Ignatian Insights 1 : Attachments

It was a beautiful realization to think that the most precious things in life are hard-earned; I can think of the most precious things in life, be it things or persons or even notions, and each one of them would tell a fascinating story. The paradox is that these hard-earned things and persons are so dear to us that parting with them becomes an ordeal, and invariably at several moments in life we are called to “sacrifice” them for a greater good, even if that is only in the level of concept and notion, and not a reality altogether. Sometimes our hands and feet are tied, and we are left with no other option than give them up, and it is painful to let them go.

Another sweet-n-sour realization is that there is further joy in letting something I had kept close to my heart for years to go; the initial pain would linger in my heart for quite a while, and it may take away my sleep, but I know at the end I had the generosity to let this thing go, or let this person walk out of my life freely. One of the greatest maladies of this age is excessive attachment to things and persons, and that causes much of the misery, pain and suffering. Those who are able to give up hard-earned things and persons, enjoy greater peace and happiness in life, and I have seen this in the life of some of the people I had lived with.

Ignatius of Loyola was not only a great spiritual master, who taught us the language of learning about the heart, but also taught us some of the most wonderful psychological insights which had taken several centuries to really form and become theories. He was quite clear when he held that we cannot arrive at an impartial decision, unless we begin clearing ourselves from all forms of inordinate attachments. For those who are tied to attachments and yet wish to move forward, Ignatius has given them a way of getting out of this web : agere contra (to act against) is one way, to desire and pray for the contrary to what I am attached to.

We can hardly think of attachment as something which can have negative effect on us; we take it for granted that our “security” is in having people close to us, things which can give us the kind of pleasure that we see. It might take us some guts to realize that the very things and persons we think as giving us security may become obstacles in realizing the “freedom” of God’s children. It is wrong to think that all things and persons we are attached to may prevent us from realizing our inner freedom to move with the Spirit, where she wills, but the word we need to underline is “inordinate” or “disorderly”, which can stifle our freedom and spontaneity.

But is it ever possible to live a life without being attached to things, persons and ideas? Humanly speaking it is impossible; but we need not worry about all kinds of attachments; there are attachments which may free us to greater things. For instance attachment to certain values can take us a long way in being witness to the Kingdom; but when these attachments become obsessions, we may be treading on a tight rope, and the danger of falling from grace is more. The best way to check our attachments is this : If I am able to give it up without feeling bad or sad, then I am safe; the attachments which bind me and delimit my freedom, may cause more harm to me than good.

Exterminating Extreme Exclusivists

I am frightened of relating to persons who are overly possessive, persons who wish to possess me exclusively. I see a danger in relating to this kind of people, because they would expect me to sell my personal freedom and liberty to them, and wish me to be tied down to them, and do their bidding. Such persons invariably would wish me to do whatever they want me to do, and as soon as refuse to do, or ignore their pleas, or do what I would very much wish to do, then their entire world crumbles, and they may find it hard to accept that the other party has "ditched" them.

History has shown that all the people who were overly attached to their partners, very soon ended up separate; that is the law of life. The Latin proverb sums it all : corruption optima pessima (any good in excess is bad). Attachment is good, and it is a sign of commitment and endurance, but when it goes beyond all limits, it becomes sour. We can take examples for this from nature. What happens when sugar water is kept for long; it becomes sour, and so are relationships. What may be of great help is to keep safe distance (on the road we are reminded by every other vehicle to keep the distance).

Overly possessive persons are preoccupied with guarding their partners, lest they should seek greener pastures; and if ever the partner were to find a better company and partner, and give signs of terminating the relationship, then the possessive partner would go all extent to exterminate the enemy, and reclaim his partner for him/herself. But that is not going to take place in a peaceful atmosphere; there may be bloodshed, if it is required, and any amount of crime and justification may be called in, to show that they were made for each other, and they cannot be separated for whatever reason!

One of my friends, who was so attached to me, and loved me so much that she could not think of getting married to another person. Whenever I started the topic that she should be settled in life, so that her mother would be able to concentrate on brining up her younger sister and brother; but she would not listen to me. But how can I ever think of another person in my life? This used to be her regular answer! To make the long story short, today she is happily married with two children (and she had managed to be absolutely cut off contacting me for the past 13 years)! When the extreme exclusivist shell breaks, the persons begin to see reality as it is, and not as they imagined it to be. It may occur through a shocking experience, or a sudden jerk in life, or even an accident.

In any growing relationship (and I believe all relationship are bound to either come to a standstill or continue to grow), it is absolutely necessary for the partners to pause at every stage and look at where they are heading. Any vehicle that goes at full speed is heading for trouble; sometimes it is necessary to put the brake and make sure that they are alright, so that when there is a need, you don’t realize that the brakes have worn out. This occasional brakes (either through exercising small doses of ‘self-control’ or through abstinence) may make the relationship enduring, instead of leading it to crash after an excited drive. Ultimately this enduring relationship may benefit both the partners, helping them to find greater joy and peace in being ‘related’!