It is hard to pin-point what exactly has gone wrong with me today; the day began as usual; there was a more than usual share of office correspondence to be checked, and some official documents to be prepared, but beyond them all, there was nothing unusual,and yet I found something strange with me! There was a sense of restlessness deep within me and that made me show my anger at a friend who even after trying for four times on her mobile phone, continued to chat with her friend. I was annoyed and irritated, though I would not think she had done an heinous crime! But I do not really know what was responsible for this restlessness!
From the way I feel just now, I know somewhere something has been switched on, which could make my moods swing. It is possible that I had carried the uneasy feeling I felt as when I went to sleep last night; it was prompted by one of my friends, and she began the day speaking to me on a matter-of-fact tone, which really disturbed me. I might have disturbed her last night, and she was angry with me for that, and today she showed her indifference and anger through different ways. Maybe that is what has made me feel down all the day long. But I would be wrong to make her responsible for my feeling!
At least for today, I would like to own up my own feelings and mistakes, and am not going to look for any scapegoats! Often I find great pleasure in dumping my mistakes, blunders and weaknesses onto others, and claim innocence for me; the blame game is one of the first games we learn to play in our childhood days, and we are taught to play it well. But we are not children anymore (though many of us may behave so), and it is time we behave like adults. Until I own up myself as I am, I am building a big fat ego, which is like a bubble, that can be blown by a slight gust of wind! Then, why should I blow my trumpet, when I know for sure it will be submerged by mighty thunders?
If I can find so much of smoke all around me, is it not possible to find where all the smoke is coming from? I need to find the spark of fire, slowly and steadily eating up something which can be consumed. I sit quietly and venture to delve deep into the heart of my being, to the center of my body-mind-spirit complex! It is not an easy task to bring these three elements to a sync (short for syncronization). I look for the spark of fire at every nook and cranny of this complex, and I can find nothing which can be held responsible for the smoke. Maybe it is the smoke from the unresolved agenda of the past, but I am not prepared to pursue the past!
One question suddenly pops up in my mind: why should be down, whatever be the reason? Is there anything on earth, which can really make me sad? No one can make me sad, I alone can deliberately and willingly allow myself to be sad; in the same way, no one on earth can make me happy; I alone can decide to be happy, and no one can snatch it from me. It does not take much for me to cheer up - I can cheer up even without a mug of beer, or whiskey! All I need is to turn on the music CD that I love, and let myself be drowned by the music and melody, and at the end of the song, I would know there is a new current flowing over me, and I can look at the blue sky through the window, and smile!
No comments:
Post a Comment