Presence

As I was preparing to go to sleep, I could get the smell of incence, and I just looked through my windows to the pavement, next to our gate, and I could see a few men and women sitting silently near the senior lady who had lost her husband. Occasionally I could hear the crying of women, but for the most part there was absolute silence. And that was the scene when I woke up too. There were some ten to fifteen men and women around the senior lady, and there was no talking, but only empathetic silence. I was wondering what a wonderful way of expressing their empathy for the bereaved family, which perhaps had nothing to offer to the relatives and well-wishers who might have come from far, not even a cup of tea, but they did not seem to mind it.

Death is a moment when life seems to be taking the cruelest form of revenge on humanity. We cannot resist when death knocks at our doors, but be prepared to open wide the doors and let the angel of death lead our dear ones across the shore. The pain and agony that people go through at the death of a senior person, one who has lived the ripe old age, and was making space for the younger ones, is relatively much less in comparison to the young persons who die at the prime of their life, or still worse children dying a premature death. Whatever be our complaints and allegations against the gods, we have no way of undoing what has been predestined. The best that we could offer is to stand by those who have been robbed of their breadwinners, their main support and their sustenance.

It was hard for me to go through the loss of the dear ones, when a close friend of mine lost her father, just in his early fifties. He had his two unmarried daughters, and a son who was barely 10 years old. No one ever thought that he would leave the world so soon; they were not even prepared to believe that he was no more. My friend had lost her loving father, who had supported her all through, even when her mother would scorn and inflict pains on her. I felt there was very little that I could do, but the next moment I realized for the people who are devastated, any little help given them is great; they did not even have the strength and stamina to organize a vehicle to take the body to Bangalore from Chennai where the death took place in a hospital. I stayed with them for four days to provide the much needed consolation for them.

In a tribal society, death in a family is sequel to death in the whole village; all celebrations are cancelled until the impurity is purged; often it could take about one month to forty days. This is another way of showing solidarity and sympathy for the bereaved family. The village community stands with the family which has lost some one, and everyone gathers to bid the final goodbye for the person. It is a wonderful gesture that the young and old gather round the dead person, and when the bone-drowning ceremony (bhandan) is to take place, the villagers offer the favorites of the dead person, including eatables, beeri, cigarette and anything that could be useful for them. I had seen the same thing happening among the burial ceremony of the mainstream society too. Another way of expressing solidarity.

To get back to the Muslim family which had lost the senior member of the family, there is no cooking in the family and it was quite obvious that all the members had been keeping awake all through the night, and when it was morning, I could see some of the ladies lying near our Church; they were all fatigued and still they kept vigil, with the family of the dead person, and I don’t know how long this will continue. There is very little conversation between them, but all the men and women seem to vibrate with one another. Even in their utmost poverty and privation, they seemed to have plenty to offer to the people very much in need of their silent presence by their side. In a world that is being torn apart on the basis of color, caste and creed, the loving presence of neighbors and relatives is soothing for the heavy hearts.

Nurturing the Neighbor (Lent 3)

Lent is a beautiful occasion for us to ask ourselves, who is my neighbor! Actually the question that is often on the tip of our lips is nothing new; there are thousands of seekers ahead of us, who have asked the same question, and some 2000 years ago, Jesus had already answered this question with a story, the parable of the Good Samaritan! Here in this story we shall find the elements of the previous two notions, of listening to one’s inner spirit, expressing unconditional empathy, and it leads to yet another level of making the other person as an extension of oneself. The good Samaritan does not see a stranger on the road, but a reflection of himself, part of his own Being. He could not help but reach out to him with spontaneous willingness to suffer.

If there is so much of division, conflict, violence and bloodshed in the world, the most important reason why these things happen is because we have not known who is the other! We are used to looking at the other as someone outside of me! Martin Buber made popular the notion of ‘we’ and ‘they’ and we have cleverly managed to look at ourselves as different from the others. Linguistic groups, religious sects, ethnic communities, thrive because they convince the masses that “we” are different from “they”, and that they cannot sacrifice their group identity at the expense of the other, and that would only lead to their suicide, so they are brainwashed, and the result is conflict, violence and bloodshed.

The Vedas had taught us to look at us as ‘aham brahmasmi’ (I am Brahman), and if I am Brahman, then what about the other? Of course everyone is Brahman; the Greeks had proposed the theory of ‘demigods’, that everyone is an extension of God, or part of Godhead. If I see God in the other person, would I dare to cheat him, look at her with lustful eyes, attempt to rob the little he has, shed his blood in order to rob the house? The very moment I look at myself as God, and so are others, then the entire outlook changes, and I cannot do most of the things that I often take it for granted. And that is where the final judgment scene of Matthew 25 makes sense.

What do I think about my neighbor, especially those with whom I do not feel at ease, people who do not entertain my views and ideas, people who think very different from mine, people who often outshine me in several fields? Until I get out of my own self, I would not be entering into the spirit of Lent, which necessarily invites me to get out of my self, in order to enter into another self, the Self of the other. The world unfortunately, has taught us to love our own self, shower the greatest encomium to our own self and its image, forgetting the other persons are but extensions of my own image and likeness, which again is the image and likeness of God himself.

But is it possible for me to look at the other person, especially my rivals and enemies as extension of my own self? It is, and the season of lent may be a good occasion for us to practice this : all that I should do is to look at the other person as a looking mirror; that is all I need to do! Now when I look at another person (and if he is a looking mirror), what would I see? Of course, the image of my own self, and if that is the case, would I dare to harm him or her? Would I dare to rob his/her possessions? Here I would go beyond all narrow categories the world has created for me, the linguistic, regional, religious, cultural, ethnic, everything will come to a naught as soon as I place a looking mirror. Let us carry this mirror wherever we go, and we can be sure, we are safe, and others are also safe with us!

Engraving Empathy (Lent 2)

One of the best illustrations to explain empathy is ‘to get into another’s shoes’, and that truly means a lot. When we come to the level of empathy, we cannot be mere spectators, outsiders, who have no direct correlation to the people affected. It is not to shed crocodile tears for the suffering, nor is it to condescend on the people who are less fortunate or unfortunate, as the case may be! It refers to climbing down from one’s pedestal to be one with the affected. The word “coming down” has its own significance in the mystery of salvation, and Tagore in one of his beautiful poems from Gitanjali would hark on this image of “coming down”, when he says, “Such is your love, that you came down for us”.

One of the pre-conditions of expressing empathy is that I first of all give up my pedestal, give up my comfort and security, to take part in the insecurity of the other! I cannot hold on to my own security and yet wish to empathize with a suffering brother or sister. Thus to empathize with another person is not a joke, nor is it a casual act of charity I can do at will. There are very few challenging thing in life than to expressing empathy for a known or unknown brother or sister. Empathy is sure to disturb my social security system, my well-chalked out programs, my relationship with others, my good name and honor; everything may go haywire with empathy, but we shall realize at the end that it is all worth the trouble.

When I come down to get into the shoes of another, I am also soaring up in my listening capacity; from being able to listen to my inner Spirit, I am able to “participate” in the inner silence of the other. Beyond the cry, suffering and pain of the other is the inner silence of each person, and in empathy, I allow myself to mingle with the silence of the other. I am rising to a higher level of sensitivity, and experience of the ever Present, the eternal Now! Thus empathy is not a human act, but a call to participate in the divine confluence of stillness, where all tears and sweat find their culmination; where all pain and suffering find their end.

Let me present yet another image to empathy! It is to wear the color glasses of another; I would be seeing the world with his/her eyes; if the world looks green to him, so should it be for me; if the sun looks yellow for him, so should it be for me too. What happens here is something difficult to grasp: I am giving up my personal liberty, will, memory, understanding, in order to become a passive power, which can to tossed, molded by another. I become powerless before the world, when I put on these color glasses, and it is only I who would be able to realize the immense power of being powerless! After all most of world’s most powerful persons were powerless in one way or the other!

One of the greatest tests that the world would present to me, if I venture to empathize with my brothers and sisters, it is the endurance test for empathy! The wax candle which consumes itself in order to shed light cannot last forever; there is a time frame attached to it! There may be occasions when it may be threatened by the breeze from outside or the air from the ceiling fan, but when it allows itself to burn completely and unconditionally, its duty is done. Every test for empathy is a leap in faith in the eternal Being, who alone is the master of the universe, in whose lap all the worlds find existence. Empathy transports me from the human to the divine world! It is a gateway to eternity!

Daring to Cross Boundaries

I have great regards and appreciation for those who cross boundaries – cultural, religious, national, linguistic and ideological, to name a few. For me these are people who are worthy of our praise, because they have crossed the barriers which often keep us within a particular culture, religion or nation, and it would take quite a bit of courage and guts to cross over to the other side. But in this case, the other side is not always proverbial greener part, but the one which invites to fight continuously against the very group of people one belongs to, and that is not always pleasant, as the story of Mahabharata tells us. To fight against one’s own people is the most painful of all battles.

I had decided to join the wedding dinner of this staff of our social center, not because he is known to me intimately or that his family is well-known to me. The main reason I wanted to go and wish the couple is because the couple are starting their life together with a different note. It is not the normal note that all songs begin. I was not aware of the story of this wedding, until one of my young companions today narrated me over the lunch table, and since then my appreciation for the bridegroom has increased manifold. Has he done anything heroic, worthy of such praise? To my mind he mind have done something praise worthy, but for him it might not.

To decide to marry a girl/woman who is already married and separated, for whatsoever reason it may be, one needs to have a lot of courage and determination. At the age of 32, this young man is already fighting a big battle with poverty and privation; with difficulty his mother had managed to get his elder sister married off, and they had to wait for another two years to collect some more money to organize the wedding of this young man, who but gets a meager salary, and his mother is still paid a lump sum amount for looking after our sick and senior fathers. But it is not easy to manage a family with the salary of the mother and son, and at this juncture is the marriage arranged.

Some years ago, when both the boy and the girl joined our social centre for work, they used to tease each other. It is said that the marriage of the girl, at the age of 18, broke soon after because her husband was found to be impotent, and when they were preparing to get separated, her present husband used to tease her that she had married an impotent. But teasing might have soon become a feeling of empathy for her, and later flowered into love. I believe no one can marry another out of sympathy, not even for a higher cause; that would only defeat the very purpose of marriage. I would take my hats off to both of them that their love could travel so far.

But crossing boundaries? The boy is originally a Tamil, and the girl a Bengali; the boy is Catholic and the girl traditional Hindu; the boy is at home with Hindi, while the girl in Bengali. But I believe that true love can break all boundaries; after all, love knows no language, and that is the reason why event the blind, deaf and dumb can love others and experience the love of others. I know one thing for sure, that the more the boundaries one crosses in life, the better will be the joy and happiness in reserve for him/her. Crossing boundaries also makes one strong to face any future challenge and difficulty. Such people are often courageous persons, who do not easily shy away from facing difficulties. Today at the core of my heart, I would like to bless both of them to cross many more boundaries which may come their way to enter into the world of happiness and joy.

Practising the Preaching

It is long since that I realized that what the poor people look up to from the people who have is not so much the material benefits, or money or favors, but a sympathetic, or better still, an empathetic, presence. In their struggles, pain and anxieties, they would like to lean on someone who may not let them down to die. As an educated person with degrees from some of the best known colleges in the country, and with knowledge of English which immediately puts me with the top 25 per cent of the population, I am quite different from the rest of the people of often deal with. The poor cannot even think of coming anywhere close to me, even if they have to struggle hard.

I am quite different from others, and so are many of my friends and companions; we are so very different from the people who work with and for; now there are people who know who we are, and look up to us as great social workers; some know we are people dedicated to God and the service of his people, and therefore treat us with due respect and reverance. But there are also people who would like to consider us as one of them; one of their family members, because of the fact we had left behind our family, parents and relatives. They would like to fill us with the love that we miss, and rejecting their simple love is rejecting the very people we wish to serve.

I had no intention of adopting a family, or allow myself to be adopted by a very poor family, a few kilometers out of the city. In fact, I did not even know that I wanted that way, and even before I could realize what was happening, I had become part of this family. Like Peter and John in the beginning of the Acts of the Apostles, who told he cripple they had neither silver nor gold, but had the power of the risen Lord. But I could not dare say even this, because I was not sure I had that power (or at least I was not aware the power was there all along!). All that I could do is to sit on the mud floor of their house, share their simple meal on a Sunday, and listen to their stories!

There is nothing I could share with them, except my time, and an empathetic heart, and they were more than happy with that. On festive occasions they desired me to share a meal with them, however simple it be, and I was more than happy to do that, because I knew that this is what I have been called to. Is this not part of my "preaching" the Good News? We did not discuss anything spiritual or about God, but the concern I had for my sisters and parents, showed itself through my simple acts of charity. They knew they could not depend on me for anything material, but considered me one of them, and that was a great pleasure for me!

A few days ago, when my sister dropped in to say hello to me here, she asked me if I could purchase an electric iron for her; if I am not mistaken, this is the first time that she asked me something, and I did not hesitate to say that I would. She earns about rupees 4,000 a month, and most of the money goes into maintaining the family, saving a little for the future. She is not a spendthrift, and I had been encouraging her to reduce the financial burden of the parents, and that is what she does. I know it is not the three hundred rupees worth iron which really matters, but that she feels accepted and supported. I feel part of my responsibility as a "preacher" is done!

Streams of Sympathy

It may be hard to believe, but I think sympathy is directly related to selfishness, and to a large extent self-centeredness. I have several examples to illustrate this point. When I am drawn to sympathy towards the urchin begging at the road-side, and I dolling out a five rupees coin, I am not so much giving him anything, rather than giving something to myself. I would have the psychological satisfaction that I was able to share (and it may never dawn to me that what I had done is far from sharing) the little I had! The truck-load of inner satisfaction is worth the five rupees coin! But that is where my sympathy stops!

My friend still feels that she was partially right in expressing her sympathy towards a friend of hers, by allowing him to pour out all his pain and agony to her! It is true that the gentleman needed someone to whom he could disclose his ins and outs, without being careful to edit out the more sensitive episodes, but I feel he was seeking something more than a patient pair of ears! Nor was he seeking mere sympathy, though his self-pity could have mady any one to be sympathetic towards him. It may not be easy for women to read through the thin lines of men, who project something, while meaning something else! That was what I was cautioning my friend to be careful about!

But there is something else about sympathy. I was asking myself, is there any place for sympathy between friends? Where does sympathy really fit in? Friendship, by its very definition, is a relationship which is established based on mutual trust. If there is already trust between two persons, then how can sympathy pop up? Will a friend seek sympathy from his/her friend? We approach friends, only because we trust that person would get into our shoes, and feel with us. Probably even the word 'empathy' may not adequately express what happens between two good, genuine friends. But it is far from self-centered sympathy!

There is yet another angle to the entire story: the young man expected something which my friend refused to offer, and the man was greatly offended and even hurt! A person who wished to pour out his soul to a confidante generally would not expect anything more than unburdening of oneself; what would put a period to his long winding stories could be a sigh of relief that he was able to "throw off" all that had been causing his psychological indigestion! If a person comes with a calculated agenda, and looks for it, and even taking the liberty to demand it, on the basis of friendship, can such a relationship be trusted (however long it had taken to groom it!)?

I am careful if I feel sympathetic towards someone; the chances of making use of those who are in a vulnerable position are heightened, if my psychological need to satisfy my ego is equally blown. It is possible, when we relate to persons, we really do not think about all these, the notions of self-centeredness and sympathy, satisfying the ego, etc. But we will be able to trace the path and find on hind sight that we were not as holy as we thought to be. Ultimately it is not to blame anyone, but to see each one as one really is, without labels and attributes. I have realized that signs of 'sympathy' can switch on the danger light in me, and I am cautioned to go beyond it, towards entering into another's shoes by empathising, and at the same time careful not to breach friendship!

Two sides of the coin

The arrogance to think that there is only one way of looking at reality, is nothing new to humanity; while nature teaches us that is not the whole of reality, when we enter into our formal school system, we are taught otherwise, and sadly the precious lessons we have learned from nature is throttled, even before it matures and bears fruits. When a child stumbles and falls, it gets bruises, and the grandmother may grab a shrub, rub the leaves, and apply it on the bruise, and lo, the gushing of blood stops. Nature remedy. But it is not the prerogative of just one shrub to do that magical healing; there are many, and you get what is close to your hand! Nature always provides us with multiple choices, and all of them good and equally valid.

Sticking to the gun is a favorite hobby of most of us, and we draw a lot of pleasure in it. When I called up my friend the other day, she was in tears, because her mother had been quite sick, and my friend was worried about her. But my mind was worried about something else. My friend had not asked me how I was, a formal question, which sometimes gain too much importance! And my world was crumbling there and then, though I would not dare tell her. But my heart was heavy, for no reason. Why did she not ask me how I was?

Surely it has taken my friend sometime to understand that she was helpless about the situation of her mother, who by then was improving, and was beginning to be cheerful, and that was the time, out of the blue, I throw the bomb-shell: I was upset yesterday, because you did not even bother to ask me how I was! She was not prepared for my statement, and she could not really understand what I really meant! I even told her that her worry for her mother was unreasonable, while all the time I knew that what I was expecting of her was all the more unreasonable.

She did not mean to hurt me (but was I really hurt, because she did not ask me how I was?), but was not in a position to turn her attention to me; and I did not mean to be blind and deaf to her worry for the mother, but was somehow pushed to feel a certain sense of 'jealousy' for the attention my friend was giving to her mother. My mind was not ready to admit : I want you to give more attention to me than your mother! She could not think I would take things this way, and was spending painful moments, just because I had expected something more than I can rightfully demand of her.

But that is what life is – a web of events and incidents, expectations and demands, which may drive us from one mood to another. If only I had been a little more on guard, much of the mental tension I had created for me and for her could have been avoided. To empathise with another person is not only a noble task, but a sacred one too, where I don the robes of the Almighty, who is good to all, ready to dirty his hand, in order to raise the fallen, and be happy to be of help to the needy. Empathy makes us all divine, if only we dare to dirty our hands!

Embracing my Shadows (M5)

Father Joe Kunnumpuram of Atmadarshan in Patna, India, has proposed a new way of getting rid of past painful memories, which he calls it as Awareness Meditative Relaxation (AMR) therapy, using which one can try to get out of the memories. After going through the therapy I felt that it may not be entirely scientific and psychological and there are a lot of loopholes in the design of the therapy, but what is important here is that a person with painful memories is led to re-live that experience, and feel the pain, humiliation and shame to the maximum level possible, and feel the bodily reaction to such zenith of pain and shame; then they are led to relax their bodies, until they experience a different kind of bodily sensation, and that may make a lot of difference in the way the memories may appear to them. The method that is proposed here is the one of embracing one’s shadows, instead of running away from them. This is based on the common notion that we give power to the people or things we are frightened of. Let us delve a little deep into this mystery, that may help us take control over ourselves.

It is not enough to recognize a shadow in me, or an enemy wandering in the woods of my heart and often frightening me, putting me to shame and humiliation that I feel often annoyed and irritated with my colleagues for no reason. Our journey to freedom surely begins with recognition, but we cannot stop there; that is just the beginning of the journey, we need to move ahead. The second and more important stage is embracing the shadows, until a moment when I cannot see them as something or someone there outside of me, but something that is part of me. I can control that which is in me or within me, but may not be able to do the same when it is out of me. It is important that we embrace the shadows, instead of settling scores with them. The very word embrace carries with it sentiments of empathy, compassion and a lot of understanding. I am not to blame myself or any one else for the painful memories that I am still carrying; not even myself is fully responsible for what had happened. That is how things had taken place, and I or others had no control over it.

Therefore my concern here and now is how I am going to get out of them peacefully and amicably, without picking quarrels with any one for what had happened. No blame game can bring peace and tranquility in my heart and cure me fully of the memories. This part of the exercise concerns me and only me, here I do not need to seek any kind of help or assistance from others. In simple terms, here I am to recognize the memories and tell myself that I or others had no control over what had happened, but now I would like to get out of these of my own accord. This incident has caused a lot of pain and shame in my life, and has become my second self or nature, so I wholeheartedly accept it as myself and incorporate it into my life.

Much of the time we are not able to get out of these memories, because we often see others as responsible for what had happened, and therefore we cannot forgive them. We carry a lot of hatred and vengeance for them, whether they are dead or alive, whether they are living nearby or far away, whether they are in friendly terms or not in talking terms. Embracing our shadows necessarily means that for the sake of my peace, I need to let the other persons go free; but I am not giving them a clean chit, telling they are not responsible for what had happened, but I only let them go, because I want my peace again. This is more difficult in the case of people who had gone through a horrifying incident many many years ago. It may take quite some time for these people to heal all those years slowly and steadily. But if the process begins, we can take it for granted that the journey is half done.

How do I begin to embrace my shadows? Every shadows have their brighter side too. Let me not start with the shadows from their darker side, rather let me begin from the brigher side. If you look at a candle, you will see that there is darkness just below the candle, but just above the shadow, there is light. Let me find at least one good point about the person involved in my painful memory; if I am able to see more than one good point which I would generally admire, then I stay with that quality for a while, when I feel somewhat happy about the person. Let me be clear that I am not justifying whatever he/she had done, nor am I letting that person go scot free; I am only readying to free myself from his/her clutches. Let me dwell on the good quality of the person/s as long as I can, and see how much body feels about the person; sometimes it is possible that the very thought of the person repels me, in which case I will have to let my mind get hold of something that may positively bring my mind to think about his/her good qualities. Let me look at his/her face, speak to him/her, and listen too. Now, let me not immediately jump into looking at the darker side of the event / incident. I finish the exercise there, and you may think that I have not completed the exercise. But that has been done purposely, so that my mind may linger on what I had been thinking about, and it may have an invisible effect on me.