Spotting Shadows

What I am and how I relate to others, is a matter of concern for those who rub shoulders with me on a regular basis, and there are times when they find it hard to put up with me, and I can make out how hard it is for them to really accept what I really am. When they think that I am a free man, they could make out a thin shadow following me everywhere I go, and it is hard for me to really free myself from the shadows. The fact is that most often I have been blissfully unaware of the shadow which had become a constant companion in life, and today I had made an attempt to unravel the mystery of this shadow and to incorporate it with my true self.

It is not easy to embrace the shadow, because the shadow contains part of myself which I had been trying to hide all the time from others; the bitter past experiences, persons who had left an indelible mark in my memory, more often negatively than positively, phantoms which had become part of my second nature and would not depart from me, and today I have decided to name the shadows and call them one by one to have an intimate time with them. I know this may not be the last time I would meet them; though I would very much like them to leave me for good, and yet I know for sure that they may take some time to leave me in peace.

It might be wrong to assume that all the shadows I have inherited are the works of my own creation or imagination; some of them have been inherited from my parents, my identity in society, the socio-cultural milieu in which I was born and grew into adulthood; some of the shadows have been imposed onto me by others in society, and I had been collecting them like a little child innocently collecting shells from the beach, and I had been giving shape to some of them as I grew into adulthood, and began to realize my dreams and aspirations; when my attempts to realize my dreams failed to take shape, I had taken shelter under the watchful care of my shadows.

I know that I had to recognize the shadows which accompany me, and give them a fitting farewell from my life at some time or other, but it is not that easy to do it. There are still certain areas in life, where I feel weak and fragile, and if I were to face failure or humiliation, challenges too big for me to face, where could I take shelter. It would be hard for me to say how long I would have to need them, but I can live an authentic life only when the shadows are gone. So long the shadows protect me from facing real problems and challenges, I am not living an authentic life, I always find a pseudo self which bears all the blame and excuses.

The false selfhood in each one of us expresses itself in defense mechanism, areas where I feel incompetent but am challenged to prove myself, where I find it hard to accept the so-called ugliness of my true self, and this is a process which begins at the moment when we are first challenged by society, which expects from us, something different from what we enter the world with. The shadows will be prepared to part with me, but it is I who feel reluctant to say goodbye to them. Today I wish to take a good look at my true, authentic self, and accept me as I am, so that I would have the courage to bid farewell to my assumed self. I believe after some days I would be able to smile at my shadows and tell them to part from me for good.

Self and Pseudo-Self

It is not all that easy to really recognize which is our true self and which is our pseudo self. In most cases, we are easily deceived by the mind, and take the pseudo self for the real self. The real self is the image and likeness of God, the Ultimate, and you may name it what you will. To recognize the true self is equivalent to reaching our destination in life; everything will look very different then, even the enemies will be the good company we would long for, even the worst of people may turn to have the very image and likeness it is made of.

But the pseudo self is what we are most often left to grapple with, and it is not an easy task to turn our attention to the true self, because the world and all that in it, would not want us to turn to the real self, in which case we may not come back to treasure and hold on to what the world may offer. It may be a great loss for the world, and so, it wants us to be tied down to it as long as it can hold us, and enchant us by riches, wealth, honor, prestige, pleasures of the flesh and knowledge… The world has its own charm, and it would be wrong to consider that the world has only the bad things; but they are just means to reach the real self.

The danger in life takes place when we find the way so very enchanting, and begin to take the path for the destination, and instead of moving forward, we wish to settle on the road, because it is so very beautiful, enticing, and satisfying. Everything appear so very beautiful in the world, and it would take quite a while to realize that behind the seeming beauty and glory of the world, there is a layer of decay and stench. But by the time we realize that, it might be already too late to get out of there, and run either forward or backward.

The true self is like the father in the story of the prodigal son, who waits for the person to return, to discover (or re-cover) the self, and find the fulfillment of all one’s life’s aspirations taking shape there. This is the state when one can be as one meant to be, at the time of creation, a cosmic force which can enliven the ordering of the universal movement. Here the individual is as important to the existence of the universe as every blade of grass, every drop of rain, every bit of cloud… Here everything is real and everything is transient, but one is not attached to them… they just flow with the current of the cosmic flow.

We seek God outside, but the most intimate expression of God is found deep within. Those who have had even a momentary glance of the true self, would vouch that God is not out there, but here at the core of one’s being. Life’s long years are meant to help us get that precious glance of the real self, and once that is done, we are purified of all the dirt and filth that the world had dumped on us; then we shall be able to hear the laughter of the waterfall, sweet songs of the birds in the morning, murmur of insects in the evening, feel the silent meditation of the still waters, see the master strokes of the Ultimate in the firmament. Then we might feel we are free to communicate with any creature on earth, and feel part of this paradise called the earth!