Ignatian Insights 1 : Attachments

It was a beautiful realization to think that the most precious things in life are hard-earned; I can think of the most precious things in life, be it things or persons or even notions, and each one of them would tell a fascinating story. The paradox is that these hard-earned things and persons are so dear to us that parting with them becomes an ordeal, and invariably at several moments in life we are called to “sacrifice” them for a greater good, even if that is only in the level of concept and notion, and not a reality altogether. Sometimes our hands and feet are tied, and we are left with no other option than give them up, and it is painful to let them go.

Another sweet-n-sour realization is that there is further joy in letting something I had kept close to my heart for years to go; the initial pain would linger in my heart for quite a while, and it may take away my sleep, but I know at the end I had the generosity to let this thing go, or let this person walk out of my life freely. One of the greatest maladies of this age is excessive attachment to things and persons, and that causes much of the misery, pain and suffering. Those who are able to give up hard-earned things and persons, enjoy greater peace and happiness in life, and I have seen this in the life of some of the people I had lived with.

Ignatius of Loyola was not only a great spiritual master, who taught us the language of learning about the heart, but also taught us some of the most wonderful psychological insights which had taken several centuries to really form and become theories. He was quite clear when he held that we cannot arrive at an impartial decision, unless we begin clearing ourselves from all forms of inordinate attachments. For those who are tied to attachments and yet wish to move forward, Ignatius has given them a way of getting out of this web : agere contra (to act against) is one way, to desire and pray for the contrary to what I am attached to.

We can hardly think of attachment as something which can have negative effect on us; we take it for granted that our “security” is in having people close to us, things which can give us the kind of pleasure that we see. It might take us some guts to realize that the very things and persons we think as giving us security may become obstacles in realizing the “freedom” of God’s children. It is wrong to think that all things and persons we are attached to may prevent us from realizing our inner freedom to move with the Spirit, where she wills, but the word we need to underline is “inordinate” or “disorderly”, which can stifle our freedom and spontaneity.

But is it ever possible to live a life without being attached to things, persons and ideas? Humanly speaking it is impossible; but we need not worry about all kinds of attachments; there are attachments which may free us to greater things. For instance attachment to certain values can take us a long way in being witness to the Kingdom; but when these attachments become obsessions, we may be treading on a tight rope, and the danger of falling from grace is more. The best way to check our attachments is this : If I am able to give it up without feeling bad or sad, then I am safe; the attachments which bind me and delimit my freedom, may cause more harm to me than good.

Freedom to be

For the last few days, I had been asking myself : What do I seek in a relationship, and value the most? No, it is not the cozy feeling that I am safe and secure in the loving embrace of a friend, who would stand by me in thick and thin, nor the comfortable feeling that when I am down my friend will cheer me up and boost my morale, nor give himself or herself completely in order to reach the goal I had set for myself. All these things are there in a relationship, but I feel deep down what I seek in a relationship is the freedom to be myself, knowing absolutely sure that I would not be intimidated, I would not be rejected for being what I am, or even pooh-poohed because I do not come up to the expectations of the person I am relating to.

It is not that I have been experiencing a smooth sail in all instances of initiating, establishing and going through relationships with different persons down the years; some relationships caught me unawares, because they grew out naturally and spontaneously; there were no exertions, or unnecessary coaxing from either party to make it work. Such were the relationships I knew were going to last longer than the initial euphoria that many of the relationships pose. Sometimes even deeper relationships became bitter, when the sugar-coating was gone, and when we began to step into raw selves, and it was hard for both to come to terms with each other, and make a sincere effort to accept the other as s/he was.

There is a hidden fear in me to be what I am in the company of people who may not wish me to be what I truly am. Often I am expected to dress myself according to the moral code set by the society, according to the high expectations that many in my company have on me, and so ultimately I end up being something or someone other than what I am, and that is a painful experience. I am aware that there are grey areas in me, which the people living around me, and sometimes the people who love and care for me, do not wish to see. The social and cultural taboos cannot be exhibited in public, and there is the child in me who cries out to see the light of day; it may be quite different from what my friends may wish, but that is me, my true self.

I remember occasions when a close friend of mine was shocked to get a glimpse of my true self; oh no! she exclaimed, and at that moment I know this is not what my friend was looking for from me. Just like a turtle which pulls in its head under its hard shell, I have to keep my head under the shell, so that no one can harm me; or if I keep popping up my head outside, I may not know when one or other person would deliberately or inadvertently stamp on me. There were times I had scandalized my friends, because I was trying to be my true self; sometimes my friends advised me to “behave” myself, because I carried an identity which did not permit me to indulge in certain kinds of behavior.

I am getting used to in shocking and scandalizing people by presenting myself as authentically as I am, and sometimes it is too much for my friends to accept, and they may decide to bid goodbye forever, and I may not deliberately wish to hold them back. I do not say that my true friends should accept all the stupid and idiotic things I do, but they are not shocked when I behave in that manner, and make an effort to slowly make me understand the other layers of my actions, which may pain and agonize them. That is the responsibility I look forward to from my friends, to grant me the freedom to be myself, and slowly open the gates of the hidden self and help me embrace it willingly and joyfully!

Why I love you…

The human beings seem to have a reason for everything they do; there is hardly anything that is done by an adult which cannot be easily explained. Most often the children, say below the age of five, do things spontaneously, and if you were to ask them they might say because his/her mother did so, or the father did so. In some other cases, s/he may just shrug, meaning there is no reason. That is the stage of spontaneity; the leaves of a tree will bend towards the direction of the wind, and that is very natural and spontaneous. But if we were to ask a tree why it is bending towards the direction of the wind, it might just shrug.

Reasoning is considered as the sixth sense, which is so very unique to the human beings; but have the animals failed to live a happy and contended life without the sense of reason? They are jolly well happy without the sense of reason, and then why should the human beings be so very obsessed with reason, and in all the fields seek satisfactory reasons for their actions and reactions? If one were to watch some of the programs telecast in the Animal Planet television channel, one would realize that the animals have a sense which is not very common with the human beings : the sense of intuition. The birds of the air know how to protect their eggs from the prying eyes of eagles; the reptiles know how to take care of their young and initiate them to adulthood.

If our lives are often crippled and out of shape, it is because we are overly obsessed with reasons. If there is anything that we do, for which we do not have adequate and satisfactory answer, then we find it hard to do it. We have some major crimes committed, for which the culprits had no reason, and they claim that they did not do the crime consciously. Crimes such as rape, murder, arson are often committed when persons are unaware of their own situation. But in that case, can we take them as criminals, though objectively speaking they had committed the act? For me, it looks there is yet another level of consciousness, where we may find an answer to these kind of questions.

Some of the most profound actions of human persons cannot be explained reasonably. Any attempt to reason them out and explain them in human language may end up in disaster. For instance, why does a mother loves her child, or why should a father give his blood in order to save his son, and in the process give up his life? What makes some people to lay down their lives at the interest of the wider society or humanity? Or why do I love a person wholeheartedly, knowing well that our love may remain to a large extent going beyond time and space? If I begin to explain why I love a person, then I should know that it is not love that I have for that person, for true love cannot be reasoned out or explained. It takes me and the person I love to an altogether different realm, where reason are absurd and obsolete!

True love goes beyond all calculations and measurements; that is why love is often considered an absurdity, and the popular notion that love is blind is a reality! When two persons are in love with each other, they go beyond all reason and season. Recently I heard about the marriage between a beautiful young girl and a polio-affected young man, who had become a cripple. The young woman was determined to marry only this young, much against the wish of her friends and relatives. Such is the absurdity of love, and we know that it is this absurdity which gives meaning and significance to the lives of millions of men and women in this world.