Kissing all the way

It is after quite some time that I am back to my blog, to recapture some of the significant moments of the day, to reflect about them, and savor what life has to offer to me, through me to my friends, and through my friend to me. I felt sad when one of the friends shared about her friends who had been demanding something more than what she could legitimately give by herself. It was about relationship she had been nurturing for the past one year with this young man, who of late had been demanding something more than mere cordial and open conversation with her. He had been, she said, asking her to visit him when he is alone, so that they could “exchange” what is due to both. This had been disturbing this friend, and she could not think of any “exchange” between them, but had been finding it hard to tell him directly about what she felt about this.

She was frank to admit that this young man was not the first person she really “fell” in love with; she had been “going steady” with another young man for quite many years, and she had not been allowing that young man to take undue advantage of her. She desired to keep a safe distance which befitted her special calling, and the many attempts of her first thick friend could not move her from the resolve she had made, and had been quite happy about. But she has felt that she was at a cross-road, and the new man she had been feeling for dearly, had communicated to her in more than clear terms that he would love to exchange certain niceties, which included hugging and kissing. This of course, could only be done in private, when they were alone.

There is reasonable amount of fear in her, that if she were to give in to the demands of this new friend, it could lead her to further submissions, and ultimately could even ruin her peace and happiness she had been enjoying for the past years. But things are not that easy for her, because she had felt over the months that this young man had been coming so close to her, that she felt it was divine providence that they came together, and she would hate to part ways with him. The mutual appreciation that these two experienced had strengthened their bond, and she dare not sever ties, and that had been disturbing her for the past few days. On the one side is her conviction that she cannot let anyone take her for a royal ride, making her do something which her conscience does not allow her to, and on the other is her liking for this person.

I realize that her situation is not so easy to work through; in either way it is sure to pain her, and all that I could suggest her was that she should be faithful to her conscience. If she begins to submit her conscience to the whims and fancies of this young man, and let him take her for a ride, she is sure to experience a guilty conscience at sometime or other. If she has to stick to her convictions, then there are all the chances that the relationship cannot continue, not only because she would not allow him to have his ways with her, but also because this “lakshman-rekha” is sure to put the man at a distance, not allowing him to come anymore close to this woman.

According to me, the lady should choose ultimately what is going to bring her inner peace and happiness, and not necessarily the momentary peace which the friendship and relationship this young man had been fostering with her. It is, no doubt, going to be tough for her, but it is sure to keep her faithful to her calling, her convictions and the kind of value system she had been convinced of for many years. She also shared with me how she had to shun several young man during her past years, when they tried to come too close to her, demanding all too fast “hugs and kisses”. It is possible that the joy of forsaking this unhealthy relationship will be far greater than the joy that the company of this man might give to her; but in that case, she should be prepared to bear the consequences, and stand firmly by her convictions, instead of forsaking them to save the relationship which could possibly bury all her values and convictions. But it is she who has to make a choice!

Bewitched for Life

During our school days, we were taught this old rhyme, Make new friends, keep the old! One is silver and the other is gold! Needless to say, we are always on the lookout for new friends, friends in need and friends in deed! We hold the pre-requisites of the kind of friends we are looking for, and look around for the one who would fit into our bill. It is not easy to find the kind of person who would fulfill all our criteria. Unfortunately there are very few computers with all the adequate data, which can give the name, address and contact telephone number of our soul-mates, to whom we would feel drawn at the very first sight! It may happen in the future, but in that case we all may lose the chance of meeting the perfect friend of our choice.

Unfortunately there is no shortcut to choose friends; we always have to start with trials, and some may reveal enduring, while others may drop out of our lives too soon. True friendship can flower forth between two persons only when both the minds find a common meeting place, of interest, of aspiration, of dream. Once the two persons begin to share their dreams or interests, they begin to take interest in the other person too. But the search for friendship is often a game of luck; sometimes we may win, and at other times, we may lose miserably. We may like the company, while the other person may not. The other person may only like to make use of us for his/her own benefits, and may move out of our lives when the job is done.

I often become suspicious of the friendships which flower forth too soon; they are like the flowers which shoot up all of a sudden, and they may also wither all too suddenly. Any person who is frantically looking for a friend to fill the vacuum created by the leaving of another, may end up with catastrophic results. We cannot go looking for a friend, but often good friends cross our ways, and at one moment our eyes may meet theirs, and there may be non-verbal communication between the day. I have realized that in many lasting friendships, the relationship had begun long before we began to talk to each other, and share information on our past, present and future. Sometimes it had taken even months, if not years before we began to roll the ball.

I am quite selective in accepting persons as friends, for every friendship entails certain amount of commitment, though the degree of commitment is quite different from those that expressed between married persons, and between God and religious persons. While I establish a commitment with the person who begins to share my life, as it were, I do not demand or expect the other person to stick to me by force. There cannot be true friendship existing under pressure; there should be mutual freedom on the part of both the parties to walk out, and seek a more suitable person as companion or friend. Perhaps this is one of the pre-conditions of true friendship.

It is no wonder then that I cannot remember anyone who went out of my life bitter, because I drove him or her from being friends. Circumstances had forced some to bid adieu, and at other times family ties and other social conditions had put a fullstop to our deep friendship, but I had always been enriched by every friendship that I had cherished down the years, and am grateful to God for all of them. Even the first intimate friend who had graced my life some 17 years ago, is always there at the corner of my heart, as I pray for her health and wellbeing, as she continues to live her life, even non-communicating to me for the past 13 years. Did I not tell that true lasting friendships go beyond all time and space?

Streams of Sympathy

It may be hard to believe, but I think sympathy is directly related to selfishness, and to a large extent self-centeredness. I have several examples to illustrate this point. When I am drawn to sympathy towards the urchin begging at the road-side, and I dolling out a five rupees coin, I am not so much giving him anything, rather than giving something to myself. I would have the psychological satisfaction that I was able to share (and it may never dawn to me that what I had done is far from sharing) the little I had! The truck-load of inner satisfaction is worth the five rupees coin! But that is where my sympathy stops!

My friend still feels that she was partially right in expressing her sympathy towards a friend of hers, by allowing him to pour out all his pain and agony to her! It is true that the gentleman needed someone to whom he could disclose his ins and outs, without being careful to edit out the more sensitive episodes, but I feel he was seeking something more than a patient pair of ears! Nor was he seeking mere sympathy, though his self-pity could have mady any one to be sympathetic towards him. It may not be easy for women to read through the thin lines of men, who project something, while meaning something else! That was what I was cautioning my friend to be careful about!

But there is something else about sympathy. I was asking myself, is there any place for sympathy between friends? Where does sympathy really fit in? Friendship, by its very definition, is a relationship which is established based on mutual trust. If there is already trust between two persons, then how can sympathy pop up? Will a friend seek sympathy from his/her friend? We approach friends, only because we trust that person would get into our shoes, and feel with us. Probably even the word 'empathy' may not adequately express what happens between two good, genuine friends. But it is far from self-centered sympathy!

There is yet another angle to the entire story: the young man expected something which my friend refused to offer, and the man was greatly offended and even hurt! A person who wished to pour out his soul to a confidante generally would not expect anything more than unburdening of oneself; what would put a period to his long winding stories could be a sigh of relief that he was able to "throw off" all that had been causing his psychological indigestion! If a person comes with a calculated agenda, and looks for it, and even taking the liberty to demand it, on the basis of friendship, can such a relationship be trusted (however long it had taken to groom it!)?

I am careful if I feel sympathetic towards someone; the chances of making use of those who are in a vulnerable position are heightened, if my psychological need to satisfy my ego is equally blown. It is possible, when we relate to persons, we really do not think about all these, the notions of self-centeredness and sympathy, satisfying the ego, etc. But we will be able to trace the path and find on hind sight that we were not as holy as we thought to be. Ultimately it is not to blame anyone, but to see each one as one really is, without labels and attributes. I have realized that signs of 'sympathy' can switch on the danger light in me, and I am cautioned to go beyond it, towards entering into another's shoes by empathising, and at the same time careful not to breach friendship!

Friend in Need

Science and technology have developed all sorts of sophisticated machinery to make our lives cozy and comfortable; we were able to even intrude into the complicated biodiversity, and change the very nature of plants and animals. The more we make our lives comfortable and cozy, the more lonely does humanity feels. In the ratrace to acquire more money and wealth, the rich have forgotten to rest, and the middleclass do not want to give chance to fate; and the poor keep pushing themselves beyond their capacity in an effort to come to terms with what life has in store for them. But ultimately the plight of the poor is far more manageable than that of the wealthy.

What the modern world cannot create is friends, the proverbial people who can change our lives drastically. To have found a faithful friend is equivalent to have found a priceless treasure, and it is not easy to find one with whom our hearts would jel. Unfortunately there are no set rules and criteria to find if the so-called friend is truly a friend or just a selfish, self-centered opportunist. There is no better criteria to test and examine a friend than life itself, and it would be sad if there are people in the world who do not find time to discover a friend for themselves. The world will never lack true friends, just as it would never lack the sun, moon and stars to keep us going.

I have realized that in human relationships, and especially in a lasting friendship, we want our friends to dance according to our tunes; we become defensive as soon as something critical is voiced. We know the popular adadge, a friend is the one who knows our weaknesses and yet accepts us as we are! The role of true friendship does not stop with reflecting my true image, but also goes to reflect my other half, the undisclosed part. We can find life becoming more enjoyable, when we permit our friends to play the role of devil's advocate!

I have learned so much in life about being friends that for the sake of a true friend, I would be prepared to give up all that I possess! But there are more misconceptions about friends and friendship than there are in actuality. If there is someone who claims to have more than a hundred friends, I would not swollow his/her words too easily. They cannot be friends, but mere acquintances; all those I am in touch with and relate to cannot become my friends. Here is one simple way to test who my true friend is/are: when I am in a crisis situation, the first person/s I think of in order to seek asylum or counsel or help, s/he or they are my true friends.

I like the expression, that the true friend is the one in front of whom I would not hesitate whatsoever to strip myself naked, and present myself as I truly am. Of course this means I cannot have the audacity or the guts to strip myself naked before everyone I am relating to; if I do that, then I am not a friend, but merely an exhibitionist. When husband and wife become friends, the friendship that exist between them is raised to a higher level, and the love that exist between them reaches yet another landmark location in life. Today is a day to toast for all our friends, all who have come our way since birth, and for all those who are waiting to enter into our lives!