I am weak!

Ever since I heard the song some 27 years ago, I have been moved by the depth of the lyrics. Even today when I try to join my voice with the singer, I could feel my voice tremble. This song has become partly the theme song of my life. I am presenting the song which has become the favorite of several persons, and has moved them to tears. “I'm only human, I'm just a woman / Help me believe in what I could be / And all that I am / Show me the stairway, I have to climb / Lord for my sake, teach me to take / One day at a time.// cho: One day at a time sweet Jesus / That's all I'm asking from you / Just give me the strength / To do every day what I have to do / Yesterdays gone sweet Jesus / And tomorrow may never be mine / Lord help me today, show me the way / One day at a time. // Do you remember, when you walked among men / Well Jesus you know if you're looking below / It's worse now, than then / Cheating and stealing, violence and crime / So for my sake, teach me to take / One day at a time.”

Sometimes I wonder if something had gone wrong when God was creating me; if he had forgotten to add the proper proportion of head and heart. The weaknesses that I carry with me become the thorn in the flesh that St Paul talks about in his Second Letter to Corinthians 12:7-10. Why should my weaknesses control and direct my steps and why don’t I have the strength to withstand these temptations? I do not think that God takes pleasure in my weaknesses and falls; he cannot be such a cruel God. The more I become conscious of the ingrained weaknesses in my flesh, I could only utter the glorious words of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane: the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak! There is no dearth of goodness and willingness, but the flesh falters me each time.

Ignorance is bliss; it is all the more true in the case of my weaknesses. So long I was not aware of my weaknesses and limitations, I was in bliss, and there was nothing which disturbed my peace. Though a lot of people made so much of hue and cry, I was not moved; but things have changed drastically now. I am painfully aware of my dark spots and they make me sleepless. The fear of yielding to my weaknesses is yet another demon which is chasing me night and day. Even when I am so conscious of my weaknesses, I can’t even make out when I am yielding to it. It happens so suddenly that I may not be present to those moments. I feel sad that I had not been able to resist the temptation of yielding to the temptations. I have become a loser, again, and do not see much of hope in restoring back my life.

Even in my weak moments, there is one consolation: I am not the only weak person in the world; there are millions who are just as weak as I am, and some of them are even weaker than me, and still they go through life joyfully without complaining or arguing with the creator. It is possible that I am not satisfied with what I am, and always wish to be better than what God had made me to be. I comparison to my weaknesses, the strengths that God had showered on me are too numerous, and yet I only magnify my weaknesses and fail to thank God for the many strengths. It is because of my strengths that I am able to continue with life, without taking recourse to any short cuts. There are brighter spots which are my guiding light, and how easily I ignore them!

St Paul had experienced the strength that came from God during his weak moments, and it would have been a wonderful experience for him. To surrender my weaknesses to him, and seeking him to strengthen me – this is my moment of grace. This implies that I need to take recourse to him, seek his ever abiding help, so that I am not stranded on the life’s path. For God, my weaknesses may not appear as weaknesses, and he could turn them into my strengths; nothing is impossible for him, and that is where I place so much of confidence in him, and live with hope. Even if everything were to fail and part from me, I know God will not leave me, for he would be there every time I fall and seek his help.

Fathoming Failures

If failures in life were to be the yardstick to assess our human worth, then there would be no human person left on earth; perhaps the animals and plants would be much better off in that case. We know that everyone encounters failures at some stage or other, and I would be bold enough to say that not a single human person is there, who has never encountered failures in life. We could say that failures are our second nature, and it is only because of our failures that we can bow down our heads before God, nature and circumstances and acknowledge our limitations. Every time I fail to accomplish something, I feel bad, and sometimes the failures put me off, and I regret for not doing my best for the work assigned, and when people cannot face failures, they go to the extent of ending their lives. Every time results in schools are announced, there would be at least a couple of cases of suicides of students.

When my friend told me that she had not got through one of the two examinations she had appeared for, I was not disturbed. From her voice I could make out that she was disturbed by the results, and she even said that it would take her a couple of days to get over the feeling. Serious people would often find it hard to accept failure, especially if they had given their best for a work and at the end to face failure is unthinkable. Such people think that failure indicates that all their labour has gone in vain, and it was a futile job that they had spent so much of their time and energy. But we do know that there are areas where success does not depend on our ability or intelligence alone; there are other factors which are responsible for getting through in life. Therefore we need to look at failures at the proper perspective.

How much of responsibility could we take up for the failures that we encounter in life? There is no magical formula with which we could measure the rate of our responsibility; it all depends on how much of the work depended ourselves per se. For instance, to get through the examination, mere intelligence is not enough; we would hope that one is able to write well in the examinations; feeling sick on the day of exam may be enough to produce bad results. Then we would hope that the answer script lands an examiner who is in his proper disposition to look at the paper objectively. If he or she had a fight at home in the morning, then the reaction of that anger might be reflected on the answer scripts. Then we would hope that the addition of the marks is done accurately and that there is no addition mistake, and lastly that the persons reproducing the marks on the final list do the good job and don’t change the figures. All these are responsible for our success.

Even if there had been a loophole in the entire process, then our success could be jeopardized. Therefore it is proper to take failures with a pinch of salt. There are external pressures which control our success; psycho-social and cultural context also contribute their own mite towards our success. My purpose is not so much to justify the failure that my friend had to face, but to look at success and failure with as much objectivity as possible. I had known that she was not in a proper frame of mind when she went to write the examination, and had even told me how she felt while writing the exam, and therefore I could not blame for failing in one exam. Blaming her for the failure could only cripple her self-confidence and usher in more failure.

How are we to look at failures in life? Failures in life cannot be taken as the failure of the person; we need to dissociate failures from the persons. Failures, we are told, are stepping stones to grow and forge ahead, and they could also become the proper motivation to excel and go beyond the expected standards. They could serve as the spark of flame which could explore the volcanoes of creativity and originality. If a school dropout could build an empire of software companies (I am referring to Bill Gates of Microsoft), and another school dropout who finished his schooling at the age of 13, could give the world the consciousness on the present moment (I am talking about Eckhart Tolle, who had revolutionized the world with his ‘The Power of Now’), we all of us can make something worthwhile out of our failures. The only precondition in the process is that we do not turn back, but fix our eyes on the goals set ahead and march forward.

The Lakshman Rekha

There is an invisible boundary we draw for ourselves, wherever we are, and whatever we do, and whoever we are! It is not what we are, what we do, which determine who we are; ultimately what matters is how far our boundaries go, and how much it crisscrosses the boundaries of others! There are some of us, who would not like that their personal boundaries cross someone else’s, nor could they tolerate someone else trespassing into their limits! Being conscious of the personal boundaries allows the individuals certain amount of freedom and independence, and in the long run the boundaries may shrink or widen to accommodate more persons or thought patterns. But ultimately we are what our boundaries make of us.

Most of us are not even aware of the boundaries we make for ourselves and for others; the walls are not merely imaginary, we communicate to people how far they could come close to us, and what that would imply. On the one hand, it is not too difficult in the modern world, to isolate ourselves and keep us insulated from all that may be happening in the world. On the other hand, it is possible to be open to what the world is offering us and benefit from them. But most often the boundaries could determine our fate, what we are destined to be. Those who are able to adapt themselves to changing times and situations would find life enjoyable, as they keep shifting the boundaries as life offers them.

Some are too stringent about their limits and boundaries, not refusing to change them even a little, in order to accommodate persons and situations which are beyond their control. Convictions is one such thing; if we are too strict about abiding by our convictions, we would too soon realize that many of them come in direct conflict with those of others. What is good may be bad for others, and it is impossible to insist on our convictions, especially who do not share even some kind of affinity with us. Boundaries are not sacrosanct; they are merely means to achieve happiness and peace in life, but if we take them too seriously, we might miss the fun.

It is quite interesting to observe how we come to draw boundaries, the so called Lakshman rekha for ourselves and for others; fortunately there are no strict rules and regulations as to determining our boundaries and limits. It is left to each individual, and the only condition is to respect the interests and sentiments of others. So long I do not impinge on other’s interests and area of operation, I am free to do what I want. The society around us is not going to be worried if our boundaries are too narrow or too wide, so long we are by ourselves. No one might bother about us, so long we do not disturb the peace and harmony of others and the earth.

Today I would like to pause for a while to consider the boundary I had drawn for myself and for others, and take a good look at it. What have I done with this boundary, and how many boundaries have I crisscrossed over the past years; more the number of boundaries I crisscross, the better are I in terms of living in harmony with others and with nature. Everyone is bound to enrich me through their interaction with me. As the lines of the boundaries become blurred, and we begin to freely walk into the lives of others, we might experience a different kind of harmony dawning upon us. Miracles might happen when we are invited to step into others boundaries, for only those who are fully freed from the shackles of the world, can invite others to step into their world!

Mutual Giving

I have great regards and admiration for the people who want to make the most of the years at their disposal. Quality living is a big question mark, when the world battles with all odds to gain a few more years added to our life span. But we need to ask ourselves, is adding a few more years with the help of artificial means going to help us realize the worth of this life? Are we not in many ways the replica of Christopher Marlowe's Doctor Faustus, who floundered his whole life in acquiring all known knowledge, and was on his knees before Satan, pleading for a few more years, months, weeks, days, hours or minutes. If Doctor Faustus failed to receive reprieve, so it may happen in our case too.

To make hay while the sun shines, is not merely a proverb that has no relevance to our times. A few days ago, a friend of mine brought this point to my attention when she said, we can't afford to be bogged down by trivialities, but will have to look beyond the horizon, to make the best of our situations and times. Our life span is carved into our hearts, and there is no physical mechanism to stop aging. It is said that only in the case of film stars, age does not catch up with them (or at least that is what they think!). A journalist has asked an actress, you said you were nineteen two years ago, and say the same even after two years! She smiles, I am not the kind of person who changes her words!

Fortunately most of us are quite aware of our own limitations, and do not expect to achieve the impossible, and our expectations from life are quite reasonable. On an average, we are capable of giving only about half of our life span for quality work - real contribution to the world. Is it possible for us to carve a niche for ourselves in the annals of world history? Or is it really necessary for each one of us to leave behind a legacy that the world will care to safeguard? Legacies are formed on the basis of what we want to give to the world, rather than robbing from the world's treasuries things that will benefit only me and my concerns.

Often I am reminded of what is often quoted, even out of context, from one of the sayings of Abraham Lincoln, Ask not what the nation has done for you, but ask what you have done for the nation. The same quote could be rephrased as, ask not what the world/life has offered to you, but ask what you have offered to the world. In fact, the world heritage that we cherish today is the fruit of the labor of several thousands of men and women, who had given freely what they had so that the future generations may have happiness in full. But the beauty of life is that if returns to the giver manifold of what is given, and one is filled beyond all limits. We are called to this mutual sharing of what we are and what we have.

Today I would like to pause for a while and consider what I have given to the world from the moment I was up from bed. Let me enlist all that I have done which could benefit the world; it may be a hug to my spouse, a kiss to my child, a smile to my neighbor, a kind gesture to the aging parents, a kind word to an ailing relative, a sympathetic look at the beggar on the road. In other words, there are much more important things in life, which I can offer to the world than my money and riches. Perhaps it is easy for me to throw a few coins to a beggar, and may cost me a lot to stand and look at him sympathetically, even when I have nothing to offer. If I begin to give without counting the cost, then I will know that I am going to receive in turn manifold riches, that can fill the whole world!