Looking through the Window

It is hard to pin-point what exactly has gone wrong with me today; the day began as usual; there was a more than usual share of office correspondence to be checked, and some official documents to be prepared, but beyond them all, there was nothing unusual,and yet I found something strange with me! There was a sense of restlessness deep within me and that made me show my anger at a friend who even after trying for four times on her mobile phone, continued to chat with her friend. I was annoyed and irritated, though I would not think she had done an heinous crime! But I do not really know what was responsible for this restlessness!

From the way I feel just now, I know somewhere something has been switched on, which could make my moods swing. It is possible that I had carried the uneasy feeling I felt as when I went to sleep last night; it was prompted by one of my friends, and she began the day speaking to me on a matter-of-fact tone, which really disturbed me. I might have disturbed her last night, and she was angry with me for that, and today she showed her indifference and anger through different ways. Maybe that is what has made me feel down all the day long. But I would be wrong to make her responsible for my feeling!

At least for today, I would like to own up my own feelings and mistakes, and am not going to look for any scapegoats! Often I find great pleasure in dumping my mistakes, blunders and weaknesses onto others, and claim innocence for me; the blame game is one of the first games we learn to play in our childhood days, and we are taught to play it well. But we are not children anymore (though many of us may behave so), and it is time we behave like adults. Until I own up myself as I am, I am building a big fat ego, which is like a bubble, that can be blown by a slight gust of wind! Then, why should I blow my trumpet, when I know for sure it will be submerged by mighty thunders?

If I can find so much of smoke all around me, is it not possible to find where all the smoke is coming from? I need to find the spark of fire, slowly and steadily eating up something which can be consumed. I sit quietly and venture to delve deep into the heart of my being, to the center of my body-mind-spirit complex! It is not an easy task to bring these three elements to a sync (short for syncronization). I look for the spark of fire at every nook and cranny of this complex, and I can find nothing which can be held responsible for the smoke. Maybe it is the smoke from the unresolved agenda of the past, but I am not prepared to pursue the past!

One question suddenly pops up in my mind: why should be down, whatever be the reason? Is there anything on earth, which can really make me sad? No one can make me sad, I alone can deliberately and willingly allow myself to be sad; in the same way, no one on earth can make me happy; I alone can decide to be happy, and no one can snatch it from me. It does not take much for me to cheer up - I can cheer up even without a mug of beer, or whiskey! All I need is to turn on the music CD that I love, and let myself be drowned by the music and melody, and at the end of the song, I would know there is a new current flowing over me, and I can look at the blue sky through the window, and smile!

Riddles of Life

The faces of Payel and Megha are still fresh in my mind, so also their young mother Mohua! There is a stamp of sadness on their faces, even as they recall the one who is languishing in Presidency Central Correctional Home. Megha is 8 and Payel is 6, and yet they miss their father. Circumstances had forced their father to murder a partner in his petty business, and today he is a lifer, and has already completed four years, and if he is good in the correctional home, he may see the light of day after about 10 years, but there is no guarantee that he would walk scot free if his character is not up to the mark!

But I shudder to think of these two kids growing up without the loving care of the father; they meet him behind bars once a while, but that is not enough for them to feel that they have someone they can lean on to meet their needs. They seem to chase clouds, and the moment they think that everything will be fine, they realize that they are caught by unknown fears! How can life be so cruel in the case of some hapless victims of circumstances! I do not much worry about the punishment that their father needs to accept, but the plight of these two kids and the young lady, who has to live each day of her life, hoping that one day her husband would return home and everything may be fine!

With none to support her materially and financially, save her father, Mohua's life is a big question mark; thanks to the Apostolic Carmel sisters, who support the education of Payel and Mohua through their Back Home project, but then what about their two meals a day, and their clothes, medical bills. The two girls have a whole life before them, and after a couple of years, they might think life is too cruel for them to go through and may look for avenues to ease the burden of their mother. Will they follow the footsteps of their father, while attempting to face the harsh realities of life? Time will tell us about it.

The elder daughter Megha is aware that her father may not return home, and her consoling words to her father, when she meets him at the correctional home is this : Do take care of yourself, and dont worry about us! She does not expect her father to return home, and deep down there is an unknown pain in this little heart. Even when she tries to smile, some where in the corner of her lips, she betrays that pain. Can anyone on earth fulfill the void that had been created by the "loss" of her father? The dark episodes of her childhood may mar her entire future, and that maybe a sad thing.

Is there God, and if he is there, then why should this happen to me, I can hear 32-year old Mohua murmuring, and no one can give her an acceptable answer. She would be forever grateful to God, even if part of her dreams of a happy family is redeemed by the return of her husband, but that can only be a wish fulfillment. If there is a simple support system to stand by the two girls and their mother, then there are chances that they will be able to face the many scorching summer and torrential rains and nail-biting winters. There they might find consolation that not all is lost!