Will to Live

The end came too suddenly, and no one was prepared for it. When I received a telephone call from the college, least did I think that the caller would shock me with just a four word sentence : He is no more! For a moment I could not say anything, I could not get anything, as to what to say. I had a personal chat with him just three days earlier, and now I am told he is no more! What could have happened, I wondered, even as I took a few moments to gather myself to handle the situation? I had to go to the college to see the man, who was alive just a few minutes ago, but now lies dead on the bed, and have to wait for our house physician to certify that he is dead. Even as I rushed to the college, my heart and mind said that something had gone wrong somewhere, and we have lost him.

Fifty seven is not the age to say goodbye to this beautiful world, and what is worse this man did not want to leave this world so soon, and he had a great desire to resume normal life again, but we had not given him a chance. There was a blame-game even as he lay dead, just an hour after his departure, that he should have been careful when his liver functioning was becoming strenuous, that he could not blame anyone for the situation he was in. I made a few frantic attempts to tell the senior man that it was not the time to blame the man who now cannot get up to defend himself. I would not say that this young man could fully justify himself for the way he handled his health some years ago, which led to the destruction of both his kidneys, but his past was something that could not be undone… Unfortunately in life very seldom do we have the option of UNDO, as in any Windows based programs.

The tears that I had witnessed welling up from his eyes just three days ago were haunting me to say that our negligence was also responsible for this sudden departure of this man. I feel sad for him because he might not have guessed that he was going to leave the world so soon. There was no sign that he was getting mentally prepared for the end, which was beckoning him. Even as he interacted and complained to all those who mattered about how his situation could be salvaged, one thing was certain, he was slowly giving up the will to live. This was quite obvious from his conversation with me. He had zest for life, and he would do anything to retain life, even if that means walking out of the way of life he had voluntarily chosen some thirty five years ago.

When he told me three days earlier as I went for a meeting with two other friends of mine, that he wanted to have a chat with me, I had told him that I would meet him after our meeting. And when I returned from our meeting, he led me to his room, and opened up his bruised heart to me. The barometer of his will to live was already sinking to the dangerous level, and I could only guess that he holds himself strongly and boost this energy. As I walked out of his room that day, I only told him not to lose hope, and was not sure though if I sounded convincing enough. If his will to live had sunk so low, I feel that we were responsible for it, and there is hardly anyway how we could undo it. We have lost one of ours, who did not deserve to leave so soon.

Even as he struggled with the impending death, and the inevitable, there were some who were trying to support him, giving him the much needed boost to stay alive. Reality did not match with the sweet words of the people who were responsible for taking his case forward, and that was painful for him. At his sudden demise, these people were heart-broken, and did all they could in order to give him a beautiful farewell. People were generous to give their time and energy to take him gently to rest with the embalmers, and prepare the place for a memorable funeral service. I only wish he does not smile and whisper in my ears, I only wished you people paid this much attention when I was struggling with life during the last few months! Fare thee well, my Brother!

Salvaging the Self-Image

It is not easy to own up my mistakes, weaknesses and failures! Even when I want to acknowledge before others that I was wrong, there is the inner self, which threatens me with dire consequences. I am afraid of what others would think if I begin to stand before them as a weak person; how others would rate me after they know that I myself have accepted my failures. In a world that lays so much of importance to self-assertion and confidence, will I not be looked upon as a failure? I can hear some of my friends whispering, he does not have the guts to refute the allegations that people level on him, and he thinks he is an “innocent lamb” ready to be slaughtered! But there is a different kind of existence after I begin to take responsibility for my actions.

Initially it was frightening to acknowledge that I was wrong; all along in life, I had been taught to pass the bug on to someone else, and we will always be lucky to get some scapegoats. To acknowledge my weaknesses and failures has been considered a virtue, but was deemed sign of cowardice. As I struggle to rephrase all my self-expressions with this preface – I FEEL…, I experience a different kind of freedom and liberation, which I had not felt before. It is not a heroic thing to own up myself as I am, but it has taken me quite some years to do this. This however does not mean I own up others mistakes and failures too as my own; no, I would not do that. I am prepared to own up only my part of the responsibility.

I have felt the need to break the magnifying glasses I had been using all these years to look at what others are and what they had been doing to me, magnifying them several times, until I found myself subsumed by the gravity of the mistake and failure of others. Even as I stand to joyfully own up my own mistakes, I am not going to give a clean chit to others who deliberately try to play with me, or attempt to take me for granted, or malign my name for no reason. Their action is sure to affect me, but I would like to make my skin a little thicker so that their deliberate action does not affect me directly, and I know that there will come a time when they would have to regret for what they do today.

I am not sure how much I would be able to carry this forward, in acknowledging myself as I am; there may be times when I might give in to finding justifications, rationalizations and passing the blame on to others, especially if they come from persons who are not above or equal to me. I find it hard to accept things easily from persons who are inferior to me in terms of social status, education, knowledge acquisition, to name a few. It may take a few more years for me to really own up myself, even with people who do not directly matter to me. Then perhaps I may be able to accept even the criticism of strangers and outsiders.

Today I take a good look at myself on the mirror; while I know I am not an altogether a saint, I would like to tell myself that I am not a hardcore criminal either. Perhaps some of my failures and wrong doings might merit a punishment which could be quite harsh, but I know there are still areas I need to look into; it is possible that I have not fully broken the magnifying glass, but had kept it safe to look at myself, and I only hope I would not enlarge my natural inclinations and temperaments to such an extent, I might realize I am beyond all redemption. I believe in the basic goodness that has been showered upon every human person, and that ultimately is our saving grace!