Failures as stepping stones

I know one thing for sure, I do not determine the success or failure of the things I am engaged in. Though I would desire success in all that I do, I do not succeed in achieving it; I am not able to say if there is something basically lacking in me, or if I am expecting far too much from life. I do have a good share of success in life, and for that I would ever be grateful to God; there were times when my companions and friends had envied me, and I had floated in vain glory. I even thought that I was smarter than what I had been imagining myself to be, or what others had thought me to be. But at the end of the day, I cannot help but admit that I am a mixture of success and failures in life, and I cannot hold on only to successes, for the real stepping stones in life are failures.

The world around me insists that success in life is the yardstick to measure the worth of life, but if that be the case a good majority of the human population would be condemned to failure in life, because what they had managed to achieve in life in terms of success are too negligible to mention. I know that success alone cannot be the indicator of how I have fared in life; I need to look for some other objective criteria, which will help me to assess my own self and that of others. Unfortunately the whole world may shout in unison that I was a utter failure in life and had not scored well in the examination of life, even if I had done my best. But I know with God there is a different kind of yardstick, and here he would look at my efforts and not so much the fruits of my labor.

Everyone around me looks at the fruits of my labor, if they are sweet or sour. There is not a single soul who would appreciate sour, but everyone would go in unison for the sweet. But the sour moments alone help a person to appreciate the beauty and wonder of the sweet. I had been overly conscious of achieving success in life, and in the meantime had failed to live life as it came to me with all its innumerable hues and colors. I had failed miserably to taste what life offered me, and even if I had succeeded in life from the point of view of the world, I have failed miserably before the Lord and before my own inner self. I had resisted the moments of my failure and cursed everyone who had made me fail in life, because it came as a bitter moment for me; it would take a life time for me to understand the secret behind every failure I had walked through.

If every single person were to succeed in life, and does not experience failure, then life would be quite different. It is only because there are failures that we could strive towards success, but there are moments when we find it hard to rise up from the fall and continue further in life. There are the moments we long for a helping hand, and who else but God stretches out his hand on the Cross and helps us to hold on to the wooden frame which is the ultimate symbol of failure. If the Son of God had gone through the ultimate symbol of failure, what is there for me to accept miniscule minute failures, which may not even leave behind their traces in my life. It is the crucified Lord who accepted joyfully the shame of utter failure, which could give me the sight to see the wonder of embracing failures when they come my way!

There is nothing more shocking and embarrassing for me than the moment of failures; this is the most unwanted reality in my life, and in fact there is not a single soul on earth, who would willingly and joyfully welcome failure. This is the unwelcome friend who alone can help us understand and appreciate the hard way to face reality. Today I stand to welcome every failure which may come knocking at my door, because it is only when I embrace it joyfully that I can enter into the very mystery of the Cross, and then I may find my way to the mystery of the resurrection, a success which may far surpass anything I could ever think of. This perhaps is the way of the kenosis, the self-emptying love of the Lord for his people. If I want to partake of the paschal mystery, then there is no other way than the path of failures, shame, scandal and humiliation which the crucified Lord walked through. Today this could be my way too to find fulfillment and true joy in life.

The Wooden Cross

The Cross that Jesus carried to Calvary and died on, has become the symbol of Christianity, and today it is also the symbol of triumph, victory over death. The two piece wooden frame which had been looked down upon with so much of contempt has suddenly become so very different, thanks to Jesus. What did Jesus do to the wooden frame to transform it altogether? Has anything changed in the wooden frame that made it appear very different from what it was before it was placed on the broken shoulders of Jesus? Another associated question that we could ask is: has something happened to the wood or to Jesus, or to us who look at with different eyes and perspectives today?

I would believe that the wooden frame remained exactly the same, as it had been for all centuries, and Jesus would not have desired to give a new dimension to the commonplace wood either. Looking at Jesus as a human person, going forward to embrace the rough and hard cross makes him truly the Savior and Lord. As the son of a carpenter, Jesus would have known for sure all about the wooden frame, of what tree it is, the height and the weight. As he stretches out his hand to draw it close to his shoulders, he recognizes an unknown familiarity with the wood, a familiarity which had taken him to the Garden of Eden peopled with trees of all sorts, and the special tree of knowledge which stood in the middle.

What is this familiarity between Jesus and the wooden cross? We all know that it is through the cross that Jesus would save the world. Every Jew and Roman would dread the very word, the Cross! How did the cross become so easy for Jesus to accept, especially knowing well that he would be subjected to the death of a hardcore criminal? Was there some magic hidden behind the wood which the Jewish religious leaders failed to take cognizant of? There is no hesitation on the part of Jesus, he seem to be longing to embrace it. The cross is sanctified by the touch of the master craftsman, who in his lifetime might have made several crosses, but this time however not made with a chisel, but with his body and blood.

The wooden frame which had taken years to harden and toughen, seeing several winters and summers is now ready to give space to the God of creation to lay down his head. The tree would have never thought it would receive such a honor. As the creation of the creator, it is only too happy to allow the Lord to sanctify its fibers. The seasoned wood is prepared to present to the Lord its best qualities, even as the hard hearted soldiers pierce the hands and feet of the Master with the wood. The juice of the wood which had preserved a part of it all these years, today mingle with the blood of the Savior, to ease his pain as he goes through untold pain and agony.

If only I were a lifeless wooden frame, it would have been my great honor and privilege to behold the Lord and receive his touch, which alone is enough to transform my life. The lady suffering from hemorrhage received instant healing when she dared to touch the fringe of his garment, and how much more would it be a wonderful experience for me, when the Lord would rest on my frail frame! This is the only thing that any tree can long for! The lifeless tree would then be honored to behold the Savior rather than the more privileged people who stood at the foot of the Cross!

Trifling with the Third (SS 09)

Calvary is almost reached, but there is no more energy left in the body, and as I look at your frail body limping step by step with the burden of the cross, you look at your final destination : the hillock which will immortalize you for all generations to come! But when you fall to the ground for the third time, I know you are at the fag end of your journey, and you can stretch it no longer! The good news is that Calvary is just a few feet away, but the bad news is that you may make it only with great difficulty! Not all soldiers are harsh and cruel to you; maybe there was one soldier, who had a little sympathy for you, and he helps you rise up from the ground, and gives his hand to move forward! Not everyone on earth is bad, I know! Thanks to these sympathetic men and women, we still experience humane treatment.

Most often I get annoyed with people who cannot stop their falls; they keep falling endlessly, until there is no more energy left in their bodies. And yet I cannot stop cursing and shouting at them, because I know if only they put a little more effort, they could have prevented the fall, but your third fall demonstrates before my very eyes that even when the spirit is strong, the flesh may still be weak, and sometimes too weak to with-hold! How beautifully the Savior had accepted his third fall; he knows that it is the reign of darkness, and he had nothing more to do than submit to the whims and fancies of the king of darkness. Helplessness and weakness have crippled him to this state!

When I fall on life’s journey again and again, quite often without myself wanting them, I feel terribly depressive and annoying! I cannot understand my own inclinations and vile attractions, some of which seem to have grown as I grew into adulthood! I cannot blame anyone for the state I am in, and I have to accept all that I am and all that I have, wholly and completely, without any ifs and buts. Then actual life is not as simple as that! I cannot complete even a single paragraph of writing without using ifs and buts, conditions have become my favorite, not only in the blogs, but also in life, and I live thanks to the ifs and buts!

I cannot imagine the Savior using ifs and buts, not only in his speech, but also in his life; if that were the case, then my fate would have been quite different. How do I treat a person who has ran out of all his/her resources, and stands before me seeking shelter and security, be it moral, social or spiritual! It may not be easy to seek such a person with a warm smile, and a bouquet, but then what would be the plight of this person if I were to throw him out of my household? Could I ever be so very hard-hearted as to refuse the little what I can possibly give? The earth has been so very kind and generous to receive the Son of Man with her outstretched arms! Would I do the same with the people who come me for help?

There is an innate tendency in me to keep fighting against all odds, even when I know for sure that I am fighting a losing battle; quite often I tell myself that what matters is not so much the success or failure in such a battle, but the fact that I participate in it whole heartedly, that is what really matters. If that be the case, then it would be rather easy to give up when all my resources run dry; but how could I handle the false pride and arrogance which may not permit me to give up fighting, and accept defeat, knowing well I had done my best to fight against the external forces working against me. I realize that embracing defeat in life does not necessarily mean I accept failure and defeat!

After every fall the weight of the cross seems to be increasing manifold, and the weight of the wooden frame seem to be pressing upon him. The will power in him is strong still, and that is the reason why he does not give it up; he puts his foot forward and knows for sure that he may stumble and fall, together with the cross. The determination and the will power that he had made him complete his journey, though with three falls! For a man whose body has been torn apart by the flagellations and crown of thorns, who had been whipped throughout the journey, the scorching sun added insult to injury, and he would still accept it, because it is through this kind of falls and rises that he is to enter into his glory!

I am too frightened of placing myself in your position and imagining the way of the Cross; the very thought of it makes me sweat. But you had warned me much in advance that unless I carry my cross and follow you, I cannot enter into the kingdom of heaven! Even after your third fall, you had the determination to rise up and continue your journey, though with much pain and agony. Often after my fall, I have no strength and energy left in me to rise up and walk further; I wish to give up hope and surrender defeat, but your demonstration of so much of will power pushes me to fix my eyes onto Calvary and keep moving! I remember your words, anyone who has put his hands on the plow and looks back is not worthy of the kingdom! How true you are!

Bracing the Bitter Pill (SS 02)

I don’t really know if the man who cured hundreds of men and women of their ailments and illnesses, ever stopped to ‘give’ during the three years of his ‘public’ life! He had told his disciples in such unequivocal punch, ‘without cost you have received; without cost you are to give’ (Mt 10:8). His hands should have been quite tired of giving – food to nourish their bodies, living waters to wash away their ailments, healing for their souls! But here is an occasion for him to stop giving and receive from the very people who flocked to him unendingly only to receive what he could offer unconditionally. Here is a reversal of roles in the life of the man who changed many a life!

It is time for the Savior to receive what the people were to offer him! This is not something that you expect to receive after the innumerable good that you have done! How ungrateful the crowds can be, and how so very wicked! Have they forgotten the many good things he had done, the transformation he had brought in their lives, social, cultural and religious spheres? Have they ever come across a person who never stopped to give himself like this man, who had no riches or wealth, no home to claim his own (remember his personal declaration : Foxes have dens and birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest his head – Mt 8:20), and yet had all the riches that the world can imagine.

He has not yet exhausted all that he could give to the world, the people who know how to suck him out of all that they can get. He is keeping something for the last moment, his own life; that is the only thing that is left in him! He is ready to receive now, the bitter pill of the Cross! But wait a minute! Is the Cross imposed on his shoulders or is he willingly embracing it? It is improbable that he is forced to take up the cross – he had been waiting for this moment, and he had known what was in store for him even before he stepped into this world! The moment of his glory is just to begin, and that would unfold through the mystery of the Cross.

You have given us enough, and now is time for you to receive from us what we have to offer to you, as a sign of our gratitude and appreciation to you! The whisper of the hundreds of men and women who stood around Pilate to see the fun was deafening to the lonely man, standing as if he was the worst criminal, and he does not hesitate even for a second to accept the Cross. But it is not that easy for me to accept what I am forced to accept, especially if what I am offered is not palatable to my taste! I want what is according to my taste; what is good for me here and now; I cannot accept any pain or suffering for the faults I had not committed. I will fight tooth and nail to refuse the ‘cross’ that I am compelled to accept. I cannot allow myself to be taken for granted.

There is a ferocious rebel in me, who always seeks what will be to my advantage, what would do good to my comforts, future, personal interest and taste; I do not care for what happens to others; that is not my concern, all that I care for is my own interest. I cannot blindly accept whatever the people around me impose on me, especially when I know for sure that I am unjustly implicated in matters and issues I am not part of. How often do I see the Cross kept at my arm’s length; if I stretch my hand, I can touch it, and yet I dare not accept it! Let it rot there, I mutter! At the secret of my heart, I giggle, how many crosses have I managed to escape all these years!

His words still ring in my ears : If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me (Lk 9:23). But how hard it is to accept the blame and punishment for the mistakes and faults I have not committed! There are hundreds of people waiting outside my room to offer crosses, and I can find hardly anyone who like the Nazarene would willingly accept the bitter pills, which will bring healing to the ailing humanity. I look at the barren cross, the symbol of shame and humiliation, whose every atom is laden with pain and suffering; the cross today beckons me accept it, if I want life, life in its fullness! The one who willingly embraced the cross is there at my side, and I stretch out my hands to embrace it today!

I know it is not that easy for me to even think that I would one day embrace the cross of suffering, of humiliation! Maybe I am not as motivated as you were, and my intentions are not as pure as yours, in order for me to accept the cross. I cannot think of accepting it willingly, and here I am to accept it because that is what you have taught me, and are inviting me to do! This is the least that I can do for all that you had given me; you had given me until it hurt you, and today accepting this cross is not going to hurt my spirit to the least! It may hurt my body, and it may also leave an indelible mark on my mind, but it cannot touch my spirit, because the power of the helplessness and powerlessness which flow from you, is my strength, my comfort!

Path of Powerlessness (SS 01)

How hard is it for me to realize that I am powerless before the world, that I cannot bend the law for my advantage, that I have to follow the millions of people who are just powerless before the mighty empires of power and influence in the world. I feel that it is even shameful for me to realize that I am powerless before the world, the mighty and powerful, and there are many who would look down upon me for being so powerless, and accept reality as it comes to me! But today as I stand before the Lord willingly and even joyously embracing the condemnation that Pilate had imposed on him, I realize the power of being powerless, power understood as a spiritual energy which can take me to a realm different from the material and physical reality!

I cannot accept the fact that sometimes I am powerless and am advised by everyone who matters to me that I should do something to make myself powerful and prove to the world that I cannot be taken for granted. The other day my elder brother’s case had come for hearing (he had been implicated in a case of fraud which the Central Board of Investigation had initiated on the firm where my brother was a partner), and the judge had given the verdict against my brother’s concern, and soon his world began to be in pieces. He could not accept the verdict – rupees five thousand fine and one year of simple imprisonment! It is not a question of if he deserved it or not, but I would like to look at how he reacted to the verdict.

The next day emails crisscrossed between the brothers; get rid of the case by hook or by crook! Even if you have to bribe the judge and spend far too much money on it, do not hesitate! That was the refrain that formed the main content of most of the emails, and my elder brother promised he would do everything possible in order to get out of the case. There were references given by my younger brother, who could help my brother come out with a clean chit. Money is not a problem if the work is well done, my brother assured the advocate handling his case. The central point is : do anything to get out of the ugly situation my brother was in.

A friend of mine who applied for a visa to visit a neighboring country was turned away, when my friend failed to carry his old passport, at the time of submitting the form. His other friends would be travelling to the neighboring country, and this friend was to accompany them. Now he had to go to with his friends by all means, and these men had all the influence they required to bend the rules, in order to get the visa the very next day. The same thing happened to a family of four, husband and wife, and two boys, whose application was also turned away because the husband did not carry his old passport. But my friend got his visa at a record time, because of the “influence” he had exerted through a higher authority of our college.

Who on earth wants to accept defeat, failure and unjust verdict? No one wants to accept a verdict which is a blatant injustice, but here stands a man who does not open his mouth to oppose an unjust verdict, a condemnation by the Roman governor Pilate and the Pharisees and scribes. Why could Jesus the Nazarene make use of his “influence” to show how powerful he was, that he was more powerful than the Romans, of the Jewish leaders, both political and religious! Why could he not plead to his Father to send his angels to show how powerful the Messiah was? This seemingly stupid godman perhaps did not know the ways of the world, he stood to his guns, to unjustly suffer an ignominious death on the cross, and he would do it willingly.

He even had the guts to defend his position, of keeping mum, of not making use of his influence to defend himself from the worldly powerful. My kingdom does not belong to this world. If my kingdom did belong to this world, my attendants would be fighting to keep me from being handed over to the Jews. But as it is, my kingdom is not here!” (Jn 18:35-36). Did he not know that he was living in the world and he must be a Roman in Rome? It is so hard to keep my mouth shut in the midst of blatant injustice done to others, and done to me, and if Jesus has the audacity to seal his lips before the mighty and powerful men and women of his time, he points me to the seed of being powerless before the world, for being powerless before the world necessarily points me to being powerful in the world beyond!

How heartening it is for me to see you standing like a pillar of stone before the deafening crowd, unjustly condemning you to death, and yet you had no word of protest, no word of rebuttal; you had the greatest ‘influence’, and yet you would not turn stones to fill your stomach! You show to me the amazing power of being powerless before the world, and this power alone is your strength even as you prepare yourself to embrace the barren cross. Next time when I am put into inconvenient situations, or deprived of my due rights and privileges, or even unjustly accused or punished, teach me not to run to the influences to save my skin, but prepare myself to keep my mouth sealed to show to the world the power of being powerless like you, my Master and Lord!

On being called an X!

I have been quite intrigued for quite some years now, how and why Christmas is called Xmas! My mathematics teacher in the school days had said that x refers to the unknown number that is yet to be known. I was quite curious to explore the reasons how this so-called abbreviation came to be. After googling my way for a while, I realise that it is a mystery, just as the birth of Jesus was a mystery. One of the Internet sites http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xmas has some explanations on the origin of the abbreviation, but that is not much convincing. The authors suggest that the word/abbreviation xmas is in vogue for the past 1000 years, whether you believe it or not. But that is immaterial whether it has been in use for long years or for a short while now, what is more important is that we have come to replace Christ with the single letter x, and if we look at this seemingly innocuous abbreviation with a magnifying glass, we may find amazing and bright images, which say about the nature of this divine person, who had come into the world and pitched his tent.

I had already begun one aspect, which although intriguing, is also interesting. Jesus was and is still today a mystery, the so called x, we use in algebra. We cannot find the value of x, without the help of other components, which make the whole. Without the value of x, the sum total remains incomplete and inaccessible! The unknown and the yet-to-be-known keeps us on our toes to unravel the mystery number. There is a lot of hope in us, even the students who cannot make out, hope to find the number out. There is a certain amount of thrill in the discovery too! Now, to a person who is a seeker of truth, the x (implying here Christ) makes all the meaning. We also know that the x cannot remain all the time the unknown, it has to be revealed, and that responsibility is with us. It may be interesting if the x were to jump out of our hats and give a self-manifestation, but the joy in discovering the unknown is far more than the former.

The letter x is also used widely and universally to denote the wrong and the unusable. When I show my sum to the teacher and if she puts a x (significantly we call it a cross), i know I was not right. Unfortunately we have not devised anything that is between a tick mark and the cross. Therefore when we see the sign x, we know that we are in the wrong track. In fact the mystery of the incarnation of Christ is the height of stupidity; God unnecessarily volunteers to dirty his hands. S/he is in the wrong place; maybe a different planet with different kind of creatues might have responded differently. Whose mistake is it anyway? Ours or God's? Of course, it is God's. Why did he leave the heavens and come to be born in a manger? Is it not foolishness?

We use the same x to denote not fit or unsuited. When we see the cross mark on the letter P, we know that no parking is permitted. If we continue with the allegory, we realise that x takes possession of the p, and does not permit anyone else to trespass. When we mark a bottle of medicine with an x, it implies that it is not for use; the medicine consumes as it were, its own content, so that others may not have to bear the consequences. Does it not happen in the same way in the birth of Jesus? At the gateway to earth, Jesus places an x to ward off the other forces that may try to enter in to cause conflict and division. But when men go out to meet and befriend the enemy, the x permits them. Now tell me, is the x given to Christ an abomination? In fact, the single letter x summarises the nature and mission of Christ so succinctly than any other letter of the alphabet can. Even the greek first and last letters alpha and omega cannot compete with the benign x!

There is a bit of x in all of us, irrespective of our religious affiliations, caste, creed, nationality and langugage. There are two areas that keep shifting to and fro : the known part of myself and the unknown area. Johari window has been opening up new vistas for us to recognise and improve on. There is an area in each of our lives, which is a mystery to ourselves and others, and until we discover these hidden treasures, we may be submerged in our own misery. I would like to sit quietly for two minutes, and delve deep into my inner recesses, to find the areas still kept hidden from the view of myself and the world outside. It may not be possible that I unravel these areas in a day, but I can make an effort to slowly open the sheaths and find out who I truly am; if I realise that I am a child of God, worthy of love and care, that can make a lot of difference in the world. Is it not time, therefore that I too affix the letter x before my name?