Life, the web of relations

There is no other creature on earth which experiences the bond of being related as much as the human beings. We are linked to everything we see in the world; there is a bond of fellowship and fraternity with everything living and dead. Scientists would go all the way to prove that every atom on earth is linked to everything around it; it might be easy for scientists to prove it because the fundamental principle linking everything is the same. It is the same atoms which form myself, which is also found in the most hardcore criminal on earth; the microorganism which I am made of is the same as the one my pet dog is made of. In that case what distinguishes me from my dog is something that could be questioned scientifically, because there are dogs which are cleverer than the human persons(!), and we may come across more intelligent animals in the years to come and that may be the end of the human race.

But if every organism on earth is linked with a web of relations, why is it we behave so queerly often, and even tend to disregard this bond of fellowship. There is a natural tendency to depend on the elders during our childhood days, but as we grow big, we begin to stand on our own feet, as it were, and do not want the elders taking care of us. We would like to show everyone around us that we are mature enough, and can take care of ourselves. That may be one place where we are given too much of independence and freedom that we fail to allow our elders take care of us during our most formative years. There is also an urge within us to be independent so that we need not listen to the dictates of the elders, especially those who boss over us. Every web of relation severed is lost forever and they may never come back to us; this is a harsh reality we seldom understand, and when we might understand it might be too late.

I had chosen the image of a web (more precisely of a spider), because it illustrates beautifully what our lives are like. The bridges between us, the human beings and other organisms is so fragile and weak that they may snap at any time, and when a link is lost that part of the web is unreachable. Every time we disregard relationships and tend to strengthen and fortify our own portals, we are only inviting trouble; it might not be too late for us to realize that our fort may collapse one fine morning because we had not taken to strengthen the edifice. The pillars alone cannot guarantee safety for the building, the edifice has to embrace the pillars to provide the much needed strength and support for the building. We need to build each of the links with the world around, very much like the spider painstakingly builds each one of the segments of the web. And it is only too happy when it completes the web, and joyfully hops from one segment to another, until some external force compels the web to break.

To build a web of relations is not a laborious task for a spider, it is a joyful event; I have noticed that it might take just a night for a spider to weave a decent looking web. When the web needs to be built, it leaves aside everything else, and labors on it, and when the day breaks one can notice that the web is ready, and the golden beams of the sun pass through the web, strengthening the bonds. Just look at the accompanying picture of the web with tiny drops of snow capping the bridges; we can notice that the segments are not strong all through; in some places they are frail and weak, and in some other places they are strong. Indeed that is how our relationships with others take shape. Over the years our relationships may become weak and it may sever someday, when we least expect, if we are not careful.

It is not impossible for one spider to link her web with another web and thus enlarge the circle of relationship; and when the webs grow wider and wider, then we have greater space for relating with others, and we may also enjoy a wider area to build relationships. One cannot assess the quality of relationship with others on the basis of the number of friends and associates one has, but on the basis of the depth of relationship that they enjoy. Even a couple of friends who would stand by my side, especially when I am downcast and find life unbearable, would be far more precious than having a whole lot of friends who may even have the courtesy to call on me to check if I am OK! Today as we look at this beautiful web of spiders, let us weave our own web of relations, so that we shall have greater freedom and accessibility towards everyone we like and love!

Needless Network

He was known among familiar circles as a champion of the underdog; if there was one person who dared to speak in support of the domestic support staff and the casual laborers, it is undoubtedly he. However he had a soft spot for two of the families, with whom he had an intimate relationship; the little girl he had seen some years ago, is today a young lady, and the fondness he had for her when she was seven or eight years old, continues to draw him close to her, to support her, be affectionate to her, and this unholy alliance had caused him more than enough trouble for him, and yet he would plough through all of these, and continue to express his allegiance to this family.

In terms of the social status, this family could boast about nothing; the two children, the elder girl and the younger boy, together with their parents formed the happy family. But my friend became the voice of the voiceless family when they were in trouble, and had to fight their way through with the management. Though he was part of the management, and yet he dared to distance himself from the authority and stood at the other side to support them. This betrayal had been frowned upon on several occasions by all the persons concerned, but he was adamant not to give in to the pressure from his peers to forsake the family and show his allegiance to the management.

What had been the cause of his unusual affection to the girl, and through her to the family? It is not easy to answer this question. He should be close to 50, and she should be about 20. Surely it is not a love relationship; one said that the relationship was that of a parent and a child, but such a relationship generally bloom in the midst of orphans, who look for their father or mother figure in others. But when her parents are both hale and hearty, what was she looking for in him? Or to look at the other side of the spectrum, what was he looking for in this girl, apart from her affectionate words, beautiful look? It might remain a mystery all the days to come, and yet it is a reality many are aware of.

One thing was sure, he would not dare to neglect his responsibility and duty in order to express his fondness to the girl, or his support to the family. His precious personal time had been often given to them, and he was happy about it, even when he had been pointed out that he refused to be in company with his peers and friends, who formed part of his family. In his own way, he was adamant and obstinate, and no one could really make him understand that he had to let the girl’s family steer their lives, independent of his support and assistance. It was a needless support that he rendered to the family, many were sure of, and yet he would not bite their arguments.

What would happen when he is shifted from this place, I was asking one of his very close associates, and he had no answer. His contact and affection for the girl and love for the family will have to come to a close at some time or other; he cannot afford to support them endlessly. It might happen very soon, and he may be left to wonder how he could support them. The family which had been milking his support, without realizing that he had been jeopardizing his own relationship with other members of his peer group, may have to realize that they may have to stand on their own feet without feeling the need of his support. It is only when both the parties realize the need to distance themselves from the other party, that real growth can take place in both of them.

Mowed by Machines

There are many people around us, who are used to taking others for granted. The situation may be worse if these people are holding some leadership roles. One of my friends had been taken for such royal ride by one of her superiors that there was very little that my friend could do; when the friend had gathered some courage to talk to the superior about how she felt being taken for a royal ride, the superior tried to pour out a bag full of reasons why she had to do that. Justifications, rationalizations and explanations, these are the tools of the trade with the people who wish to take people for granted, in order to impose their own authority felt among the subordinates.

There is a limit for everything, and the hoi poloi would not mind being taken for granted to a certain extent, but if they are to be considered the non-existent, then there is bound to be a revolt and unhappiness. Such a situation is sure to create uneasy feelings among friends, among superiors and their subordinates, between family members. Generally it is observed that it is only the people who feel they enjoy certain special privileges, that make sure they have to show off their powers which flow from the privileges. In a group, if there is one who exercises leadership role and does not take into consideration the sentiments and opinion of other members and makes a decision for others, it is sure to backfire at sometime or other.

A friend complained about a certain Principal of a school who had been notorious for autocracy. Very seldom had he consulted the other members of his team before he arrived at a vital decision affecting the interests of the students, staff, and the guardians of students. The decisions were most often unilateral, though luckily many of his decisions were based on sound judgment, and so there was no major disaster or confrontation. However, the other members of the staff and his own friends and companions began to avoid him, and treat him as an outcast because of his tendency to take people for granted.

Now behind this simple attitude of taking people for granted, or taking people for a ride, there is an unsaid declaration these people make for themselves: it is only these people who have the brains at right proportions so that they could decide for others, and even help people find answers to all the problems they face. There is also an implicit paternalistic attitude in them, which makes them treat all others as children. This is exactly what Transactional Analysis points to us as an unhealthy syndrome in some which can really create havoc to personal relationships. Many are the victims of such paternalistic attitude, and invariably everyone goes through such experiences.

It is a good thing to assert one’s due rights and privileges, and not allow others treat us as if we are the door-mat; but that demands a good amount of guts and courage. I know some big bosses, who cannot tolerate anyone question their decisions, and if the subordinates ever open their lips against their unilateral decisions, the bosses would make sure to ruin the future of these hapless victims. But I have seen some of my good friends dare to do exactly that and face the consequences, even if they are very harsh and unreasonable. This, I feel, is a wonderful thing to do, to be on the guard so that people are treated with due honor and dignity they are born, and not be treated as a paperweight!

Kissing all the way

It is after quite some time that I am back to my blog, to recapture some of the significant moments of the day, to reflect about them, and savor what life has to offer to me, through me to my friends, and through my friend to me. I felt sad when one of the friends shared about her friends who had been demanding something more than what she could legitimately give by herself. It was about relationship she had been nurturing for the past one year with this young man, who of late had been demanding something more than mere cordial and open conversation with her. He had been, she said, asking her to visit him when he is alone, so that they could “exchange” what is due to both. This had been disturbing this friend, and she could not think of any “exchange” between them, but had been finding it hard to tell him directly about what she felt about this.

She was frank to admit that this young man was not the first person she really “fell” in love with; she had been “going steady” with another young man for quite many years, and she had not been allowing that young man to take undue advantage of her. She desired to keep a safe distance which befitted her special calling, and the many attempts of her first thick friend could not move her from the resolve she had made, and had been quite happy about. But she has felt that she was at a cross-road, and the new man she had been feeling for dearly, had communicated to her in more than clear terms that he would love to exchange certain niceties, which included hugging and kissing. This of course, could only be done in private, when they were alone.

There is reasonable amount of fear in her, that if she were to give in to the demands of this new friend, it could lead her to further submissions, and ultimately could even ruin her peace and happiness she had been enjoying for the past years. But things are not that easy for her, because she had felt over the months that this young man had been coming so close to her, that she felt it was divine providence that they came together, and she would hate to part ways with him. The mutual appreciation that these two experienced had strengthened their bond, and she dare not sever ties, and that had been disturbing her for the past few days. On the one side is her conviction that she cannot let anyone take her for a royal ride, making her do something which her conscience does not allow her to, and on the other is her liking for this person.

I realize that her situation is not so easy to work through; in either way it is sure to pain her, and all that I could suggest her was that she should be faithful to her conscience. If she begins to submit her conscience to the whims and fancies of this young man, and let him take her for a ride, she is sure to experience a guilty conscience at sometime or other. If she has to stick to her convictions, then there are all the chances that the relationship cannot continue, not only because she would not allow him to have his ways with her, but also because this “lakshman-rekha” is sure to put the man at a distance, not allowing him to come anymore close to this woman.

According to me, the lady should choose ultimately what is going to bring her inner peace and happiness, and not necessarily the momentary peace which the friendship and relationship this young man had been fostering with her. It is, no doubt, going to be tough for her, but it is sure to keep her faithful to her calling, her convictions and the kind of value system she had been convinced of for many years. She also shared with me how she had to shun several young man during her past years, when they tried to come too close to her, demanding all too fast “hugs and kisses”. It is possible that the joy of forsaking this unhealthy relationship will be far greater than the joy that the company of this man might give to her; but in that case, she should be prepared to bear the consequences, and stand firmly by her convictions, instead of forsaking them to save the relationship which could possibly bury all her values and convictions. But it is she who has to make a choice!

Drowning the Doubting Thomas

There is a ‘doubting Thomas’ (dT in short) in each and every one of us, and we inherit this dT at the time of our birth, and in most cases, the dT dies with people. It is only in very rare cases that we are able to give a decent burial to the dT when we are still able to take stock of our lives. But what does this dT do to us, that we have to find ways of bidding him adieu and giving him a burial? Whether we like it or not, as we grow into adolescence, we begin to doubt every second person, and it comes so very naturally to us, and often we may not even be aware of this, because this is taken for granted that we suspect one another. We reach such a situation that we are expected to suspect the people we relate to.

Seldom do we realize how gently we nurture the dT in us, without realizing that this is a Frankenstein who could one day jump on us, to take our life from us. That the dT is a monster, we need no further proof, if we take a good look at the different occasions today we had doubted or suspected the very people we relate to and work with. It is the dT who actually distances us from others, and when the dT is working in me vociferously, then I become quite inactive, and lose all controls over myself, my thinking and even my actions. What is worse is that I even begin to doubt the intentions of people, which is the most uncharitable thing I can think of.

There is neither a season nor a reason for letting the dT take the upper hand; at a time when we least expect the dT pops up, and makes a mess of things. Even the best of friends turn out to be the most deadly foe, the moment when the dT shows up his head. I do not say that most often we doubt people for no reason; sometimes we have all the reason to doubt, and we may be fully justified. But what I am concerned here is not the objective truth of the matter, but how the matter is affecting me. Suspicion can change my relationship with others. When I think that my friend may be having an intimate relationship with another, can cause me sleepless nights and nightmares I may not be able to fight with.

The dT, whom I nurture deep within me is not going to cause any harm to others; he is a self-destructive mechanism, whereby he will slowly kill me and ultimately himself will die. But then is it not proper then that I get rid of him before he gets rid of me. With all probability, my friend may be relating to a friend in a casual way, and it may appear to me as if they are relating in an intimate manner, and I may suspect what she talks to him, what he talks to her, what they think about each other, and the like. As a result the next time I look at my friend, I do not think about the relationship between the two of us, but about the two of them, she and her friend. This may make me envious, sad, and even dejected.

There is a way how I can force the dT to quit my life himself, before I kill him, and it does not require too much guts from my side. I need to develop a counter-dT (let us call this, cdT), who will take care of the dT, and how I do this is simple : every time I become suspicious of a person, I would deliberately in my mind make an effort to think of the reverse. In the beginning it may sound artificial, but it works. For instance if I suspect one of our co-workers of staling our office stationery, I would tell myself that he does not steal the stationary; it may just be the pigment of my imagination or that I am prejudiced against this person. I need to repeat it every time I get the doubt or suspicion. When this is done, the cdT wins and the dT runs away, and soon I may find no more dT, and will realize that life is quite different in the absence of the dT, and I am able to relate to all the people in a better way, and do not feel intimidated by others, or I feel like intimidating others. Relationships then become a joy for me.

Calling on Comparisons

Even before we begin our day, we prepare ourselves for a better tomorrow. We are not contended with the present, or things as they are, but would only look for “better” things to come, even if that remains just a dream. Human mind cannot think of persons or things or events, except in comparisons, and may be that is the reason why we are not able to live the actual people we relate with, actual things that are at our disposal and actual events we go through. Human mind is not satisfied with the status quo, but looks always for a change, which would be better than the one we are presently dealing with. Though this might seem a blessing in disguise, it has its own share of curses as well.

Recently I realized the danger of comparing persons, be they friends, coworkers, or superiors, or even siblings. I favor one of my brothers to two others, because the one I favor had been taken care of by me in his childhood days; I had carried him on my shoulders, fed him, and protected him, when my mother was out in the fields. As a result I had developed a special affinity to him, and today care for him more than the other two brothers, one elder and one younger. I often tend to look at my relationship with this brother in comparison with the other two, and feel quite justified in doing so, even when I know I might be unjustly disfavor my two other brothers and favor this brother.

If there are so much of misunderstanding between siblings, friends, coworkers, lovers and husband and wife, it is most often because we begin to compare one with another, and as one of my friends put it recently, it is like a slap on the cheek! In my family, as soon as we had the second sister-in-law my parents began to compare one with other, and soon began quarrels, misunderstandings. One was favored by my parents, while the other was avoided. Just like me, my parents too had forgotten the basic law of nature that no one on earth likes to be compared to another, especially if it is for downsizing or putting down one. That is bound to lead to misunderstanding, and even break in relationships.

It is true we wish to improve our relationship with others, and want our dear ones to come to our expectations; but when a person gives his/her very best to me, would it be justifiable to expect that person to give like the third person I might have known! Though I am aware of the dangers of comparing one with another, and yet unconsciously I do it all the time. I compare one of my superiors with another, often to say one was better than the other, and what I imply by this is : that the former was worse than the latter. It might not much matter if I make these comparisons to persons who are not involved, but if I have to say the same to even either of the persons involved, it is sure to make things bitter.

We thrive on comparisons, and while we do compare one person with another, what we indirectly mean is that this person has to be like that one; that this person has to fulfill my dreams, aspirations and needs like that of the other, even if I know that this is asking for too much. Here I fail to see what these persons are offering to me, instead I look at what they offer to me in response to my own personal needs and demands. I may be able to do greater justice to relations, if I am able to see what other peoples offer to me per se, without looking at them from my perspective, needs and wants. If this were to happen, then I might realize that there are areas where I may need to do some amount of soul-searching exercise to question what I really expect from these persons, and if I can be justified in doing so. That may be the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

Expelled by Expectations

I fail to understand this law of nature : we give greatest pain to the very persons we love the most! I know most of the people would agree with me that this is a fact with most of us. And who on earth wants to hurt the person s/he loves so much, but ultimately we all end up giving so much of pain to the persons we love that there is a danger of the relationship being severed. But today I would like to question myself how this dangerous process take place and how I can protect myself from being succumbed to sucha painful process. It is not altogether difficult to prevent such a thing happening in my life, if only I know how my mind operates!

One of the most important things taken for granted in any loving relationship is EXPECTATIONS! We have a heap of expectations on our partners; and the same thing is true of even friendship or a relationship between a parent to his/her child. Very rarely do we question these expectations, which are for the most part created, moulded and shaped by the society we live in. This is a package we inherit. This package tells me what my role and function in a relationship is, and I am expected to act accordingly. I will see the red bulb blinking the very moment I move away from this prescribed book of law!

If only we have a few moments to take a good look at this package, and question the taken-for-granted notions and ideas, then much of the problems with our relationships would be things of past. Take for instance this simple notion: we have taken it for granted that two persons in love cannot hurt each other! But take a second look at this notion : why should not these two people cannot hurt each other; hurting one another is a natural process we all of us grow with, and we also know how to cope with them. If that is so, why should we take it for granted that the person I love cannot hurt me?

I understand it is not easy to rewrite some of the notions prescribed by the package; if I try to do it, the society around will look at me with suspicion; it might think I am promoting anarchy in the society, and I am a rebel and do not respect the social moorings of the people, etc. But there are ways how this re-writing the social dictates can be carried out, without hurting the social sentiments of the people we live with; we may have to start this process with taking a good look at ourselves. What are my expectations from the other? This mental process is not going to affect the external reality around me, but is sure to make me sensitive to the expectations of the other, and alert me to be careful about responding to the expectations of the other.

To clap, we need both the hands; we cannot clap with a single hand, and that is what could happen if I am able to be conscious of my expectations from the other. If I do not go by the law book of the society with taken-for-granted notions and ideas, but look at persons and their responses with fresh eyes, there is less chance for conflict. If my partner in relationship expects me to make her happy by giving gifts, and if I can do it without going out of my value system, then there is no conflict there and happiness on the hearts of both of us. But slowly my response to the expectations of the other is sure to make gradual change, and there may come a day when both of us may decide to re-write the laws of our relationships, and that day we may truly start a new chapter in our lives, where we could go beyond any expectation!

Transposing Transparency

I got a shock of my life, when she told me that I was not transparent enough to her, that I was not sharing with her about my 'friends'. After months, I got this severe jolt, and I was not prepared for it. My friend had a doubt, and she wanted me to clarify it, and I found myself in a helpless situation how to explain to her, or prove to her that I am quite open and transparent to her and that I had nothing more than what I had been telling her all these days and months. But still she felt that I was hiding something from her. There are certain things in life, which cannot be expressed in words, and today I felt strongly that I ran short of words!

Human life is a web of relations, one linked to another. Sometimes the web is shattered by reasons beyond one's control, and certain contacts fall instantly, and some others get strengthened. The ones with very little significance cannot bear the jerk, and fall off even before the jolt; the ones which have stuck to the heart are prepared to bear any amount of jolt and may only feel that their grip has been strengthened. We live in a world where we cannot live with exclusive relationships; even in marital relationships, there is scope to have friends, well-wishers, relatives, and that is the web of friends and neighbors who would come to one's aid, when s/he is in trouble.

When I tell someone that I do not believe in exclusive relationships, she often misunderstands me, and I had enough of trouble because of this conviction of mine. There are very few people who really see my point : I was touched by this wise saying of Tony De Mello: my happiness does not depend on anyone else other than myself. I decide if I want to be happy or not; no one will have the right over me, concerning my happiness. In an exclusive relationship, I expect that my happiness would depend on my partner, and vice versa. If something were to happen to my partner, then my happiness is doomed. Should I allow this kind of predicament to me?

All human relations are woven on the basis of mutual trust; when doubt surfaces in the mind of any one of the partners, then the relationship is bound to break into pieces. It is not that doubts do not rise in the mind of partners, but they will have to be clarified, and sorted out as soon as possible, or else the doubts will eat up the relationship, and too soon it will be in tatters. But what I can I really do when such a doubt rises in the mind of my partner/friend; what can I do to dispel doubt from the mind of my friend, and resume the former relationship we had been cherishing for years?

I am not feigning ignorance in this matter, but do feel helpless sincerely. If human relations should depend on proofs and witnesses, then there are less chances that any lasting relationship could ever be possible. I do understand, if I had not given any scope to my friend to doubt my trust, she would not have done so, and therefore I am partly responsible for making things this way, and will have to crack my mind to find an amicable solution to this problem. I know for sure that time is a great healer, and if I do give enough time for these things to settle down, probably I may find that the doubt has evaporated in the meantime!

Of Human Bondage

In the recent years, I have realized that blood relations need not be the best relations for a person; I don’t know exactly how others would value and esteem blood-relations, but at least in my case they come only secondary to the so-called non-blood relations. It is possible when we are young, we feel the need to depend on our siblings for the fulfillment of our basic necessities, but as we grow in age and dependence, the fabric which keeps us together slowly gives way, and suddenly we may realize that we are not as closely knit with our siblings as we were years before.

Sometimes I feel that the bond of love and understanding that existed between we brothers and sister in the family is no more palpable; there is a feeling that things are falling apart, ever since the other siblings got married, began to set up their own families, manage their own affairs. It is natural that they begin to stand by themselves without depending too much on the other members of the family. But in the process, we could notice something was missing. We all are aware of it, but something is blocking us from really taking a good look at it.

Probably a man, who has not married, will not be able to realize the responsibilities levied on the part of the partners in a marital relationship. There are restrictions for them from all sides, from friends, neighbors, in-laws. If the attention of my brothers is turned towards their wives and children and not to my parents, or least of all to me, they are not to be blamed for it. Sometimes my parents grumble that the sons do not care for them, as they were doing before their marriage, and it may take them some years to realize that they are now on their own, and that has to be respected.

Human relations is an art, and not many people master it; there are some who are able to keep a healthy balance between their private life (together with their wives and children) and their wider family life. I understand the situation of handling human relations vary from place to place and culture to culture. Probably families are closely knit in the rural setup, because there is need for greater dependence on one another there than in a urban setup. Having grown up for some years in a joint family, I realize what we gained and what we lost.

Among several other things, what gives meaning to our human existence is the web of relations we weave day after day; while some links in the web get snapped, others are woven, sometimes even without our being conscious of them. And luckily the web of relations does not depend on the centre, which has given birth to the web. Wider this web, happier are we in life. There may be people who help us widen this net, and some others who wish to destroy this net. Possessiveness and excessive dependence in relationships try to curtail the widening of this web, and attempt to bring the web to a close, which can only sound the death-knell of human relations.