Why me, Lord?

One of my favorite songs of the yesteryears, was Why me, Lord! I remember listening to this song some 25 years ago, and the lyrics of the song still stir my heart. This song presents the popular sentiments of all people of all times, namely why should people suffer for no fault of their own. Yesterday as I was talking to a senior Sister, who had a fall and had to be transferred to another place, partially terminating her new assignment just half way through. I had been nursing positive hopes about what I could do, and all of a sudden my fall had changed all my hopes. What have I done to deserve this punishment, she asked me. I did not find adequate words to console her, and I remember three years ago, when I received the sudden heart attack of my brother in law and the immediate death, I did not know how to console my sister.

On many occasions we look up to God and raise the same question – why me? Of all the people on the face of the earth, why should I be subjected to such a harsh punishment? Could the Lord not have averted this thing happening to me? The Shack tried to delve deep into the mystery of this question, as did Job in the Old Testament. I know one thing for sure, this is a question that no human mind can adequately answer, and that is why human suffering and death are the riddles which cannot be conceived by the human mind. These are the realities that seal us with the imprint of humanness, and yet we yearn for an answer; we all want to know why bad things happen to good people. Human mind which has unraveled so many mysteries of the universe is unable to find an answer to this simple question, and it continues to baffle generations.

We are used to thinking only about ourselves, our own worries and troubles, and cannot think of anything beyond them. We think that only we carry insurmountable burden, while all others are enjoying their lives. This is because we do not easily disclose to others the mental pain and agony that we go through in life; we keep them locked up within our closets, or like to push them under the carpet. We all like to suffer silently, and that is the reason why each one thinks he or she is the only sufferer in the whole world; if only look carefully how each one is laden with heavy burdens, then we might think that ours is a much easier load than others. In fact every other person on earth is carrying much more burden than we do, and this could be a matter of consolation that we have been spared from such an insurmountable load.

It is impossible for us to imagine the greater plan that God may have for us, within which these painful moments, agonizing turn of events and unexpected change of our life expectations fall. Who can discern God’s way; it would be impossible for us to decipher the reason why things happen to us the way they do; if only we are able to find answer to all our questions, then the world would be quite different, and this time not necessarily for better. Thank God we are not able to understand why certain things happen to us; in most cases, we might thank God for making certain painful moments come our way, because these moments might have done more good to us than pain. However we could say this only on hind sight and it is impossible for us to recognize what the Lord has in store for us, when they do take place.

I cannot think of anyone who is spared of bad things in life; even the most virtuous and pious of men and women also had their own share of pain and suffering, sometimes these had more than their due share. This is because they had the mental stamina and spiritual vitality to bear all pain and suffering. In many cases, these men and women were subjected to more painful mental agony and torture, which tried to drain them out of the spiritual energy they had been relying on. All of us have our share of pain and suffering, and once we begin to see that it is only through the path of these painful moments that we could really enter into a state of sheer bliss. There is no shortcut to happiness and unending joy; we need to go through the path of pain and suffering in order to enjoy and relish what is in store for us. The wait might be worth it all.

Freedom to be

For the last few days, I had been asking myself : What do I seek in a relationship, and value the most? No, it is not the cozy feeling that I am safe and secure in the loving embrace of a friend, who would stand by me in thick and thin, nor the comfortable feeling that when I am down my friend will cheer me up and boost my morale, nor give himself or herself completely in order to reach the goal I had set for myself. All these things are there in a relationship, but I feel deep down what I seek in a relationship is the freedom to be myself, knowing absolutely sure that I would not be intimidated, I would not be rejected for being what I am, or even pooh-poohed because I do not come up to the expectations of the person I am relating to.

It is not that I have been experiencing a smooth sail in all instances of initiating, establishing and going through relationships with different persons down the years; some relationships caught me unawares, because they grew out naturally and spontaneously; there were no exertions, or unnecessary coaxing from either party to make it work. Such were the relationships I knew were going to last longer than the initial euphoria that many of the relationships pose. Sometimes even deeper relationships became bitter, when the sugar-coating was gone, and when we began to step into raw selves, and it was hard for both to come to terms with each other, and make a sincere effort to accept the other as s/he was.

There is a hidden fear in me to be what I am in the company of people who may not wish me to be what I truly am. Often I am expected to dress myself according to the moral code set by the society, according to the high expectations that many in my company have on me, and so ultimately I end up being something or someone other than what I am, and that is a painful experience. I am aware that there are grey areas in me, which the people living around me, and sometimes the people who love and care for me, do not wish to see. The social and cultural taboos cannot be exhibited in public, and there is the child in me who cries out to see the light of day; it may be quite different from what my friends may wish, but that is me, my true self.

I remember occasions when a close friend of mine was shocked to get a glimpse of my true self; oh no! she exclaimed, and at that moment I know this is not what my friend was looking for from me. Just like a turtle which pulls in its head under its hard shell, I have to keep my head under the shell, so that no one can harm me; or if I keep popping up my head outside, I may not know when one or other person would deliberately or inadvertently stamp on me. There were times I had scandalized my friends, because I was trying to be my true self; sometimes my friends advised me to “behave” myself, because I carried an identity which did not permit me to indulge in certain kinds of behavior.

I am getting used to in shocking and scandalizing people by presenting myself as authentically as I am, and sometimes it is too much for my friends to accept, and they may decide to bid goodbye forever, and I may not deliberately wish to hold them back. I do not say that my true friends should accept all the stupid and idiotic things I do, but they are not shocked when I behave in that manner, and make an effort to slowly make me understand the other layers of my actions, which may pain and agonize them. That is the responsibility I look forward to from my friends, to grant me the freedom to be myself, and slowly open the gates of the hidden self and help me embrace it willingly and joyfully!

Marking the Milestones

For the past few days, I had been counting the number of blogs that I had written so far under Two Minutes a Day with God (some have commented to me that it in fact, takes more than two minutes to read each of the blogs!), and with the last number, I had completed 200! That is, two centuries, and here is the first one of the next century, and I hope I would be able to continue batting without getting tired of thinking aloud, pouring out my own feelings and sentiments, echoing the sweet and sour moorings of the world around me. It is no more a challenge to pour out what I feel openly and candidly.

But that is not the case with everyone who may wish to blog on the net! For some, the initial couple of blogs may even be traumatic and chaotic; on the one hand is the content, and on the other is the formatting, visual effects, and the stylistic elements. It may be more confusing to get all of these things going steadily and smoothly in the initial blogs. Here is a tip for the beginners : don't start the Blogger page and start keying in the content online; it would be better to go to the word processor and compose the matter slowly and carefully, and then copy the matter (in Windows Ctrl-C), and then paste it (Ctrl-V) on the blogger text box. This would guarantee that the content is taken good care of.

But what about the visuals, the photos and drawings? Where do I get these from? Easy! The internet contains any visual or picture that one might imagine; all that one needs to do is to go to the google or any other Search Engine, and type what sort of picture you need, and in a minute you have the picture. Choose the most appropriate and visually most appealing (not forgetting the file size and format; I prefer medium size and format almost always JPEG) picture and save it in My Pictures folder with a file name which is easy for me to remember! Once that is done, all that I have to do is to link the picture with the text and upload it. In a minute, it is done.

Blogs are not meant to be literary pieces, sometimes they may turn out to be, and in which case, it is only accidental. They are pages of my digital diary; they may contain errors in spelling, in grammar, in quotations, but do these matter much? If I become a very popular figure, whom thousands of men and women may follow, then I should be very careful about what I am writing, for in such a situation, I can be sure to be torn apart by the readers-viewers for even a wrong comma, or a period. But for most of us, who use blogs for self-expression, anything can be allowed, provided it remains largely personal.

There is no better reading material for me, when I am down, or when the spirit is low, than to go back to the blogs of my earlier days. Often I have felt that most of the things I had written months back, come back alive to me, and I find it quite refreshing to go back to them again. Sometimes the writings appear new to me, and I cannot even imagine that I had written it months ago. The reason for this is simple : once the feeling is poured out, it becomes the property of the public, and not any more mine, and that is the reason why they appear to me new and fresh, when I read them after some months. After all, any wine which has been preserved for years and months will taste better for sure!

Calling convictions to account

I don't really know what had gone wrong with me that there had been a tenor of anger in me for the past few days; I seemed to get angry with anyone for no specific reason. It is not that I was not aware of what had been going on within me for the past few days, but it is not all that easy to put my finger into the exact reason. It is true there had been some of my very close friends who seemed to be rubbing me at the wrong side; the very people whom I thought would stand by me when I am down, turned out to be part of my problem. Just as I raised my voice when we spoke, they wondered what made me to behave in an unusual way (when have I behaved in an usual way? they sometimes ask me)!

One thing for sure, I cannot go on like this for long; I may have to either stop behaving this way, or I may find myself in an asylum (I should be lucky not be chained!). My problem (when no one is there to own up this problem, it is proper that I own this up), if I can recollect well, has its origin when I began to question the convictions of one of my friends. Probably I was trying to touch the very nerve center of my friend, and therefore there was an explosion; it is possible that the explosion did not take place externally, but I felt it deep within me, and I was not prepared for it.

Convictions are the most precious thing I treasure deep within my heart, and very seldom would I dare to compromise with them, for whatever reason, though in the recent years I have become a bit more sober and compromising with them. But still, I feel that the convictions which I had been grooming all these years are my riches, and it is painful when someone questions me about them. But that is precisely what I was placing my fingers, when I questioned my friend about one of her convictions. Maybe I could not accept her conviction as one which I can easily agree to, and so I had to draw myself from the entire scene. That is where it all began.

I tried to show the anger I had on her to others, and at the end of the day, I felt that I had not spared anyone, and many of them were quite innocent. When I do not expect anyone to question my convictions, I found it hard to do the same with others. Is it a sign of my superiority feeling or that I cannot accept others too having convictions, grown out of life's sweet and sour moments. Over the years I have also learned good many lessons, which made me reconsider some of the convictions, which I could not give up under any circumstances. Ultimately, I realize, what is more important is not that I hold the convictions as the Gospel truth, but that I have become a truly human person!

It is hard for me to accept the kind of conviction she holds on to, and I am not going to give it up for my sake either; but one thing is for sure, I am not going to question it. It is the fruit of her life's experiences and it is for her to question them, and it is not my business to do that. I will have to grow in the humility which may remind me that I cannot make others to dance according to my tunes. I may not have the guts to acknowledge what has happened to me actually, but one thing for sure, next time when I hear someone expressing his/her conviction, I will think twice before questioning or refuting them!

Flash of Lightning

I didn't know it would happen so soon. It took hardly two hours for my friend who had "doubted" my openness and transparency to return with a 'sorry'. One might think that only proves that I am partly innocent of what she was 'accusing' me of, but in reality it brought to fore something else too. Over the years I had known that my friend was quite frank and open, and does not keeping anything to her heart. She confided with me that she did not think that she would talk about these things, and it somehow popped out of her lips. And she was not even fully aware of what she was talking about!

She was profusely sorry for what she had told me, though quite inadvertently! She told me that if only she had known this would be the consequences of speaking her mind, she would have kept her mouth shut! I realized that at the end she was more disturbed and shattered than I was. Over the phone, I could hear her sob, and I really don't know how many times she said sorry! I was not in need of her sorry, she knew that, because in close relationships these things do happen, and one need not wait for the other person to ask pardon; certain things are not to be taken to heart, and I did not take too seriously what she had told me.

But she could not believe that she dared to disturb my mind at a time when I wanted to have some quiet moment. This time I had to give her assurance that all would be fine after a few hours. After all, the mind needs some time to let things cool down, and at least partially erase some of the painful memories. Given her nature, she would mull over this issue the whole of night, and today I can almost be sure she would say she did not have good sleep, because she was haunted by the painful memories of yesterday. Just as I needed sometime, she also would require some time to assure herself that we are not fully in control over ourselves all the time.

I would not be too quick to brand this entire episode as a typical commonplace 'misunderstanding'! No, I would look at it as a lightning moment, which is powerful and help both of us take a second look at each other as to what our expectations about the other are, and if we are able to fulfill them or not. In a lasting relationship, such moments as this can open up either the Pandora's box, or the dirt under the carpet; in either case, it is sure to have an impact on the future course of the relationship, and I often look at these seemingly painful moments, as part of the growth process. It is time for pruning, and the process is painful for sure!

I know that what had come out of the lips of my friend, even without her knowing it, cannot be sidelined as unjust allegation; no person with a little love for me can ever do that! The lightning flash has shown me a dark corner of her heart, and it is for me to ponder over this, and dispel the darkness! It may take me months or years to do this, or it may continue to remain in her heart for ages, despite my many attempts at working on it. Or there may be another lightning flash which may dispel that darkness and make us see each other as we truly are, and not as the one's with an inaccessible secret corner in the heart!

On Hurting Others

Is it ever possible that a person deliberately and voluntarily hurts another person? Those who have read the previous blog "On being hurt" would naturally say that it is not possible, because whether one is hurt or not, largely depends on how one responds to the external forces. But is there any other right answer to this question? Probably there is certain amount of truth, though we may have to rephrase the question. Is it possible that a person deliberately causes pain to another? Naturally hurting and causing pain are not one and the same thing. Hurt is something related to the mind, but pain is something related to the body, naturally provoked by the mind.

It would be wrong to equate every pain to hurt feelings, and every hurt feelings to pain. There is no other creature on earth which is as sadistic as the human beings. It is unfortunately only the human beings who love to see others suffer. Imagine the number of persons who love boxing, men and women being tossed in the ring (though we are told that all is not real, but feigned); the number of people who love violent scenes of killing and cannibalistic movies. We take pleasure in not only causing pain in others, but also in seeing others suffer. This is a fact which no one can really deny.

For the sake of clarity, we shall not consider those people who deliberately and consciously cause pain in others, by their words and actions. We know that this is objectively bad, and no decent person will every tolerate such a behavior. But we shall now consider those persons who unconsciously cause pain in others, and feel bad themselves when they come to know that they had been the cause of others' pain and suffering. All may not accept the excuses of these persons. I had gone for a dinner and was talking to a long-time friend of mine, and so did not bother to take note of other guests. The next day I get a phone call from another close friend of mine who also had been to the dinner, and she tells me that she is hurt because I did not bother about her! How do I respond to her complaint?

All my explanations to this friend of mine might sound unreasonable, and would think that I had been deliberately avoiding her, and that she feels deeply hurt by my behavior. What could I do in such a situation? There is hardly a way how I can repair the so-called damage done to her. She would not be pleased with any kind of reparation from my part. But I have found a way to handle such a situation, and is quite simple. I would not try to explain to her anything more than the objective fact. She would not accept my reasons, and I would not insist on it either. She might leave me the next time I meet with bitter tears, or may sob over the phone.

But the remedy starts after a day or two. I give a call to her under some excuse or other, and this time she would be surprised, or I might suddenly drop in at her house and tell her that on my way to some place I felt like dropping in. That is enough to break the ice. The hurt feeling is sure to melt at that very gesture, when she realizes that after all, I am not all that bad! This however does not give me freedom to be insensitive to the feelings of others. I need to keep my eyes and ears open, so that I don't cause pain in others, even involuntarily, because when I cause pain in others, I too am indirectly affected by it. When I am the cause of joy in another, that contagious joy affects me too, though positively!

Cheers!

I wonder if there is any society in the world that does not indulge in certain amount of excess with regard to alcohol. The wonders that a peg of whiskey or brandy, or even harmless beer can do to dispirited souls is known to everyone, and if ever I try to articulate the sentiments of these men and women, I would only fail miserably. Just a peg of whiskey is all that is required to transport a person to an altogether different world, free from the worries of the world. What a relief from the world of pain and suffering! One would not mind even paying a big price for it!

If there are people whose lives are heavily laden with burdens and sufferings they cannot bear, and take shelter with alcohol, then we might think it can be justified; but what if there are people who have no extraordinary pain or suffering they need to forget, and yet seek after bottles, just for the heck of it? When these become a compulsive habits which cannot be stopped at will, one is on the road to ruin, and he or she may then start counting the number of years or months that is given him or her. The harmful effects are known to everyone on earth except the people who are to know them.

The Santal tribals believe that ricebeer, which is home-brewed has divine origin, and it is said in Mare Hapramko Reak Katha, that Maran Buru taught his grandchildren the divine art of preparing handipaura, and that is the reason why even today a Santal would not take the first sip of the brewed ricebeer, without first spilling three drops on the ground, offering the first drink to Maran Buru, hapramko and the household spirits. But how has this divine drink come to be one of the most important and devastating problems of the Santal community is an issue worth considering.

I may not be able to say clearly what pleasure people get out of drinking alcohol, especially if it becomes a compulsive habit, and in order to remain normal they have to take a few pegs. A month ago, I was shocked to see one of my cousin brothers, who though blind, was managing a wine shop, but over the years himself became a victim of it, and when I went to visit him last month, I could not recognize him. He had been taken to my cousin sister’s place, in order to put him in a deaddiction centre; but they could not contain him, without half a bottle of wine, his body was shivering, and the was restless, almost out of his mind. They had to purchase a few bottles from the neighboring town, in order to bring him to normalcy.

I don’t know how many years or months my cousin brother will survive, and now that he has reached such a stage that without it, he cannot be normal, my cousin sisters feel that he could continue to live the life he had been living all these years, and die with the bottle. It is too late to redeem him, it appears. But the story is the same with many families, in every village and town. There are very few villages and towns in the country which is not touched by the liquor. There are alternatives to this, but no safe equivalent which can really replace the effect that alcohol creates. There is however one way how the people who are addicts can be helped, with love and care, which can keep them at arm’s length from seeking the momentary pleasure of the bottle.

Art of Listening - Body

It is obvious that the person who does not listen to his/her inner self, cannot listen to nature and to other persons. The art of listening needs to start with us, and we need to go through the process of fine-tuning not only our sensibilities, but also our priorities. When a person begins to hear less due to old age, or due to any other ailment, the doctors may provide a hearing aid; but there is a process through which this person has to go through in order to make the best of the electronic device: first of all, the hearing aid has to be tuned according to the specific problem of the person. But that does not solve the problem; when the person starts to use the aid, he/she begins to hear all the noises, the wind, the fan; all the noises are amplified, including the sound of persons. And here begins the tedious and painstaking process of sorting out sounds from noises. That is what we need to undertake before we become good listeners.

After Windows became a household name in all offices, one of the catch-words that went rounds was 'multi-tasking'; that is to say, the computer can do several works simultaneously. You may be typing a letter, while the printer is printing yet another document, and song may be being played. It is only the human mind which is capable of multi-tasking. When we are reading, not all of us pay attention to what we read; while listening to another person, only part of our attention is given to the speaker, while the mind is elsewhere. This can create a lot of problem in getting the best out of our efforts. At least when we are with human persons, we may need to avoid multi-tasking, and give our full selves to the person, because persons deserve our full attention.

It is a problem, because it is not that easy to give our full attention to what we are busy with; our minds are too fickle, and we may find ourselves helpless before the mind. But it is not impossible to control our minds, in order to focus our attention to what we want to. That requires training, tuning, even fine-tuning. There is a need to sift the different sounds that reach our minds, taking the ones that need our concentration, and throwing out the unwanted noise. In communication process as proposed by Strauss, between the speaker and the receiver is there a medium, but over and above the medium is a noise, which is caused by the external circumstances, and this may distort the message that is being communicated. We need to reduce the noise, so that we don't need to strain ourselves to get the message.

We cannot remove the noise that the mind presents (the excuse often is that the world is full of different noises), unless we take a dip into our inner selves, and that journey can sometimes be arduous and painful. One may come to know certain bitter truths, which had been kept hidden for several years; some of the hidden motives and agenda may pop up during the process, and it may be quite embarrassing to the person concerned, to find a not-so healthy self. But every growth process is painful; it is only after pruning that a plant can grow larger, and bear more fruits. If we are afraid of the pain that is intrinsic in any growth process, then we may have stunted growth, and should be happy with partial reality that our senses present.

We can enter into our inner selves only through the body, the senses, feelings and emotions. Therefore we shall need to start with a deep awareness of our body, how it responds to different impulses, responses. I find a quiet place, where no one will disturb me for the next five to ten minutes. I take a comfortable pasture, so that I don't move my body parts during the next few minutes; close my eyes in order to gain better concentration. This is going to be an exercise on the body. I start from the head; how do I feel, feel its weight, feel the strains and tensions on the forehead; move to each of the body parts: from forehead to the eyes, eye brows, nose, lips, chin, ears... Let me move slowly becoming aware of the different parts of my body. I will not try to change them, but just become aware of them. During the day, I will try to repeat this exercise once or twice, in order to become conscious of my body. Slowly my body may open its gates, for me to enter into the inner self!

Called to be Fully Human

One of the blessings of modern times is that we have become numb to all existential reality; our hearts have turned solid that it is hard to say it is made up of flesh and blood. Our sensitivity to human feelings and sentiments has gone awry, and what we are today is just a passing phenomena, which does not affect anyone whatsoever. Is it not this reality that we witness each day in our surroundings? It is not rarely that we come come across incidents when crowds had stood around a dying person, not one of them moving his/her finger to help the dying person. We all want to be safe, and do not want to soil our hands. We cannot think of running to the police station, after trying to save a person; we all want to say, it is none of my business.

I find it hard to accept that the modern men and women have forgotten to have a hearty laughter, a hearty meal, a enjoyable evening. The golden rays of the morning sun is too harsh for their sensitive eyes, that they have to protect their eyes with Ray-ban, or dark glasses. The soothing drops of the first rains are too hard for them to bear that they cannot think of getting drenched in the rain on purpose. Sometimes I would like to ask myself, when is the last time that I listened to the song of a bird, or gazed at the sky and counted the stars; or when is it that I chased the flight of a bird in the evening sky. When is it last that I fixed my eyes on the laughter of a new born child!

These are nature's great gifts to humanity, these are magical moments which can touch even the hardest of hearts. If we do not want to be touched by the Midas touch in nature, then what is life on earth worth? Our lives are so full of artificial, look-alike machines, which have replaced nature's role in our lives. Our contact with nature's world (natural world!) has become so minimal that we can be within the four walls of a room for days on end, without ever bothering to venture into the open fields to realize the vastness of the sky, and the music of the waters or birds.

Our lives have become so very artificial and monotonous that we do everything routine like, without even feeling, sensing. Our eyes have lost their vision, and today we don't see reality as it is, but see only what we want to see; our ears today hear only selectively, and our bodies feel the touch of only the persons we want to. The gruesome murder or the bloodshed of a neighbor does not make us to shed a tear or two; we stand like stones, without seeing, without hearing, without feeling, and maybe when we die, we may die like a stone. Humanity has become immune to pain and pleasure, and what sells today is artificiality. There is no scope for survival for real, and that is where human civilization has taken a U-turn.

I realize that I cannot be insensitive or immune to what is happening all around me. I want to be active and alive to the reality, of which I am an integral part of. I want to enter into the world I belong to, and give myself fully. I want to see the beauty around, I want to hear the music of the birds, or the insects, or the whistling of the breeze; i want to soothe my ears with the roaring of the ocean. I wish to feel the gentle breeze passing through by skin, I want to smell the soil after the first rain, smell the rains, smell the skin of my spouse. I pause for a while today, and close my eyes and reactivate all my senses. I would like to take time to be fully alive to the world that beckons me to be part of itself. Let me see myself transformed into the universe!

Embracing my Shadows (M5)

Father Joe Kunnumpuram of Atmadarshan in Patna, India, has proposed a new way of getting rid of past painful memories, which he calls it as Awareness Meditative Relaxation (AMR) therapy, using which one can try to get out of the memories. After going through the therapy I felt that it may not be entirely scientific and psychological and there are a lot of loopholes in the design of the therapy, but what is important here is that a person with painful memories is led to re-live that experience, and feel the pain, humiliation and shame to the maximum level possible, and feel the bodily reaction to such zenith of pain and shame; then they are led to relax their bodies, until they experience a different kind of bodily sensation, and that may make a lot of difference in the way the memories may appear to them. The method that is proposed here is the one of embracing one’s shadows, instead of running away from them. This is based on the common notion that we give power to the people or things we are frightened of. Let us delve a little deep into this mystery, that may help us take control over ourselves.

It is not enough to recognize a shadow in me, or an enemy wandering in the woods of my heart and often frightening me, putting me to shame and humiliation that I feel often annoyed and irritated with my colleagues for no reason. Our journey to freedom surely begins with recognition, but we cannot stop there; that is just the beginning of the journey, we need to move ahead. The second and more important stage is embracing the shadows, until a moment when I cannot see them as something or someone there outside of me, but something that is part of me. I can control that which is in me or within me, but may not be able to do the same when it is out of me. It is important that we embrace the shadows, instead of settling scores with them. The very word embrace carries with it sentiments of empathy, compassion and a lot of understanding. I am not to blame myself or any one else for the painful memories that I am still carrying; not even myself is fully responsible for what had happened. That is how things had taken place, and I or others had no control over it.

Therefore my concern here and now is how I am going to get out of them peacefully and amicably, without picking quarrels with any one for what had happened. No blame game can bring peace and tranquility in my heart and cure me fully of the memories. This part of the exercise concerns me and only me, here I do not need to seek any kind of help or assistance from others. In simple terms, here I am to recognize the memories and tell myself that I or others had no control over what had happened, but now I would like to get out of these of my own accord. This incident has caused a lot of pain and shame in my life, and has become my second self or nature, so I wholeheartedly accept it as myself and incorporate it into my life.

Much of the time we are not able to get out of these memories, because we often see others as responsible for what had happened, and therefore we cannot forgive them. We carry a lot of hatred and vengeance for them, whether they are dead or alive, whether they are living nearby or far away, whether they are in friendly terms or not in talking terms. Embracing our shadows necessarily means that for the sake of my peace, I need to let the other persons go free; but I am not giving them a clean chit, telling they are not responsible for what had happened, but I only let them go, because I want my peace again. This is more difficult in the case of people who had gone through a horrifying incident many many years ago. It may take quite some time for these people to heal all those years slowly and steadily. But if the process begins, we can take it for granted that the journey is half done.

How do I begin to embrace my shadows? Every shadows have their brighter side too. Let me not start with the shadows from their darker side, rather let me begin from the brigher side. If you look at a candle, you will see that there is darkness just below the candle, but just above the shadow, there is light. Let me find at least one good point about the person involved in my painful memory; if I am able to see more than one good point which I would generally admire, then I stay with that quality for a while, when I feel somewhat happy about the person. Let me be clear that I am not justifying whatever he/she had done, nor am I letting that person go scot free; I am only readying to free myself from his/her clutches. Let me dwell on the good quality of the person/s as long as I can, and see how much body feels about the person; sometimes it is possible that the very thought of the person repels me, in which case I will have to let my mind get hold of something that may positively bring my mind to think about his/her good qualities. Let me look at his/her face, speak to him/her, and listen too. Now, let me not immediately jump into looking at the darker side of the event / incident. I finish the exercise there, and you may think that I have not completed the exercise. But that has been done purposely, so that my mind may linger on what I had been thinking about, and it may have an invisible effect on me.

Painful Publicity Plan (M4)

Believe it or not, one of the best things that painful memories are terribly frightened of is publicity, in the best sense of the word. The more a memory is shared, the less effective it becomes, and slowly it may even have a natural death. You may find it hard to believe, but I have seen that the more I began to safeguard certain secret painful memories, they only began to exert more power and control over me, until one day when I had to surrender myself to their dominion. But the very moment, when I started to share these memories with certain people, the memories slowly faded away, until one day when I was fully freed from their control. However, the process of getting out of the seeming insecurity by releasing the painful memories for public consumption may make us nervous and ever uneasy, but the joy of care-fronting them can make a lot of difference in the way we handle such memories.

Anyone who has gone through some bitter memories in the past is sure to agree with me that we all wish to treasure these memories, and would seldom like to indulge in sharing about them with a close friend or associate. According to the seriousness and severity of the memories, our efforts to safeguard them from public knowledge will differ. We may not like to share with even the best of friends and associates those events in the past that involved tremendous amount of shame and humiliation. We cannot disclose certain aspects of our lives to anyone on earth. In fact these memories add a lot of burden to our already heavily-laden psychological luggage. We also feel that we cannot throw some of this baggage, even when we know we can live a peaceful, joyful life without carrying this unnecessary baggage. Some of us are happy to carry these needless burdens until we reach our graves, and a few of us even carry them to the coffins. Maybe today we can make a little effort to get rid of these painful memories, because we cannot be happy without being divorced from them.

Three things happen when we disclose a highly guarded secret painful memory to a trustworthy friend or senior person: one, the memory loses its hold on us, two, we give just the worth the memories deserve, and are in a sense begin to free ourselves from their control, and three, we realize that we can jolly well be happy without carrying them on our hearts. But you may wonder, to whom could I go and confide about these memories, the very thought of which brings a shiver in me, and I dread thinking, leave alone sharing, about them. If I am frightened of talking about it to someone, then at least let me give hints to the other / others that I had an event in the past that had shaken up my life. And if I find a suitable moment has come for me to “throw” out the bitter memories, then it would do me good, if I am able to do that.

Here the focus is not the other person; in fact the other person has no serious role to play, but to act as the sound board; he/she may or may not say anything to me after I narrate the event in great detail. But the focus here is myself; even if the other person is partly deaf and blind, it does not matter, so long he/she is able to respond to me adequately well. At the end of narrating the memories, I may find myself sweating… (depending on the gravity of the memory), and that is one of the natural ways how the earth ejects the unwanted elements, not merely the sweat, but also the memories. The other person need not give you a long lecture on what you should have done or what others should have done; that is not the intention of this chitchat. They may something or not; what is important is I am able to pour myself out to the other person, and that may lighten up my heart.

So, here is my assignment for the day: first let me bring before my eyes the one or two most painful memories that keep haunting me night and day, and think of one or two persons, who truly love and care for me, and with whom I can stand stark naked, without a bit of shame or fear. These people are the kind who would accept me as I am, unconditionally. Whether it is a male or female, young or old, I need not worry; ultimately what they will say in return to my open-heart sharing is not as important as how I am able to clear the bin. The stench may be unbearable for me, but I know that the other person who is listening to me is entering into my memory to clean my heart and make me whole again. Once I have shared my painful memories for the first time, let me experience the burden light and an ease in my heart, which I had not experienced in the past few years, ever since the event took place. But let me also remind myself that this is not the end of my disclosure of the events; I may come across a few more people with whom I may be able to open up myself, and openly and frankly pour out myself. After a few times of sharing about them, I am sure to realize that it is within my power and authority to live with them or to bid adieu forever.

Harken the Physician (M3)

Often in life we are aware of the ailments that drown us, and we may even be aware of the remedies that can bring our health to perfection once again, but the problem is invariably taking recourse to the treatment, which involves medicines. There are a large section of people, especially those who live in far-flung villages of a nation, where people believe in the miraculous power of medicine that they will not be healed until they are administered medicines. So the local physicians have devised a method of helping them heal themselves. There were people who gave them vitamin tablets for most of their psychosomatic illnesses, and sure enough they got well soon. Those who believed that they cannot get well without an injection, were given an injection containing nothing but sterilized water. So, we may ask ourselves what caused healing of these people, the medicine given them or they themselves? Sure it was they themselves who have cured themselves. The second question that we may ask is : were they sick at all?

Carrying an unwanted bitter memory is an illness that can be equated to cancer; just like cancerous cells keep spreading gradually, so also a painful memory can slowly eat up one’s life spirit and energy, and ultimately can even throw him/her to the throws of death. We have seen that often in life, we carry with us memories that cannot be easily gotten rid of; they are like our shadows which walk with us until we breathe our last. But if we are frightened of shadows, there is a way – to hide in darkness, so that we do not allow shadows to stand before or after us. The second alternative is to avoid the source of light and remain in a bigger shade, like the shade of a tree or a building. In the latter case, our mighty little shadow may be absorbed by the mighty shadow.

Let us consider the second solution to avoid con/care-frontation with our shadows – remember that I am using the shadows to refer to our painful memories! There is so much similar between our shadows and painful memories; both can be frightening and intimidating, and they can throw us into nightmares and sleepless nights. We could pause for a while and just close our eyes and briefly recollect the painful memory that we have gone through. The greater shadow that can possibly give us some consolation is what could have taken place, beyond what had actually happened. In other words, we have been spared from the worst; worse things could have happened! Just think of it and see in the mind, what worse thing could have happened to me; I have lost something substantial, but all is not lost! I still have myself to put back the things that I have lost.

Another great shadow that can make my shadow negligible is to think of persons who have gone through similar painful experiences in life, or even worse situations; if they were able to get back to life, can I not overcome this comparatively smaller mess? Often the memories appear mighty big, because we look at them in isolation, and not in comparison with those of others. Most of the time we would realize that our experience had been far simpler and less painful than others; in many cases we have been spared from the most horrendous experiences, and should I not be grateful to God for this kindness?

So let me close my eyes for a while and recollect in my mind the persons who have suffered for more loss and pain than I have gone through; what is my suffering and pain in comparison with these people who have lost something that can never be repaired! If I have lost one leg in an accident, let me think of a person who has lost both the legs; should I not be grateful to my stars for sparing me one leg at least, so that I can still walk on the face of the earth? If I keep doing this exercise, it will not take me too long to realize that I cannot complain about my little pain or suffering, while there are people who had suffered more loss and pain, and have been able to revert back to life, like a spring that shoots back to its natural stage, after being left. Let me see my painful memory and the corresponding incidents that had caused in relation to and comparisons with more painful memories of other people, whom I know. There I can see a silver line shining brightly!

Physician, heal thyself! (M1)

The present-day physicians will pounce on Jesus, if they were told this apparent naïve statement, because it is a known fact in medical circles that self-medication is dangerous, even if it is meant for the physicians themselves. But let us not blame Jesus for this naïve statement, because Jesus is merely quoting the Jewish sacred scriptures. You may blame me, for here I am going to propose a psycho-spiritual method of healing one’s past painful memories. There are no dearths for the different ways and means to get rid of one’s painful memories and start life anew; there are psychological procedures which help a person to heal the wounds gradually through a process of recognizing and embracing the shadows. We shall however start a process of psycho-spiritual healing of these wounds, which might be causing us dearly. But before we embark on that journey, let us realize that the resources for healing of our wounds are there in us all the time. We only need to know how to harness these resources for our inner healing.

There is so much of power and energy all around us that we seldom take note of this fact; there is energy in different forms and shapes, often without form and shape. But there is greater amount of energy that is flowing through our veins, through our mental rays, if I may coin a phrase to mean the invisible rays that flow from one mind to another, through a non-verbal communication; call it telepathy or bi-location, it is possible for human beings to transcend the physical body using the powers that lie dormant in our bodies and make use of them to enter deeper into the psyche of the universe. You may not have much to disagree with me regarding this point, because there are instances when we see for ourselves how the body organizes its cells, its resistance power to heal itself of ailments that normally attack us. There are virus attacks, and complications in the organization of our body parts, and slowly the body adjusts itself and brings into healing. Is it not a wonderful thing that we can be fully healed of stomach aches, headaches, and even some major kind of sicknesses without taking recourse to medicine?

Unfortunately there are no do-it-yourself guides or tutorials as to how we can make use of the powers and energy zones that are available in our bodies, in order to overcome our painful memories. There is no super computer on earth which is as flexible and supple as the worst of human bodies; for while the body is able to carry out mechanical jobs, it also adjusts its mechanism in order to make the best out of the body. Today is the time for me to recognize the energy zones in my body, so that at will I may be able to take recourse to it. But the bad news is no one can tell me for sure where my energy zone is; is it the brain or the heart? Or is it the hands or the feet? And another thing to remember is what is the energy zone for one may not be the same for another. It is for me to realize where it exists in me. The bestseller The Secret has shown us that our body is able to cure itself of cancer, and that too within a short period. It may sound miraculous, but it is a miracle that we too can experience.

The energy zones that reside in me is something very unique to me; I can neither qualify it nor quantify it, because it is beyond my grasp. According to Kundalini yoga, there are energy zones in each of us, and that particular part is supposed to be somewhere near the forehead. We would not enter into a debate as to whether it is scientifically true or not; nor can we deny the ancient wisdom altogether. It would be a futile effort to spend our time and energy on the common energy zone in all of us. We may start with the assumption that this zone may vary from person to person, according to one’s own psyche, formation and upbringing. If it corresponds to each of our nature and behavioral pattern is another area we will look into at the end of the exercise.

Today I would like to take a few minutes to spend in silence. I will find a quiet place anywhere within my reach, in order to enter into inner silence. Surely exterior silence will help me to enter into interior stillness too. After sitting comfortably with my back straight, I will become conscious of my breathing… cool air entering into my nostrils, filling my diaphragm, and warm air coming out. Let me breathe in till my lungs are full, and breathe out slowly and steadily. Let me experience the chest heaving and falling back in place as I breathe in and out. Let it go on for a few minutes. Then let me go to each part of my body, starting from the head down to the toes, relaxing each of the tensed up part. I may tighten up that part and loosen it and experience the part relaxed. When I have covered all the parts, I will realize that my whole body is relaxed. Let me feel life energy flowing through each part of my body; if it helps, I may think of the energy flowing as if it were lightning rays… as it flows it also revitalizes each of the part. Let me remain in that state for a few minutes. This experience is sure to open the floodgates of energy within me, and make it accessible to me, whenever I am in need of it.

Memories sans Morality

We are back to our memories - one of the most powerful tools that nature has either to revitalise a drooping spirit, or maim an energetic soul. It is a reality that often we have very little control, and memories can be the most precious treasure or the worst enemy of my life, depending on what past has stored for me. We have acknowledged that often in life we are imprisoned by our memories, and feel quite helpless unable to get out of them, however hard we may try. Memories are the last resort one may in order to keep alive something that is lost for ever, and even such memories may slowly fade into oblivion as time passes. In fact, according to psychology, memory is an organism's mental ability to store, retain and recall information, and they would often divide memory into short term and long term memories.

Short-term memory allows one to recall something from several seconds to as long as a minute without rehearsal. Its capacity is also very limited and may even be faulty. By contrast, long-term memory can store much larger quantities of information for potentially unlimited duration (sometimes a whole life span). Here we deal with long-term memories, which last a whole life, and have greater impact on us. We shall not enter into a theoretical analysis of how information or data is transferred from short-term to long-term memory, and how they are slowly solidified and stores, so that we could have access to them at will. But we understand that it is a process that takes place each day, without out being conscious of it, and thank God it is automated, much of our energy is saved for other things.

But let us face it! We cherish every moment of pleasant memories, and wish to run away from the painful memories; we are all too frightened of the painful memories, especially those of the loss of the dear one or that which has caused something very grave in life. Think of a moment when a person was on the jaws of death; or a moment when a young lady has been assaulted physically by a group of strange people; or an instance when one witnessed the gruesome killing of the closest family member by some one known. The very moment we think of the incident or memory, we begin to sweat, and our body immediately reacts naturally and automatically. Our heart beats faster. Sometimes people who have gone through such moments are provided psychological help, basically through counselling to break open the prison walls of the memory.

It is a joy to spend hours together recollecting the joyful moments of the past, but not so with the painful memories. One may gain a lot of strength from re-living the past joyful moments, while one may feel agitated and shaken by the painful memories; one may even be impelled to do something socially unacceptable due to these memories. The consequences at times could be quite tragic and destructive. It is like a room that is full of these moments stacked up deep within me, and at particular moments I hear some strange noise from this room and am frightened. And this may happen over a long stretch of time, and I may be frightened each time to open the room and confront what that noise mean to me.

Memories in themselves are neutral and indifferent, it is I who attribute a certain quality to these memories, as joyful and painful ones. Today I look at the most important memories that strike my mind more often, and look at them objectively without attributing any quality to them. It is only when we attribute qualities as joyful or painful memory that they will have a corresponding reaction on the body. But that is not what we desire for now. Let us look at them as objective reality that I was subjected to. No judgement or no moralization. Just the memory sans morality. Stay with it for as long as I can, even if I have the urge to get out of them and find back my escape routes to find my comfort zones. Let me also realise the unseen, invisible presence of the entire humanity standing by my side to hold me, support me. That is where I may find my way back home!

Maimed by Memories

One of the most treasured privileges given to humanity is the faculty of memory; it is said certain animals are also endowed with the capacity to re-member, but none can compete with the human beings. Memory is the faculty that relates the past with the present, and similarly relating future too with the present. It is the live wire that passes through every event or incident that one goes through. Once memory fails, a person becomes almost a vegetable. But think of an instance, when memory becomes the most painful reality one has to face in life; memories of the past, to be precise. In other words, when a person is imprisoned by the most painful, most excruciating memories of the past, there is very little that can be done to release the person and let him/her live in the present.

Every moment of the past is encapsulated in the memory, and strangely our memory is able to re-play the past in life-like fashion, transporting a person in time and space to the past events and incidents - to see, hear and feel the presence of the individuals involved. Unfortunately our science has not advanced sufficiently to provide access to the memory of persons other than the one possessing it. When we have such an access to the memory capsules, then probably we will device mind-right, something similar to copyright and patents. I also foresee technology that can go back in time to see, hear and sense a particular moment in the life of a person, all using mind-mapping technology. But let us leave such scientific advancements to scientists and get down to what the memory does to us in real life situations.

It will not be wrong if I were to say that memory can enliven the life of a person who has lost his closest family people; it can also leave something indelible in the heart of a person who wishes to 'forget' the most painful event of one's life. But today I am confronted with a basic question : can I ever be able to get out of the prisons of memory, so that I am able to relate to the present as it is presented to me, without being colored by the past, or being anticipated by the future. We know that every moment of the present is the outcome of the past, and is the preparation for the future, because we live in a time-continuum, which swiftly flows from one moment to another. It is actually the human mind that slices time for our convenience. It is possible to break free from the prisons of memory.

But a more important reality that I need to accept and acknowledge today is that I am a prisoner of my memories, whether good or bad, and it bewitches me whether I like or not. In other words, I have very little control over how each moment of the present is translated, or to use the computer vocabulary, encoded into the memory; it happens all by itself, without my being aware of it. But that is not bad in itself. So, let me realise that I cannot run away from the memories, but there are ways that may help one cope with them. While memories often try to imprison and control me, I may also try to control how it affects me.

Today I pause for a while and think of some of the most important memories which haunts me day in day out. In other words, can I think of a memory or two which constantly flash on my mind and disturb me - it has to be one of the most important moments of my life, which has in a sense shaped my destiny. Let me become aware of such memories, and be conscious of them. If it helps, I may also put it in a notebook, for me to look into at a later time. No, don't do anything with it for now, just become aware of it. It may be the moment when you lost your dear one, due to your negligence, or a guilt feeling that you allowed your dear one to die; one of the phrases that may come to my mind during this moment is this : If only I... Once this is done, then I am sure I am on my way to free myself from the clutches or the prison of my memories!