Fighting with Fate

It came as a surprise for me! I could not think that her mother was a mentally challenged person, who died yesterday, and two of her siblings had inherited the mental disturbance of her mother. Only she and one of her brothers had been spared from severe mental breakdown. To make things worse, her father had deserted the family some twenty years ago, and had married another lady. The family had been adopted by Mother Teresa, and all the children had been brought up by her sisters ever since. It is a sad story and who would think that life would be so very cruel to her, even as she dreams of a life with classical dance.

She seems to have told a friend of mine that she would not like to perpetuate the generation with mental disabilities, and so would be happy to live alone. Wedded to an art is not something that is uncommon in art circles; some of the greatest artists and literati were single, and had left behind works which could be considered, if not called, their consorts. She is probably aware that she is aging faster than she would have thought; after setting foot at thirty, it is not easy for a woman to look back to have a married life; at least such a thing is next to impossibility in our country. But as her story slowly unfolds, I feel sad for her; how could God be so very cruel to punish her for no fault of hers?

Luckily there is a saving grace: her dance. At least there is an excuse for her to hide the real reason which haunts her: the stigma that she is forced to carry, that her mother was a mentally challenged person, and her siblings too carry the same "virus", and what is the guarantee that she has been fully spared? Is she to be condemned to the fate of the 'devadasis' of the South Indian temples, who carried on the classical dance tradition, bearing the brunt of being women who were dedicated to the Lord (but in fact used and abused by the priestly class!)? All the doors seem to be closed for her, even as she begins to put a brave face before all the people, who luckily cannot read her heart!

Probably it may be quite obvious from her dance; certain amount of stiffness, and seriousness, which hide her genuine beauty and gracefulness. As is the case, we cannot hide all that we wish; certain amount of our self is revealed even without our consciously knowing. There are several things in her heart which need to be poured out; the baggage she has been carrying for years may make her journey tedious and tiresome; she may be prone to frequent bouts of anger and temper, which are the expressions of the mounting tension deep within her. It may not be surprising that if she does not begin to handle herself, she too may find herself in her mother's place, and may be forced to let life take the upper hand.

Helplessness is not the word that describes her predicament; the calculated ways how life is denying her the simple and soft pleasures is more than any person can bear. But most often in life, we have no bargaining capacity with life; we have to accept what is offered. I am still hopeful that something good may come her way, if not immediately, but at least after a few months and years, when she might be able to laugh heartily, smile genuinely, and look at the golden rays of the morning sun and feel proud to be a human person to appreciate her beauty. Today I join the entire universe in wishing her that day come her way soon.

Fear Factor (2) - Enemy within

On several significant moments of life, I have realized that I have been let down by an arch enemy, who has been following me wherever I went, whatever I did: myself, my inner self, my conscience, my mind, or my spirit! I may have a dozen names to describe how frightened I am to myself. I am not afraid of anyone on earth as I dread my inner self. It is paradoxical and even ironical to realize that I am afraid of myself, the one I know like the back of my palm! It really sounds ridiculous, but that is the fact! I cannot trust myself, I cannot believe in self, and I cannot predict how I would respond to a particular situation! I am so very unpredictable that I am frightened of myself!

But what am I afraid of, and why should I? The answers for these two questions are not as simple as the questions may sound! I may liken my innerself to a most sophisticated database, which processes every proposal I make in the light of the past experiences, correlates to them, and provides me an alternative that I should choose. Invariably the self would not permit me to choose something that is not in the database, but only that has been earlier registered. In that case, if I venture to choose something new, the mind puts a sense of fear, and later this is converted to guilt, leading to half a dozen ill-feelings which prematurely kill life spirit in me!

The fact is, before I begin to be frightened of others, however powerful they be, I am frightened of myself, and it would require far more courageous and energetic affirmation to convince one's inner self and come out to face reality! The enemy outside of me is not as horrendous and fearsome as the one inside of me. But is not there a way to free myself from the fears which may paralyse me for eternity, and face life as it comes to me? Of course there is a simple way, if we are prepared to give a try! Dissociate oneself from the chains of the past, and one is free from the fears which had kept oneself under control for years.

But why should our inner selves take refuge in the past experiences, be they positive or negative? The answer is rather simple: the self has to have certain anchor points, where it can place itself, when there are external attacks, and most often the past experiences provide such anchor points; these are so-called secure, safe-zones, but one may forget that in the long run these anchor points may become our chains. Dissociating oneself from the past experiences may not be as simple; but one may surely try to become conscious of what the past experiences could do to one's present.

Anyone who is frightened of one's inner self is sure to end up with defeat, because even the worst coward can defeat the most ferocious hero who has been defeated by own's own inner self. At the same time, even the best of external enemies cannot defeat the one who has freed himself/herself from the clutches of the inner self. Is it hard to dissociate ourselves from our past? It should not be, because unless we dissociate ourselves from the past, we cannot authentically live the present; anyone who has not left behind the baggage of the past, cannot taste freedom, happiness and peace.