Freedom to be

For the last few days, I had been asking myself : What do I seek in a relationship, and value the most? No, it is not the cozy feeling that I am safe and secure in the loving embrace of a friend, who would stand by me in thick and thin, nor the comfortable feeling that when I am down my friend will cheer me up and boost my morale, nor give himself or herself completely in order to reach the goal I had set for myself. All these things are there in a relationship, but I feel deep down what I seek in a relationship is the freedom to be myself, knowing absolutely sure that I would not be intimidated, I would not be rejected for being what I am, or even pooh-poohed because I do not come up to the expectations of the person I am relating to.

It is not that I have been experiencing a smooth sail in all instances of initiating, establishing and going through relationships with different persons down the years; some relationships caught me unawares, because they grew out naturally and spontaneously; there were no exertions, or unnecessary coaxing from either party to make it work. Such were the relationships I knew were going to last longer than the initial euphoria that many of the relationships pose. Sometimes even deeper relationships became bitter, when the sugar-coating was gone, and when we began to step into raw selves, and it was hard for both to come to terms with each other, and make a sincere effort to accept the other as s/he was.

There is a hidden fear in me to be what I am in the company of people who may not wish me to be what I truly am. Often I am expected to dress myself according to the moral code set by the society, according to the high expectations that many in my company have on me, and so ultimately I end up being something or someone other than what I am, and that is a painful experience. I am aware that there are grey areas in me, which the people living around me, and sometimes the people who love and care for me, do not wish to see. The social and cultural taboos cannot be exhibited in public, and there is the child in me who cries out to see the light of day; it may be quite different from what my friends may wish, but that is me, my true self.

I remember occasions when a close friend of mine was shocked to get a glimpse of my true self; oh no! she exclaimed, and at that moment I know this is not what my friend was looking for from me. Just like a turtle which pulls in its head under its hard shell, I have to keep my head under the shell, so that no one can harm me; or if I keep popping up my head outside, I may not know when one or other person would deliberately or inadvertently stamp on me. There were times I had scandalized my friends, because I was trying to be my true self; sometimes my friends advised me to “behave” myself, because I carried an identity which did not permit me to indulge in certain kinds of behavior.

I am getting used to in shocking and scandalizing people by presenting myself as authentically as I am, and sometimes it is too much for my friends to accept, and they may decide to bid goodbye forever, and I may not deliberately wish to hold them back. I do not say that my true friends should accept all the stupid and idiotic things I do, but they are not shocked when I behave in that manner, and make an effort to slowly make me understand the other layers of my actions, which may pain and agonize them. That is the responsibility I look forward to from my friends, to grant me the freedom to be myself, and slowly open the gates of the hidden self and help me embrace it willingly and joyfully!

Freedom to be

For the last few days, I had been asking myself : What do I seek in a relationship, and value the most? No, it is not the cozy feeling that I am safe and secure in the loving embrace of a friend, who would stand by me in thick and thin, nor the comfortable feeling that when I am down my friend will cheer me up and boost my morale, nor give himself or herself completely in order to reach the goal I had set for myself. All these things are there in a relationship, but I feel deep down what I seek in a relationship is the freedom to be myself, knowing absolutely sure that I would not be intimidated, I would not be rejected for being what I am, or even pooh-poohed because I do not come up to the expectations of the person I am relating to.

It is not that I have been experiencing a smooth sail in all instances of initiating, establishing and going through relationships with different persons down the years; some relationships caught me unawares, because they grew out naturally and spontaneously; there were no exertions, or unnecessary coaxing from either party to make it work. Such were the relationships I knew were going to last longer than the initial euphoria that many of the relationships pose. Sometimes even deeper relationships became bitter, when the sugar-coating was gone, and when we began to step into raw selves, and it was hard for both to come to terms with each other, and make a sincere effort to accept the other as s/he was.

There is a hidden fear in me to be what I am in the company of people who may not wish me to be what I truly am. Often I am expected to dress myself according to the moral code set by the society, according to the high expectations that many in my company have on me, and so ultimately I end up being something or someone other than what I am, and that is a painful experience. I am aware that there are grey areas in me, which the people living around me, and sometimes the people who love and care for me, do not wish to see. The social and cultural taboos cannot be exhibited in public, and there is the child in me who cries out to see the light of day; it may be quite different from what my friends may wish, but that is me, my true self.

I remember occasions when a close friend of mine was shocked to get a glimpse of my true self; oh no! she exclaimed, and at that moment I know this is not what my friend was looking for from me. Just like a turtle which pulls in its head under its hard shell, I have to keep my head under the shell, so that no one can harm me; or if I keep popping up my head outside, I may not know when one or other person would deliberately or inadvertently stamp on me. There were times I had scandalized my friends, because I was trying to be my true self; sometimes my friends advised me to “behave” myself, because I carried an identity which did not permit me to indulge in certain kinds of behavior.

I am getting used to in shocking and scandalizing people by presenting myself as authentically as I am, and sometimes it is too much for my friends to accept, and they may decide to bid goodbye forever, and I may not deliberately wish to hold them back. I do not say that my true friends should accept all the stupid and idiotic things I do, but they are not shocked when I behave in that manner, and make an effort to slowly make me understand the other layers of my actions, which may pain and agonize them. That is the responsibility I look forward to from my friends, to grant me the freedom to be myself, and slowly open the gates of the hidden self and help me embrace it willingly and joyfully!

Exterminating Extreme Exclusivists

I am frightened of relating to persons who are overly possessive, persons who wish to possess me exclusively. I see a danger in relating to this kind of people, because they would expect me to sell my personal freedom and liberty to them, and wish me to be tied down to them, and do their bidding. Such persons invariably would wish me to do whatever they want me to do, and as soon as refuse to do, or ignore their pleas, or do what I would very much wish to do, then their entire world crumbles, and they may find it hard to accept that the other party has "ditched" them.

History has shown that all the people who were overly attached to their partners, very soon ended up separate; that is the law of life. The Latin proverb sums it all : corruption optima pessima (any good in excess is bad). Attachment is good, and it is a sign of commitment and endurance, but when it goes beyond all limits, it becomes sour. We can take examples for this from nature. What happens when sugar water is kept for long; it becomes sour, and so are relationships. What may be of great help is to keep safe distance (on the road we are reminded by every other vehicle to keep the distance).

Overly possessive persons are preoccupied with guarding their partners, lest they should seek greener pastures; and if ever the partner were to find a better company and partner, and give signs of terminating the relationship, then the possessive partner would go all extent to exterminate the enemy, and reclaim his partner for him/herself. But that is not going to take place in a peaceful atmosphere; there may be bloodshed, if it is required, and any amount of crime and justification may be called in, to show that they were made for each other, and they cannot be separated for whatever reason!

One of my friends, who was so attached to me, and loved me so much that she could not think of getting married to another person. Whenever I started the topic that she should be settled in life, so that her mother would be able to concentrate on brining up her younger sister and brother; but she would not listen to me. But how can I ever think of another person in my life? This used to be her regular answer! To make the long story short, today she is happily married with two children (and she had managed to be absolutely cut off contacting me for the past 13 years)! When the extreme exclusivist shell breaks, the persons begin to see reality as it is, and not as they imagined it to be. It may occur through a shocking experience, or a sudden jerk in life, or even an accident.

In any growing relationship (and I believe all relationship are bound to either come to a standstill or continue to grow), it is absolutely necessary for the partners to pause at every stage and look at where they are heading. Any vehicle that goes at full speed is heading for trouble; sometimes it is necessary to put the brake and make sure that they are alright, so that when there is a need, you don’t realize that the brakes have worn out. This occasional brakes (either through exercising small doses of ‘self-control’ or through abstinence) may make the relationship enduring, instead of leading it to crash after an excited drive. Ultimately this enduring relationship may benefit both the partners, helping them to find greater joy and peace in being ‘related’!