Searching for Smiles

One of the lessons which I had learned at the death of one of our friends, 13 years senior to me, is that whatever we do, and wherever we are, could we do something to unburden the others who are weighed down by worries of the world, chased by problems which make them hate life, made to believe that life on earth is not worth living! There are many around us who go through this kind of hide-n-seek game with life each day, without realizing that they are slowly pawning their lives with forces which may one day snatch their lives and hand them over to the angel of death! Just a kind act towards these people can change the way they look at life, and once they realize the beauty of the world and its people, then things can take a positive turn.

Ours is a tortured, battered, mutilated world, which yearns for some respite, and it may sound an insurmountable task for us, but if we all put our shoulders together to look at this world which is groaning with pain and agony, probably we may be able to find a way of relieving her pains. It is not an impossible task; it all depends how each one of us is convinced of his/her personal responsibility to extend healing balm to the neighbor behind or in front of him/her. It is easier to curse darkness rather than lighting the candle, and we all may resort to easy solution, instead of doing our little part to ease the situation. Luckily we do not need to do spectacular works, or need really to sacrifice our lives in order to save the dying humanity. We are not saviors of the world, but we can surely become the angels of kindness and mercy to each one around us.

I become more and more convinced that what we on earth need today are not great scientists who would make the impossible into possible, who would find solutions to all the problems the humanity had been facing down the centuries, who would unravel the mysteries of the universe and find greater avenues for harnessing the resources of the greater earth, who would make us believe that faith in God and human touch can be sacrificed at the altar of self-centeredness. Nor do we require persons who would find a way of feeding every person going hungry to bed each day. We are not looking for spiritual gurus who would make every urban dweller happy and peaceful! If we want to save the world, then all that I am convinced we are called to is : to spread a little bit of human touch.

There is one little way I am confident we can do this : I take a little trouble to go out of my own self to reach out to someone in need, in whatever way I can. It is for me to choose how I am going to reach out to the other! If at the end of the day I can make a person smile, then I can consider my work done. It is not an impossible task. Yesterday after hanging around in our college to arrange for the funeral mass today, one of our friends, offered some fruits for our community. There were mangoes (the look alone was so tempting), grapes and another kind of fruit. As I walked home with a polythene bag in hand, near the park I put the bag down, took out a mango and offered to a girl who had made outside the park her home for the past six months. There was plenty for us, and I was not going to lose much by giving one to her, she also would have the joy of tasting a mango even before it fully entered the markets.

I have realized a secret of what really makes us smile: when we are able to make someone smile, that is sure to bring a natural smile in us. Check it for yourself. I have checked it and it works like a charm. It is like an echo, or a reflection on the mirror; and this can create a ripple effect. My smile can create some one smile too, and it can go on unending. Smiles are becoming too costly in our world; even the best of make-up and ornaments sans genuine smile may be meaningless; but a gentle genuine smile even in the absence of ornaments can make a person really glitter, and that is the secret that we all can become partners in. I can only imagine a situation when the whole world is filled with smiles all around, and it would be like a garden with flowers in full bloom and that is really a joy and feast to our eyes.

One in a Million

He is a type by himself, and Carl Jung would have been happy to meet him, so that he could have added yet another archetype based on him; however it would be wrong to say that he represented a sizable majority among the human persons. One should bear in mind, while describing this person, I would naturally add up things from my own bias and prejudice, which is no less in this case. But one thing is sure, he is but one in a million, and I was un/fortunate to live with him for about two years to really know his true color, which is quite different from how he is known and how he project himself to be in public. No wonder he is talented, intelligent, man of morale to a certain extent, but the list might end there.

It may be difficult to find a person who is as calculative and scheming as he is; everything he does or says is colored by a well thought out strategy, which for the most part is colored by his own bias and prejudice. He should have been an ace chess player, because he could calculate rather accurately, but the pity is that a good majority of the people around could make out his moves and can say with certain amount of accuracy what he is up to. There is often an obsession to one’s own benefit, and that of his own kinsmen, which would border on his cultural, linguistic group. He would have also made an excellent military commander, in the way he positions his men to face any onslaught on him or his dear ones, whom he would go any length to favor.

One suspects if he has a heart at all, because all that he is obsessed for the most part of his days is an overly intellectual exercise, whereby he rationalizes even the simplest of things and realities, to give an intellectual approach to reality. But most often human reality cannot be grasped sufficiently by the intellect or the mind; we may have to take recourse to the human heart, and that would be impossible for him. He would easily brand anyone who is easily moved by the heart rather than the intellect, and would not hesitate to even condemn the persons with a predominant heart approach, and appreciate those who are heady. This naturally had caused a lot of damage to the people he had been the boss of. But that is one reality no one had any control over.

The common good can be easily given up at the expense of his own welfare, his individual good, and most often he would expect everyone to adjust their programs and works in order to suit to his demands and desires. His personal and individual good is the primary criteria for all that he would be involved with, and to put it graphically, he would expect everyone around him to dance to his tune, and would be furious if someone were to disagree with him or try to play a tune different from his own. This attitude had promoted a slavish attitude in many of the men working under his direction. He does not consider the needs and wants of others as equally valid and important. This is surely one of the greatest weaknesses of this great man.

Now why do I go to this extent to present a picture of this person? What do I get out of pouring out my allegations (some of which are based on my own prejudice, as I had already cautioned!) here? There is very little that I would benefit by pouring out here, except the fact that my heart would feel light. When we begin to relate to people, we often come across certain persons who leave a positive imprint in our hearts, and some others negative. Those who leave an indelible mark in our hearts are often enshrined in the niche of our hearts, and those who have left a negative imprint in our hearts are often looked down upon, and that is sure to cause something to the world we live in. The negative force that this person spews can affect the positive vibrations of the universe. But perhaps that may be neutralized by the persons with noble and holy virtues.

Addressing Authenticity

There is an uneasy feeling lurking within me for quite sometime, and it is not easy for me to articulate what this feeling is, and how it is affecting me deeply and significantly. It is like a shroud blocking my vision of self, the world around and God. One thing is sure, it is to do with authenticity! How am I true to myself, the image I frantically try to project before the world? As I struggle to unmask myself from the multi-layered masks, I am frightened to encounter more masks than I imagined.

I cannot think of living in an unauthentic life, and I detest duplicity. While I can swear by my so-called authenticity, more than the people I live with, I know more fully how miserably I fail in my attempts to live an authentic life. It is not that living an authentic life is altogether alien to me; I was fortunate to taste what it means to live an authentic and sincere life at least a few times in the past, though even before I began to taste the serenity of it, my mind was clouded by inauthentic thoughts.

I am quite quick in noticing inauthenticity in others, especially in the very people I am to rub shoulder with each day, but I dare not raise this issue with them, lest they unrobe me, and expose the ugly self I frantically try to hide beneath my pseudo-authenticity. It is only a thief who can identify another thief, says an old adage in my tongue, and I do realize the adage is not wrong or untrue. Again it would be wrong for me to claim that I had been living in a fool’s paradise all these years, holding tightly to an holier-than-thou-art attitude!

But what has triggered this sense of insecurity and inadequacy in the recent days? I had been hearing, reading about so many holy men and women, whose sanctity was so well-known to the world, even when they spoke not a world. There was always a spiritual aura around them, and simple people could vibrate with their spiritual self and physical reality effortlessly. I wish to ask myself why is it I do not radiate such a kind of spiritual aura? I know the diamond is there deep within me, but its radiance is clouded by my insecurity and duplicity.

It is not impossible for me to get rid of all the masks which hide my true identity – even if it is so horrifying to some people; but if I try to do that, it is sure to cost me a good deal. I may have to get out of my self-centeredness and the indomitable desire to build a kingdom of my own. There is a joy in building my dream-place brick by brick, and ultimately it may not make me happy. If I am not prepared to abandon this dream project, then there is no way how I can free myself from the masks which I had covered my true self with. But I know I have to start this process today or tomorrow, and cannot wait for the beginning endlessly.

Streams of Sympathy

It may be hard to believe, but I think sympathy is directly related to selfishness, and to a large extent self-centeredness. I have several examples to illustrate this point. When I am drawn to sympathy towards the urchin begging at the road-side, and I dolling out a five rupees coin, I am not so much giving him anything, rather than giving something to myself. I would have the psychological satisfaction that I was able to share (and it may never dawn to me that what I had done is far from sharing) the little I had! The truck-load of inner satisfaction is worth the five rupees coin! But that is where my sympathy stops!

My friend still feels that she was partially right in expressing her sympathy towards a friend of hers, by allowing him to pour out all his pain and agony to her! It is true that the gentleman needed someone to whom he could disclose his ins and outs, without being careful to edit out the more sensitive episodes, but I feel he was seeking something more than a patient pair of ears! Nor was he seeking mere sympathy, though his self-pity could have mady any one to be sympathetic towards him. It may not be easy for women to read through the thin lines of men, who project something, while meaning something else! That was what I was cautioning my friend to be careful about!

But there is something else about sympathy. I was asking myself, is there any place for sympathy between friends? Where does sympathy really fit in? Friendship, by its very definition, is a relationship which is established based on mutual trust. If there is already trust between two persons, then how can sympathy pop up? Will a friend seek sympathy from his/her friend? We approach friends, only because we trust that person would get into our shoes, and feel with us. Probably even the word 'empathy' may not adequately express what happens between two good, genuine friends. But it is far from self-centered sympathy!

There is yet another angle to the entire story: the young man expected something which my friend refused to offer, and the man was greatly offended and even hurt! A person who wished to pour out his soul to a confidante generally would not expect anything more than unburdening of oneself; what would put a period to his long winding stories could be a sigh of relief that he was able to "throw off" all that had been causing his psychological indigestion! If a person comes with a calculated agenda, and looks for it, and even taking the liberty to demand it, on the basis of friendship, can such a relationship be trusted (however long it had taken to groom it!)?

I am careful if I feel sympathetic towards someone; the chances of making use of those who are in a vulnerable position are heightened, if my psychological need to satisfy my ego is equally blown. It is possible, when we relate to persons, we really do not think about all these, the notions of self-centeredness and sympathy, satisfying the ego, etc. But we will be able to trace the path and find on hind sight that we were not as holy as we thought to be. Ultimately it is not to blame anyone, but to see each one as one really is, without labels and attributes. I have realized that signs of 'sympathy' can switch on the danger light in me, and I am cautioned to go beyond it, towards entering into another's shoes by empathising, and at the same time careful not to breach friendship!

Salvaging the Savior

Often in life, we wish to be saviors, redeemers, and don the mantle of patrons, parents and trouble-shooters. We are on the lookout for people, whom we can adopt in a psychological sense, and help them come up to our expectations, and these are the people who are vulnerable in one way or other, and wish to come to terms with their own dreams and aspirations. There is a greater amount of selfishness in any patronage and desire to “help” someone in need; the parent in us pops up at a moment when we find a scope to exercise certain amount of control over the vulnerable, and what a joy it is to have someone who listens to us with ears and heart wide open, and even promises to follow our roadmap to happiness.

When we sincerely seek to help someone who is in dire need of assistance, counsel or a helping hand, subconsciously or unconsciously we are trying to help ourselves, even though we may not accept this fact easily. But how do we test if our spontaneous help to another person in need is genuine or it has a reasonable dosage of selfishness? The criteria is rather simple: if the person we seek to help is someone we do not know, one with whom we do not have longtime association, one who may not remember us after the help is rendered, one who may not even say ‘Thanks’ for the valuable help we provide, one who does not ask for our mobile phone number or address, one who may not even speak kindly to us after receiving help, then we can say with certain amount of certitude that our help had been genuine. Needless to say, if it happens to be otherwise, then there are all the chances that it is our need and not that of the other person.

As an average human being, we all of us are born with same amount of selfishness and self-centeredness, and what makes us different is the tactics we use in order to fulfill our ego. Human mind is capable of devising any amount of ways to “trap” others, especially those who are in some way vulnerable and limited, and most often we may not even be aware of the fact that we are on the prowl looking for a victim. But the tragedy takes place, when the victim begins to seek his/her own selfish needs, and we are caught unawares. We realize the sheer futility of our “sincere and genuine” desire to help others, when the recipients take advantage of our generosity, and ultimately make us suffer in the end.

But does that mean I should not be prepared to reach out to others in need? Of course not; that is not the point. The point is that I need to be conscious of the fact, while I am trying to help someone in need, I am trying to help myself too, and the other person is also going to make use of me (either positively or negatively). The tendency to be saviors and redeemers can go to a higher level, when on realizing that I had been taken for a royal ride by the victim I was trying to help, I begin to console myself saying that it is alright even if I lose, so long the other person is happy! That is the savior-syndrome entering through backdoor, while we let the ‘victim’ has his/her final laughter!

I am surely not against reaching out to others in need; we all of us need to strengthen the bonds of cooperation and collaboration, and it may not be possible for us (human as we are) to completely overcome selfishness, which is mixed with our blood. Even an eternity may not be enough to remove this dosage of self-centeredness from us. So, let us not camouflage ourselves as doing good to others, while in fact we are trying to do good to ourselves. Being conscious of this tendency in us can make us reach out to those who are in real need of our help, and if we are there to give a helping hand without counting the wounds or the cost, not even the psychological satisfaction of doing good, then we can be proud that we have climbed yet another difficult step towards divinity.