Journey through Darkness

There are very few people who have access to the interior alleys of my life, especially of my past. It is so very frightening to let people walk through the narrow corridors of my tainted life, gathering moss all around, and smelling of filth and decay. My real self is so very different from the one which I pose before people, and there would be very few people who would be willing to accept my true self. Even some of my very close friends dare not walk through the dark alleys of my life, for fear they may have to look at me as someone very different from who they were used to, and that would be too frightening for them to believe, leave alone accept. Thus in most cases I would like everyone around me to believe that my true self is an exact copy of my exterior self. That is how I cheat the world around me.

I know that I have to keep doing this “cheating” for the sake of survival. I cannot afford to wash my dirty linen in public, what will others think about me? The world likes people who are fair-skinned, and it does not even mind people with colored faces; the world cannot accept people who are uncouth, rustic, who are closer to the earth. The world we live in cannot think of the heart of darkness or the darkness of the heart. It is amidst the thick darkness of the heart that I treasure some of the most precious secrets of my life, which is inaccessible to everyone I know of. Even some of my thick friends may not have access to this corner; it may be too frightening to visit this place, because here they might encounter the raw, natural I, and they may not even recognize me.

Yesterday as I was walking along the prestigious Park Street, on my evening brisk walk, I spotted one of the nuns, who was known to me. I went close to her and wished her, but she could not recognize me for quite a while, because she had seen me in my T-shirt and shorts, and she could not believe it was me. After a little while she recognized me, and said that I looked very different. And she was right, I looked very different. If this is the case for people to recognize me, how difficult it would be for them to recognize my real self? How would they respond were they to come to know the darkest secrets of my life, which of shrouded in mystery? Will they be able to accept the unholy, filthy, corrupt self of mine, which is far from the image I had been projecting to them?

There are just one or two people who were able to enter into the secret corners of my heart and have befriended the demon who bears my name; they have realized that this ferocious demon is not as cruel and horrendous as they thought it to be; there is a human heart to it, and it may be more human than several other human persons they know of. It is thanks to their presence that I am able to walk out even without putting on the cloth of a genteel man, who has been tamed by nature to be one of the finest of civilized men. But I cannot forget what had happened in the early years of my life, the different persons who had shaped me and molded me.

It is hard to safeguard the most treasured secrets of my life; I know that I cannot safeguard them all my life, though I had striven earnestly to protect them from men and women who really did not share my vision of life, and who did not want to share my life. But I don’t know how long I could do that, but one thing is for sure, soon I may lose control over these secrets, and they would become annals of every household, and I would see both praise and brickbats for my words and works. If someone dared to cut me into pieces and find my heart, he/she would realize that I had a heart which is so very human and tender, which cries for life, for a clear sky, for the full moon light, for the golden rays of the sun, for the unpolluted air of countryside, for clean waters of the stream… Life is wonderful really!

Ruins of Rome

Rome is full of ruins of all sorts. Pillars standing erect, looking up to the sky, walls standing by themselves, columns embracing the earth and refusing to move, faceless statues, handless fairies, noseless divine figurines, it is sometimes the sight one might witness after a ferocious war. But even in the ruins, one could see through the Roman elegance. There is life even in the ruins, which defy decay. There is something in the ruins which had seen the human species going through a similar process of decay, but unlike the Roman ruins, humanity is fast catching up with symptoms of irrevocable decay, that can cause serious damage to the species as such. Luckily the wise Romans have not decided to put together the broken pieces of buildings, squares, Forum, figurines… they have let them as they were centuries ago. A sense of embracing the past with all its failures and decay has kept the city a living witness to what it means to embracing one’s past.

Past is something that is irrevocable, and often one tends to fight with the past, and in the process failing to accept what is presented in the living present, or preparing to welcome the future with all its possibilities. Past is kept alive wrapped in our memories, and the present looks up to the past to find way for the future. But the Romans had a significant insight into the past – leave the past behind and bother about the present! Sometimes, or often, it is useless to try to piece the broken fragments of the past, and make meaning for our present. We may end up more frustrated and disappointed, when we realize that we have long forgotten the formula for such a putting together, or that a piece or two are missing that we are unable to get the complete picture of the road map we are to travel. This thought can only cloud our thinking, and the path may become all the more blurred.

It is hard to bid adieu to the past, especially the broken relationships, bitter memories which still haunt us, even after several attempts of reconciling to the facts, instances of betrayal and insincerity, moments of humiliation and insults; it is also hard to let them lie at the bottom of our hearts, and walk past them to live in the present. But have not the Romans done that? Maybe it demands a lot of guts to do that, to leave the cozy cocoons and to see the heat and chill of the world outside; to fight with the elements which may not be altogether friendly. But is it impossible? Down the centuries, generations of men and women have taught us the secret to cross the thresholds of impossibility – leave the past, and walk into the present. Are we going to lose something as a result of extending a parting embrace to the past, and leave them behind forever? We may, but what we may gain in the present may be far more gratifying to our souls than the past.

I am reminded of two disciples promising to Jesus to follow him, but one makes an excuse to say good bye to his parents, and Jesus says to him to leave the dead to bury their own dead; to another he says, anyone who had put his hand on the plough and looks back is not worthy of the Kingdom. I would like to think of Jesus telling these two disciples to leave the past behind and enter into the present with him; after all, another name for YHWH is I AM, the ever present; to live in the present is to live in the presence of the divine. In another sense, we all become part of divinity the moment we move from the past to the present. For reality in the present is far removed from that of the past, and of the future. The power of the present is something that we need to cherish, and it is possible only by becoming aware of where our minds are at regular intervals.

Today I would like to pause for a while just now, and bring my mind to the present. Let me take a sheet of paper and put on it the memories of the past that keep popping up in my mind at each passing moment. Let me give them a decent farewell, not try to chase them, but give them a warm embrace, feel them, even shed a tear or two, give them an affectionate kiss, and let them part. They may remain like the ruins of the Romans in Rome, but may not come to haunt our present. Let me close my eyes and enter into the sweetness of the present moment; see beauty all around , all that I ever wanted to envision. Let me open my eyes and see everything with fresh eyes, as if I am seeing them for the first time. Let me listen to the different sounds with new ears, as if I am hearing them for the first time. Let me fill my heart with awe and wonder at the miracle of the present moment, and see how my body is slowly transformed into a divine place, a Patheon, where all gods find a niche for themselves! (Brussels)