Falling for the Frills

One of my close friends had come to pour out something to me, and though I was initially not prepared for it, but then I let him do it. He had been pained at the way his companion who had been staying with him for almost a year, had been dealing and relating to him. He began saying that the small Christian community he tried to strengthen was now divided, and after a pause added that it was divided between him and his companion who had left the place for good. The over-enthusiastic friend had been trying to win the confidence of the people, most often without consulting with my friend who happened to be the in-charge, and that had caused enough confusion among the people. The one obvious motive of the companion was to outdo what my friend was doing, and so he projected himself a better person, priest, pastor and administrator, and he was successful in establishing this among some people.

I had seen for myself that one of the basic wants or needs of this particular companion was to become popular among the people. He made use of his talent to sing folk songs to this advantage, and would even exaggerate facts, as to how so many people are flocking to him, to listen to his singing, his spiritual counsels, and I became wary of this, and would take his words only with a pinch of salt. There is no doubt, he was clever, confident, and even knowledgeable, but there was also the other side, which showed that he was feeling threatened by others, who might be more competent, smart, and even intellectually gifted. The need to assert himself before his other friends and companions led him to take the companion he was living with for granted. It was not an easy thing to digest, my friend confided.

There is an inner craving in most of us to be popular and famous; who does not want to be appreciated? Who does not want to win the applause of hundreds and thousands? Probably there had been something wanting in this companion which made him seek this appreciation of his own accord. He volunteered to organize spiritual talks, and prayer sessions, but each time it was his need to win the hearts of simple people, who could be easily brain-washed in the name of spirituality! And he was able to get a sizable following, who considered him “guru”, and he would like it very much. The small band of people he collected slowly became a band of gossip-mongers, and who indulged in generous snacks from the friends and neighbors. But he should have realized that this trend was going to break the community into two groups.

It would be unfair to judge this companion on the basis of what my friend had poured out to me; but at least in this case, I know that my friend did not exaggerate facts, for I myself had lived with this companion for a year, and had seen how hard it is to live with him. He had his own way of doing thing, and I had my own, and my friend has his own way of organizing things. But in an organizational setup there is always something called subsidiarity, we follow a ladder. The power of decision-making is invested with the leader of the group, and it is important that those under his care respect this responsibility, and if the members begin to decide on the things which are the domain of the leader, then there is bound to be confusion, and that precisely is what happened in this case.

Over the years I have been struggling to find the secret magic mantra of personal happiness, that which can keep me on the high all the time, and I feel that I had come close to it in the recent times: happiness that is imposed on me from outside cannot last long; it will be only momentary, and that would be like taking recourse to alcohol or drugs; the kick does not last long. However the happiness that flows out of what I truly am, can sustain me for long, and its waters cannot dry. It is like a stream which runs quietly and smoothly, and it can run over sand and rocks with equal ease. I wish our companion realized this secret that true lasting happiness should flow out of his own self, of what he is, rather than seeking the appreciation and approval of others. Life can be quite different if only we see the difference between the two sides of the spectrum.

Animated by Love

Some of our men have such an enormous amount of energy that I can hardly compete with them. I wonder from where they get so much energy to go on working almost like a machine. During the last few days of organizing a fitting farewell for one of our companions, I realized that many of us had put our shoulders together to make this a memorable day, and I do feel that our friend would be smiling even as I anticipate his reaction to our humble efforts. We have our differences, but when it comes to organizing an event such as this, our men do it wonderfully well. We can get over our differences, and think alike in getting the best of what we have and what we are. That is what I am thankful to God today, for our men who could give their best when needed.

Now coming to the secret of their energy, this is not something so very new and spectacular. I realize when we have love for a person or a group of people, we would go all extent to give our best for them, and that I realize is the secret of their immense energy. The love we had for this of our sick Brother, whose both the kidneys failed and was on dialysis twice a week, was something remarkable. Since I stayed in a house a little far from where this friend stayed, I could not spare much time for him, but those who were members of this community, had gone out of their way to be available to meet his needs, especially accompanying him to the hospital for dialysis and bringing him back… it was not an easy task, and they did this with great love.

Yesterday I had gone to the college to check certain things for today’s funeral, and I realized that three of our men who were involved with the preparations were not there, and I could guess that they might have gone out. And a little later I came to know from the notice board that they had gone to the market. When I had finished my other works and was about to leave, I saw these three men climbing up the stairs with lots of flowers. One of them said smiling “3 Idiots”, and I know he made a reference to the recent film of the same title, which supposedly showcased the achievements of three idiots. What a combination, I wondered for a while, and yet, when it came to preparations for the day, there was good understanding, and I had not seen them fighting over any silly things.

In fact, as we bade farewell to our friend, what I heard from several people who expressed their sentiments for him was so very heart-renting that I felt they had all experienced it. Our friend was known for having a special love for people who approached him for either a service, or favor or work done by him. He did it with great love, and during the lunch today one of the priests of the diocese said that the departed friend was going out of his way to make the Sisters happy and at home; he would take them by the vehicle and drop them at a place from where they could get express buses, and many people appreciated this gentle and lovely gesture of the man. He was not after money, or after name and fame; he was a simple man, who valued people for what they were, and he did not hesitate to make special provisions to accommodate them that they felt handled with great love and care.

If the man had so much of energy to be involved with so many works, and be on his toes to get different things going during his tenure as in-charge of the estate, it was just because he was in love with the place and the people, and that is what made many of the people to shed tears today, as his body was lowered to the tomb. One of the girls, aged some 12, was crying profusely, because she had seen him around as she grew from the age of 3 or 4, and she had known the man he was, and it might have been difficult for her to bid goodbye to him. If we are not able to give our full selves for the work assigned to us, or that we often get into problems completing the works or find it hard to work with co-workers, the first question that we need to ask ourselves is this : am I in love with the place and the people associated with this work, or am I doing it just as a job assigned to me. The aspect of doing anything for the love of the persons associated with, can make a lot of difference.

The short-sighted

It is so painful to come across people who are myopic, short-sighted, who cannot look beyond their nose, as it were. All that they can see is the tip of their noses, and their shoulder blades. The problem is aggravated if this kind of people are placed in charge of some other simple, gullible people, who may not have a voice. Sometimes the life of a person may be at risk if the person who sits on top were to think something other than what common sense may demand. In order to assert one’s superiority, authority, or even dubious spiritual power, this person may do something which may cost a life or more, and still they may remain what they were, and may not reconsider the futility of their arrogance or myopia.

As I sat sitting the emotionally-charged words of one of our friends, who felt how the person who was in-charge of him turned a blind eye to him, leaving him to semi-existence. Tears were welling up in his eyes, as he narrated to me how he felt, and what he was contemplating of. I cannot just disregard the sentiments of this companion, who is no small child to shed tears, because he did not get what he wanted; he was senior to me, and in age at least six or seven years older to me. That is to say, he should be nearing 50, and it is not easy to bear a man of that age shed tears, and I could see that he was not faking, it was genuine. He could not resist the tears, and had to go to the sink once to wash his face. I was helpless as to how to console him.

Though I would not agree to all that he had told me, I could understand that there was a point in what he was feeling, and how he was treated. I could understand that he did not receive a fair deal from his boss, who could decide on his fate (thanks to the religious vow of obedience that the inferior had professed). I knew only too well that this boss had too little time to think about the men he is to look after; his eyes were fixed on something higher and noble, and he would not stoop to be bothered about the dispensable men. He had made decisions, which involved this sick friend, without even properly informing him, and this sick companion asked me, ‘what will happen if I refused to accept his proposal?’ and there are more chances that he may not agree to it.

Those who wish to succeed in life are invited to focus their attention on what they wish to achieve, and exclude from their perspective and attention everything else which may distance them from the goal they wish to achieve. Our boss was doing exactly the same, and there are so many victims, who could have been retained in our company, were they given proper guidance and directions. One person’s determination to achieve what he was craving for was going to let another person lose in the battle with life, and I felt sad for this friend, but I had no strong words of consolation. Sometimes I felt I was as powerless and hapless as other people who needed the strong hands of some powerful people to save them.

Living a life of dedication for some 30 years and contemplating leaving this kind of life, in order to explore avenues to save one’s life is something I find it hard to accept. There was so much of sorrow in his heart, and maybe this is the first time that he had dared to pour out his heart to someone. I was asking myself, have we become so very indifferent to human feelings and sentiments that we could continue to hold on to our own guts, even at the expense of letting others who are under our care to perish silently. Have we closed our ears to listen to their silent sobs and screams of agony and pain? Why is it that we cannot just question the personal evils of a select few spewing venom on a group of well-meaning dedicated people?

Looking through the Window

It is hard to pin-point what exactly has gone wrong with me today; the day began as usual; there was a more than usual share of office correspondence to be checked, and some official documents to be prepared, but beyond them all, there was nothing unusual,and yet I found something strange with me! There was a sense of restlessness deep within me and that made me show my anger at a friend who even after trying for four times on her mobile phone, continued to chat with her friend. I was annoyed and irritated, though I would not think she had done an heinous crime! But I do not really know what was responsible for this restlessness!

From the way I feel just now, I know somewhere something has been switched on, which could make my moods swing. It is possible that I had carried the uneasy feeling I felt as when I went to sleep last night; it was prompted by one of my friends, and she began the day speaking to me on a matter-of-fact tone, which really disturbed me. I might have disturbed her last night, and she was angry with me for that, and today she showed her indifference and anger through different ways. Maybe that is what has made me feel down all the day long. But I would be wrong to make her responsible for my feeling!

At least for today, I would like to own up my own feelings and mistakes, and am not going to look for any scapegoats! Often I find great pleasure in dumping my mistakes, blunders and weaknesses onto others, and claim innocence for me; the blame game is one of the first games we learn to play in our childhood days, and we are taught to play it well. But we are not children anymore (though many of us may behave so), and it is time we behave like adults. Until I own up myself as I am, I am building a big fat ego, which is like a bubble, that can be blown by a slight gust of wind! Then, why should I blow my trumpet, when I know for sure it will be submerged by mighty thunders?

If I can find so much of smoke all around me, is it not possible to find where all the smoke is coming from? I need to find the spark of fire, slowly and steadily eating up something which can be consumed. I sit quietly and venture to delve deep into the heart of my being, to the center of my body-mind-spirit complex! It is not an easy task to bring these three elements to a sync (short for syncronization). I look for the spark of fire at every nook and cranny of this complex, and I can find nothing which can be held responsible for the smoke. Maybe it is the smoke from the unresolved agenda of the past, but I am not prepared to pursue the past!

One question suddenly pops up in my mind: why should be down, whatever be the reason? Is there anything on earth, which can really make me sad? No one can make me sad, I alone can deliberately and willingly allow myself to be sad; in the same way, no one on earth can make me happy; I alone can decide to be happy, and no one can snatch it from me. It does not take much for me to cheer up - I can cheer up even without a mug of beer, or whiskey! All I need is to turn on the music CD that I love, and let myself be drowned by the music and melody, and at the end of the song, I would know there is a new current flowing over me, and I can look at the blue sky through the window, and smile!

Transposing Transparency

I got a shock of my life, when she told me that I was not transparent enough to her, that I was not sharing with her about my 'friends'. After months, I got this severe jolt, and I was not prepared for it. My friend had a doubt, and she wanted me to clarify it, and I found myself in a helpless situation how to explain to her, or prove to her that I am quite open and transparent to her and that I had nothing more than what I had been telling her all these days and months. But still she felt that I was hiding something from her. There are certain things in life, which cannot be expressed in words, and today I felt strongly that I ran short of words!

Human life is a web of relations, one linked to another. Sometimes the web is shattered by reasons beyond one's control, and certain contacts fall instantly, and some others get strengthened. The ones with very little significance cannot bear the jerk, and fall off even before the jolt; the ones which have stuck to the heart are prepared to bear any amount of jolt and may only feel that their grip has been strengthened. We live in a world where we cannot live with exclusive relationships; even in marital relationships, there is scope to have friends, well-wishers, relatives, and that is the web of friends and neighbors who would come to one's aid, when s/he is in trouble.

When I tell someone that I do not believe in exclusive relationships, she often misunderstands me, and I had enough of trouble because of this conviction of mine. There are very few people who really see my point : I was touched by this wise saying of Tony De Mello: my happiness does not depend on anyone else other than myself. I decide if I want to be happy or not; no one will have the right over me, concerning my happiness. In an exclusive relationship, I expect that my happiness would depend on my partner, and vice versa. If something were to happen to my partner, then my happiness is doomed. Should I allow this kind of predicament to me?

All human relations are woven on the basis of mutual trust; when doubt surfaces in the mind of any one of the partners, then the relationship is bound to break into pieces. It is not that doubts do not rise in the mind of partners, but they will have to be clarified, and sorted out as soon as possible, or else the doubts will eat up the relationship, and too soon it will be in tatters. But what I can I really do when such a doubt rises in the mind of my partner/friend; what can I do to dispel doubt from the mind of my friend, and resume the former relationship we had been cherishing for years?

I am not feigning ignorance in this matter, but do feel helpless sincerely. If human relations should depend on proofs and witnesses, then there are less chances that any lasting relationship could ever be possible. I do understand, if I had not given any scope to my friend to doubt my trust, she would not have done so, and therefore I am partly responsible for making things this way, and will have to crack my mind to find an amicable solution to this problem. I know for sure that time is a great healer, and if I do give enough time for these things to settle down, probably I may find that the doubt has evaporated in the meantime!

The Sweet-Talker

It was not a pleasant experience! I called up a senior friend of mine yesterday to ask for an official favor, that is to say, a favor not for me personally, but on an official level. And the friend, who addresses me always as a younger brother, sounded very enthusiastic at what I was asking for, and he readily complied to my request. He invited me to attend a meeting too regarding the favor I was asking him, and later during the day he called me up to say that he was postponing the meeting to today morning. But when I reached his place to attend the meeting, with the hope that the request had been agreed upon, and we were to plan out things for a common program.

It came as a rude shock for me to realize that the people concerned about this common program were not in one mind; there were differences of opinion, and I was blind to it. My senior friend had not told me when I asked him about the possible problems and inconveniences. So when we began the meeting, there were arguments and counter arguments. I who had taken for granted that consent had been given to hold the common program in friend's place, got a message quite different from the one I was given to understand. It was an embarassing situation, as every one spoke about the pros and cons. But I found it hard to save my face, because I really did not know what the main problem was.

I was quite disappointed by the opposition posed by certain members, and I found it uneasy at that moment to counter them. I had already announced that the common program was to be held at that place, and it would be quite cumbersome to change the venue; that would only confuse the invitees. I even heard my senior friend say then that it would be better to shift the program to some other place, but it was difficult for me to do that, because I had already announced the venue. Luckily I had to meet our printer to give him the material for printing, and so I had to move out of the place for about fifteen minutes.

Thank God, when I returned to the place after meeting the printer, the situation had cooled, and the members were in a much better mood to discuss and decide. All agreed that the program could be held there, and necessary arrangements would be made by people concerned. I was happy that at last all the members together consented, and that my burden had been lightened. I really had a sigh of relief, when I heard all people concerned, agreed to take charge of the entire program. But I was still not sure where the problem was, which put the members in a fix in the beginning?

I did get the answer when I met another younger friend of mine, who told me that my senior friend was not too happy to hold the common program in his place, and was complaining to other members about the inconveniences. But why could he not tell me when I called him to ask about his opinion? Unfortunately my senior friend belongs to the category of people who wish to please every one on earth. While people of this sort have sweet words for people who ask them a favor, at the heart they are quite sour, and in order to protect themselves, they would pass the bug on to others. My friend, who had been known as an excellent organizer, would not like to take responsibility, but wanted others to own up the proposal. Since better sense prevailed among other members, my day was saved!