‘M only Human

Sometimes I shudder to think how ‘human’ I am, that I am all too vulnerable! The image that often crosses my mind is a dry leaf caught in a whirlwind, unable to find its way, but being tossed by forces from all sides; it may have to land in a place it would have least desired, and all its dreams and aspirations would have gone awry. It is true, as a human person, endowed with reason, I am able to stir my life to a certain extent, but more than that I am but a fry in the limitless ocean, and my words and actions can make too little difference in the world I live and have my being. To realize that I am a limited being in the midst of limitless universe, is too frightening.

But that is what reality is, and I have no other alternative than to accept this fact, that I am incapable of changing most of myself, what I am and what I have been taught, and what I carry with me 24x7. Sometimes I wish I have been endowed with limitless powers to control the forces which make me dance according to their tunes, but I am frightened that it would only mean that there would be anarchy all around me, if that same limitless power is given to all those who wish to control my existence, my being and my life in this universe. Ultimately I have to accept my limitations, vulnerabilities and live with them happily.

There were times when I would think of changing one particular aspect of my personality, do my best to practice asceticism or self-control in order to discipline myself; but now I realize that all those had been mere eye-wash; I change too little even after several self-conscious attempts. I am reminded of that beautiful story of a jackal which fell on a bucket full of water-color, and went around claiming himself to be the king of the forest, and all others believed him, until one rainy day he got wet and all the color disappear, and he had to acknowledge his true self. That is what happens often with me, and it would not take too long for my true color to appear.

From my younger days, I had been taught to consider myself as a strong person with strong inclinations and habits, with a capacity to design my own life as I desire. There had been deliberate attempts to undermine the ‘human’ aspect in me, and there were some who considered that to accept one’s own vulnerability is to give in to them. They would not permit me to acknowledge my weaknesses, but I realize as I grow that one area of blessedness opens only when I see my own weaknesses, my own vulnerabilities, or to use an idiomatic expression, when I see my own nakedness. I am no different from the rest of humanity, and I do not need to put up a face to show that I am better than the rest, I feel comfortable being one among the weak humanity.

I can be conscious of my weaknesses, and yet be on the alert not to give in to them whenever they assail me. To know that I am a sinner does not make me truly a sinner, but when I allow myself to sinful action, words and thoughts, then they do make me truly a sinner. The same can be applied for my weaknesses and vulnerabilities too. My weaknesses do not necessarily make me weak; I can put up a fierce battle even with all my weaknesses, but when I give in to my base nature and indulge in things which make me dehuman or subhuman, then I become weak, and they can gradually lead me to meet my nemesis. But so long I am on my guard, safeguarding my weaknesses from being assaulted, then I can be sure that I can retain my sanity, come what may!