Lighting my Little Lamp

Today is Diwali, the festival of light, and there is an array of colorful lights all around. Most of the houses around have been lit with light of different colors and shapes. It is so wonderful to see the display of light, it is sheer pleasure to behold light. I look at the convent, facing our corridor near the main road, a series of lights (diya) have been lit, and it was a beautiful sight. Women are known for decorating houses on this day, with light. I had known that it is a wonderful day to light candles at least on the corridor near the main road, and brighten up the space, and luckily I found an old packet of tiny candles in one of our cupboards, and made use of them to light up the corridor.

The candles were too tiny to last even ten minutes, I thought, and after lighting some 20 candles, I went for my customary walk; when I returned after about 30 minutes, I could see the light at the corridor, and there were some candles which were still burning. It was a beautiful sight to see a line of candles burning. I hurried to light up some more candles which were left earlier, and I wonder if the corridor had ever seen such candle light soothing its space in all the years of its existence. There is nothing that equals the soothing light of candles or of diyas (earthen lamps). I was happy that I could light up my own little lamp during the ‘festival of light’.

When I first thought of lighting up the corridor today, the line which was flashing in my mind often today was from Rabindranath Tagore, in his poem ‘There are numerous strings in your lute’: “Amidst your numberless stars, Let me place my own little lamp!” There is light all around, and it is not necessary for me to add to the already existing light; however my “little lamps” are sure to add yet another dimension to the light! However small these candles be, they add something new to the world around me, and that is my joy! Often I have the tendency to take for granted: there is already so much light, why take the trouble to light my little lamps!

Looking at the world around, there is always a tendency in me and in others to keep away from what makes the world noble, beautiful and colorful. Why should I take the trouble to do my little part, while it is too tiny, in comparison to what others contribute? Little drops make an ocean, is true, and it takes a little effort on my part to add that little drop; if the world is still worth living and beautiful, I should acknowledge the millions of little drops contributed by millions of people down the years, and several other millions still contributing each and every moment. Then why should I hesitate to light my own little lamps?

If everyone lights up his/her house, the whole locality is sure to be beautifully lit, and that is exactly what the festival of light invites all of us to: to light my little lamp, and I can expect the world to be bright and beautiful. However if I fail to light my little lamps, then I will have no right to blame the world for being dark and damp. It takes very little effort to light my courtyard or corridor, and I don’t need to light up others’ houses; looking at me, probably others may also be inspired to light up their homes, just as I was inspired to light up our corridor after looking at the neatly lit convent! And what a joy it is to celebrate light, which is another name for LIFE!

Metamorphosis of Nemesis

I know it is so easy for some people to say “sorry”, just as it is for me. For some people, it is very difficult, especially if they are diffident. I am beginning to understand that all those who say sorry need not be fully sorry for what had happened, and therefore are willing to take responsibility for them, and all those who are diffident need not be arrogant and so are unwilling to own up what had happened. It is possible that I say sorry so many times, and yet deep down am unrepentant, and still try to justify what I had done, and how I continue to be innocent. There is also another parallel tendency in me to make other people feel sorry for making me feel sorry.

There used to be times when I would be diffident and would not say sorry to people, until I read it somewhere those three beautiful words which can make a difference in my life : please, sorry, and thank you, and I began to use these as lavishly as possible. But it is time for me to pause and reflect if these words are losing their core meaning, and I am just taking them for granted. When I say please, do I really have the mental disposition to submit myself to the giver, or is it just a word of politeness? The same thing with the word, Thank you! I need to ask myself if I am truly grateful to the one who has favoured me and has shown graciousness to me!

But I realize that during those younger days when I used to be extremely allergic to using these three little words, I used to maintain certain amount of dignity. I always thought that I should not easily give scope to using these words. I should not be at the mercy of others, but should claim what is due dispassionately; not to do something for which I would regret and so have to ask the pardon from others, and to accept what is rightfully mine, and not to accept any favours which may come with a hook. But I have grown over this kind of understanding, and today I think of these in a different light. I do not hesitate to ask for favours, and recognize my own limitations, and be thankful to the people who show tremendous understanding towards me.

As I pour out myself at this moment, I think of a dark cave, where I am trying to enter in stealthily; I cannot see what is on the floor, the moss, slippery ground with water flowing all the time, stone chips which may pork into my sole, and I may just hit my head on the wall. Groping in the dark is a new experience, because it is then that I feel how helpless I am before certain kind of reality. But if I have another person who is used to this cave, and were to hold me by the hand and lead me through, how comfortable it can be. If I find him next to me, could I not plead for his help, and be grateful to him for the favour he would have done me? And is it not reasonable to ask his pardon if I had not followed his footsteps, or directions?

Whole life is not enough for us to learn, learn new tricks! It is said that old persons learn new tricks rather slowly, but I am quite vary of this kind of assumptions. There are certain persons who keep learning new tricks, not only in life, but also in their personal lives, and that is a great consolation for me. It is never too late to learn from life, and every time I realize a possibility of learning and incorporating it into my personal life, I feel that I am growing as a person, as an individual, as a responsible citizen of the universe. The world is changing at a rapid speed, and we too are called to keep pace to it, and experience that change within us, and around us.

Flash of Lightning

I didn't know it would happen so soon. It took hardly two hours for my friend who had "doubted" my openness and transparency to return with a 'sorry'. One might think that only proves that I am partly innocent of what she was 'accusing' me of, but in reality it brought to fore something else too. Over the years I had known that my friend was quite frank and open, and does not keeping anything to her heart. She confided with me that she did not think that she would talk about these things, and it somehow popped out of her lips. And she was not even fully aware of what she was talking about!

She was profusely sorry for what she had told me, though quite inadvertently! She told me that if only she had known this would be the consequences of speaking her mind, she would have kept her mouth shut! I realized that at the end she was more disturbed and shattered than I was. Over the phone, I could hear her sob, and I really don't know how many times she said sorry! I was not in need of her sorry, she knew that, because in close relationships these things do happen, and one need not wait for the other person to ask pardon; certain things are not to be taken to heart, and I did not take too seriously what she had told me.

But she could not believe that she dared to disturb my mind at a time when I wanted to have some quiet moment. This time I had to give her assurance that all would be fine after a few hours. After all, the mind needs some time to let things cool down, and at least partially erase some of the painful memories. Given her nature, she would mull over this issue the whole of night, and today I can almost be sure she would say she did not have good sleep, because she was haunted by the painful memories of yesterday. Just as I needed sometime, she also would require some time to assure herself that we are not fully in control over ourselves all the time.

I would not be too quick to brand this entire episode as a typical commonplace 'misunderstanding'! No, I would look at it as a lightning moment, which is powerful and help both of us take a second look at each other as to what our expectations about the other are, and if we are able to fulfill them or not. In a lasting relationship, such moments as this can open up either the Pandora's box, or the dirt under the carpet; in either case, it is sure to have an impact on the future course of the relationship, and I often look at these seemingly painful moments, as part of the growth process. It is time for pruning, and the process is painful for sure!

I know that what had come out of the lips of my friend, even without her knowing it, cannot be sidelined as unjust allegation; no person with a little love for me can ever do that! The lightning flash has shown me a dark corner of her heart, and it is for me to ponder over this, and dispel the darkness! It may take me months or years to do this, or it may continue to remain in her heart for ages, despite my many attempts at working on it. Or there may be another lightning flash which may dispel that darkness and make us see each other as we truly are, and not as the one's with an inaccessible secret corner in the heart!

Children of Light

Some people may think I am crazy if I were to say that creation or the discovery of artificial lighting system is a disgrace to God’s creation. Let me explain my stance before you pounce on me like ravenous wolves. God created night and day, the Sun to rule the day and the moon to rule the night. He provided us with hard and soft light (as those in photography and videography would call) for two different kinds of needs. But today the human beings have created any number of kinds of light, and they even have deviced a method of dimming the light. Sometimes one wonders if it is night or day.

There is a thirst in human beings to extend the day and shorten the night, failing to realize that night and day are two phases of human life. We have evolved a system of lighting up our surroundings, to some extent, equaling the natural light, so that we would think that we are enjoying the blessing of day. But we don’t stop at that, we even attempt to control our bodies to the changing phases of our day and night. We prefer a long day and a short day, because day represents all that is lovely, lively, and night represents all that is dull and gloomy. But that is not the whole truth.

I for one am not a nocturnal being, like some of my friends, who would keep awake till about two o’clock in the early morning and then would go to bed, to get up well past eight in the morning. Naturally they need the minimum hours of sleep. I don’t remember burning the midnight’s lamp, even when I had the toughest examinations to get through. Before the clock stuck twelve midnight, I was invariably on the bed, enjoying a sound sleep. I have no serious problem with people who go late to bed and rise late, but when we are in a group, if people wish everyone to go late to bed, I find it hard to accept. I have built up a rhythm in accordance with nature, and to change it is sure to affect my very system.

By now I know rather too well that after about 9 pm, I am no more the same vibrant self I am in the morning. The body is tired and it is time to rest, which however does not mean to sleep. I like relaxing by myself either reading or writing, or watching a movie, or listening to a song. I would love to respect this particular rhythm of my body, mind and spirit, and feel a bit annoyed when some people force me to change it. I hate any serious work or meeting after 9 pm, and sometimes when I am compelled to be engaged with some serious work, by body reacts, and I get headache; that is an indication for me that it is time to be off, but how would I expect others to understand my rhythm?

It is important that each one of us finds out our body rhythm in terms of its movement. I know the best time of the day is the morning, not necessarily the early morning as some think and understand, but time from 7 to 10 am. Much of my creative works take place during this time period. I can give my best during these hours. I get the natural light to shine on me and my work, and I don’t need to burn an extra ounce of oil to keep my lamp burning. I can still hear the chirping of the birds, alongside the vehicles on the road. I can still hear the raucous laughter of children, while at the same time feel the gentle yet warm rays of the sun. Even in the midst of madding crowds, I can forget the whole world and enter into the cave of my heart… and the journey interior is never ending!