The Phantom within

There was a little fear within me as I readied to receive feedback about me, and how I came across to my companions, especially with whom I sat for “business” discussions every month. I had been quite conscious about many of the things which were going on in me for quite some time, and were working on some areas too. Now the fear was not about some unknown phantoms coming out of my cupboard, but about naming and accepting the one’s which had been living with me for quite many years, so much so I might have taken them for granted. Now is the time for me to take a good look at them again, and recognize them for what they truly are in my life.

Known devils are better than unknown angels, so goes a popular adage, and how true it is. The unknown phantoms living within me frightens me, and I have to make all effort not to let them get out at a moment when I least expected them. There were some other phantoms which were hiding behind myself, and I was least aware of them – when my companions gave feedback about me, these phantoms came across to me as unacceptable vices on my part. Two of my companions said that others may find it hard to work with me, because of my domineering attitude, and one said that I might find it hard to work with others.

I realize that all of my companions had a little bit of truth, and it would be a great danger if they asserted that they were absolutely sure about what they said about me; I am aware that even my own understanding of my limitations were conditioned by my awareness and consciousness. I felt that my friends were giving too much importance to the feedback given by others, and undermining my own realization of my limitations. The views and feedback of each one is conditioned by their own limitations and perspectives, and it would be next to impossible to separate these views from the personal bias.

But to be aware of the phantoms is one thing, and it is another thing to recognize the phantoms as residing inside of me. There is always a tendency in me to disown the phantoms, or attributing them to someone else, or to find excuses for their presence in my life. I know the same is also true with all my other friends and companions. There is not a single individual who from the very start embraces the phantoms without any reservation. All of them have their own excuses and limitations, but to name the nameless and faceless phantoms and giving them a space in the reality of our existence can make a lot of difference, and that is what I am struggling with just now.

I hesitate to accept everything that my companions tell me as gospel truth; there are more than enough evidences which say that many of my friends impose on me phantoms of their own making, and in psychology this could be just a matter of projection, and they may not even be realizing that they are doing this, either consciously or unconsciously. Not all phantoms are horrifying, and some of them could even be so very gentle and cool that even an angel may fail in comparison with them. Not all phantoms are evil and blood-mongers, some of them may even love to disappear into thin air, if that would help me to come to terms with the hardcore realities of life and embrace them wholeheartedly. This is time I welcome the phantoms and hug them lovingly.