Spotting Shadows

What I am and how I relate to others, is a matter of concern for those who rub shoulders with me on a regular basis, and there are times when they find it hard to put up with me, and I can make out how hard it is for them to really accept what I really am. When they think that I am a free man, they could make out a thin shadow following me everywhere I go, and it is hard for me to really free myself from the shadows. The fact is that most often I have been blissfully unaware of the shadow which had become a constant companion in life, and today I had made an attempt to unravel the mystery of this shadow and to incorporate it with my true self.

It is not easy to embrace the shadow, because the shadow contains part of myself which I had been trying to hide all the time from others; the bitter past experiences, persons who had left an indelible mark in my memory, more often negatively than positively, phantoms which had become part of my second nature and would not depart from me, and today I have decided to name the shadows and call them one by one to have an intimate time with them. I know this may not be the last time I would meet them; though I would very much like them to leave me for good, and yet I know for sure that they may take some time to leave me in peace.

It might be wrong to assume that all the shadows I have inherited are the works of my own creation or imagination; some of them have been inherited from my parents, my identity in society, the socio-cultural milieu in which I was born and grew into adulthood; some of the shadows have been imposed onto me by others in society, and I had been collecting them like a little child innocently collecting shells from the beach, and I had been giving shape to some of them as I grew into adulthood, and began to realize my dreams and aspirations; when my attempts to realize my dreams failed to take shape, I had taken shelter under the watchful care of my shadows.

I know that I had to recognize the shadows which accompany me, and give them a fitting farewell from my life at some time or other, but it is not that easy to do it. There are still certain areas in life, where I feel weak and fragile, and if I were to face failure or humiliation, challenges too big for me to face, where could I take shelter. It would be hard for me to say how long I would have to need them, but I can live an authentic life only when the shadows are gone. So long the shadows protect me from facing real problems and challenges, I am not living an authentic life, I always find a pseudo self which bears all the blame and excuses.

The false selfhood in each one of us expresses itself in defense mechanism, areas where I feel incompetent but am challenged to prove myself, where I find it hard to accept the so-called ugliness of my true self, and this is a process which begins at the moment when we are first challenged by society, which expects from us, something different from what we enter the world with. The shadows will be prepared to part with me, but it is I who feel reluctant to say goodbye to them. Today I wish to take a good look at my true, authentic self, and accept me as I am, so that I would have the courage to bid farewell to my assumed self. I believe after some days I would be able to smile at my shadows and tell them to part from me for good.

Animated by Love

Some of our men have such an enormous amount of energy that I can hardly compete with them. I wonder from where they get so much energy to go on working almost like a machine. During the last few days of organizing a fitting farewell for one of our companions, I realized that many of us had put our shoulders together to make this a memorable day, and I do feel that our friend would be smiling even as I anticipate his reaction to our humble efforts. We have our differences, but when it comes to organizing an event such as this, our men do it wonderfully well. We can get over our differences, and think alike in getting the best of what we have and what we are. That is what I am thankful to God today, for our men who could give their best when needed.

Now coming to the secret of their energy, this is not something so very new and spectacular. I realize when we have love for a person or a group of people, we would go all extent to give our best for them, and that I realize is the secret of their immense energy. The love we had for this of our sick Brother, whose both the kidneys failed and was on dialysis twice a week, was something remarkable. Since I stayed in a house a little far from where this friend stayed, I could not spare much time for him, but those who were members of this community, had gone out of their way to be available to meet his needs, especially accompanying him to the hospital for dialysis and bringing him back… it was not an easy task, and they did this with great love.

Yesterday I had gone to the college to check certain things for today’s funeral, and I realized that three of our men who were involved with the preparations were not there, and I could guess that they might have gone out. And a little later I came to know from the notice board that they had gone to the market. When I had finished my other works and was about to leave, I saw these three men climbing up the stairs with lots of flowers. One of them said smiling “3 Idiots”, and I know he made a reference to the recent film of the same title, which supposedly showcased the achievements of three idiots. What a combination, I wondered for a while, and yet, when it came to preparations for the day, there was good understanding, and I had not seen them fighting over any silly things.

In fact, as we bade farewell to our friend, what I heard from several people who expressed their sentiments for him was so very heart-renting that I felt they had all experienced it. Our friend was known for having a special love for people who approached him for either a service, or favor or work done by him. He did it with great love, and during the lunch today one of the priests of the diocese said that the departed friend was going out of his way to make the Sisters happy and at home; he would take them by the vehicle and drop them at a place from where they could get express buses, and many people appreciated this gentle and lovely gesture of the man. He was not after money, or after name and fame; he was a simple man, who valued people for what they were, and he did not hesitate to make special provisions to accommodate them that they felt handled with great love and care.

If the man had so much of energy to be involved with so many works, and be on his toes to get different things going during his tenure as in-charge of the estate, it was just because he was in love with the place and the people, and that is what made many of the people to shed tears today, as his body was lowered to the tomb. One of the girls, aged some 12, was crying profusely, because she had seen him around as she grew from the age of 3 or 4, and she had known the man he was, and it might have been difficult for her to bid goodbye to him. If we are not able to give our full selves for the work assigned to us, or that we often get into problems completing the works or find it hard to work with co-workers, the first question that we need to ask ourselves is this : am I in love with the place and the people associated with this work, or am I doing it just as a job assigned to me. The aspect of doing anything for the love of the persons associated with, can make a lot of difference.

Will to Live

The end came too suddenly, and no one was prepared for it. When I received a telephone call from the college, least did I think that the caller would shock me with just a four word sentence : He is no more! For a moment I could not say anything, I could not get anything, as to what to say. I had a personal chat with him just three days earlier, and now I am told he is no more! What could have happened, I wondered, even as I took a few moments to gather myself to handle the situation? I had to go to the college to see the man, who was alive just a few minutes ago, but now lies dead on the bed, and have to wait for our house physician to certify that he is dead. Even as I rushed to the college, my heart and mind said that something had gone wrong somewhere, and we have lost him.

Fifty seven is not the age to say goodbye to this beautiful world, and what is worse this man did not want to leave this world so soon, and he had a great desire to resume normal life again, but we had not given him a chance. There was a blame-game even as he lay dead, just an hour after his departure, that he should have been careful when his liver functioning was becoming strenuous, that he could not blame anyone for the situation he was in. I made a few frantic attempts to tell the senior man that it was not the time to blame the man who now cannot get up to defend himself. I would not say that this young man could fully justify himself for the way he handled his health some years ago, which led to the destruction of both his kidneys, but his past was something that could not be undone… Unfortunately in life very seldom do we have the option of UNDO, as in any Windows based programs.

The tears that I had witnessed welling up from his eyes just three days ago were haunting me to say that our negligence was also responsible for this sudden departure of this man. I feel sad for him because he might not have guessed that he was going to leave the world so soon. There was no sign that he was getting mentally prepared for the end, which was beckoning him. Even as he interacted and complained to all those who mattered about how his situation could be salvaged, one thing was certain, he was slowly giving up the will to live. This was quite obvious from his conversation with me. He had zest for life, and he would do anything to retain life, even if that means walking out of the way of life he had voluntarily chosen some thirty five years ago.

When he told me three days earlier as I went for a meeting with two other friends of mine, that he wanted to have a chat with me, I had told him that I would meet him after our meeting. And when I returned from our meeting, he led me to his room, and opened up his bruised heart to me. The barometer of his will to live was already sinking to the dangerous level, and I could only guess that he holds himself strongly and boost this energy. As I walked out of his room that day, I only told him not to lose hope, and was not sure though if I sounded convincing enough. If his will to live had sunk so low, I feel that we were responsible for it, and there is hardly anyway how we could undo it. We have lost one of ours, who did not deserve to leave so soon.

Even as he struggled with the impending death, and the inevitable, there were some who were trying to support him, giving him the much needed boost to stay alive. Reality did not match with the sweet words of the people who were responsible for taking his case forward, and that was painful for him. At his sudden demise, these people were heart-broken, and did all they could in order to give him a beautiful farewell. People were generous to give their time and energy to take him gently to rest with the embalmers, and prepare the place for a memorable funeral service. I only wish he does not smile and whisper in my ears, I only wished you people paid this much attention when I was struggling with life during the last few months! Fare thee well, my Brother!

Beyond the Horizons

There is something common between Ivan and I: both of us were reporters for a Catholic news agency for a while, and both of us had tried our hands in writing, though Ivan thought it was his "special calling", and I considered it as my "first love". Not that we liked factual reporting, but liked creative writing, where we could synthesize the knowledge we have garnered and reprocess them on the basis of our experiences, and re-present them in a palatable way to the masses. I was struggling more than Ivan, given the background from which I climbed up the ladder, and I was not envious of the youngster too!

Today meeting Ivan after some years, was a pleasure; we had spent several hours discussing about our lives in a religious congregation, which bade farewell to Ivan about ten years ago, and he continued to pursue his career with a news agency in Bangkok. As he poured out his pains and agonies in working with people of different nationalities, the way how they treated him because of his 'not-so-fair complexion' paying him just one third of the salary they paid for the house rent of an office companion, I felt sad for him, but I had not much words of comfort and consolation. It is his life and he has chosen it voluntarily, and would find a way to get through!

But what was more important for me to recall was the way how he got back to settle his personal scores with life; he had gone through unexpected alleys and valleys before he could find the plains, and as he stood at the endless vast canvass of life, he found an unseen Power leading him through. Life had taught him great lessons, and he would be ever grateful for whatever that had moulded and shaped him, and he would not regret for what he had to go through, though much of those moments were mingled with sweat and tears. The past sweet and sour experiences had paved way for his present, and today he is grateful for his past!

There are two ways of approaching our bitter past : either to curse the experiences of the past, and refusing to acknowledge their role in shaping our present, or to accept and acknowledge them as part of our life journey, and move towards the sign posts the past had placed our way. The people who opt the first option often end up bitter and defensive; they would find all the reasons to blame the world, and even themselves. The people who approach life in the second way are often wiser and happier; they would not have regrets but only gratefulness to the experiences and the people who had contributed towards those shaping moments.

Those who stand by life's stepping stones, and keep looking back at the thorns and thistles they had passed through and forget to look yonder towards the future in store for them, are bound to end up stuck up on the way; is this what Christ meant when he said, those who have put their hands on the plough and look back are not fit for the kingdom of heaven? I very much think so. Every past moments have shaped our present, and pave way for the future; but those who are not able to look towards the horizon beckoning them to reach the North Star, so that they can at least reach the end of the horizon, opening the gates to yet another horizon! I am happy my friend Ivan have stood at the end of one horizon, and is able to see the other horizon beckoning him tenderly and lovingly!