Seeking Self

I am selfish, and let me not pretend that I am selfless, because it would not take more than a minute of dealing with me to realize how selfish I am, and I do not feel bad about it at all. In fact, this is one thing which is so very common to all of human race, big and small, young and old, men and women. Maybe selfishness is the trademark of humanity, and if you don’t believe in it, all that you need to do is to put the person in a situation where there is a need to struggle for survival. To fulfill one’s personal need is the primary concern of every person; the safeguard and protect one’s body, mind, spirit, and the security of one’s future, all form part of that search for one’s survival in the midst of decay and death, and how can I be exempted from this rule of life?

It may sound non-sense, but one has to constantly defend one’s position, even to the extent of justifying one’s wrongdoings and crimes, in order to strengthen his/her own survival. There are not too many takers for the new law of die-to-live rule of Jesus, and even most of his disciples may think twice to apply this golden rule to their personal lives. But that is how the world operates, and all those who would stand against the world may have to feel the wrath of untimely death or prolonged agony. But if that be the case, am I not constantly fighting with the world to protect my own skin, even if I had exhibited my meanness and hardcore selfishness through daily actions? To acknowledge one’s defeat and mistakes is sure to cast a shadow on every tomorrow, and affect my future days.

True awakening can take place in me only when I begin to become conscious of the rottenness that I have landed myself into, and feel an urgent necessity to get out of the rut. Until I get the stench filling my entire body and mind, I may not feel the necessity to own up what I truly am. In such a situation, I may not like anyone else to remind me what kind of person I am; in fact, when someone else might try to instruct me who I truly am, my spontaneous reaction may be to protect myself in public, even if I am ready to acknowledge my commissions and omissions in private. Transformation can take place only when the awakened mind can vouch to turn a new leaf.

But the world is blessed with more than its own share of people who are professional “naggers”, who can quicken the untimely death of normal, sane people, and such a kind of people are not easy to live with. We also come across people who can play the role of catalysts to quicken the process of awakening and the subsequent transformation, and the voice of such people can hardly be heard, because in their case, more than their lips, their hearts speak louder, and they can effect change in others through their very presence, and may not require to go after people to mend their ways. This only requires that the people who struggle to come to terms with their own ugly selves (in fact, all sane men and women go through this process at some time or other) should have enough time to go through the process.

Behind the virtue of patience with the people who struggle to turn a new leaf, is the greater virtue of compassion; it is this virtue which makes one to look at one’s own image in the other person, as if the other person becomes a mirror to become conscious of one’s own shortcomings. Compassion can smash the hardest hearts, melt the strongest metals, and there is nothing that cannot bend its brow before genuine act of compassion. It is a Godly gift, which cannot be bought or sold, but it has to germinate in our hearts, grow to maturity, and when it is in full bloom, there will be several birds of the air coming to take shelter in its shade! That may be a moment of celebration, when all can rejoice forgetting the narrow selfish boundaries, each one crisscrossing with the personal boundaries of others. That is indeed a moment to celebrate!

Flash of Lightning

I didn't know it would happen so soon. It took hardly two hours for my friend who had "doubted" my openness and transparency to return with a 'sorry'. One might think that only proves that I am partly innocent of what she was 'accusing' me of, but in reality it brought to fore something else too. Over the years I had known that my friend was quite frank and open, and does not keeping anything to her heart. She confided with me that she did not think that she would talk about these things, and it somehow popped out of her lips. And she was not even fully aware of what she was talking about!

She was profusely sorry for what she had told me, though quite inadvertently! She told me that if only she had known this would be the consequences of speaking her mind, she would have kept her mouth shut! I realized that at the end she was more disturbed and shattered than I was. Over the phone, I could hear her sob, and I really don't know how many times she said sorry! I was not in need of her sorry, she knew that, because in close relationships these things do happen, and one need not wait for the other person to ask pardon; certain things are not to be taken to heart, and I did not take too seriously what she had told me.

But she could not believe that she dared to disturb my mind at a time when I wanted to have some quiet moment. This time I had to give her assurance that all would be fine after a few hours. After all, the mind needs some time to let things cool down, and at least partially erase some of the painful memories. Given her nature, she would mull over this issue the whole of night, and today I can almost be sure she would say she did not have good sleep, because she was haunted by the painful memories of yesterday. Just as I needed sometime, she also would require some time to assure herself that we are not fully in control over ourselves all the time.

I would not be too quick to brand this entire episode as a typical commonplace 'misunderstanding'! No, I would look at it as a lightning moment, which is powerful and help both of us take a second look at each other as to what our expectations about the other are, and if we are able to fulfill them or not. In a lasting relationship, such moments as this can open up either the Pandora's box, or the dirt under the carpet; in either case, it is sure to have an impact on the future course of the relationship, and I often look at these seemingly painful moments, as part of the growth process. It is time for pruning, and the process is painful for sure!

I know that what had come out of the lips of my friend, even without her knowing it, cannot be sidelined as unjust allegation; no person with a little love for me can ever do that! The lightning flash has shown me a dark corner of her heart, and it is for me to ponder over this, and dispel the darkness! It may take me months or years to do this, or it may continue to remain in her heart for ages, despite my many attempts at working on it. Or there may be another lightning flash which may dispel that darkness and make us see each other as we truly are, and not as the one's with an inaccessible secret corner in the heart!

Defreezing Depression

When on e of my closest friends sent an SMS to me saying she had been feeling lonely and was undergoing certain kind of depression, I shuddered and shivered. This are two words that I would not like to hear from my friends (not that there are no other word making my blood to clot – cancer, my sister had gone through the pain of it, and heart-attack, my sister losing her husband due to it, are quite foreboding even today)! If only we realize the causes of depression and loneliness, and what they could lead one to, we cannot take such feelings lightly. At some time or other, even the most joyous of people experience such fleeting moments and depending on how they handle such feelings, they may get out of them, or move from bad to worse.

Believe it or not, loneliness is the patrimony of the modern generation. Time has become the most expensive commodity in the business world, and human relations the biggest casualty. There are more and more objects of pleasure entering our malls and supermarkets to keep us on our toes 24x7. Keep our toes, did I say? Precisely! We find it hard to sleep for a few hours continuously – cat’s nap is what keep many business people and high-class people going, though their life-span is shortened considerably due to negligence of their health. Each one in the world is slowly turned into a microcosm of himself, herself, with no one to give company. What we are left with are a few electronic and digital gadgets, who have replaced our grandmas and grandpas, even papas and mamas. Relating to machines is quite different from persons. Feeling lonely is the by-product of market economy: and this is a problem that needs to be nibbed already at the bud.

If we have to do a survey of the number of persons going through acute to chronic depression these days, we would be shocked to know that the number is alarmingly high, and is always on the rise. There are more and more cases of suicides among the affluent and the so-called high-classes in society. What makes them resort to such cowardly acts of ending their lives? For one thing, they often feel they are left alone to face the endless row of problems and complex situations beyond their capacity. They lose all hope in their friends and neighbors, and the world becomes a bitter reality they can hardly bear. They feel they would be happier to end their lives – by whatever means! But are there alternative ways by which they can help themselves and look at life with a different vision?

Of course there are ways and means of overcoming the feelings of loneliness and depression. No one on earth is so unfortunate not to have even a single person in the universe with whom he/she does not have a very close relationship. It is not necessarily that husbands will always have their wives as their closest confidantes, and the opposite may also be true. As soon as a fleeting feeling of loneliness and depression surfaces, we need to call such people and pour ourselves out. Keeping such feelings within may be dangerous and it may even lead to undesirable consequences. Secondly to keep oneself busy with the kind of things one is fond of; the idea is not give any scope to be idle, for it is an idle mind which plots against life. Thirdly, watch comics and humorous films on the television or video, and laugh with the characters, and this will ease things out a little. Make sure to stack a few top humorous comedies of Charlie Chaplain and Laurel & Hardy in your cupboard.

If you don’t have people with whom you could confide, don’t worry; just walk into a nearby garden and speak to the trees and grass, flowers and leaves. Pour yourself to them, and you may listen to their thin voice, and you will realize that they are indeed good friends. Or look at a bird sitting on a branch of a tree and strike a conversation with it, and it may have a sweet message of friendship for you. Or speak to the clouds, or the Sun, the moon… every created reality around you. Probably it will not take you too long to realize that you are no longer alone in this vast universe, all are there with you, by your side. If you realize this, then you will also feel that you have the wellsprings of life running from your heart, and you had not paid your attention to it so far! Now is the wake up call to fall back on these wellsprings of life!