‘M only Human

Sometimes I shudder to think how ‘human’ I am, that I am all too vulnerable! The image that often crosses my mind is a dry leaf caught in a whirlwind, unable to find its way, but being tossed by forces from all sides; it may have to land in a place it would have least desired, and all its dreams and aspirations would have gone awry. It is true, as a human person, endowed with reason, I am able to stir my life to a certain extent, but more than that I am but a fry in the limitless ocean, and my words and actions can make too little difference in the world I live and have my being. To realize that I am a limited being in the midst of limitless universe, is too frightening.

But that is what reality is, and I have no other alternative than to accept this fact, that I am incapable of changing most of myself, what I am and what I have been taught, and what I carry with me 24x7. Sometimes I wish I have been endowed with limitless powers to control the forces which make me dance according to their tunes, but I am frightened that it would only mean that there would be anarchy all around me, if that same limitless power is given to all those who wish to control my existence, my being and my life in this universe. Ultimately I have to accept my limitations, vulnerabilities and live with them happily.

There were times when I would think of changing one particular aspect of my personality, do my best to practice asceticism or self-control in order to discipline myself; but now I realize that all those had been mere eye-wash; I change too little even after several self-conscious attempts. I am reminded of that beautiful story of a jackal which fell on a bucket full of water-color, and went around claiming himself to be the king of the forest, and all others believed him, until one rainy day he got wet and all the color disappear, and he had to acknowledge his true self. That is what happens often with me, and it would not take too long for my true color to appear.

From my younger days, I had been taught to consider myself as a strong person with strong inclinations and habits, with a capacity to design my own life as I desire. There had been deliberate attempts to undermine the ‘human’ aspect in me, and there were some who considered that to accept one’s own vulnerability is to give in to them. They would not permit me to acknowledge my weaknesses, but I realize as I grow that one area of blessedness opens only when I see my own weaknesses, my own vulnerabilities, or to use an idiomatic expression, when I see my own nakedness. I am no different from the rest of humanity, and I do not need to put up a face to show that I am better than the rest, I feel comfortable being one among the weak humanity.

I can be conscious of my weaknesses, and yet be on the alert not to give in to them whenever they assail me. To know that I am a sinner does not make me truly a sinner, but when I allow myself to sinful action, words and thoughts, then they do make me truly a sinner. The same can be applied for my weaknesses and vulnerabilities too. My weaknesses do not necessarily make me weak; I can put up a fierce battle even with all my weaknesses, but when I give in to my base nature and indulge in things which make me dehuman or subhuman, then I become weak, and they can gradually lead me to meet my nemesis. But so long I am on my guard, safeguarding my weaknesses from being assaulted, then I can be sure that I can retain my sanity, come what may!

Pleasing Pleasantries

As we grow in age and wisdom, one of the most difficult truths for us to digest is that we are expected to dance according to the tunes of others; that ‘others’ may include anyone significant or insignificant, and they stand and stare at us at every unexpected corner of our life, and it is they who make our life quite miserable, if not unbearable. The funny side of this ‘drama’ is that we are expected to change our masks according to the kind of persons who expect and demand from us a particular kind of response, or a ‘performance’ to continue the analogy. Half our lives are spent changing the masks, coloring the glasses, and learning steps to please everyone around us. In the bargain, we fail to live life as it comes to us with a thousand hues and fragrance. When we realize what life is, it might be too late.

I don’t know from where we learn to cultivate the art of ‘pleasing’ everyone who matters in our society. As we join the primary school at the age of five, we begin to learn the rudiments of this art; when the teacher keeps an eye, we behave well, and as soon as the teacher moves to the other side, we begin to show our true color. So we learn to smile when the teacher turns to us, and frown at her back. We do the same at home too; and slowly we begin to say what pleases others. But you may ask me, is it wrong to please others? Of course, no. Sometimes it is possible our natural behavior or response may delight others, and that is a great gift. But if we begin to make people happy, going out of our way, bending our natural inborn qualities, that needs to be questioned.

But the paradox of the drama is that often we communicate to the people just the opposite message than the one we wish them to have about us. When a young lady refuses to meet a man she likes and loves at the railway station, as she embarks on a journey, just because she is afraid someone might catch her with the man, and spread rumors about her personality and character, that only shows that she is obsessed with her good name! But what is this ‘good name’ imply? The very people who may praise her for her serious dealings with men, will also soon accuse her for being so cold and indifferent towards human relationships. Ultimately we all need to learn the lesson that we cannot dance to the tune of others for too long.

While trying to please others, we may lose our peace and sanity, and live in a fool’s paradise, thinking that others have such a noble opinion about us; but the opinions of the people about me can change within moments. After all, how long can we live our lives for others? When we are confronted with the bitter reality, that all our efforts to please others is in vain, then we may begin to live our lives fully and wholly, irrespective of what others think and say about us. That is when we may have the real satisfaction of savoring life in its natural form. It is then that we may be able to see the blue sky and be absorbed by it; we may listen to the song of the bird and forget the worldly worries, the scent of the commonplace flower may take us to another world, far beyond human imagination.

The sooner we realize the need to stop playing to the tune of others, the better it is for us, to really appreciate what life can offer to us. Millions of people who lived lives for others for several decades had not achieved anything more than an animal; such a life is not worth living. The moment I begin to live my life irrespective of others, my friends, relatives, my associates, I own my life as it unfolds before me, and there cannot be anyone coming between me and my life. It is between me and my life; it is very personal and sacred; I cannot allow anyone, however close they may be, to come between me and my life. It is then that I can drown all the masks I had been making all my years, and face life and reality with my naked eye, and present to the world my naked body, as I entered into the world.