Why me, Lord?

One of my favorite songs of the yesteryears, was Why me, Lord! I remember listening to this song some 25 years ago, and the lyrics of the song still stir my heart. This song presents the popular sentiments of all people of all times, namely why should people suffer for no fault of their own. Yesterday as I was talking to a senior Sister, who had a fall and had to be transferred to another place, partially terminating her new assignment just half way through. I had been nursing positive hopes about what I could do, and all of a sudden my fall had changed all my hopes. What have I done to deserve this punishment, she asked me. I did not find adequate words to console her, and I remember three years ago, when I received the sudden heart attack of my brother in law and the immediate death, I did not know how to console my sister.

On many occasions we look up to God and raise the same question – why me? Of all the people on the face of the earth, why should I be subjected to such a harsh punishment? Could the Lord not have averted this thing happening to me? The Shack tried to delve deep into the mystery of this question, as did Job in the Old Testament. I know one thing for sure, this is a question that no human mind can adequately answer, and that is why human suffering and death are the riddles which cannot be conceived by the human mind. These are the realities that seal us with the imprint of humanness, and yet we yearn for an answer; we all want to know why bad things happen to good people. Human mind which has unraveled so many mysteries of the universe is unable to find an answer to this simple question, and it continues to baffle generations.

We are used to thinking only about ourselves, our own worries and troubles, and cannot think of anything beyond them. We think that only we carry insurmountable burden, while all others are enjoying their lives. This is because we do not easily disclose to others the mental pain and agony that we go through in life; we keep them locked up within our closets, or like to push them under the carpet. We all like to suffer silently, and that is the reason why each one thinks he or she is the only sufferer in the whole world; if only look carefully how each one is laden with heavy burdens, then we might think that ours is a much easier load than others. In fact every other person on earth is carrying much more burden than we do, and this could be a matter of consolation that we have been spared from such an insurmountable load.

It is impossible for us to imagine the greater plan that God may have for us, within which these painful moments, agonizing turn of events and unexpected change of our life expectations fall. Who can discern God’s way; it would be impossible for us to decipher the reason why things happen to us the way they do; if only we are able to find answer to all our questions, then the world would be quite different, and this time not necessarily for better. Thank God we are not able to understand why certain things happen to us; in most cases, we might thank God for making certain painful moments come our way, because these moments might have done more good to us than pain. However we could say this only on hind sight and it is impossible for us to recognize what the Lord has in store for us, when they do take place.

I cannot think of anyone who is spared of bad things in life; even the most virtuous and pious of men and women also had their own share of pain and suffering, sometimes these had more than their due share. This is because they had the mental stamina and spiritual vitality to bear all pain and suffering. In many cases, these men and women were subjected to more painful mental agony and torture, which tried to drain them out of the spiritual energy they had been relying on. All of us have our share of pain and suffering, and once we begin to see that it is only through the path of these painful moments that we could really enter into a state of sheer bliss. There is no shortcut to happiness and unending joy; we need to go through the path of pain and suffering in order to enjoy and relish what is in store for us. The wait might be worth it all.

Salvaging the Self-Image

It is not easy to own up my mistakes, weaknesses and failures! Even when I want to acknowledge before others that I was wrong, there is the inner self, which threatens me with dire consequences. I am afraid of what others would think if I begin to stand before them as a weak person; how others would rate me after they know that I myself have accepted my failures. In a world that lays so much of importance to self-assertion and confidence, will I not be looked upon as a failure? I can hear some of my friends whispering, he does not have the guts to refute the allegations that people level on him, and he thinks he is an “innocent lamb” ready to be slaughtered! But there is a different kind of existence after I begin to take responsibility for my actions.

Initially it was frightening to acknowledge that I was wrong; all along in life, I had been taught to pass the bug on to someone else, and we will always be lucky to get some scapegoats. To acknowledge my weaknesses and failures has been considered a virtue, but was deemed sign of cowardice. As I struggle to rephrase all my self-expressions with this preface – I FEEL…, I experience a different kind of freedom and liberation, which I had not felt before. It is not a heroic thing to own up myself as I am, but it has taken me quite some years to do this. This however does not mean I own up others mistakes and failures too as my own; no, I would not do that. I am prepared to own up only my part of the responsibility.

I have felt the need to break the magnifying glasses I had been using all these years to look at what others are and what they had been doing to me, magnifying them several times, until I found myself subsumed by the gravity of the mistake and failure of others. Even as I stand to joyfully own up my own mistakes, I am not going to give a clean chit to others who deliberately try to play with me, or attempt to take me for granted, or malign my name for no reason. Their action is sure to affect me, but I would like to make my skin a little thicker so that their deliberate action does not affect me directly, and I know that there will come a time when they would have to regret for what they do today.

I am not sure how much I would be able to carry this forward, in acknowledging myself as I am; there may be times when I might give in to finding justifications, rationalizations and passing the blame on to others, especially if they come from persons who are not above or equal to me. I find it hard to accept things easily from persons who are inferior to me in terms of social status, education, knowledge acquisition, to name a few. It may take a few more years for me to really own up myself, even with people who do not directly matter to me. Then perhaps I may be able to accept even the criticism of strangers and outsiders.

Today I take a good look at myself on the mirror; while I know I am not an altogether a saint, I would like to tell myself that I am not a hardcore criminal either. Perhaps some of my failures and wrong doings might merit a punishment which could be quite harsh, but I know there are still areas I need to look into; it is possible that I have not fully broken the magnifying glass, but had kept it safe to look at myself, and I only hope I would not enlarge my natural inclinations and temperaments to such an extent, I might realize I am beyond all redemption. I believe in the basic goodness that has been showered upon every human person, and that ultimately is our saving grace!