Addressing Authenticity

There is an uneasy feeling lurking within me for quite sometime, and it is not easy for me to articulate what this feeling is, and how it is affecting me deeply and significantly. It is like a shroud blocking my vision of self, the world around and God. One thing is sure, it is to do with authenticity! How am I true to myself, the image I frantically try to project before the world? As I struggle to unmask myself from the multi-layered masks, I am frightened to encounter more masks than I imagined.

I cannot think of living in an unauthentic life, and I detest duplicity. While I can swear by my so-called authenticity, more than the people I live with, I know more fully how miserably I fail in my attempts to live an authentic life. It is not that living an authentic life is altogether alien to me; I was fortunate to taste what it means to live an authentic and sincere life at least a few times in the past, though even before I began to taste the serenity of it, my mind was clouded by inauthentic thoughts.

I am quite quick in noticing inauthenticity in others, especially in the very people I am to rub shoulder with each day, but I dare not raise this issue with them, lest they unrobe me, and expose the ugly self I frantically try to hide beneath my pseudo-authenticity. It is only a thief who can identify another thief, says an old adage in my tongue, and I do realize the adage is not wrong or untrue. Again it would be wrong for me to claim that I had been living in a fool’s paradise all these years, holding tightly to an holier-than-thou-art attitude!

But what has triggered this sense of insecurity and inadequacy in the recent days? I had been hearing, reading about so many holy men and women, whose sanctity was so well-known to the world, even when they spoke not a world. There was always a spiritual aura around them, and simple people could vibrate with their spiritual self and physical reality effortlessly. I wish to ask myself why is it I do not radiate such a kind of spiritual aura? I know the diamond is there deep within me, but its radiance is clouded by my insecurity and duplicity.

It is not impossible for me to get rid of all the masks which hide my true identity – even if it is so horrifying to some people; but if I try to do that, it is sure to cost me a good deal. I may have to get out of my self-centeredness and the indomitable desire to build a kingdom of my own. There is a joy in building my dream-place brick by brick, and ultimately it may not make me happy. If I am not prepared to abandon this dream project, then there is no way how I can free myself from the masks which I had covered my true self with. But I know I have to start this process today or tomorrow, and cannot wait for the beginning endlessly.