On several significant moments of life, I have realized that I have been let down by an arch enemy, who has been following me wherever I went, whatever I did: myself, my inner self, my conscience, my mind, or my spirit! I may have a dozen names to describe how frightened I am to myself. I am not afraid of anyone on earth as I dread my inner self. It is paradoxical and even ironical to realize that I am afraid of myself, the one I know like the back of my palm! It really sounds ridiculous, but that is the fact! I cannot trust myself, I cannot believe in self, and I cannot predict how I would respond to a particular situation! I am so very unpredictable that I am frightened of myself!
But what am I afraid of, and why should I? The answers for these two questions are not as simple as the questions may sound! I may liken my innerself to a most sophisticated database, which processes every proposal I make in the light of the past experiences, correlates to them, and provides me an alternative that I should choose. Invariably the self would not permit me to choose something that is not in the database, but only that has been earlier registered. In that case, if I venture to choose something new, the mind puts a sense of fear, and later this is converted to guilt, leading to half a dozen ill-feelings which prematurely kill life spirit in me!
The fact is, before I begin to be frightened of others, however powerful they be, I am frightened of myself, and it would require far more courageous and energetic affirmation to convince one's inner self and come out to face reality! The enemy outside of me is not as horrendous and fearsome as the one inside of me. But is not there a way to free myself from the fears which may paralyse me for eternity, and face life as it comes to me? Of course there is a simple way, if we are prepared to give a try! Dissociate oneself from the chains of the past, and one is free from the fears which had kept oneself under control for years.
But why should our inner selves take refuge in the past experiences, be they positive or negative? The answer is rather simple: the self has to have certain anchor points, where it can place itself, when there are external attacks, and most often the past experiences provide such anchor points; these are so-called secure, safe-zones, but one may forget that in the long run these anchor points may become our chains. Dissociating oneself from the past experiences may not be as simple; but one may surely try to become conscious of what the past experiences could do to one's present.
Anyone who is frightened of one's inner self is sure to end up with defeat, because even the worst coward can defeat the most ferocious hero who has been defeated by own's own inner self. At the same time, even the best of external enemies cannot defeat the one who has freed himself/herself from the clutches of the inner self. Is it hard to dissociate ourselves from our past? It should not be, because unless we dissociate ourselves from the past, we cannot authentically live the present; anyone who has not left behind the baggage of the past, cannot taste freedom, happiness and peace.
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