The Phantom within

There was a little fear within me as I readied to receive feedback about me, and how I came across to my companions, especially with whom I sat for “business” discussions every month. I had been quite conscious about many of the things which were going on in me for quite some time, and were working on some areas too. Now the fear was not about some unknown phantoms coming out of my cupboard, but about naming and accepting the one’s which had been living with me for quite many years, so much so I might have taken them for granted. Now is the time for me to take a good look at them again, and recognize them for what they truly are in my life.

Known devils are better than unknown angels, so goes a popular adage, and how true it is. The unknown phantoms living within me frightens me, and I have to make all effort not to let them get out at a moment when I least expected them. There were some other phantoms which were hiding behind myself, and I was least aware of them – when my companions gave feedback about me, these phantoms came across to me as unacceptable vices on my part. Two of my companions said that others may find it hard to work with me, because of my domineering attitude, and one said that I might find it hard to work with others.

I realize that all of my companions had a little bit of truth, and it would be a great danger if they asserted that they were absolutely sure about what they said about me; I am aware that even my own understanding of my limitations were conditioned by my awareness and consciousness. I felt that my friends were giving too much importance to the feedback given by others, and undermining my own realization of my limitations. The views and feedback of each one is conditioned by their own limitations and perspectives, and it would be next to impossible to separate these views from the personal bias.

But to be aware of the phantoms is one thing, and it is another thing to recognize the phantoms as residing inside of me. There is always a tendency in me to disown the phantoms, or attributing them to someone else, or to find excuses for their presence in my life. I know the same is also true with all my other friends and companions. There is not a single individual who from the very start embraces the phantoms without any reservation. All of them have their own excuses and limitations, but to name the nameless and faceless phantoms and giving them a space in the reality of our existence can make a lot of difference, and that is what I am struggling with just now.

I hesitate to accept everything that my companions tell me as gospel truth; there are more than enough evidences which say that many of my friends impose on me phantoms of their own making, and in psychology this could be just a matter of projection, and they may not even be realizing that they are doing this, either consciously or unconsciously. Not all phantoms are horrifying, and some of them could even be so very gentle and cool that even an angel may fail in comparison with them. Not all phantoms are evil and blood-mongers, some of them may even love to disappear into thin air, if that would help me to come to terms with the hardcore realities of life and embrace them wholeheartedly. This is time I welcome the phantoms and hug them lovingly.

Spotting Shadows

What I am and how I relate to others, is a matter of concern for those who rub shoulders with me on a regular basis, and there are times when they find it hard to put up with me, and I can make out how hard it is for them to really accept what I really am. When they think that I am a free man, they could make out a thin shadow following me everywhere I go, and it is hard for me to really free myself from the shadows. The fact is that most often I have been blissfully unaware of the shadow which had become a constant companion in life, and today I had made an attempt to unravel the mystery of this shadow and to incorporate it with my true self.

It is not easy to embrace the shadow, because the shadow contains part of myself which I had been trying to hide all the time from others; the bitter past experiences, persons who had left an indelible mark in my memory, more often negatively than positively, phantoms which had become part of my second nature and would not depart from me, and today I have decided to name the shadows and call them one by one to have an intimate time with them. I know this may not be the last time I would meet them; though I would very much like them to leave me for good, and yet I know for sure that they may take some time to leave me in peace.

It might be wrong to assume that all the shadows I have inherited are the works of my own creation or imagination; some of them have been inherited from my parents, my identity in society, the socio-cultural milieu in which I was born and grew into adulthood; some of the shadows have been imposed onto me by others in society, and I had been collecting them like a little child innocently collecting shells from the beach, and I had been giving shape to some of them as I grew into adulthood, and began to realize my dreams and aspirations; when my attempts to realize my dreams failed to take shape, I had taken shelter under the watchful care of my shadows.

I know that I had to recognize the shadows which accompany me, and give them a fitting farewell from my life at some time or other, but it is not that easy to do it. There are still certain areas in life, where I feel weak and fragile, and if I were to face failure or humiliation, challenges too big for me to face, where could I take shelter. It would be hard for me to say how long I would have to need them, but I can live an authentic life only when the shadows are gone. So long the shadows protect me from facing real problems and challenges, I am not living an authentic life, I always find a pseudo self which bears all the blame and excuses.

The false selfhood in each one of us expresses itself in defense mechanism, areas where I feel incompetent but am challenged to prove myself, where I find it hard to accept the so-called ugliness of my true self, and this is a process which begins at the moment when we are first challenged by society, which expects from us, something different from what we enter the world with. The shadows will be prepared to part with me, but it is I who feel reluctant to say goodbye to them. Today I wish to take a good look at my true, authentic self, and accept me as I am, so that I would have the courage to bid farewell to my assumed self. I believe after some days I would be able to smile at my shadows and tell them to part from me for good.