Daring to say 'No'

Thinking about the Genesis story of the fall of humanity, I often wonder why Adam did not have the guts to say ‘no’ to the forbidden fruit, which Eve offered to him. He had after all known that God had forbidden them to eat it, and he could have just told her to throw it away; instead he too takes it and shares the sin of disobedience with Eve. Was he too frightened to say ‘No’ to her? Or if he was afraid what she would think when he says no to her! It is very difficult to guess what might have motivated him to accept the fruit, and if only he dared to refuse the fruit, probably we would have a different story of the fall of humanity!

Studies continue to show that women have far more stamina and strength than men, and this applies to not only the physical sectors, but also to psychic, spiritual and mental areas. More and more men find themselves at the receiving end, and it is difficult to explain the phenomenon. I had been thinking about this for quite some time, taking specific cases of women subduing their men, and the men keeping mum to all the mental and psychological torture which their wives or loved one’s might inflict on them. Sometimes I ask myself, why are these men so very cowardly in front of their women? Are they afraid of losing something very essential in life?

One may think that I am able to think aloud so much because I am not married, and therefore do not understand what goes on between a man and a woman bound by wedlock! It is true that I am quite inexperienced about what may bind a man with a woman, and what may lead a man to silently bear all torture and mental pain inflicted on him (and I do not say that the reverse is uncommon in our society), and does not feel it normal to walk out of such an existence. Even when things do not work, these men continue to live as if nothing is wrong with them, and pretend to show to the outside world that they make the most perfect couple in the world.

I would be one sided if I were to say that men are most often innocent of what they are accused of (infidelity is one of the most commonly pointed accusation on men by women, especially where there is a definite commitment); some men are so very vulnerable that their boats keep rocking, already from the day of their formal wedding; and probably even after they reach the coffins, the boat may be still rocking. Why are some women so mean, possessive, dominant and suspicious that their husbands lose all sense of self-respect, freedom, and their private space is demolished to the ground, and they cease to live their personal lives!

I have such a man so very closely; he does not speak to me anything about what transpires between him and his wife. I often come to hear about the unceasing battle in his house through third persons, and I feel so sad for him. He had done all that he could do, to make his wife happy; the riches he had accumulated for her (sometimes even through unfair means), the jewelry he had purchased for her, properties in their name, and yet what they lack at home today is peace! Even his only eight-year old son has begun to point an accusing finger at him! He does not live a human existence any more, and I only pray that peace may return to their home in the near future!

Drowning the Doubting Thomas

There is a ‘doubting Thomas’ (dT in short) in each and every one of us, and we inherit this dT at the time of our birth, and in most cases, the dT dies with people. It is only in very rare cases that we are able to give a decent burial to the dT when we are still able to take stock of our lives. But what does this dT do to us, that we have to find ways of bidding him adieu and giving him a burial? Whether we like it or not, as we grow into adolescence, we begin to doubt every second person, and it comes so very naturally to us, and often we may not even be aware of this, because this is taken for granted that we suspect one another. We reach such a situation that we are expected to suspect the people we relate to.

Seldom do we realize how gently we nurture the dT in us, without realizing that this is a Frankenstein who could one day jump on us, to take our life from us. That the dT is a monster, we need no further proof, if we take a good look at the different occasions today we had doubted or suspected the very people we relate to and work with. It is the dT who actually distances us from others, and when the dT is working in me vociferously, then I become quite inactive, and lose all controls over myself, my thinking and even my actions. What is worse is that I even begin to doubt the intentions of people, which is the most uncharitable thing I can think of.

There is neither a season nor a reason for letting the dT take the upper hand; at a time when we least expect the dT pops up, and makes a mess of things. Even the best of friends turn out to be the most deadly foe, the moment when the dT shows up his head. I do not say that most often we doubt people for no reason; sometimes we have all the reason to doubt, and we may be fully justified. But what I am concerned here is not the objective truth of the matter, but how the matter is affecting me. Suspicion can change my relationship with others. When I think that my friend may be having an intimate relationship with another, can cause me sleepless nights and nightmares I may not be able to fight with.

The dT, whom I nurture deep within me is not going to cause any harm to others; he is a self-destructive mechanism, whereby he will slowly kill me and ultimately himself will die. But then is it not proper then that I get rid of him before he gets rid of me. With all probability, my friend may be relating to a friend in a casual way, and it may appear to me as if they are relating in an intimate manner, and I may suspect what she talks to him, what he talks to her, what they think about each other, and the like. As a result the next time I look at my friend, I do not think about the relationship between the two of us, but about the two of them, she and her friend. This may make me envious, sad, and even dejected.

There is a way how I can force the dT to quit my life himself, before I kill him, and it does not require too much guts from my side. I need to develop a counter-dT (let us call this, cdT), who will take care of the dT, and how I do this is simple : every time I become suspicious of a person, I would deliberately in my mind make an effort to think of the reverse. In the beginning it may sound artificial, but it works. For instance if I suspect one of our co-workers of staling our office stationery, I would tell myself that he does not steal the stationary; it may just be the pigment of my imagination or that I am prejudiced against this person. I need to repeat it every time I get the doubt or suspicion. When this is done, the cdT wins and the dT runs away, and soon I may find no more dT, and will realize that life is quite different in the absence of the dT, and I am able to relate to all the people in a better way, and do not feel intimidated by others, or I feel like intimidating others. Relationships then become a joy for me.

Suspension of Suspicion

I feel bad for my brother, who has been having tough time with his wife for the past many years, the main problem being suspicion of his wife. He is now so frightened of his wife that he does not even dare to speak to his siblings freely and candidly. My sister reported to me that his wife does not even allow him to speak to my sister, who had lost her husband a year ago, and is now staying at our house. With a child studying in class 3, and my brother now nearing almost 45, his wife still claims that he is not a clean man. But then why did she choose to marry him? She is plain – she did not know that he was of that type.

I have come to know what suspicion can do to families; if my brother’s family is in deep trouble, it is all because of the suspicion of my sister-in-law, so much so that she feels obliged to guard her husband all the time. Formerly my brother used to play leadership roles in the Church and community service, but my sister-in-law had forced him to stop all these, because she suspected him speaking to ladies, some of them too young, and she could not tolerate it. She had not verified any of her allegations, and everyone knows for sure most of her allegations are baseless, but that is how suspicions grow and thrive. If only she had trusted my brother and believed in him, the family would be a happy and peaceful family.

Any relationship is based on trust and confidence; I feel frightened of relating to persons who are suspicious of my relationship with others, and sometimes I even dare to tell them that I cannot relate to persons who have innate capacity to suspect. If these people suspect my faithfulness, fidelity and commitment to them, and try to check for themselves if I am failing in fulfilling my part, then they may be spared; but if they begin to suspect how I am relating to others, if I am closer and more intimate with others than this particular person, then I consider it unwarranted, and is breaking the basic trust I had in her, and she in me.

Any relationship is sure to crack the very moment one of the partners raises the question of faithfulness and fidelity; even in marriage, the mutual relationship is strengthened and revitalised by trust and confidence. A wife cannot follow her husband wherever he goes, and similarly a husband cannot follow his wife wherever she goes. There are indeed possibilities of mistakes and slips, especially if the gentleman or the lady is smart and good-looking, and therefore attracts many persons to him/her. But that should not be construed as betrayal of the one s/he is committed to. We cannot live as an island, and need the support of all in society, and restricting any kind of relationship is sure to slowly break the social fabric.

Common sense says that if I begin to suspect my partner in a relationship, what is the guarantee that my companion cannot suspect me of the same, and how can I prove to the other that I am beyond all suspicion? I have begun to trust my friends unconditionally, and do not feel the need to know anything about with whom they are relating to, what their relationship is like, and how many times they speak to each other, what they write to each other on email, etc. I find it quite unnecessary and immaterial, because that is not my concern. I can be concerned about my relationship with her, but not her relationship with someone else. She has to manage it, irrespective of me, and I respect her freedom to do so! She may even have my blessings for it.