Sweet to Sour Story

I have been quite disturbed by the story of a former religious nun taking a Jesuit priest to the court, alleging illegitimate sex, leading to abortion! This news apparently had been entertaining the people of Tamil Nadu for quite some time, the former nun publicly washing her private linen, adding fuel to the fire, and the priest living in underground, in order not to be caught by the public eye, and the ever vigilant journalists and photographers. It would be quite unfair on my part to make any value judgment about this case, since what I know is perhaps just the tip of an iceberg, and a greater part of the truth may be buried for all eternity.

What had transpired the two of them to part ways is something which is unknown to most of us; what had prompted them to seek one of the most cruel forms of punishing in public is also something that most of us cannot think of. I am quite confident that whatever be the present situation, in the beginning there should have been genuine love for each other. Over the days and months that love could have led to greater deepening, ultimately leading to crossing the religious frontiers, to indulge in what is forbidden. I would not contest the idea that the priest and the former nun did not indulge in the most intimate form of human love, but would better leave it without debating about the authenticity of this fact.

One thing that I fail to understand in the entire drama of love between these two persons, where the sweet had turned into sour, within so few years, is my conviction that there should have been genuine love between these two at some time or other during their relationship over the past years. I cannot think that the former nun would have contemplated extorting a huge sum of money as compensation for what he had done to her; there are some people who propose this angle, but my heart says, during a genuine loving relationship this kind of ideas generally do not surface. In that case what had gone wrong in their relationship?

If the former nun had genuine love for the priest, how did she dare to go so far, demanding not only the expulsion of him from the religious congregation, but also a huge sum of money as compensation towards the damage caused to her. It is possible that there are other more dominant angles in the story – one being the caste issue, and another political, but my contention is this : if this lady had true love for him, she could only think of what is good for him; what would make him happy, even if she is disrobed of her religious status, and had to struggle in the unfamiliar world she is thrown into. Has her love for him evaporated then?

I feel sad for the priest, who could think that his love for her had become a public commodity, or worse still a yellow journalism. It is possible we might never come to know the different layers of their relationship, because it is only God who could fathom the hearts of people. While we await the legal procedures to take their own course, it is impossible to condemn anyone; who knows what had forced the former nun to resort to this extreme form of cruelty to the one who had loved her beyond all measure! It could be social or political pressures, or even psychological ones. I would like to remember both of them and place them before the Lord of all consolation that he might bring peace in the hearts of these two in a special way today!

Art of Saying No Gracefully

I know many of us suffer from this weakness: unable to say no someone dear to us! We are pushed to resorting to pleasing others, at the extent of displeasing ourselves, all because we do not have the guts to call cards. One thing which is at the back of our mind, when we force ourselves to oblige is the fear of losing the goodwill that we enjoy with these people. At the other side of the spectrum is the consciousness of our own reputation: what will s/he think if I do not oblige? Ultimately we end up pleasing others, while deep within displeasing ourselves, which may in the long run become a compulsive syndrome difficult to placate.

We need to master the difficult art of saying no gracefully! Here the words art and gracefully are significant. Since it is an art, it needs to be cultivated; we are not born with the rudiments of this art, but we need to learn through the hard way. Saying ‘no’ rudely or indifferently will have its severe consequences, and therefore we should employ the best of our smile, choicest gentle and polite words, and harken the best tonal quality to convey this stern no! It is on how we say this no, which will determine if it will have dire consequences, or happy conclusions to one of the problems which had been pricking our conscience for long.

When it comes to inter personal relationships, we are all too frightened about others; we do not wish to challenge others, because we feel that if we do, others may forsake us, and we will be left without friends. Therefore we would go all the way to compromise! And if our friends can make out that we have begun to compromise, they are sure to make use of it for their own advantage, and we may be left to drown ourselves in misery and fear. But the fact is not all the people who receive a gentle ‘no’ will feel offended; they may even feel happy that we had the courage to say no so gracefully. In this case, instead of the relationship remaining status quo, it may grow into a healthy relationship.

But we cannot over rule the consequences, if for some reason or other our gracefulness does not make the magic! A person or two may be offended and may even burst out in public, and this is part of the deal, in being authentic to ourselves. Which one would we prefer: trying to please others even while going against our wish, or to please ourselves without displeasing others. The dire consequences, if there be any, may not last long, and people may come back to us, when they realize that we were not in a position to entertain their request at the time they required. But that may take some time, and we may have to practice patience till then.

There are very few people who have really mastered this difficult art, and I have come across people who would refuse a favour so sweetly that I would not mind that at all, and again when I need something to be done by them, I would not hesitate to approach them. We all need to practice this art, because it would come to our aid at any time, especially when we are to work under a senior person, who would demand things which we may not be in a position to fulfil. We will be able to find and retain more friends by mastering this art, if only we know how to do it. There is no short cut to learning this art; we may have to start practising smiling sweetly; maybe a mirror may help us to accomplish. The second thing that can help is a set of sweet words. That will do to start mastering this art of saying no gracefully.

Exterminating Extreme Exclusivists

I am frightened of relating to persons who are overly possessive, persons who wish to possess me exclusively. I see a danger in relating to this kind of people, because they would expect me to sell my personal freedom and liberty to them, and wish me to be tied down to them, and do their bidding. Such persons invariably would wish me to do whatever they want me to do, and as soon as refuse to do, or ignore their pleas, or do what I would very much wish to do, then their entire world crumbles, and they may find it hard to accept that the other party has "ditched" them.

History has shown that all the people who were overly attached to their partners, very soon ended up separate; that is the law of life. The Latin proverb sums it all : corruption optima pessima (any good in excess is bad). Attachment is good, and it is a sign of commitment and endurance, but when it goes beyond all limits, it becomes sour. We can take examples for this from nature. What happens when sugar water is kept for long; it becomes sour, and so are relationships. What may be of great help is to keep safe distance (on the road we are reminded by every other vehicle to keep the distance).

Overly possessive persons are preoccupied with guarding their partners, lest they should seek greener pastures; and if ever the partner were to find a better company and partner, and give signs of terminating the relationship, then the possessive partner would go all extent to exterminate the enemy, and reclaim his partner for him/herself. But that is not going to take place in a peaceful atmosphere; there may be bloodshed, if it is required, and any amount of crime and justification may be called in, to show that they were made for each other, and they cannot be separated for whatever reason!

One of my friends, who was so attached to me, and loved me so much that she could not think of getting married to another person. Whenever I started the topic that she should be settled in life, so that her mother would be able to concentrate on brining up her younger sister and brother; but she would not listen to me. But how can I ever think of another person in my life? This used to be her regular answer! To make the long story short, today she is happily married with two children (and she had managed to be absolutely cut off contacting me for the past 13 years)! When the extreme exclusivist shell breaks, the persons begin to see reality as it is, and not as they imagined it to be. It may occur through a shocking experience, or a sudden jerk in life, or even an accident.

In any growing relationship (and I believe all relationship are bound to either come to a standstill or continue to grow), it is absolutely necessary for the partners to pause at every stage and look at where they are heading. Any vehicle that goes at full speed is heading for trouble; sometimes it is necessary to put the brake and make sure that they are alright, so that when there is a need, you don’t realize that the brakes have worn out. This occasional brakes (either through exercising small doses of ‘self-control’ or through abstinence) may make the relationship enduring, instead of leading it to crash after an excited drive. Ultimately this enduring relationship may benefit both the partners, helping them to find greater joy and peace in being ‘related’!

The Smart Passers

It is unfortunate that some of the smartest persons are not the most admired persons by a cross section of people. We know that the smart people are those who have a fairly high intelligence (we may say they have a good IQ), endowed with a lot of qualities which make them enviable persons; on the other side of the spectrum, we may find that these are people who have low on emotional quotient (EQ) and that may cause their downfall. Therefore being smart has its own share of disadvantages, especially when it comes to inter-personal relationships. Today let us reflect about such people, what makes them tick, and what makes them some of the most abominable characters on earth.

He is highly talented, gifted for languages, excellent organizer (who even while remaining inside his room, could organize a mammoth crowd, with perfect and calculated order and discipline), charming person, especially to the members of the opposite sex, shrewd and calculative to the core. He is quite popular among the people, but not among the people he lives with. There is one difference: the people who live with him know him thoroughly, while those others know him from only what they see and hear. People of this category are like sugar-coated pills, they may get their work done by hook or by crook, and dump the people who helped them until they would need their help.

While some of us youngsters were living in a Jesuit community some years ago, we have a companion, who loved to hold too many portfolios, though his ill-health restricted his movement, but he was more than happy to be in full control over the place. There were two young men who had come for a year's experience in that place, and were in a sense computer savvy. So whenever this companion wanted some work to be done by these two youngsters, in the morning, during breakfast he would be seen wishing the two companions good morning, and enquire from them how they were. Soon these two friends found out that whenever he came to wish them good morning, there was a work to be done. So it happened so that in the morning if they found him coming to the dining room, they would run away from the place.

The so-called smart people have many trump cards to play with. One of their excellent cards is the ease with which they would be able to pass their responsibilities on to others, most often the gullible and the vulnerable. They are ace passers of bugs. You would find them always busy, though if you try to probe what they were busy with, you would be disappointed to find that they were not preoccupied with any work, but they only pretend to be busy. Their sweet words would melt even the mighty stones; you may never hear any harsh word from them. While they talk sweetly to you, they may not be all that charitable about others, and you can be sure that when they talk to others, you may be one of the favorite subjects!

I consider people of this sort as venom, slowly poisoning the society we live in. While they get all their work done by any means possible, they themselves may not do any thing, not even their own responsibilities. Alas for those who associate with these men and women, for they may be too soon enticed by gifts of all sorts, and will find themselves hooked to their gentle orders. If you are able to see through their trickery and keep a safe distance, you may fall into their bad books, and may fall out of their favor too. But that would only save your skin, besides your strength and energy. Beware of these people, for you do not know when they may entice you and make you do their bidding!

The Sweet-Talker

It was not a pleasant experience! I called up a senior friend of mine yesterday to ask for an official favor, that is to say, a favor not for me personally, but on an official level. And the friend, who addresses me always as a younger brother, sounded very enthusiastic at what I was asking for, and he readily complied to my request. He invited me to attend a meeting too regarding the favor I was asking him, and later during the day he called me up to say that he was postponing the meeting to today morning. But when I reached his place to attend the meeting, with the hope that the request had been agreed upon, and we were to plan out things for a common program.

It came as a rude shock for me to realize that the people concerned about this common program were not in one mind; there were differences of opinion, and I was blind to it. My senior friend had not told me when I asked him about the possible problems and inconveniences. So when we began the meeting, there were arguments and counter arguments. I who had taken for granted that consent had been given to hold the common program in friend's place, got a message quite different from the one I was given to understand. It was an embarassing situation, as every one spoke about the pros and cons. But I found it hard to save my face, because I really did not know what the main problem was.

I was quite disappointed by the opposition posed by certain members, and I found it uneasy at that moment to counter them. I had already announced that the common program was to be held at that place, and it would be quite cumbersome to change the venue; that would only confuse the invitees. I even heard my senior friend say then that it would be better to shift the program to some other place, but it was difficult for me to do that, because I had already announced the venue. Luckily I had to meet our printer to give him the material for printing, and so I had to move out of the place for about fifteen minutes.

Thank God, when I returned to the place after meeting the printer, the situation had cooled, and the members were in a much better mood to discuss and decide. All agreed that the program could be held there, and necessary arrangements would be made by people concerned. I was happy that at last all the members together consented, and that my burden had been lightened. I really had a sigh of relief, when I heard all people concerned, agreed to take charge of the entire program. But I was still not sure where the problem was, which put the members in a fix in the beginning?

I did get the answer when I met another younger friend of mine, who told me that my senior friend was not too happy to hold the common program in his place, and was complaining to other members about the inconveniences. But why could he not tell me when I called him to ask about his opinion? Unfortunately my senior friend belongs to the category of people who wish to please every one on earth. While people of this sort have sweet words for people who ask them a favor, at the heart they are quite sour, and in order to protect themselves, they would pass the bug on to others. My friend, who had been known as an excellent organizer, would not like to take responsibility, but wanted others to own up the proposal. Since better sense prevailed among other members, my day was saved!