The Lingering Chorus (M6)

It is not easy, let me admit, to give a decent burial to some of the most painful memories that haunt me night and day; let me not project as if things are so easy that I can overcome the lingering memories at the snap of a finger. If that were the case, then several men and women need not have sought to end their lives at the nadir of their moral conscience. We might call them they were losers, cowards, and were too frightened of facing reality, but it would be injustice if we were to think of them so. To us they may look so, but would they have ever thought of themselves so? But today we could reflect for a while on why it takes so hard for us to really bid goodbye to some of the painful memories? What keeps us holding on to them, even when we know for sure that they do not help us to grow at all? We had presented two ways of addressing this problem is by embracing the shadows, and by letting the memories fade into oblivion by making them copyright to the whole world. Here we will explore yet another way of care-fronting these memories, which have become part of our selves, as if our second nature.

In psychology we would often associate each of our emotional states to particular trigger mechanism, and most often we are not aware of these triggers; they may be persons, events, and even nature, or surroundings, or senses. For instance, certain persons may trigger particular emotions in us, and as soon as we see the person, we may be transported into that emotional state, whether positive or negative. As soon as I see a person with red shirt, my blood may become warm, my heart beat may increase, because that person with red shirt reminds me of someone else, who had left a deep scar in my heart. If I am not aware of these triggers, I will have no way of controlling them, leave alone mastering over them. We may even misjudge people, for no fault of their own.

I have come across women who, after going through an acute experience of betrayal by men, refuse to even talk gently to other men, because of the notion that every men they met reminded them of those betrayers; for them all men are betrayers. Therefore it often happens that after being ‘ditched’ to use slang, by someone, these persons may not have the courage to start things anew, because all men may ultimately ditch them, or at least that is what they think. I have seen young women who refused to get married because they had drunkard fathers, and thought that all men may ultimately end up drunkards! We may think that these are baseless and unreasonable conclusions, but the fact is that they are not arriving at these conclusions willfully, but something in them prompts them to such baseless conclusion. If we begin to probe them, then they will realize that they had been unjustly biased and prejudiced.

The fact is that these people did not realize that they were reacting to the triggers, and not objective facts. So if we are able to discern the triggers, and find out what triggers me to what sort of conclusions, then I may be able to judge for myself if my conclusions are realistic or baseless. In fact these triggers are the keys that open the floodgates of my swinging moods. If I am able to point out to myself that all men who were red shirts remind me of the man who stabbed my heart, then the next time when I see a man with red shirts, I could tell my mind that ‘this’ is not ‘that’ man. And that realization may prevent the floodgates of emotions to burst out, and you may be in a much better position to handle the man. What happens here is a simple psychological role-play; you have accustomed your mind to thinking that every man with a red shirt should be the culprit, and so, when you see a man with red shirts, your mind reminds you that this man is that one, and that immediately takes you to the past memories drenched in pain and agony. You then try to retaliate for the wound created in you, by treating the man harshly and even cruelly for no fault of his! But it is within your power and control to reverse the role play.

Today let me pause for a while and recollect to mind the last time I was flooded with the memories of that one painful moment in my past, and go back in time and circumstances to re-capture what triggered the memories to rush into my mind. It may not be crystal clear as to what had actually triggered the memories, but it will be possible for me to identify it, if I rewind the memory-attack today in slow motion, noting down the exact moment when I burst out. I go a few frames behind and see the situation around me… it may be a person, or an object, or a situation or anything. Once I find it out, then I pay close attention to it, to verify that ‘this’ is not ‘that’ and confirm it for myself, so that I may re-program my mind to say that not every person who wear red shirts is the one who betrayed me. Let me do this for a few days, until I am sure what are the triggers, which drown me into emotions and sentiments that put me down. If I am aware of them, then there is nothing I need to do, because my mind will re-program and lo and behold, I am on the way to free myself from my painful memories!