It is not easy to own up my mistakes, weaknesses and failures! Even when I want to acknowledge before others that I was wrong, there is the inner self, which threatens me with dire consequences. I am afraid of what others would think if I begin to stand before them as a weak person; how others would rate me after they know that I myself have accepted my failures. In a world that lays so much of importance to self-assertion and confidence, will I not be looked upon as a failure? I can hear some of my friends whispering, he does not have the guts to refute the allegations that people level on him, and he thinks he is an “innocent lamb” ready to be slaughtered! But there is a different kind of existence after I begin to take responsibility for my actions.
Initially it was frightening to acknowledge that I was wrong; all along in life, I had been taught to pass the bug on to someone else, and we will always be lucky to get some scapegoats. To acknowledge my weaknesses and failures has been considered a virtue, but was deemed sign of cowardice. As I struggle to rephrase all my self-expressions with this preface – I FEEL…, I experience a different kind of freedom and liberation, which I had not felt before. It is not a heroic thing to own up myself as I am, but it has taken me quite some years to do this. This however does not mean I own up others mistakes and failures too as my own; no, I would not do that. I am prepared to own up only my part of the responsibility.
I have felt the need to break the magnifying glasses I had been using all these years to look at what others are and what they had been doing to me, magnifying them several times, until I found myself subsumed by the gravity of the mistake and failure of others. Even as I stand to joyfully own up my own mistakes, I am not going to give a clean chit to others who deliberately try to play with me, or attempt to take me for granted, or malign my name for no reason. Their action is sure to affect me, but I would like to make my skin a little thicker so that their deliberate action does not affect me directly, and I know that there will come a time when they would have to regret for what they do today.
I am not sure how much I would be able to carry this forward, in acknowledging myself as I am; there may be times when I might give in to finding justifications, rationalizations and passing the blame on to others, especially if they come from persons who are not above or equal to me. I find it hard to accept things easily from persons who are inferior to me in terms of social status, education, knowledge acquisition, to name a few. It may take a few more years for me to really own up myself, even with people who do not directly matter to me. Then perhaps I may be able to accept even the criticism of strangers and outsiders.
Today I take a good look at myself on the mirror; while I know I am not an altogether a saint, I would like to tell myself that I am not a hardcore criminal either. Perhaps some of my failures and wrong doings might merit a punishment which could be quite harsh, but I know there are still areas I need to look into; it is possible that I have not fully broken the magnifying glass, but had kept it safe to look at myself, and I only hope I would not enlarge my natural inclinations and temperaments to such an extent, I might realize I am beyond all redemption. I believe in the basic goodness that has been showered upon every human person, and that ultimately is our saving grace!
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