Fatal Obsession

The young man is talented, and is a gentleman to the core; but the problem with him is that he wishes to belong to a group of people who do not wish to consider themselves “gentlemen” in the way the world around would understand. He is too polished to belong to this group of men who make sincere attempts to be down to earth. His one and only interest in Indian classical music has kept him away from his other companions who have varied interests, and are not as obsessed as this gentleman, and that is where the problem begins. He has been thinking all along that he was made for music, and nothing else, and would do anything to pursue his interest in music, even by hook or by crook.

This attitude of the gentleman had landed him in trouble on several occasions; his condescending attitude towards his companions who are not as gifted as he is in music is sometimes so very evident that one can make out his motives. Unfortunately he has always considered himself the “best” of the lot in music, and if anyone else were to occupy his place, he finds it hard to accept, leave alone join others to sing or play the instruments. He has been doing this for several years, and maybe he will continue to do this for all the years to come, until he is cornered to face a realistic situation, where he might find his illusions crumble to nothing. But no one knows for sure, when that moment will come.

No one understands me and my interests – this has been one of his refrains to others all the time; anyone who does not encourage him to pursue his sole-interest in music is against him, and all those who let him have his way are good to him. If anyone were to understand him, then they should take it for granted that he is the most versatile classical singer; if they do not honor him with that recognition, then they are considered as music illiterate. This has been his trend, and we do not know where exactly he would land up after a few years; but one thing is sure, his life is not going to be a smooth sail… he is bound to face several storms and typhoons.

I would not think that music had made him less of a human; no. Any true music is supposed to arouse the human heart towards the appreciation of beauty and truth. If that does not happen with this gentleman that is an indication that something had gone wrong somewhere during his upbringing. It is hard for me to go to the details of how he came to be so obsessive with music all these years, and no one had administered to him the much needed shock therapy, to wake him up from the psychological slumber he is still in. Probably once he wakes up from this slumber, then he might be able to see truth as it is, without any additional color glasses.

But who would tell him that what he sees through the eyes of his obsession with music is only partial truth, and there are more elements which may be of greater importance than music, and lead him to enjoy beauty and truth in a more intense way. So long he is obsessed with music, he is not going to see beauty in other elements of nature or human creation. There is beauty in the blue sky, there is beauty in the creepers, helplessly climbing on a tree, there is splendor in a rose or lilly; we don’t need to strain ourselves to see beauty around us, and it would be narrow mindedness to think only music has rhythm. If I can find rhythm in the songs of the birds, in thunder and the rumbling of the streams, then I will find the most soothing music in nature, and then I may not need to take asylum with human-made music!

Ignatian Insights 1 : Attachments

It was a beautiful realization to think that the most precious things in life are hard-earned; I can think of the most precious things in life, be it things or persons or even notions, and each one of them would tell a fascinating story. The paradox is that these hard-earned things and persons are so dear to us that parting with them becomes an ordeal, and invariably at several moments in life we are called to “sacrifice” them for a greater good, even if that is only in the level of concept and notion, and not a reality altogether. Sometimes our hands and feet are tied, and we are left with no other option than give them up, and it is painful to let them go.

Another sweet-n-sour realization is that there is further joy in letting something I had kept close to my heart for years to go; the initial pain would linger in my heart for quite a while, and it may take away my sleep, but I know at the end I had the generosity to let this thing go, or let this person walk out of my life freely. One of the greatest maladies of this age is excessive attachment to things and persons, and that causes much of the misery, pain and suffering. Those who are able to give up hard-earned things and persons, enjoy greater peace and happiness in life, and I have seen this in the life of some of the people I had lived with.

Ignatius of Loyola was not only a great spiritual master, who taught us the language of learning about the heart, but also taught us some of the most wonderful psychological insights which had taken several centuries to really form and become theories. He was quite clear when he held that we cannot arrive at an impartial decision, unless we begin clearing ourselves from all forms of inordinate attachments. For those who are tied to attachments and yet wish to move forward, Ignatius has given them a way of getting out of this web : agere contra (to act against) is one way, to desire and pray for the contrary to what I am attached to.

We can hardly think of attachment as something which can have negative effect on us; we take it for granted that our “security” is in having people close to us, things which can give us the kind of pleasure that we see. It might take us some guts to realize that the very things and persons we think as giving us security may become obstacles in realizing the “freedom” of God’s children. It is wrong to think that all things and persons we are attached to may prevent us from realizing our inner freedom to move with the Spirit, where she wills, but the word we need to underline is “inordinate” or “disorderly”, which can stifle our freedom and spontaneity.

But is it ever possible to live a life without being attached to things, persons and ideas? Humanly speaking it is impossible; but we need not worry about all kinds of attachments; there are attachments which may free us to greater things. For instance attachment to certain values can take us a long way in being witness to the Kingdom; but when these attachments become obsessions, we may be treading on a tight rope, and the danger of falling from grace is more. The best way to check our attachments is this : If I am able to give it up without feeling bad or sad, then I am safe; the attachments which bind me and delimit my freedom, may cause more harm to me than good.

Needless Network

He was known among familiar circles as a champion of the underdog; if there was one person who dared to speak in support of the domestic support staff and the casual laborers, it is undoubtedly he. However he had a soft spot for two of the families, with whom he had an intimate relationship; the little girl he had seen some years ago, is today a young lady, and the fondness he had for her when she was seven or eight years old, continues to draw him close to her, to support her, be affectionate to her, and this unholy alliance had caused him more than enough trouble for him, and yet he would plough through all of these, and continue to express his allegiance to this family.

In terms of the social status, this family could boast about nothing; the two children, the elder girl and the younger boy, together with their parents formed the happy family. But my friend became the voice of the voiceless family when they were in trouble, and had to fight their way through with the management. Though he was part of the management, and yet he dared to distance himself from the authority and stood at the other side to support them. This betrayal had been frowned upon on several occasions by all the persons concerned, but he was adamant not to give in to the pressure from his peers to forsake the family and show his allegiance to the management.

What had been the cause of his unusual affection to the girl, and through her to the family? It is not easy to answer this question. He should be close to 50, and she should be about 20. Surely it is not a love relationship; one said that the relationship was that of a parent and a child, but such a relationship generally bloom in the midst of orphans, who look for their father or mother figure in others. But when her parents are both hale and hearty, what was she looking for in him? Or to look at the other side of the spectrum, what was he looking for in this girl, apart from her affectionate words, beautiful look? It might remain a mystery all the days to come, and yet it is a reality many are aware of.

One thing was sure, he would not dare to neglect his responsibility and duty in order to express his fondness to the girl, or his support to the family. His precious personal time had been often given to them, and he was happy about it, even when he had been pointed out that he refused to be in company with his peers and friends, who formed part of his family. In his own way, he was adamant and obstinate, and no one could really make him understand that he had to let the girl’s family steer their lives, independent of his support and assistance. It was a needless support that he rendered to the family, many were sure of, and yet he would not bite their arguments.

What would happen when he is shifted from this place, I was asking one of his very close associates, and he had no answer. His contact and affection for the girl and love for the family will have to come to a close at some time or other; he cannot afford to support them endlessly. It might happen very soon, and he may be left to wonder how he could support them. The family which had been milking his support, without realizing that he had been jeopardizing his own relationship with other members of his peer group, may have to realize that they may have to stand on their own feet without feeling the need of his support. It is only when both the parties realize the need to distance themselves from the other party, that real growth can take place in both of them.

One in a Million

He is a type by himself, and Carl Jung would have been happy to meet him, so that he could have added yet another archetype based on him; however it would be wrong to say that he represented a sizable majority among the human persons. One should bear in mind, while describing this person, I would naturally add up things from my own bias and prejudice, which is no less in this case. But one thing is sure, he is but one in a million, and I was un/fortunate to live with him for about two years to really know his true color, which is quite different from how he is known and how he project himself to be in public. No wonder he is talented, intelligent, man of morale to a certain extent, but the list might end there.

It may be difficult to find a person who is as calculative and scheming as he is; everything he does or says is colored by a well thought out strategy, which for the most part is colored by his own bias and prejudice. He should have been an ace chess player, because he could calculate rather accurately, but the pity is that a good majority of the people around could make out his moves and can say with certain amount of accuracy what he is up to. There is often an obsession to one’s own benefit, and that of his own kinsmen, which would border on his cultural, linguistic group. He would have also made an excellent military commander, in the way he positions his men to face any onslaught on him or his dear ones, whom he would go any length to favor.

One suspects if he has a heart at all, because all that he is obsessed for the most part of his days is an overly intellectual exercise, whereby he rationalizes even the simplest of things and realities, to give an intellectual approach to reality. But most often human reality cannot be grasped sufficiently by the intellect or the mind; we may have to take recourse to the human heart, and that would be impossible for him. He would easily brand anyone who is easily moved by the heart rather than the intellect, and would not hesitate to even condemn the persons with a predominant heart approach, and appreciate those who are heady. This naturally had caused a lot of damage to the people he had been the boss of. But that is one reality no one had any control over.

The common good can be easily given up at the expense of his own welfare, his individual good, and most often he would expect everyone to adjust their programs and works in order to suit to his demands and desires. His personal and individual good is the primary criteria for all that he would be involved with, and to put it graphically, he would expect everyone around him to dance to his tune, and would be furious if someone were to disagree with him or try to play a tune different from his own. This attitude had promoted a slavish attitude in many of the men working under his direction. He does not consider the needs and wants of others as equally valid and important. This is surely one of the greatest weaknesses of this great man.

Now why do I go to this extent to present a picture of this person? What do I get out of pouring out my allegations (some of which are based on my own prejudice, as I had already cautioned!) here? There is very little that I would benefit by pouring out here, except the fact that my heart would feel light. When we begin to relate to people, we often come across certain persons who leave a positive imprint in our hearts, and some others negative. Those who leave an indelible mark in our hearts are often enshrined in the niche of our hearts, and those who have left a negative imprint in our hearts are often looked down upon, and that is sure to cause something to the world we live in. The negative force that this person spews can affect the positive vibrations of the universe. But perhaps that may be neutralized by the persons with noble and holy virtues.

Objectionable Obsessions

We all of us have our own obsessions, some good and some bad. There is no one on earth who can claim that he or she is a free from any kind of obsessions. There are certain objections which are considered socially objectionable, and when the person goes against the set norms of the society that person is often referred to as a rebel. But it would be wrong to imagine or think that all rebels are against the society, or its set patterns. It is next to impossible to define where we draw the line. There are certain rebels, who with all their good intentions, desire the good of all. The Marxists and the Maoists in West Bengal can be considered as belonging to such a group.

Each one of us has our own obsessions and preoccupations. There are some of us, who are voracious readers, and they love to read night and day; and there are others who like sitting in front of the idiot box round-the-clock; and there are some others who love to loiter around aimlessly. But our obsessions are limited not only to our external behaviors, they are also seen in our thinking patterns. I too have my own obsessions and preoccupations, some known to me and others, and some known only to me, and I try to guard them as a secretly guarded treasure, and they may die with me, without anyone knowing about it.

Some years ago, while visiting one of our schools, I had to stay with our Jesuit community, and I was given a guest room to stay the night. That was the first time I was going to stay in that community. Next to the room I was given to stay, was a room with painting boards, canvass, incomplete paintings; the place looked like a professional studio of an artist, and I was wondering who might be doing the paintings. It came as a surprise that one of the Fathers was doing the paintings in his leisure hours, and he had a lot of time to spend on it, but I had known him for over twenty years, and yet I had not known him as a painter or artist. Later I heard that painting was one of his passions.

But what is dangerous about obsessions is to cultivate a secret set of them, which may separate me from the rest of the society. When obsessions go overboard, then we may be called eccentric or pervert. It is not that they are bad elements, but the problem with them is that they had not known where to draw the line between what is personal interest and what is societal. But each one of us has an obsession, which may complement in a social setting. Most of us are incorrigible in some way or the other: some in their behavior, some in their thinking, and some in relating to others. We love to live in our own worlds, which may give us an identity and sense of being.

I am incapable of overcoming some of the obsessions, which may be in my blood, and some became part of myself during the upbringing, and over which I may not have much control. Most of my obsessions may come in conflict with those of others, and there might be times when I might feel left out in a social setting because of my eccentrics. It is possible I may not be able to overcome them, but it might be necessary for me to be conscious of my grey areas, so that when I am confronted, I am not taken aback. If there is a possibility for bringing my obsessions under control, it would enhance my personality and life in general. But that is a life-long mission, and I may be no before I realize a different ‘me’.