Freedom to be

For the last few days, I had been asking myself : What do I seek in a relationship, and value the most? No, it is not the cozy feeling that I am safe and secure in the loving embrace of a friend, who would stand by me in thick and thin, nor the comfortable feeling that when I am down my friend will cheer me up and boost my morale, nor give himself or herself completely in order to reach the goal I had set for myself. All these things are there in a relationship, but I feel deep down what I seek in a relationship is the freedom to be myself, knowing absolutely sure that I would not be intimidated, I would not be rejected for being what I am, or even pooh-poohed because I do not come up to the expectations of the person I am relating to.

It is not that I have been experiencing a smooth sail in all instances of initiating, establishing and going through relationships with different persons down the years; some relationships caught me unawares, because they grew out naturally and spontaneously; there were no exertions, or unnecessary coaxing from either party to make it work. Such were the relationships I knew were going to last longer than the initial euphoria that many of the relationships pose. Sometimes even deeper relationships became bitter, when the sugar-coating was gone, and when we began to step into raw selves, and it was hard for both to come to terms with each other, and make a sincere effort to accept the other as s/he was.

There is a hidden fear in me to be what I am in the company of people who may not wish me to be what I truly am. Often I am expected to dress myself according to the moral code set by the society, according to the high expectations that many in my company have on me, and so ultimately I end up being something or someone other than what I am, and that is a painful experience. I am aware that there are grey areas in me, which the people living around me, and sometimes the people who love and care for me, do not wish to see. The social and cultural taboos cannot be exhibited in public, and there is the child in me who cries out to see the light of day; it may be quite different from what my friends may wish, but that is me, my true self.

I remember occasions when a close friend of mine was shocked to get a glimpse of my true self; oh no! she exclaimed, and at that moment I know this is not what my friend was looking for from me. Just like a turtle which pulls in its head under its hard shell, I have to keep my head under the shell, so that no one can harm me; or if I keep popping up my head outside, I may not know when one or other person would deliberately or inadvertently stamp on me. There were times I had scandalized my friends, because I was trying to be my true self; sometimes my friends advised me to “behave” myself, because I carried an identity which did not permit me to indulge in certain kinds of behavior.

I am getting used to in shocking and scandalizing people by presenting myself as authentically as I am, and sometimes it is too much for my friends to accept, and they may decide to bid goodbye forever, and I may not deliberately wish to hold them back. I do not say that my true friends should accept all the stupid and idiotic things I do, but they are not shocked when I behave in that manner, and make an effort to slowly make me understand the other layers of my actions, which may pain and agonize them. That is the responsibility I look forward to from my friends, to grant me the freedom to be myself, and slowly open the gates of the hidden self and help me embrace it willingly and joyfully!

Life, the web of relations

There is no other creature on earth which experiences the bond of being related as much as the human beings. We are linked to everything we see in the world; there is a bond of fellowship and fraternity with everything living and dead. Scientists would go all the way to prove that every atom on earth is linked to everything around it; it might be easy for scientists to prove it because the fundamental principle linking everything is the same. It is the same atoms which form myself, which is also found in the most hardcore criminal on earth; the microorganism which I am made of is the same as the one my pet dog is made of. In that case what distinguishes me from my dog is something that could be questioned scientifically, because there are dogs which are cleverer than the human persons(!), and we may come across more intelligent animals in the years to come and that may be the end of the human race.

But if every organism on earth is linked with a web of relations, why is it we behave so queerly often, and even tend to disregard this bond of fellowship. There is a natural tendency to depend on the elders during our childhood days, but as we grow big, we begin to stand on our own feet, as it were, and do not want the elders taking care of us. We would like to show everyone around us that we are mature enough, and can take care of ourselves. That may be one place where we are given too much of independence and freedom that we fail to allow our elders take care of us during our most formative years. There is also an urge within us to be independent so that we need not listen to the dictates of the elders, especially those who boss over us. Every web of relation severed is lost forever and they may never come back to us; this is a harsh reality we seldom understand, and when we might understand it might be too late.

I had chosen the image of a web (more precisely of a spider), because it illustrates beautifully what our lives are like. The bridges between us, the human beings and other organisms is so fragile and weak that they may snap at any time, and when a link is lost that part of the web is unreachable. Every time we disregard relationships and tend to strengthen and fortify our own portals, we are only inviting trouble; it might not be too late for us to realize that our fort may collapse one fine morning because we had not taken to strengthen the edifice. The pillars alone cannot guarantee safety for the building, the edifice has to embrace the pillars to provide the much needed strength and support for the building. We need to build each of the links with the world around, very much like the spider painstakingly builds each one of the segments of the web. And it is only too happy when it completes the web, and joyfully hops from one segment to another, until some external force compels the web to break.

To build a web of relations is not a laborious task for a spider, it is a joyful event; I have noticed that it might take just a night for a spider to weave a decent looking web. When the web needs to be built, it leaves aside everything else, and labors on it, and when the day breaks one can notice that the web is ready, and the golden beams of the sun pass through the web, strengthening the bonds. Just look at the accompanying picture of the web with tiny drops of snow capping the bridges; we can notice that the segments are not strong all through; in some places they are frail and weak, and in some other places they are strong. Indeed that is how our relationships with others take shape. Over the years our relationships may become weak and it may sever someday, when we least expect, if we are not careful.

It is not impossible for one spider to link her web with another web and thus enlarge the circle of relationship; and when the webs grow wider and wider, then we have greater space for relating with others, and we may also enjoy a wider area to build relationships. One cannot assess the quality of relationship with others on the basis of the number of friends and associates one has, but on the basis of the depth of relationship that they enjoy. Even a couple of friends who would stand by my side, especially when I am downcast and find life unbearable, would be far more precious than having a whole lot of friends who may even have the courtesy to call on me to check if I am OK! Today as we look at this beautiful web of spiders, let us weave our own web of relations, so that we shall have greater freedom and accessibility towards everyone we like and love!

Called to Reconcile

Lent is a season of grace, and I found that I had not prepared anything special for this lent, as a way of sharing an insight or two with the people I am committed to share the spiritual insights. So as I gave a thought to what I would like to do during this lent, so that I could share the same with some others. Coincidentally, the theme that had been ringing in my mind for the past couple of days, as I kept turning the pages of The Shack, was on reconciliation. Perhaps this is one of the most important and significant graces that we could seek from God during the season of Lent. To be reconciled and to reconcile! That is it. It might sound quite simplistic, though the implications of this phrase is far reaching and can turn our life topsy-turvy, if only we allow ourselves to be touched and shaped by the power that is within and without.

I said this is one of the most significant graces we could seek during the lent; one would understand why I said, if we recall to mind one of the two formulations the priest utters as he applies ash on the forehead, Repent (which can be paraphrased as ‘Be reconciled’) and believe in the Gospel. It is an occasion for us to turn to God. But some years ago, the 35 General Congregation of the Jesuits talked about the four-fold reconciliation, which I found quite meaningful : Reconciliation with one self, with the neighbors, with the earth and then with God. This is a wonderful chain of relationship which we need to settle, and for that we need to begin with ourselves. Let me briefly present what the four-fold relationship is calling us to, and how we could respond with greater amount of generosity and openness during the lent.

When we talk about reconciliation, most often we tend to look at our relationship with others, as if we are perfectly in peace with ourselves. If we find it hard to be reconciled with our neighbors (and subsequently with the earth and with God), it is probably because we are not in peace with our own selves; there may be several unreconciled aspects, unredeemed casualties, and unmitigated bargains. There are persons who might have hated their bodies after a bitter childhood experience, and the bitterness might be preventing them from being their true selves. I would like to see myself in the place of Lazar, after Jesus resuscitating my life, and I emerging out of the tomb, and I hear Jesus telling me, unbind him and let him go free! This is a difficult and painful task, to free ourselves from all the false security and hope, and take a leap in faith. The quality of our mission as agents of God’s reconciliation depends on the quality of our reconciliation with our own selves.

Reconciliation with our neighbors is the second level, and it obviously is based on the first level, and here we look at others not as separate entities, but as extension of our own selves. If I have great love and appreciation for my own self, then that would also impel me to have the same kind of appreciation and love for my neighbors. In the novel, The Shack, it takes quite a bit of trouble on the part of the Holy Trinity to help Mack be reconciled with the people who had ill-treated him (his father at his childhood) and the man who had caused cruelty to his daughter Missy. One way how we could enter into reconciling with our neighbors is by climbing down from the seats of judgment that we feel comfortable with. When we look at others as weak and fragile human beings, just like our own selves, then it might not be impossible to forgive others and relink the cycle of relationship with them.

The third layer of reconciliation is a notion which is of late in origin; it is only since the past ten to fifteen years that we have begun to look at this area of our need to be reconciled. No human person can claim innocence of what is happening in the world around. Morally each one of us is responsible for the plundering and decimation of the earth and her resources. We have shamelessly defaced the earth, and are already facing the dire consequences of our stupid actions. We need to remember that each and every action of ours has a repercussion on the face of the earth. Reconciling with the earth invites us to honor the responsibility that God had given to the human beings as the custodian of the earth and not to plunder her resources as if she were an object to be used and abused. St Ignatius of Loyola taught us to find the footprints of God in each and every atom of the earth, and Gerard Manly Hopkins found the earth “charged” with God’s presence. It is time that we take a close look at our relationship with the earth, and cement the union if we had caused division.

The fourth layer obviously is oriented towards our reconciliation with God, the master of the universe; this would be possible only when we have reconciled with other three lower levels. No wonder Jesus told his disciples to place their offerings at the altar and first go and be reconciled with those who might have had a grudge against them. The wonder of this level is that if we had been faithful to be reconciled with our broken selves, our errand neighbors and the bruised earth, then God will take the first step to reach us. Did not St Augustine remind us that God is closer to us than we are to him? How do we know that we are reconciled with God, and that God had taken us close to his heart? If we experience certain amount of peace and tranquility deep within us, then these are the signs that God has reconciled us to himself. In fact, this is the only stage where we do not need to do anything to be reconciled with God, because here God takes the first step to be reconciled with us (cf. 2 Cor 5:18).

The four stages complete the full “circle of relationship” that Young talks about in The Shack, and the fourth stage takes us back to the first level, where we are authentic to our own identity as the true children of God, and enables us to look at the other as extensions of ourselves, and to find the footprints of God in nature, and recognizing him as our ultimate yearning and thirst, the one for whom our heart longs for. It is time to make the circle complete by looking into ourselves and making amends.

Needless Network

He was known among familiar circles as a champion of the underdog; if there was one person who dared to speak in support of the domestic support staff and the casual laborers, it is undoubtedly he. However he had a soft spot for two of the families, with whom he had an intimate relationship; the little girl he had seen some years ago, is today a young lady, and the fondness he had for her when she was seven or eight years old, continues to draw him close to her, to support her, be affectionate to her, and this unholy alliance had caused him more than enough trouble for him, and yet he would plough through all of these, and continue to express his allegiance to this family.

In terms of the social status, this family could boast about nothing; the two children, the elder girl and the younger boy, together with their parents formed the happy family. But my friend became the voice of the voiceless family when they were in trouble, and had to fight their way through with the management. Though he was part of the management, and yet he dared to distance himself from the authority and stood at the other side to support them. This betrayal had been frowned upon on several occasions by all the persons concerned, but he was adamant not to give in to the pressure from his peers to forsake the family and show his allegiance to the management.

What had been the cause of his unusual affection to the girl, and through her to the family? It is not easy to answer this question. He should be close to 50, and she should be about 20. Surely it is not a love relationship; one said that the relationship was that of a parent and a child, but such a relationship generally bloom in the midst of orphans, who look for their father or mother figure in others. But when her parents are both hale and hearty, what was she looking for in him? Or to look at the other side of the spectrum, what was he looking for in this girl, apart from her affectionate words, beautiful look? It might remain a mystery all the days to come, and yet it is a reality many are aware of.

One thing was sure, he would not dare to neglect his responsibility and duty in order to express his fondness to the girl, or his support to the family. His precious personal time had been often given to them, and he was happy about it, even when he had been pointed out that he refused to be in company with his peers and friends, who formed part of his family. In his own way, he was adamant and obstinate, and no one could really make him understand that he had to let the girl’s family steer their lives, independent of his support and assistance. It was a needless support that he rendered to the family, many were sure of, and yet he would not bite their arguments.

What would happen when he is shifted from this place, I was asking one of his very close associates, and he had no answer. His contact and affection for the girl and love for the family will have to come to a close at some time or other; he cannot afford to support them endlessly. It might happen very soon, and he may be left to wonder how he could support them. The family which had been milking his support, without realizing that he had been jeopardizing his own relationship with other members of his peer group, may have to realize that they may have to stand on their own feet without feeling the need of his support. It is only when both the parties realize the need to distance themselves from the other party, that real growth can take place in both of them.

First Among Equals

At first I thought she was just kidding, but it took me quite a while to realize that she really meant it. She was quite upset because she was not the first one I attended to, and she was very sad because someone else had taken that first place. While I took the issue casually, because that was not a matter of life and death, she could not digest it easily, until she had a knock from another angle, forcing her to put this issue in abeyance for a while. I relationships we all desire to be the first one to be attended to, and we feel so proud when people give us priority over others; we consider it a matter of pride and prestige, and when this does not happen with the people who matter much to us, we feel terribly bad.

Humanly speaking it is quite impossible to be impartial in relationships; we tend to attend to different people based on the unsaid and unwritten priority list, though there is nothing sacrosanct about this list. We keep changing the order, depending on our wishes, demands, fulfillments and desires. If the British have the notion of ‘first among equals’ (primus inter pares) to refer to the very special place that the Prime Minister holds in a parliamentary democracy, the same may also hold true in the case of relationships. Even with the parents and other family members, her desire to supersede all of them is what pains and bothers me. It is not that I had given her the secondary place, but she has assumed it for herself, and there is very little I can do about it.

It is possible for me to assert her unique place in my life, but until she is convinced of this, all my efforts may go in vain. Children when they are small exhibit such a kind of behavior. I remember sometimes we used to fight among ourselves as to whom our dearest friend would wish first or shake hands first. That used to be a matter of prestige for us, and we would always wish that we be the first one to receive such an honor. This is based on the external behavior from the part of the other side, but such a thing can also be asserted from deep within. If I consciously acknowledge that I am the first one among equals, even if here are no concrete evidence to prove it, that would bring me peace and harmony deep within.

Unfortunately we live in a world which looks for concrete evidence to prove our feelings and sentiments. People cannot trust what we feel and think, but they want us to see everything translated into action, and unfortunately many of the feelings and sentiments cannot be translated into concrete action, and we may even make mistakes in the act of translation, but then can they be construed as lack of commitment towards the other? I find it hard to believe that everything has to be properly translated into action, just because it is not always possible. I would love to believe, not merely concrete action showing my love and affection, but more the feelings and sentiments the other person has for me.

On the one hand, it is possible that sometimes I fail to convey to the very persons I love and care, how much they mean to me, and the unique place they hold in my life; on the other side of the spectrum, it is also possible that I give wrong signals to others on the so-called “secondary” place I give to them. I believe it all depends on the proper sync of the hearts; if the hearts are in perfect balance and synchronization, there is bound to be better vibration and understanding. Disturbance from either of the party is sure to create psychological noise, which may make the noise prominent and project it so. While I feel the need to bring my heart to proper sync, I also hope to make efforts to check on my concrete actions, to strengthen the unique place each one has in my heart.

Seeds of Sensitivity

Insensitivity to the needs of our dear ones is ingrained into the human psyche; we are not talking about insensitivity to the animal and plant kingdoms, but to the clan of our own. Perhaps this is the one and only quality that is needed of the present generation to make life on earth more joyful and happy, and perhaps this is one of the toughest of all challenges this generation has to face. If only we are more sensitive to things and persons around us, then there would be better peace and harmony in our families; if we have sensitivity between the members of the family, each family can boast of an ideal family. But reality is far from this kind of situation, and that is what is ailing our age.

Like everyone else around me, I am no exception to exhibiting insensitivity towards others, especially those who are in any way less fortunate or less qualified or lower than me in social-religious status, and it does not hurt me at all to be cold and indifferent towards them. I often feel justified in being insensitive towards them, and feel they all deserve it from me. Often my relationship with them determines how sensitive or insensitive I am to them. To the people I am bonded, I tend to be alert and extremely sensitive to their needs and necessities, but to those who do not much matter to me, I am indifferent and insensitive.

I have seen that sensitivity towards other persons and to animals and plants is a matter of attitude, not merely conditioned by my personal rapport with them. For instance, if I know that certain group of people are noble and worthy of honor in my sight, then I would tend to go out of my way to make them comfortable and provide them all their needs. Let me illustrate this with an example. Often priests and religious go to attend celebrations which most often end with a festive dinner. While the priests and religious enjoy a hearty meal, their vehicle drivers may be left to starve outside the dining halls. How many of the priests and religious would remember to call them inside and provide them the same meal they take part in? I have noticed that fortunately this part of the world the priests and religious do remember to do this, partly because the drivers are part of their household, their family.

There is one little way how this sense of sensitivity towards others could be cultivated by all, and it is not so difficult to do. If only I look at every person around me as an extension of my own self, then much of the problem of insensitivity would be nibbed already at the bud. This would mean that I should dissociate the persons from all the categories the world had imposed on them, such as social, economic and religious class this person belongs to, the nationality, color, caste and influence he/she enjoys, and this would require certain mental exercise. Once this is done, then it is not difficult to look at the person with new eyes, and I would not need to be excessively alert to be sensitive to his or her needs. I would be automatically impelled to be sensitive to his/her needs.

I have been so appreciative of certain friends of mine, who are so sensitive to the needs of others that they would not bother about their own personal needs and necessities. There is another important virtue they hold, presence of mind. They are often trouble-shooters, and their sensitivity to persons and situations make them so adept to hand tough situations boldly and courageously that they are often in great demand. I feel sensitivity is a divine virtue, and while it is fifty per cent God given, the other fifty per cent needs to be cultivated and nurtured. The people who are sensitive in a society make a lot of difference, and thanks to them we can boast most of our demands are easily met.

Lessons from Crows

Just outside the window of my room is a tall tree (how sad that I had not known the tree by its name!), and crow couple has been struggling to build a nest for the past two years. And what is beautiful in this couple is that one of them is physically challenged! I don’t know if it is a male or a female, but I assume it is a male, because he had been hunting for food and was feeding his partner often. Crows are not good nest builders, and yet the two had been making all efforts to bring in twigs, wires, grass, and even strings to put up a nest. After spending a few months on a nest, the couple suddenly gave up the nest, and one fine morning I saw them dismantling it! I really don’t know if the couple had a fight over the location of the nest, but it did not seem so.

Just about a month ago, I noticed the female crow recceeing for a different location for the nest, very close to the place they had built their former nest; maybe about a foot distance from the former, and on the same tree. The female crow checked the suitability of the location, and after two days I saw both of them collecting twigs and plastic wires from all possible places. And this time the nest was ready within a week, and the female crow began to sit on it, probably even laying eggs. She sat the whole day, and when it railed one evening, I could see the crow still sitting there quietly. I wondered why she was not moving to another place where she would not get wet! Probably there were eggs, and she wanted to protect them from the rain.

It was study time for me, while looking at the way this couple related to each other, how they moved from one nest to another without grumbling or accusing each other. When I see the so-called physically challenged people begging in the trains and at market squares, I realize that these are the people who are lazy to the core, and instead of following the good example of the male crow, they shamelessly seek to make a living out of begging; and to make things worse, there are many who are moved by the plight of the physically challenged (a good per cent of these men and women only feign to be physically challenged, while in fact they are not!), and dole out money every time they see someone asking for money.

While the animals and plants can live through handicap, even physical, why is it that only the human beings make too much fuss about the handicap? If a crow without a toe can live a normal life, and without ever complaining about it, why is it that men and women make such a hue and cry about their minor handicaps? I found it so moving, when the male crow brought food for his partner every day morning and fed her; it was a wonderful sight. I know among people, misunderstanding is the greatest enemy of relationships; if the channels of communications are destroyed, then everything come to a standstill. But in the case of these crows, life goes on. I guess there could be misunderstanding among them too, but life does not stop there, they continue with life as joyfully as ever.

Each one of us build our own nests of relationships and after sometime we might realize that the nest we had been building does not suit our purpose, and that would be the time to dismantle it and start a different one, all over again. If we realize after sometime that we had been nurturing an unhealthy relationship with a person, it might be necessary to terminate it, and start relating to another person with better vibrations, so that there is enough moral and psychological backup given to us through other persons. We cannot afford to freeze life, it has to go on. I envy these birds who seem to be having a happy and joyful time together, though I have not seen them together too often. Who knows if they have another more permanent abode in the vicinity!

Kissing all the way

It is after quite some time that I am back to my blog, to recapture some of the significant moments of the day, to reflect about them, and savor what life has to offer to me, through me to my friends, and through my friend to me. I felt sad when one of the friends shared about her friends who had been demanding something more than what she could legitimately give by herself. It was about relationship she had been nurturing for the past one year with this young man, who of late had been demanding something more than mere cordial and open conversation with her. He had been, she said, asking her to visit him when he is alone, so that they could “exchange” what is due to both. This had been disturbing this friend, and she could not think of any “exchange” between them, but had been finding it hard to tell him directly about what she felt about this.

She was frank to admit that this young man was not the first person she really “fell” in love with; she had been “going steady” with another young man for quite many years, and she had not been allowing that young man to take undue advantage of her. She desired to keep a safe distance which befitted her special calling, and the many attempts of her first thick friend could not move her from the resolve she had made, and had been quite happy about. But she has felt that she was at a cross-road, and the new man she had been feeling for dearly, had communicated to her in more than clear terms that he would love to exchange certain niceties, which included hugging and kissing. This of course, could only be done in private, when they were alone.

There is reasonable amount of fear in her, that if she were to give in to the demands of this new friend, it could lead her to further submissions, and ultimately could even ruin her peace and happiness she had been enjoying for the past years. But things are not that easy for her, because she had felt over the months that this young man had been coming so close to her, that she felt it was divine providence that they came together, and she would hate to part ways with him. The mutual appreciation that these two experienced had strengthened their bond, and she dare not sever ties, and that had been disturbing her for the past few days. On the one side is her conviction that she cannot let anyone take her for a royal ride, making her do something which her conscience does not allow her to, and on the other is her liking for this person.

I realize that her situation is not so easy to work through; in either way it is sure to pain her, and all that I could suggest her was that she should be faithful to her conscience. If she begins to submit her conscience to the whims and fancies of this young man, and let him take her for a ride, she is sure to experience a guilty conscience at sometime or other. If she has to stick to her convictions, then there are all the chances that the relationship cannot continue, not only because she would not allow him to have his ways with her, but also because this “lakshman-rekha” is sure to put the man at a distance, not allowing him to come anymore close to this woman.

According to me, the lady should choose ultimately what is going to bring her inner peace and happiness, and not necessarily the momentary peace which the friendship and relationship this young man had been fostering with her. It is, no doubt, going to be tough for her, but it is sure to keep her faithful to her calling, her convictions and the kind of value system she had been convinced of for many years. She also shared with me how she had to shun several young man during her past years, when they tried to come too close to her, demanding all too fast “hugs and kisses”. It is possible that the joy of forsaking this unhealthy relationship will be far greater than the joy that the company of this man might give to her; but in that case, she should be prepared to bear the consequences, and stand firmly by her convictions, instead of forsaking them to save the relationship which could possibly bury all her values and convictions. But it is she who has to make a choice!

Liberative Leanings

‘No one can live as an island’ has become almost like a cliché, but what this meant remains a lesson for all generations; everyone on earth is in need of others to make the best out of life. It would be quite frightening to think of a world without anyone else around, no other human person to relate to, no plants and animals to eat. Even the worst of anthropophobic cannot wish to live all by him/herself, because life will be devoid of all color and dynamism if there is no one around to relate to. If ever there is any person who is averse to relating to others, and wishing to be by himself/herself, then such a person is fit only for solitary confinement in a dark cell.

There is a need for each of the human person to lean on another; of course here I am referring to sociological and psychological leaning. Every other person in the society I live in can rightly complement what I lack, and add brighter colors to life. This happens in a wonderful way in families; by nature husband and wife complement each other, and if there is fear of separation among couples, then one can be sure that this complementarity is threatened. Life gives a two-way enrichment : to lean on another person for the fulfillment of one’s social, cultural, religious and psychological needs; to bear another and provide the much needed nourishment in all the areas I myself receive.

Refusing to lean on another, and refusing to bear another can become social evils which can make our life quite miserable. Pride can stop me from leaning on another person, especially if the other person is in anyway constrained or limited, and I may overlook the need to “depend” on the other. On the other side of the spectrum maybe a person who does not wish to make space for another to take shelter under his/her wings! Why should I? It is none of my business to provide space for the other – maybe the comments that we may hear from this kind of person! In either case ultimately it is this person who is going to suffer, and not the other!

What a blessing people can turn out to one another, if there is the freedom to lean on the other, and the generosity to bear the other! At the heart of this mutual enrichment is the psycho-spiritual disposition which calls for humility, to recognize the need for me to lean on another, that I am not complete by myself, but require another or other persons to make me full. So long this disposition is not achieved, life would continue to become a hell, where others may be looked on as threats, or trespassers, or people who are there to curtail my freedom. Such people are sure to suffer from insomnia and perpetual stomach ache and head ache.

Every day when I wake up from bed, I need to pause for a minute to recall to mind the different persons who complete my web of relationships. I cannot make a web with a single strand, but every person who extend an arm of cooperation is sure to make this web possible. Let me bring to my mind every person on whom I could freely and cozily lean on, hoping that they would shield me with their strong arms; let me also remember all the persons whom I bear in my heart with the warmth that I have received from others; as I remember and recall these faces and names, let the vibrations of peace and joy spread all around. Let me see all the arms locked with fraternal chains, and what better world can we ever think of then?

Sting of Death

It is painful to see someone very dear to us depart us and this beautiful world; the pain is several times more, when the person who is dying is very close to us, either through family relationship or through psychological relationship. It is the same whether one is related to the dying person physically or psychologically, and it might be hard to believe that the person we have been relating to so deeply and intimately is suddenly no more. That is the kind of feeling one goes through when death knocks at our door suddenly, unannounced.We find it hard to accept that fate had been so cruel with regard to our dear one.

It is hard to say no when death knocks at our door; we may believe in miraculous cures, and we may trust that hope against hope cannot go in vain, but ultimately when the last hour comes, we cannot run away from it. Death may have the last laughter, as it were, and we may be left to be silent spectators, watching the departure of our dear one, sinking into the everlasting silence, where all our cries may find no place. This pain and agony, and in some cases psychological trauma, is real and actual.

I found it hard to accept this reality when this happened to my family, when my only sister was left alone with her daughter at the sudden and unannounced departure of her husband! She was not ever fortunate to see him alive some time earlier. He died in a foreign land, some nine months after he had bidden goodbye... Who would have thought that he was going to bid goodbye to them forever! It is true the agony I had gone through was far less in comparison to that of my sister and niece. The pain may lurk at the depth of their hearts for sometime.

Sometimes I wonder why we feel so lost when a dear person dies; it is true that we feel helpless when we have to take charge of things at the sudden departure of the person who was managing our families. We may have to start learning our lessons from the very beginning, and it may not be altogether easy. In a web of relationships, even when a thin line is severed, it is sure to affect the strength of the web, and that is what happens at the death of a dear one. But at the same time, we cannot exercise our power or authority over death.

That every human person is ultimately powerless before death is something consoling to the so-called powerless in the world. Even the greatest of kings and persons will ultimately be laid to rest on earth is the truth that all of us have to understand and accept. That we are all powerless and helpless is another truth, which can help us to accept this reality with resignation! This is not the kind of passive resignation, but the one where we bid farewell to our dear one with a smile, thanking them for what they had been to us and to the human family! It is then that they become part of the human and universal heritage... part of every human person on earth!

Drowning the Doubting Thomas

There is a ‘doubting Thomas’ (dT in short) in each and every one of us, and we inherit this dT at the time of our birth, and in most cases, the dT dies with people. It is only in very rare cases that we are able to give a decent burial to the dT when we are still able to take stock of our lives. But what does this dT do to us, that we have to find ways of bidding him adieu and giving him a burial? Whether we like it or not, as we grow into adolescence, we begin to doubt every second person, and it comes so very naturally to us, and often we may not even be aware of this, because this is taken for granted that we suspect one another. We reach such a situation that we are expected to suspect the people we relate to.

Seldom do we realize how gently we nurture the dT in us, without realizing that this is a Frankenstein who could one day jump on us, to take our life from us. That the dT is a monster, we need no further proof, if we take a good look at the different occasions today we had doubted or suspected the very people we relate to and work with. It is the dT who actually distances us from others, and when the dT is working in me vociferously, then I become quite inactive, and lose all controls over myself, my thinking and even my actions. What is worse is that I even begin to doubt the intentions of people, which is the most uncharitable thing I can think of.

There is neither a season nor a reason for letting the dT take the upper hand; at a time when we least expect the dT pops up, and makes a mess of things. Even the best of friends turn out to be the most deadly foe, the moment when the dT shows up his head. I do not say that most often we doubt people for no reason; sometimes we have all the reason to doubt, and we may be fully justified. But what I am concerned here is not the objective truth of the matter, but how the matter is affecting me. Suspicion can change my relationship with others. When I think that my friend may be having an intimate relationship with another, can cause me sleepless nights and nightmares I may not be able to fight with.

The dT, whom I nurture deep within me is not going to cause any harm to others; he is a self-destructive mechanism, whereby he will slowly kill me and ultimately himself will die. But then is it not proper then that I get rid of him before he gets rid of me. With all probability, my friend may be relating to a friend in a casual way, and it may appear to me as if they are relating in an intimate manner, and I may suspect what she talks to him, what he talks to her, what they think about each other, and the like. As a result the next time I look at my friend, I do not think about the relationship between the two of us, but about the two of them, she and her friend. This may make me envious, sad, and even dejected.

There is a way how I can force the dT to quit my life himself, before I kill him, and it does not require too much guts from my side. I need to develop a counter-dT (let us call this, cdT), who will take care of the dT, and how I do this is simple : every time I become suspicious of a person, I would deliberately in my mind make an effort to think of the reverse. In the beginning it may sound artificial, but it works. For instance if I suspect one of our co-workers of staling our office stationery, I would tell myself that he does not steal the stationary; it may just be the pigment of my imagination or that I am prejudiced against this person. I need to repeat it every time I get the doubt or suspicion. When this is done, the cdT wins and the dT runs away, and soon I may find no more dT, and will realize that life is quite different in the absence of the dT, and I am able to relate to all the people in a better way, and do not feel intimidated by others, or I feel like intimidating others. Relationships then become a joy for me.

Freedom to be

For the last few days, I had been asking myself : What do I seek in a relationship, and value the most? No, it is not the cozy feeling that I am safe and secure in the loving embrace of a friend, who would stand by me in thick and thin, nor the comfortable feeling that when I am down my friend will cheer me up and boost my morale, nor give himself or herself completely in order to reach the goal I had set for myself. All these things are there in a relationship, but I feel deep down what I seek in a relationship is the freedom to be myself, knowing absolutely sure that I would not be intimidated, I would not be rejected for being what I am, or even pooh-poohed because I do not come up to the expectations of the person I am relating to.

It is not that I have been experiencing a smooth sail in all instances of initiating, establishing and going through relationships with different persons down the years; some relationships caught me unawares, because they grew out naturally and spontaneously; there were no exertions, or unnecessary coaxing from either party to make it work. Such were the relationships I knew were going to last longer than the initial euphoria that many of the relationships pose. Sometimes even deeper relationships became bitter, when the sugar-coating was gone, and when we began to step into raw selves, and it was hard for both to come to terms with each other, and make a sincere effort to accept the other as s/he was.

There is a hidden fear in me to be what I am in the company of people who may not wish me to be what I truly am. Often I am expected to dress myself according to the moral code set by the society, according to the high expectations that many in my company have on me, and so ultimately I end up being something or someone other than what I am, and that is a painful experience. I am aware that there are grey areas in me, which the people living around me, and sometimes the people who love and care for me, do not wish to see. The social and cultural taboos cannot be exhibited in public, and there is the child in me who cries out to see the light of day; it may be quite different from what my friends may wish, but that is me, my true self.

I remember occasions when a close friend of mine was shocked to get a glimpse of my true self; oh no! she exclaimed, and at that moment I know this is not what my friend was looking for from me. Just like a turtle which pulls in its head under its hard shell, I have to keep my head under the shell, so that no one can harm me; or if I keep popping up my head outside, I may not know when one or other person would deliberately or inadvertently stamp on me. There were times I had scandalized my friends, because I was trying to be my true self; sometimes my friends advised me to “behave” myself, because I carried an identity which did not permit me to indulge in certain kinds of behavior.

I am getting used to in shocking and scandalizing people by presenting myself as authentically as I am, and sometimes it is too much for my friends to accept, and they may decide to bid goodbye forever, and I may not deliberately wish to hold them back. I do not say that my true friends should accept all the stupid and idiotic things I do, but they are not shocked when I behave in that manner, and make an effort to slowly make me understand the other layers of my actions, which may pain and agonize them. That is the responsibility I look forward to from my friends, to grant me the freedom to be myself, and slowly open the gates of the hidden self and help me embrace it willingly and joyfully!

Shoes for Sharing

'To get into the shoes of another' is a beautiful little expression in English, but to do that is not as simple as it might sound! While attempting to get into the shoes of others, we have often experienced that the shoes are either too big or too small. Very seldom we come across shoes of another which just fit into my feet! But then, whom can I blame if the shoes are either too big or too small; and is it possible for me to cut my toes to fit into the shoes? These questions may sound silly at the first look, but behind them is a truth that we have to come to terms joyfully, in order to make meaning out of our relationship with others.

Let us get into a detailed analysis of this expression : shoes! One thing is certain: we do not check the shoes size of others, before we begin our relationship journey. It is only after embarking on a life-long journey do we come to know about the size of the shoes, and often we may have to make slight adjustments in order to comfortably share shoes! Two of my sisters often exchange their clothes, since both of them are of same height and weight, and they have no problem in sharing the clothes. So there is no problem with their dressing; but there would be a problem if the clothes do not fit into both. In that case they should be satisfied with only their clothes!

After purchasing a new pair of shoes two years ago, I realized that it was too tight for my feet, and felt quite uneasy wearing it. But when I asked the shop-keeper, he said that once I start wearing, it would become quite loose. Any relationship may be strained at the beginning; it would take quite sometime for the partners to get used to each other. Once they begin to realize the pulse with each other, the shoes begin to give in, and they will not hurt the feet either. Sometimes we may be too harsh on the shoes for not fitting into the feet, and we may find ways to make it give into the feet. Some may try even oil on the edges of the shoes to make them supple, in order to let the feet get in freely.

In order to get into the shoes of another, I am required first of all to leave behind my own pair of shoes; if I am too attached to my shoes, I will never be able to get into the shoes of another. This implies that I should be prepared to leave behind my shoes in order to get into that of another; who knows I may not even like to get back to my own shoes in the future. I may become so accostomed to the shoes of another that I may not like to take back my shoes. I might let another person use it rather. If this were to happen, then I should be happy, because there is newness in me, and a fresh viewpoint might have taken charge of the other.

But what if the other person does not permit me to get into his/her shoes? Can I legitimately force myself to get into another's shoes? Probably I should never force myself to get into another's shoes, but invite the other person to permit me to take a try. It is not that my feet will fit perfectly with every other shoe I come across. After trying, I may say that my feet do not fit into the shoes, and therefore let another person try. With persons who are close to us, we can take the liberty to get into their shoes, sometimes even without their consent, so long my getting into to the shoes of the other is not going to make the person nervous, lose sense of direction in life, and finds it hard to get back to the normal rhythm of life.

Expelled by Expectations

I fail to understand this law of nature : we give greatest pain to the very persons we love the most! I know most of the people would agree with me that this is a fact with most of us. And who on earth wants to hurt the person s/he loves so much, but ultimately we all end up giving so much of pain to the persons we love that there is a danger of the relationship being severed. But today I would like to question myself how this dangerous process take place and how I can protect myself from being succumbed to sucha painful process. It is not altogether difficult to prevent such a thing happening in my life, if only I know how my mind operates!

One of the most important things taken for granted in any loving relationship is EXPECTATIONS! We have a heap of expectations on our partners; and the same thing is true of even friendship or a relationship between a parent to his/her child. Very rarely do we question these expectations, which are for the most part created, moulded and shaped by the society we live in. This is a package we inherit. This package tells me what my role and function in a relationship is, and I am expected to act accordingly. I will see the red bulb blinking the very moment I move away from this prescribed book of law!

If only we have a few moments to take a good look at this package, and question the taken-for-granted notions and ideas, then much of the problems with our relationships would be things of past. Take for instance this simple notion: we have taken it for granted that two persons in love cannot hurt each other! But take a second look at this notion : why should not these two people cannot hurt each other; hurting one another is a natural process we all of us grow with, and we also know how to cope with them. If that is so, why should we take it for granted that the person I love cannot hurt me?

I understand it is not easy to rewrite some of the notions prescribed by the package; if I try to do it, the society around will look at me with suspicion; it might think I am promoting anarchy in the society, and I am a rebel and do not respect the social moorings of the people, etc. But there are ways how this re-writing the social dictates can be carried out, without hurting the social sentiments of the people we live with; we may have to start this process with taking a good look at ourselves. What are my expectations from the other? This mental process is not going to affect the external reality around me, but is sure to make me sensitive to the expectations of the other, and alert me to be careful about responding to the expectations of the other.

To clap, we need both the hands; we cannot clap with a single hand, and that is what could happen if I am able to be conscious of my expectations from the other. If I do not go by the law book of the society with taken-for-granted notions and ideas, but look at persons and their responses with fresh eyes, there is less chance for conflict. If my partner in relationship expects me to make her happy by giving gifts, and if I can do it without going out of my value system, then there is no conflict there and happiness on the hearts of both of us. But slowly my response to the expectations of the other is sure to make gradual change, and there may come a day when both of us may decide to re-write the laws of our relationships, and that day we may truly start a new chapter in our lives, where we could go beyond any expectation!

Blind Faith

In the recent past, I had a taste of what the result of blind faith on persons who are on a different level in human relations can really be. Very rarely do we come across persons, who have absolute trust in every person they come in touch with, including strangers, not realizing how dangerous and suicidal that can lead to. But needless to say, if we are able to create a world where we can blindly trust anyone, we need not look for the heavens then.

Selfishness and greed know no bounds and limits, and every time we trust a person, we are taking certain things for granted, and that is the reasonable risk that we can afford to take in the case of the people with whom we rub shoulders each day. But can we do the same with the people who have but a business or employer-employee relationship? Another important question that we can ask ourselves is : how much can I really trust a person?

Every person before being trusted or claiming trust-worthiness should prove him/herself. There cannot be grounds for trusting a person, if they were not sufficiently trusted. We have thousands of examples around us which show blind faith and trust in persons will invariably lead us to our own downfall. We cannot forget the fact that the world is not as sane and secure as we thought it to be. If there is one honest trustworthy person, there are nine more wicked, selfish, greedy persons around us. And most often we may fall in the hands of such wicked men and women, and may ultimately lose our face.

Every relationship, even if it is a business related, or customer related, is based on certain amount of trust. When I purchase cooking oil, I trust the shopkeeper will not give me adulterated oil, which may only lead to manifold sickness. I also trust the shopkeeper will not take more money than the just price. But can we take that for granted. Even the people who can afford to be cheated, would not take the words of the shopkeeper seriously and pay the money as demanded. The price stamp is made mandatory so that the customers are not cheated, and we have the duty to check the stamp and pay accordingly, and do not give scope for people to exploit our generosity.

What is the kind of faith that God has on the human beings? Is it the blind faith or the kind of faith that scrutinizes and challenges us? Trust is something that is to do with my relationship with the other person. If I prove myself to be trustworthy, I may experience God as one who accepts me with blind faith; but for some others God may also come across as the one who challenges their trust. Here there is nothing which is better or worse. These two are just two ways of relating to a person. But when I know that God trusts me as I trust him blindly, the relationship is in a higher plain than the other, and that is merely a matter of privilege, we can be happy about.

Falling in Love

Walking through the hallowed portals of the Catholic University of Leuven in Belgium, once gets a feeling that a sound mind is of paramount importance to continue the tradition of intellectually understanding the workings of the Spirit in the Scriptures, the Church and in the world. Talking to some of the students of this prestigious institution, which can boast a quality that can only be compared to that of Biblicum or Gregorian in Rome, one gets a feeling that Christian (or Catholic to be precise) theology has unfortunately moved from the heart to the head. In fact that is precisely what one of the students had told me, that theological studies today in this University, is a mental work, and not so much that of the heart. That may be an understatement for a person who believes in sound intellectual study in theology, but one may ask the moot question, can theology be only intellectual, not touching the heart?

Every learning experience is an entry into the ever vibrant sea of wisdom; every time we make an effort to intellectually perceive or understand something, we are taking a dip at this bottomless sea; our intellectual quest may never be quenched, and our thirst for greater clarity may never dawn. Unfortunately wisdom is far removed from the processes of the mind or the intellect; wisdom is to do with the heart, and it strikes a chord with the heart, while intellect puts a person directly in touch with the mind, and disconnects from the workings of the senses, feelings of the heart. Learning cannot take place in a vacuum, true; but a mere intellectual exercise may leave a person high and dry at the end. True learning, or a dip into the ocean of wisdom, is a joyful experience, which one may wish to go back time and again; it may be something that may give that person enough stamina and strength to meet the humdrum reality of ever day life.

One thing is for sure, there is very little scope in the modern day teaching-learning situations, for one to really fall in love with what one is busy with almost night and day. If I am doing my masters degree in Systematic Theology, I cannot learn truly unless I fall in love with the subject I am learning. The curriculum, staff, books are to help me in this process of falling in love. They may only help me, but it is for me to really fall in love. Besides, the situation may be such that one is prevented from falling in love in reality; the circumstances may encourage one to enter into a Platonic love relationship, where the partners may appreciate one another at the head-level, not venturing to enter into the heart-level. Can we call it love? Sure, but of a different kind. This is surely not the kind of love that we long for.

In fact once I fall in love with what I am trying to grasp, I go beyond the prescribed books, assignments, tests, examinations, seminars… and in certain cases I may even become mad! No wonder many people who had tried to enter into their subject in a serious way, had found themselves in such situation; they had to be taken to psychiatrists. There is a danger in associating with the subject one loves and studies in an absolute way. But once I begin to love what I do, what I study, I enjoy every moment I spend with the subject, and cherish even when I am away from it. I am not shattered by the bad results in the examination or inability to get through tests and assignments, because I can very well cherish what I am in love with, without worrying too much about what I make out of this relationship. Sadly much of our learning stops at the level of the head, what someone called a mental jugglery.

Today I would like to pause for a while and recollect what I had been doing from the time I got out of my bed early in the morning. I am going to ask myself this simple question, to which I will try to answer as honestly as possible: have I been in love with what I had been doing throughout this day? It is possible that I did certain works or duties or assignments with greater love and care than some others. Let me enlist those that I enjoyed doing, I loved doing, and had taken great care in doing, and had driven great satisfaction. Let me also enlist those things I did out of compulsion, out of necessity, out of duty consciousness. It is not possible that we stop doing these latter things, because sometimes we may find ourselves with too few options. But it is within our power and choice to make the latter as interesting as the former. I may need to take each item for a few days, and transform it slowly into something that I love and enjoy doing it. That may be the secret of making my day as enjoyable as I can ever make it! (Brussels)