Freedom to be

For the last few days, I had been asking myself : What do I seek in a relationship, and value the most? No, it is not the cozy feeling that I am safe and secure in the loving embrace of a friend, who would stand by me in thick and thin, nor the comfortable feeling that when I am down my friend will cheer me up and boost my morale, nor give himself or herself completely in order to reach the goal I had set for myself. All these things are there in a relationship, but I feel deep down what I seek in a relationship is the freedom to be myself, knowing absolutely sure that I would not be intimidated, I would not be rejected for being what I am, or even pooh-poohed because I do not come up to the expectations of the person I am relating to.

It is not that I have been experiencing a smooth sail in all instances of initiating, establishing and going through relationships with different persons down the years; some relationships caught me unawares, because they grew out naturally and spontaneously; there were no exertions, or unnecessary coaxing from either party to make it work. Such were the relationships I knew were going to last longer than the initial euphoria that many of the relationships pose. Sometimes even deeper relationships became bitter, when the sugar-coating was gone, and when we began to step into raw selves, and it was hard for both to come to terms with each other, and make a sincere effort to accept the other as s/he was.

There is a hidden fear in me to be what I am in the company of people who may not wish me to be what I truly am. Often I am expected to dress myself according to the moral code set by the society, according to the high expectations that many in my company have on me, and so ultimately I end up being something or someone other than what I am, and that is a painful experience. I am aware that there are grey areas in me, which the people living around me, and sometimes the people who love and care for me, do not wish to see. The social and cultural taboos cannot be exhibited in public, and there is the child in me who cries out to see the light of day; it may be quite different from what my friends may wish, but that is me, my true self.

I remember occasions when a close friend of mine was shocked to get a glimpse of my true self; oh no! she exclaimed, and at that moment I know this is not what my friend was looking for from me. Just like a turtle which pulls in its head under its hard shell, I have to keep my head under the shell, so that no one can harm me; or if I keep popping up my head outside, I may not know when one or other person would deliberately or inadvertently stamp on me. There were times I had scandalized my friends, because I was trying to be my true self; sometimes my friends advised me to “behave” myself, because I carried an identity which did not permit me to indulge in certain kinds of behavior.

I am getting used to in shocking and scandalizing people by presenting myself as authentically as I am, and sometimes it is too much for my friends to accept, and they may decide to bid goodbye forever, and I may not deliberately wish to hold them back. I do not say that my true friends should accept all the stupid and idiotic things I do, but they are not shocked when I behave in that manner, and make an effort to slowly make me understand the other layers of my actions, which may pain and agonize them. That is the responsibility I look forward to from my friends, to grant me the freedom to be myself, and slowly open the gates of the hidden self and help me embrace it willingly and joyfully!

Life, the web of relations

There is no other creature on earth which experiences the bond of being related as much as the human beings. We are linked to everything we see in the world; there is a bond of fellowship and fraternity with everything living and dead. Scientists would go all the way to prove that every atom on earth is linked to everything around it; it might be easy for scientists to prove it because the fundamental principle linking everything is the same. It is the same atoms which form myself, which is also found in the most hardcore criminal on earth; the microorganism which I am made of is the same as the one my pet dog is made of. In that case what distinguishes me from my dog is something that could be questioned scientifically, because there are dogs which are cleverer than the human persons(!), and we may come across more intelligent animals in the years to come and that may be the end of the human race.

But if every organism on earth is linked with a web of relations, why is it we behave so queerly often, and even tend to disregard this bond of fellowship. There is a natural tendency to depend on the elders during our childhood days, but as we grow big, we begin to stand on our own feet, as it were, and do not want the elders taking care of us. We would like to show everyone around us that we are mature enough, and can take care of ourselves. That may be one place where we are given too much of independence and freedom that we fail to allow our elders take care of us during our most formative years. There is also an urge within us to be independent so that we need not listen to the dictates of the elders, especially those who boss over us. Every web of relation severed is lost forever and they may never come back to us; this is a harsh reality we seldom understand, and when we might understand it might be too late.

I had chosen the image of a web (more precisely of a spider), because it illustrates beautifully what our lives are like. The bridges between us, the human beings and other organisms is so fragile and weak that they may snap at any time, and when a link is lost that part of the web is unreachable. Every time we disregard relationships and tend to strengthen and fortify our own portals, we are only inviting trouble; it might not be too late for us to realize that our fort may collapse one fine morning because we had not taken to strengthen the edifice. The pillars alone cannot guarantee safety for the building, the edifice has to embrace the pillars to provide the much needed strength and support for the building. We need to build each of the links with the world around, very much like the spider painstakingly builds each one of the segments of the web. And it is only too happy when it completes the web, and joyfully hops from one segment to another, until some external force compels the web to break.

To build a web of relations is not a laborious task for a spider, it is a joyful event; I have noticed that it might take just a night for a spider to weave a decent looking web. When the web needs to be built, it leaves aside everything else, and labors on it, and when the day breaks one can notice that the web is ready, and the golden beams of the sun pass through the web, strengthening the bonds. Just look at the accompanying picture of the web with tiny drops of snow capping the bridges; we can notice that the segments are not strong all through; in some places they are frail and weak, and in some other places they are strong. Indeed that is how our relationships with others take shape. Over the years our relationships may become weak and it may sever someday, when we least expect, if we are not careful.

It is not impossible for one spider to link her web with another web and thus enlarge the circle of relationship; and when the webs grow wider and wider, then we have greater space for relating with others, and we may also enjoy a wider area to build relationships. One cannot assess the quality of relationship with others on the basis of the number of friends and associates one has, but on the basis of the depth of relationship that they enjoy. Even a couple of friends who would stand by my side, especially when I am downcast and find life unbearable, would be far more precious than having a whole lot of friends who may even have the courtesy to call on me to check if I am OK! Today as we look at this beautiful web of spiders, let us weave our own web of relations, so that we shall have greater freedom and accessibility towards everyone we like and love!

Fatalistic Favorites

Nepotism and favoritism seem to be close to the hearts of anyone who matters in our political, social and cultural circles. Maybe the great and mighty feel all alone to occupy high chairs, and would want their near and dear ones to stay close to them. I come to see nepotism and favoritism taking place all around me; in some cases, it takes place surreptitiously, and in some other cases it happens openly. We have seen some families ruling the nation from one generation to another, and the whole nation watching the fun silently and even supporting the family to last longer, even after the ties are slowly severing. Every big politician would want his son or daughter to succeed him or her in the public platform, even when the youngster does not qualify to be there; but that does not stop them, because they have the blessing and the unabashed backing of their parents to draw them to the center stage.

We all have our own favorites, and under certain circumstances, we may not be able to bring in our relatives and family members to be hanging around us, but to have favorites nearby all the time is quite common. Who does not like the people they love and appreciate all the time around? We all have our favorites, and want to be of help to them whether they need them or not. If we are in a position to provide favors to them, we do not even think of consulting them before we order these favors done to them, and this charity even at the cost of bending the laws of the land or causing loss to the exchequer. I feel terrible when I come across cases where favoritism has caused so much of loss to institutions, and it is always a hard task to point out to people that favoritism should not be encouraged.

To drop the people we like from being kicked out of our sight is something that we cannot tolerate, and favoritism assures their presence around us all the time. One might question my arguments and tell me, why should I have a problem with the people who are well qualified to occupy a position in the institution? If people qualify to occupy an official position, then there is no question of favoritism, because they have been absorbed into the institution not because of their link with the big boss, but because of his qualifications. If people are absorbed without possessing required qualifications, then the institution is sure to become inefficient and unprofessional. The boss then might spend more time with his relative than with the institution.

Wherever I had been, I could see some of the persons who have certain power and authority in the institution favoring certain persons, and even keeping them close to them, hoping they would help the institution. It did not take me too long to realize that favoritism breeds contempt in an institution, and outsiders would be able to smell something stinking too soon. An emotional involvement among the favorites and the head of the staff can adversely affect the atmosphere, and it may even lead to a lopsided decision-making at the management level. But who cares about the institution so long they are kept in good humor, and get the special treatment from their favorites; it could be occasional dinners at home, or at select hotels, or special programs outside the city, and there is no limit to the kind of favors the favorites would do to get them promoted to a higher level.

I am quite convinced that the family, relatives, friends and close associates should be kept at safe distance from the institutions, or else there is bound to be pulls and pushes affecting the persons involved with them. As head of an institution, my concern should be the welfare of the people associated with the institution and the reputation that the institution has enjoyed in the past. I cannot defame an institution overnight. The nation is going through series of examples of what favoritism and nepotism could do to a nation. I am referring to the 2G scam, with the former Telecom minister Raja and his associates swindling the nation’s exchequer and filling the coffers of their own kith and kin. We need to be careful that history does not repeat itself.

Art of Saying No Gracefully

I know many of us suffer from this weakness: unable to say no someone dear to us! We are pushed to resorting to pleasing others, at the extent of displeasing ourselves, all because we do not have the guts to call cards. One thing which is at the back of our mind, when we force ourselves to oblige is the fear of losing the goodwill that we enjoy with these people. At the other side of the spectrum is the consciousness of our own reputation: what will s/he think if I do not oblige? Ultimately we end up pleasing others, while deep within displeasing ourselves, which may in the long run become a compulsive syndrome difficult to placate.

We need to master the difficult art of saying no gracefully! Here the words art and gracefully are significant. Since it is an art, it needs to be cultivated; we are not born with the rudiments of this art, but we need to learn through the hard way. Saying ‘no’ rudely or indifferently will have its severe consequences, and therefore we should employ the best of our smile, choicest gentle and polite words, and harken the best tonal quality to convey this stern no! It is on how we say this no, which will determine if it will have dire consequences, or happy conclusions to one of the problems which had been pricking our conscience for long.

When it comes to inter personal relationships, we are all too frightened about others; we do not wish to challenge others, because we feel that if we do, others may forsake us, and we will be left without friends. Therefore we would go all the way to compromise! And if our friends can make out that we have begun to compromise, they are sure to make use of it for their own advantage, and we may be left to drown ourselves in misery and fear. But the fact is not all the people who receive a gentle ‘no’ will feel offended; they may even feel happy that we had the courage to say no so gracefully. In this case, instead of the relationship remaining status quo, it may grow into a healthy relationship.

But we cannot over rule the consequences, if for some reason or other our gracefulness does not make the magic! A person or two may be offended and may even burst out in public, and this is part of the deal, in being authentic to ourselves. Which one would we prefer: trying to please others even while going against our wish, or to please ourselves without displeasing others. The dire consequences, if there be any, may not last long, and people may come back to us, when they realize that we were not in a position to entertain their request at the time they required. But that may take some time, and we may have to practice patience till then.

There are very few people who have really mastered this difficult art, and I have come across people who would refuse a favour so sweetly that I would not mind that at all, and again when I need something to be done by them, I would not hesitate to approach them. We all need to practice this art, because it would come to our aid at any time, especially when we are to work under a senior person, who would demand things which we may not be in a position to fulfil. We will be able to find and retain more friends by mastering this art, if only we know how to do it. There is no short cut to learning this art; we may have to start practising smiling sweetly; maybe a mirror may help us to accomplish. The second thing that can help is a set of sweet words. That will do to start mastering this art of saying no gracefully.

The Phantom within

There was a little fear within me as I readied to receive feedback about me, and how I came across to my companions, especially with whom I sat for “business” discussions every month. I had been quite conscious about many of the things which were going on in me for quite some time, and were working on some areas too. Now the fear was not about some unknown phantoms coming out of my cupboard, but about naming and accepting the one’s which had been living with me for quite many years, so much so I might have taken them for granted. Now is the time for me to take a good look at them again, and recognize them for what they truly are in my life.

Known devils are better than unknown angels, so goes a popular adage, and how true it is. The unknown phantoms living within me frightens me, and I have to make all effort not to let them get out at a moment when I least expected them. There were some other phantoms which were hiding behind myself, and I was least aware of them – when my companions gave feedback about me, these phantoms came across to me as unacceptable vices on my part. Two of my companions said that others may find it hard to work with me, because of my domineering attitude, and one said that I might find it hard to work with others.

I realize that all of my companions had a little bit of truth, and it would be a great danger if they asserted that they were absolutely sure about what they said about me; I am aware that even my own understanding of my limitations were conditioned by my awareness and consciousness. I felt that my friends were giving too much importance to the feedback given by others, and undermining my own realization of my limitations. The views and feedback of each one is conditioned by their own limitations and perspectives, and it would be next to impossible to separate these views from the personal bias.

But to be aware of the phantoms is one thing, and it is another thing to recognize the phantoms as residing inside of me. There is always a tendency in me to disown the phantoms, or attributing them to someone else, or to find excuses for their presence in my life. I know the same is also true with all my other friends and companions. There is not a single individual who from the very start embraces the phantoms without any reservation. All of them have their own excuses and limitations, but to name the nameless and faceless phantoms and giving them a space in the reality of our existence can make a lot of difference, and that is what I am struggling with just now.

I hesitate to accept everything that my companions tell me as gospel truth; there are more than enough evidences which say that many of my friends impose on me phantoms of their own making, and in psychology this could be just a matter of projection, and they may not even be realizing that they are doing this, either consciously or unconsciously. Not all phantoms are horrifying, and some of them could even be so very gentle and cool that even an angel may fail in comparison with them. Not all phantoms are evil and blood-mongers, some of them may even love to disappear into thin air, if that would help me to come to terms with the hardcore realities of life and embrace them wholeheartedly. This is time I welcome the phantoms and hug them lovingly.

Partying on Poverty

The menu was not all that appetizing, and the smell of the dishes was not all that inviting, and yet the partying lot were huddled together to make the best dishes possible out of the least that was available. The menu list did not run in to pages, but just a few in number, but that did not matter to the family which had gathered, big and small, young and old, to celebrate their togetherness. It was like a stillness dawning after a stormy night, and they were sure that every stormy weather had brought them together and strengthened their bond and fellowship, and the "party" was merely an excuse.

The family which had been struggling to get out of the poverty which had been imposed on it, could hardly take a few steps before they are drawn back to the very spot they had been languishing for years. If they begin to blame others, there would be no end. The first and the most important culprit would be God, who had imposed such a privation that they had to struggle to have even one square meal; who had taken away the breadwinner at a very young age, and the young mother had to struggle to bring up her children, educate them, and get them married, and support them even after their marriage, when the marriage did not go too well.

The best image that comes to my mind when I think of this family partying on their poverty, is the story of the "stone soup". These poor senior members of the family brought their mite, the best from their privation, but they were full of joy to contribute their best to make this party memorable one. They are not going to think about their poverty, what they do not have, but are going to capitalize on what they do possess, the comfort and strength of the company of one another, and this was their greatest asset, and they had come to feel this beneath their bones.

When families are well off, they do not feel the need to get together occasionally to strengthen their bonding; they believe that the money and comfort they enjoy were good enough to assure them of a better days to come; the bonding with other family members, relations, and friends is not so essential for them to get going. That is the tragedy of the neo-riche, and there would come a time in their lives too, when they would be forced to seek after their lost family roots and find succor in them. For the poor and have-not it is a joy and way of life to come together and share their lot, but for the rich and the haves, it may become a socio-cultural necessity.

I feel partying on poverty can be one of the greatest moments of celebration in the life of a family, who have nothing to share, but their pain and suffering. They have nothing to offer to one another, than their shoulders to lean on. They have nothing to contribute to the party, but their own share of sob stories and painful memories. This party is sure to strengthen the bonding of the family, and no storm and cyclone can ever take the little pleasures and joy they enjoy. Today I take my hats off to this family partying on their poverty, and I only hope more and more families may bring in their poverty and party on them, so that their bonding may be strengthened day after day.

First Among Equals

At first I thought she was just kidding, but it took me quite a while to realize that she really meant it. She was quite upset because she was not the first one I attended to, and she was very sad because someone else had taken that first place. While I took the issue casually, because that was not a matter of life and death, she could not digest it easily, until she had a knock from another angle, forcing her to put this issue in abeyance for a while. I relationships we all desire to be the first one to be attended to, and we feel so proud when people give us priority over others; we consider it a matter of pride and prestige, and when this does not happen with the people who matter much to us, we feel terribly bad.

Humanly speaking it is quite impossible to be impartial in relationships; we tend to attend to different people based on the unsaid and unwritten priority list, though there is nothing sacrosanct about this list. We keep changing the order, depending on our wishes, demands, fulfillments and desires. If the British have the notion of ‘first among equals’ (primus inter pares) to refer to the very special place that the Prime Minister holds in a parliamentary democracy, the same may also hold true in the case of relationships. Even with the parents and other family members, her desire to supersede all of them is what pains and bothers me. It is not that I had given her the secondary place, but she has assumed it for herself, and there is very little I can do about it.

It is possible for me to assert her unique place in my life, but until she is convinced of this, all my efforts may go in vain. Children when they are small exhibit such a kind of behavior. I remember sometimes we used to fight among ourselves as to whom our dearest friend would wish first or shake hands first. That used to be a matter of prestige for us, and we would always wish that we be the first one to receive such an honor. This is based on the external behavior from the part of the other side, but such a thing can also be asserted from deep within. If I consciously acknowledge that I am the first one among equals, even if here are no concrete evidence to prove it, that would bring me peace and harmony deep within.

Unfortunately we live in a world which looks for concrete evidence to prove our feelings and sentiments. People cannot trust what we feel and think, but they want us to see everything translated into action, and unfortunately many of the feelings and sentiments cannot be translated into concrete action, and we may even make mistakes in the act of translation, but then can they be construed as lack of commitment towards the other? I find it hard to believe that everything has to be properly translated into action, just because it is not always possible. I would love to believe, not merely concrete action showing my love and affection, but more the feelings and sentiments the other person has for me.

On the one hand, it is possible that sometimes I fail to convey to the very persons I love and care, how much they mean to me, and the unique place they hold in my life; on the other side of the spectrum, it is also possible that I give wrong signals to others on the so-called “secondary” place I give to them. I believe it all depends on the proper sync of the hearts; if the hearts are in perfect balance and synchronization, there is bound to be better vibration and understanding. Disturbance from either of the party is sure to create psychological noise, which may make the noise prominent and project it so. While I feel the need to bring my heart to proper sync, I also hope to make efforts to check on my concrete actions, to strengthen the unique place each one has in my heart.

Harvesting on Hurts

In the recent days, I have realized how easy it is to hurt someone I love and care for, and often I do it without even realizing what I am doing. These are not just passing moments in the daily chores of a person, but moments which make a deep wound in the hearts of the people concerned, wounds which may take days and months to heal, and in some cases they may be carried on for years. One question which faces me squarely today is this : why can’t I stop hurting the very people I love so much? What is the need for me to keep hurting the very people time and again, and what pleasure do I get by hurting others, especially my dear ones?

It is hard for me to recognize the pain which many of my close friends go through when I hurt them deeply, and luckily very few bounce back to charge me for spoiling their peace of mind. Many of them let the hurt take its own time to heal, and wait patiently till then, in order to relate to me as they used to before I hurt them. I also realize that I don’t hurt anyone deliberately with the intention of wounding them, but probably there is somewhere in a corner of my heart, there is an unresolved hurt feeling, caused by whomever it may be, and I only try to give vent to this quite unconsciously, and without realizing the consequences it may create.

If I look at each day, there are very few days when I had not hurt anyone, and it would be quite revealing to me if I were to keep a notebook to jot down the different persons I had hurt each day, and look at it at the end of each week. This can help me to see the picture in toto. I may also need to do its counterpart: enlist all the persons who had hurt me each day, and to take a good look at the list at the end of the week. If I were to put both these lists side by side, there might be something very revealing to me; often I hurt the very people who unconsciously had hurt me, in the spirit of tit for tat. If this spirit continues, it is sure to create uneasy feelings among friends.

Just like every sound that has been produced and let out in the ‘air’ is never lost, but hovers in the universe, and if our technology improves, we may be able to retrieve the sound back, even after several years, so also every hurt feeling that we exchange is never lost, but is in the two or more persons concerned, and it may revive the old wounds even after several years. Proper conducive atmosphere where these wounds can heal, and a proper attitude in the hearts of all concerned, can make a difference in the lives of the people, in order to reap the maximum harvest out of these growth promoting experiences. But there are many who are just frightened of facing any such situation, and they would only love to avoid them, if they can. In such people, there might be very little chance for facing the challenges of life.

I know it is impossible for me to undo the effects of hurting others by saying ‘sorry’, even if it comes from the heart of the person who hurt me, and the same is also true with me when I hurt another person. I feel sad to realize that sometimes I begin to poke into the past wounds again and again making my friends and dear ones go through untold pain and suffering. Though I would like to say sorry to them all, deep down I know that my asking pardon is useless, unless I resolve not to indulge in such cruel and harsh treatments. As a human person I can only try my best in order to take up the challenge, but I would be quite powerless before an inner demon which is activating me to do such things which I do not wish for myself. If only I can identify this demon and do something about it, I would be a better person relating to people with genuine human concern all of us are endowed with.

Bewitched for Life

During our school days, we were taught this old rhyme, Make new friends, keep the old! One is silver and the other is gold! Needless to say, we are always on the lookout for new friends, friends in need and friends in deed! We hold the pre-requisites of the kind of friends we are looking for, and look around for the one who would fit into our bill. It is not easy to find the kind of person who would fulfill all our criteria. Unfortunately there are very few computers with all the adequate data, which can give the name, address and contact telephone number of our soul-mates, to whom we would feel drawn at the very first sight! It may happen in the future, but in that case we all may lose the chance of meeting the perfect friend of our choice.

Unfortunately there is no shortcut to choose friends; we always have to start with trials, and some may reveal enduring, while others may drop out of our lives too soon. True friendship can flower forth between two persons only when both the minds find a common meeting place, of interest, of aspiration, of dream. Once the two persons begin to share their dreams or interests, they begin to take interest in the other person too. But the search for friendship is often a game of luck; sometimes we may win, and at other times, we may lose miserably. We may like the company, while the other person may not. The other person may only like to make use of us for his/her own benefits, and may move out of our lives when the job is done.

I often become suspicious of the friendships which flower forth too soon; they are like the flowers which shoot up all of a sudden, and they may also wither all too suddenly. Any person who is frantically looking for a friend to fill the vacuum created by the leaving of another, may end up with catastrophic results. We cannot go looking for a friend, but often good friends cross our ways, and at one moment our eyes may meet theirs, and there may be non-verbal communication between the day. I have realized that in many lasting friendships, the relationship had begun long before we began to talk to each other, and share information on our past, present and future. Sometimes it had taken even months, if not years before we began to roll the ball.

I am quite selective in accepting persons as friends, for every friendship entails certain amount of commitment, though the degree of commitment is quite different from those that expressed between married persons, and between God and religious persons. While I establish a commitment with the person who begins to share my life, as it were, I do not demand or expect the other person to stick to me by force. There cannot be true friendship existing under pressure; there should be mutual freedom on the part of both the parties to walk out, and seek a more suitable person as companion or friend. Perhaps this is one of the pre-conditions of true friendship.

It is no wonder then that I cannot remember anyone who went out of my life bitter, because I drove him or her from being friends. Circumstances had forced some to bid adieu, and at other times family ties and other social conditions had put a fullstop to our deep friendship, but I had always been enriched by every friendship that I had cherished down the years, and am grateful to God for all of them. Even the first intimate friend who had graced my life some 17 years ago, is always there at the corner of my heart, as I pray for her health and wellbeing, as she continues to live her life, even non-communicating to me for the past 13 years. Did I not tell that true lasting friendships go beyond all time and space?

Freedom to be

For the last few days, I had been asking myself : What do I seek in a relationship, and value the most? No, it is not the cozy feeling that I am safe and secure in the loving embrace of a friend, who would stand by me in thick and thin, nor the comfortable feeling that when I am down my friend will cheer me up and boost my morale, nor give himself or herself completely in order to reach the goal I had set for myself. All these things are there in a relationship, but I feel deep down what I seek in a relationship is the freedom to be myself, knowing absolutely sure that I would not be intimidated, I would not be rejected for being what I am, or even pooh-poohed because I do not come up to the expectations of the person I am relating to.

It is not that I have been experiencing a smooth sail in all instances of initiating, establishing and going through relationships with different persons down the years; some relationships caught me unawares, because they grew out naturally and spontaneously; there were no exertions, or unnecessary coaxing from either party to make it work. Such were the relationships I knew were going to last longer than the initial euphoria that many of the relationships pose. Sometimes even deeper relationships became bitter, when the sugar-coating was gone, and when we began to step into raw selves, and it was hard for both to come to terms with each other, and make a sincere effort to accept the other as s/he was.

There is a hidden fear in me to be what I am in the company of people who may not wish me to be what I truly am. Often I am expected to dress myself according to the moral code set by the society, according to the high expectations that many in my company have on me, and so ultimately I end up being something or someone other than what I am, and that is a painful experience. I am aware that there are grey areas in me, which the people living around me, and sometimes the people who love and care for me, do not wish to see. The social and cultural taboos cannot be exhibited in public, and there is the child in me who cries out to see the light of day; it may be quite different from what my friends may wish, but that is me, my true self.

I remember occasions when a close friend of mine was shocked to get a glimpse of my true self; oh no! she exclaimed, and at that moment I know this is not what my friend was looking for from me. Just like a turtle which pulls in its head under its hard shell, I have to keep my head under the shell, so that no one can harm me; or if I keep popping up my head outside, I may not know when one or other person would deliberately or inadvertently stamp on me. There were times I had scandalized my friends, because I was trying to be my true self; sometimes my friends advised me to “behave” myself, because I carried an identity which did not permit me to indulge in certain kinds of behavior.

I am getting used to in shocking and scandalizing people by presenting myself as authentically as I am, and sometimes it is too much for my friends to accept, and they may decide to bid goodbye forever, and I may not deliberately wish to hold them back. I do not say that my true friends should accept all the stupid and idiotic things I do, but they are not shocked when I behave in that manner, and make an effort to slowly make me understand the other layers of my actions, which may pain and agonize them. That is the responsibility I look forward to from my friends, to grant me the freedom to be myself, and slowly open the gates of the hidden self and help me embrace it willingly and joyfully!

Calling on Comparisons

Even before we begin our day, we prepare ourselves for a better tomorrow. We are not contended with the present, or things as they are, but would only look for “better” things to come, even if that remains just a dream. Human mind cannot think of persons or things or events, except in comparisons, and may be that is the reason why we are not able to live the actual people we relate with, actual things that are at our disposal and actual events we go through. Human mind is not satisfied with the status quo, but looks always for a change, which would be better than the one we are presently dealing with. Though this might seem a blessing in disguise, it has its own share of curses as well.

Recently I realized the danger of comparing persons, be they friends, coworkers, or superiors, or even siblings. I favor one of my brothers to two others, because the one I favor had been taken care of by me in his childhood days; I had carried him on my shoulders, fed him, and protected him, when my mother was out in the fields. As a result I had developed a special affinity to him, and today care for him more than the other two brothers, one elder and one younger. I often tend to look at my relationship with this brother in comparison with the other two, and feel quite justified in doing so, even when I know I might be unjustly disfavor my two other brothers and favor this brother.

If there are so much of misunderstanding between siblings, friends, coworkers, lovers and husband and wife, it is most often because we begin to compare one with another, and as one of my friends put it recently, it is like a slap on the cheek! In my family, as soon as we had the second sister-in-law my parents began to compare one with other, and soon began quarrels, misunderstandings. One was favored by my parents, while the other was avoided. Just like me, my parents too had forgotten the basic law of nature that no one on earth likes to be compared to another, especially if it is for downsizing or putting down one. That is bound to lead to misunderstanding, and even break in relationships.

It is true we wish to improve our relationship with others, and want our dear ones to come to our expectations; but when a person gives his/her very best to me, would it be justifiable to expect that person to give like the third person I might have known! Though I am aware of the dangers of comparing one with another, and yet unconsciously I do it all the time. I compare one of my superiors with another, often to say one was better than the other, and what I imply by this is : that the former was worse than the latter. It might not much matter if I make these comparisons to persons who are not involved, but if I have to say the same to even either of the persons involved, it is sure to make things bitter.

We thrive on comparisons, and while we do compare one person with another, what we indirectly mean is that this person has to be like that one; that this person has to fulfill my dreams, aspirations and needs like that of the other, even if I know that this is asking for too much. Here I fail to see what these persons are offering to me, instead I look at what they offer to me in response to my own personal needs and demands. I may be able to do greater justice to relations, if I am able to see what other peoples offer to me per se, without looking at them from my perspective, needs and wants. If this were to happen, then I might realize that there are areas where I may need to do some amount of soul-searching exercise to question what I really expect from these persons, and if I can be justified in doing so. That may be the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

Suspension of Suspicion

I feel bad for my brother, who has been having tough time with his wife for the past many years, the main problem being suspicion of his wife. He is now so frightened of his wife that he does not even dare to speak to his siblings freely and candidly. My sister reported to me that his wife does not even allow him to speak to my sister, who had lost her husband a year ago, and is now staying at our house. With a child studying in class 3, and my brother now nearing almost 45, his wife still claims that he is not a clean man. But then why did she choose to marry him? She is plain – she did not know that he was of that type.

I have come to know what suspicion can do to families; if my brother’s family is in deep trouble, it is all because of the suspicion of my sister-in-law, so much so that she feels obliged to guard her husband all the time. Formerly my brother used to play leadership roles in the Church and community service, but my sister-in-law had forced him to stop all these, because she suspected him speaking to ladies, some of them too young, and she could not tolerate it. She had not verified any of her allegations, and everyone knows for sure most of her allegations are baseless, but that is how suspicions grow and thrive. If only she had trusted my brother and believed in him, the family would be a happy and peaceful family.

Any relationship is based on trust and confidence; I feel frightened of relating to persons who are suspicious of my relationship with others, and sometimes I even dare to tell them that I cannot relate to persons who have innate capacity to suspect. If these people suspect my faithfulness, fidelity and commitment to them, and try to check for themselves if I am failing in fulfilling my part, then they may be spared; but if they begin to suspect how I am relating to others, if I am closer and more intimate with others than this particular person, then I consider it unwarranted, and is breaking the basic trust I had in her, and she in me.

Any relationship is sure to crack the very moment one of the partners raises the question of faithfulness and fidelity; even in marriage, the mutual relationship is strengthened and revitalised by trust and confidence. A wife cannot follow her husband wherever he goes, and similarly a husband cannot follow his wife wherever she goes. There are indeed possibilities of mistakes and slips, especially if the gentleman or the lady is smart and good-looking, and therefore attracts many persons to him/her. But that should not be construed as betrayal of the one s/he is committed to. We cannot live as an island, and need the support of all in society, and restricting any kind of relationship is sure to slowly break the social fabric.

Common sense says that if I begin to suspect my partner in a relationship, what is the guarantee that my companion cannot suspect me of the same, and how can I prove to the other that I am beyond all suspicion? I have begun to trust my friends unconditionally, and do not feel the need to know anything about with whom they are relating to, what their relationship is like, and how many times they speak to each other, what they write to each other on email, etc. I find it quite unnecessary and immaterial, because that is not my concern. I can be concerned about my relationship with her, but not her relationship with someone else. She has to manage it, irrespective of me, and I respect her freedom to do so! She may even have my blessings for it.

Friend in Need

Science and technology have developed all sorts of sophisticated machinery to make our lives cozy and comfortable; we were able to even intrude into the complicated biodiversity, and change the very nature of plants and animals. The more we make our lives comfortable and cozy, the more lonely does humanity feels. In the ratrace to acquire more money and wealth, the rich have forgotten to rest, and the middleclass do not want to give chance to fate; and the poor keep pushing themselves beyond their capacity in an effort to come to terms with what life has in store for them. But ultimately the plight of the poor is far more manageable than that of the wealthy.

What the modern world cannot create is friends, the proverbial people who can change our lives drastically. To have found a faithful friend is equivalent to have found a priceless treasure, and it is not easy to find one with whom our hearts would jel. Unfortunately there are no set rules and criteria to find if the so-called friend is truly a friend or just a selfish, self-centered opportunist. There is no better criteria to test and examine a friend than life itself, and it would be sad if there are people in the world who do not find time to discover a friend for themselves. The world will never lack true friends, just as it would never lack the sun, moon and stars to keep us going.

I have realized that in human relationships, and especially in a lasting friendship, we want our friends to dance according to our tunes; we become defensive as soon as something critical is voiced. We know the popular adadge, a friend is the one who knows our weaknesses and yet accepts us as we are! The role of true friendship does not stop with reflecting my true image, but also goes to reflect my other half, the undisclosed part. We can find life becoming more enjoyable, when we permit our friends to play the role of devil's advocate!

I have learned so much in life about being friends that for the sake of a true friend, I would be prepared to give up all that I possess! But there are more misconceptions about friends and friendship than there are in actuality. If there is someone who claims to have more than a hundred friends, I would not swollow his/her words too easily. They cannot be friends, but mere acquintances; all those I am in touch with and relate to cannot become my friends. Here is one simple way to test who my true friend is/are: when I am in a crisis situation, the first person/s I think of in order to seek asylum or counsel or help, s/he or they are my true friends.

I like the expression, that the true friend is the one in front of whom I would not hesitate whatsoever to strip myself naked, and present myself as I truly am. Of course this means I cannot have the audacity or the guts to strip myself naked before everyone I am relating to; if I do that, then I am not a friend, but merely an exhibitionist. When husband and wife become friends, the friendship that exist between them is raised to a higher level, and the love that exist between them reaches yet another landmark location in life. Today is a day to toast for all our friends, all who have come our way since birth, and for all those who are waiting to enter into our lives!

Divine Hospitality

I believe in the beautiful little Sanskrit sloka, which says, athito devo bhava, i.e. guests are like gods, and as and when possible try to show that in action. To make the strangers comfortable in our company is no mean feat; especially when the resources to really provide for the guests are limited, to cheer them up despite the scarcity is an art in itself; after all, what a stranger would expect in a new place is not the comfort of a cozy room, a royal banquet and men and women standing to serve them, but the comfort of a home away from home. Probably that is the real test of hospitality – when the stranger is able to feel at home, take liberty to stretch out and enjoy a cup of coffee or tea, and relax! Another allied test which I feel is equally important is, if the guest is able to sleep well! If someone is going to have nightmares in the middle of the night, probably there might have been amiss in the hospitality.

There are men and women when placed as hosts may go out of their way to make their guests comfortable; we also come across people who would keep a little distance, showing the guest room and getting rid of you with an artificial smile, and a formal “Good night”. One of the truths in the art of hospitality is that the sense of feeling comfortable does not remain with the material arrangements or the ambience which is created by the accessories, but in the human hearts which glow with warmth and genuine interest in the other. Just the presence of some people is enough to put us in a cozy ambience that we may not require anything else.

One of the first lessons of the art of hospitality is the ability to take time off from one’s preoccupations, some of which may be urgent and unavoidable, in order to spend some quality time with the guest who might land up unannounced, and at an odd hour, which may not be suitable to our convenience. The time I am able to give for the unannounced guest is the sign that I care for him/her and value the person as s/he is. If I am not able to give even a little bit of my time for the guest, who might have sought hospitality with me, then the person would think twice before seeking hospitality the next time. However the person who is able to leave all personal preoccupations aside in order to BE with the guests gains more virtues for all generations.

Over the years, I have come across hosts of all sorts, some would keep the dividing line between host and guest markedly clear, and would not dare make the other person feel at home, and there had been others who would pamper you with so much of attention and care that you might feel that it is done in excess. But there is nothing called excess in hospitality, except in the case where one wants to just show off s/he is the best host in the whole world. The people in the villages are experts in the art of extending hospitality to friends and foes; their treatment of guests may not vary greatly to friends and strangers, which would show that humanity has not become insane yet.

Another aspect of the art of hospitality is the warmth with which we invite people to share our lives, not the extraordinary situations, but the daily meals, recreation, study or a quiet evening. If there are some who feel drawn to come to me, to spend some quiet moments, not so much to seek my good counsel or to advise me on an issue or problem, but just to be what s/he is, then I should feel proud to be a welcome host. If about half the humanity still believes in tit-for-tat, then I can expect the same kind of treatment I give to my guests as host from others. Ultimately if I can find a chord which vibrates with the other – the host and the guest – lifting their voices in unison, then we can say that the guests have soared to the heights of gods!

Calling convictions to account

I don't really know what had gone wrong with me that there had been a tenor of anger in me for the past few days; I seemed to get angry with anyone for no specific reason. It is not that I was not aware of what had been going on within me for the past few days, but it is not all that easy to put my finger into the exact reason. It is true there had been some of my very close friends who seemed to be rubbing me at the wrong side; the very people whom I thought would stand by me when I am down, turned out to be part of my problem. Just as I raised my voice when we spoke, they wondered what made me to behave in an unusual way (when have I behaved in an usual way? they sometimes ask me)!

One thing for sure, I cannot go on like this for long; I may have to either stop behaving this way, or I may find myself in an asylum (I should be lucky not be chained!). My problem (when no one is there to own up this problem, it is proper that I own this up), if I can recollect well, has its origin when I began to question the convictions of one of my friends. Probably I was trying to touch the very nerve center of my friend, and therefore there was an explosion; it is possible that the explosion did not take place externally, but I felt it deep within me, and I was not prepared for it.

Convictions are the most precious thing I treasure deep within my heart, and very seldom would I dare to compromise with them, for whatever reason, though in the recent years I have become a bit more sober and compromising with them. But still, I feel that the convictions which I had been grooming all these years are my riches, and it is painful when someone questions me about them. But that is precisely what I was placing my fingers, when I questioned my friend about one of her convictions. Maybe I could not accept her conviction as one which I can easily agree to, and so I had to draw myself from the entire scene. That is where it all began.

I tried to show the anger I had on her to others, and at the end of the day, I felt that I had not spared anyone, and many of them were quite innocent. When I do not expect anyone to question my convictions, I found it hard to do the same with others. Is it a sign of my superiority feeling or that I cannot accept others too having convictions, grown out of life's sweet and sour moments. Over the years I have also learned good many lessons, which made me reconsider some of the convictions, which I could not give up under any circumstances. Ultimately, I realize, what is more important is not that I hold the convictions as the Gospel truth, but that I have become a truly human person!

It is hard for me to accept the kind of conviction she holds on to, and I am not going to give it up for my sake either; but one thing is for sure, I am not going to question it. It is the fruit of her life's experiences and it is for her to question them, and it is not my business to do that. I will have to grow in the humility which may remind me that I cannot make others to dance according to my tunes. I may not have the guts to acknowledge what has happened to me actually, but one thing for sure, next time when I hear someone expressing his/her conviction, I will think twice before questioning or refuting them!

Called to be truly human

Sitting with over sixty men and women in a conference room in St Xavier's College, Kolkata to re-dedicate to the ideals shown and lived by a late Jesuit priest of Belgian origin, gave me a very different kind of feeling; it is hard for me to really identify the feeling, because it always seemed somewhat elusive. A kind of disturbance or inner agitation, or peace and serenity - to put it bluntly it was a bag full of mixed feelings. That is what this great man - Gerard Beckers, who gained a shorter name from his friends and admirers, Babu, really was! He was not an easy man to live with, but the number of men and women who had assembled three years after his death, on his very death anniversary, bore witness to the fact that it was his "difficult" nature, which had left an indelible mark in them, and they are all grateful for that.

I don't know why, but I was not fascinated by Babu during his life-time, but while attending his funeral at the college ground, and later on interacting with the people who had been changed due to him, I felt guilty for not knowing this great soul; I had my own prejudices, many of them even negative! But it had taken me quite a while to realize that often I look at people what they look like, rather than what they really are. Unfortunately the real Babu had always eluded me, even as we had casual talk now and then, and today while listening to the people who had been touched by him, I feel guilty for not knowing him.

If so many men and women had been touched by this man, I was asking myself, why did I not make an attempt to know him? It is possible that I was looking at Babu, and every man and woman who was worth his/her salt, with my own colored glasses, and began to sit in seats of judgement without taking the trouble to know them. If there are not many people who have had great impact on me, it is because I have not allowed others to shake me, knock me, and even toss me! I had been protecting myself too strongly from the influence of others, that I remained just what I was many years ago, and that is something I regret today.

Every tree is shaped by the wind and rain, and it is the strong cyclonic winds and stormy nights which strengthen the trees, and these are the real moments of testing; but I had often refused to undergo these ordeals, keeping myself free from any external influence. If only there are people who could challenge my own narrow-mindedness and even take me to task, I might be quite different today. But as I stand at the mid-point of life, there is a growing fear in me that I am too old to learn any new tricks, and so let my old self live as long as it can, and die a peaceful death! But what would that mean to the world?

Today I would like to resurrect Babu to rise up and challenge me, challenge my mediocrity, half-heartedness, the cozy world that I had woven around me, the company of men and women who have power, security and strength to fight all odds in life! I would like to see Babu taking my hand across a stony and thorny path, barefooted, to let the thorns of the wayside poke me, and make me feel the pain and agony which has become part of reality in the lives of millions of men and women around me. I wish Babu can make me a human, with flesh and blood that are alive to human cry for help! I wish one day I become truly human!

The Twelfth Hour Virgins

There are some people who cannot foresee things, and would love to keep things pending until the last hour, and when the hour has come, they get so worried that they either get stomach ache [a psychosomatic disease], or head ache [result of tension in the body and mind], and so would have to be relieved. Yesterday when one of my friends told me that she was wanted to help out a companion of hers to organize the inauguration of a new Formation House, and today my friend said that there were far too many things left undone, kept for the last hour. If my friend had not gone to help her companion, then probably many of the important works would have remained undone. We cannot blame the people who cannot plan out things well ahead of time, and execute them one by one; they may have their own limitations, but we also need to look at the other side of the spectrum.

It may sound judgmental if I were to say that if people who keep important things for the last hour are perpetual procrastinators, a definite sign of disorder in their personal life. This may also imply a tendency to distrust companions and co-staff, to delegate the works that need to be accomplished. Ultimately such people may find enough and more excuses to say why they were not able to complete some of the important works on time, one of the most common and vital is what is known in psychology as the ‘blame game’. They may blame everyone on earth, not sparing even God and nature, the wind and rain.

There is another group of people who prefer to give their best shot when they are kept under pressure. If they are given a month to complete a particular job, probably they may not be able to do it, or their output may not be as satisfactory as when they are given just three days to complete the work. How and why this happens is simple psychology: when they are given a month to complete a job, their energy is diffused and so is also their attention and concentration. When they have just three days to finish the job, then their energy is concentrated on the job, and thus they are able to do a better job. I find myself under this category, and that is not to say that I can work only under such pressure. There are certain jobs which may require on-going monitoring and supervision, which cannot be asked to be done within a few days.

Those who wait for the last minute to get things done, can be very well compared to the five foolish virgins, who had taken their lamps but not the oil, and they realize this only when the hour has come. This parable of Jesus has a lot to teach us. If we had to complete a work or two, because of sheer ignorance or circumstances, it is understandable, and at such circumstances people may not find excuses to justify their failure to do the job. Whatever be the logic or rationale that the people who keep things for the last hour give, we cannot forget the fact that the order and discipline that people have in their personal lives is reflected in their social and community life.

It is said that one of the main reasons for people to keep things pending until the eleventh hour is because they starting addressing a particular task or work from ground zero, and what may bring out better result is when they begin to start from the final result and start working from the end backward. That is what is so very obvious in God’s creation of the world and the history/mystery of salvation. Keeping the end in mind always [and keeping a visual representation of the end in some form or other at a place where the eyes will fall on several times a day, such as in front of the study table or beside the bed,] can be highly rewarding. That may also give the person satisfaction that the end is slowly taking shape, and that itself maybe enough reason for him/her to hasten the completion of the work.