Sweet to Sour Story

I have been quite disturbed by the story of a former religious nun taking a Jesuit priest to the court, alleging illegitimate sex, leading to abortion! This news apparently had been entertaining the people of Tamil Nadu for quite some time, the former nun publicly washing her private linen, adding fuel to the fire, and the priest living in underground, in order not to be caught by the public eye, and the ever vigilant journalists and photographers. It would be quite unfair on my part to make any value judgment about this case, since what I know is perhaps just the tip of an iceberg, and a greater part of the truth may be buried for all eternity.

What had transpired the two of them to part ways is something which is unknown to most of us; what had prompted them to seek one of the most cruel forms of punishing in public is also something that most of us cannot think of. I am quite confident that whatever be the present situation, in the beginning there should have been genuine love for each other. Over the days and months that love could have led to greater deepening, ultimately leading to crossing the religious frontiers, to indulge in what is forbidden. I would not contest the idea that the priest and the former nun did not indulge in the most intimate form of human love, but would better leave it without debating about the authenticity of this fact.

One thing that I fail to understand in the entire drama of love between these two persons, where the sweet had turned into sour, within so few years, is my conviction that there should have been genuine love between these two at some time or other during their relationship over the past years. I cannot think that the former nun would have contemplated extorting a huge sum of money as compensation for what he had done to her; there are some people who propose this angle, but my heart says, during a genuine loving relationship this kind of ideas generally do not surface. In that case what had gone wrong in their relationship?

If the former nun had genuine love for the priest, how did she dare to go so far, demanding not only the expulsion of him from the religious congregation, but also a huge sum of money as compensation towards the damage caused to her. It is possible that there are other more dominant angles in the story – one being the caste issue, and another political, but my contention is this : if this lady had true love for him, she could only think of what is good for him; what would make him happy, even if she is disrobed of her religious status, and had to struggle in the unfamiliar world she is thrown into. Has her love for him evaporated then?

I feel sad for the priest, who could think that his love for her had become a public commodity, or worse still a yellow journalism. It is possible we might never come to know the different layers of their relationship, because it is only God who could fathom the hearts of people. While we await the legal procedures to take their own course, it is impossible to condemn anyone; who knows what had forced the former nun to resort to this extreme form of cruelty to the one who had loved her beyond all measure! It could be social or political pressures, or even psychological ones. I would like to remember both of them and place them before the Lord of all consolation that he might bring peace in the hearts of these two in a special way today!

Daring to say 'No'

Thinking about the Genesis story of the fall of humanity, I often wonder why Adam did not have the guts to say ‘no’ to the forbidden fruit, which Eve offered to him. He had after all known that God had forbidden them to eat it, and he could have just told her to throw it away; instead he too takes it and shares the sin of disobedience with Eve. Was he too frightened to say ‘No’ to her? Or if he was afraid what she would think when he says no to her! It is very difficult to guess what might have motivated him to accept the fruit, and if only he dared to refuse the fruit, probably we would have a different story of the fall of humanity!

Studies continue to show that women have far more stamina and strength than men, and this applies to not only the physical sectors, but also to psychic, spiritual and mental areas. More and more men find themselves at the receiving end, and it is difficult to explain the phenomenon. I had been thinking about this for quite some time, taking specific cases of women subduing their men, and the men keeping mum to all the mental and psychological torture which their wives or loved one’s might inflict on them. Sometimes I ask myself, why are these men so very cowardly in front of their women? Are they afraid of losing something very essential in life?

One may think that I am able to think aloud so much because I am not married, and therefore do not understand what goes on between a man and a woman bound by wedlock! It is true that I am quite inexperienced about what may bind a man with a woman, and what may lead a man to silently bear all torture and mental pain inflicted on him (and I do not say that the reverse is uncommon in our society), and does not feel it normal to walk out of such an existence. Even when things do not work, these men continue to live as if nothing is wrong with them, and pretend to show to the outside world that they make the most perfect couple in the world.

I would be one sided if I were to say that men are most often innocent of what they are accused of (infidelity is one of the most commonly pointed accusation on men by women, especially where there is a definite commitment); some men are so very vulnerable that their boats keep rocking, already from the day of their formal wedding; and probably even after they reach the coffins, the boat may be still rocking. Why are some women so mean, possessive, dominant and suspicious that their husbands lose all sense of self-respect, freedom, and their private space is demolished to the ground, and they cease to live their personal lives!

I have such a man so very closely; he does not speak to me anything about what transpires between him and his wife. I often come to hear about the unceasing battle in his house through third persons, and I feel so sad for him. He had done all that he could do, to make his wife happy; the riches he had accumulated for her (sometimes even through unfair means), the jewelry he had purchased for her, properties in their name, and yet what they lack at home today is peace! Even his only eight-year old son has begun to point an accusing finger at him! He does not live a human existence any more, and I only pray that peace may return to their home in the near future!

By What Name?

Names are sacred, because they are associated with the very identity of a person, so much so the name is equivalent to the person. We no longer hold the theory that the names have something very significant to tell about the nature, characteristics of the person concerned. Some (numerologists) go to the extent of finding the link between the name of a person and his/her qualities, characteristics and even foretell the future of the person. But one thing is true that most of us have no choice of choosing our own names! We are given names.

There are very few in our society, who are privileged to choose their names. Most of our names are given by our parents, relatives, and in some cases even elder siblings. Once a name is given, it is hard to change; even as adults if we wish to change our names to something better sounding and reasonably more intelligible, we have no choices, except to make an affidavit in the court of law about the change. But even then we cannot be sure that all the people whom we know would call us by our new name.

Whatever be the name given by our parents, there is bound to be some reason why they chose these particular names. There are cases when for Catholics, illiterate parents would ask the baptising priest to give a name on the spot, and the priests who had a host of their favorite names, would be only too happy to name the children as he liked. Given a choice to change our names, at least half the humanity may prefer to have a different name. If that is the case with our official names, there is more problem in store with our pet names, how we wish to be called! Because as we grow older, the pet names might become just obsolete and new names have to be invented.

We live in a society, where juniors are not expected to call their seniors by their names; there are folk traditions in many parts of the country, where a wife may not be permitted to utter the name of her husband, and so might refer to him only as the father of her son! That is a taboo. But what about addressing a senior person, at least a few years elder! If the persons are advanced in age, then we might address them as uncle, aunty; or too senior, then grandpa, grandma. The ones from college or English medium school may address as Sir or Madam. But still the problem does not end there.

Sometimes friends who are working in the same firm or office, but one a higher post, and another junior post, how would they address each other? Often the senior post is looked upon as a respectable one, while not the junior one, but among friends, should they follow these formalities? Ultimately the pet names are to come from the heart; those who are in love with each other are able to find creative and meaningful names, and either of them would love to be called by the partner with that name. The name, however stupid it may sound to others, is the sweetest of all names, when there is love and admiration!

Suspension of Suspicion

I feel bad for my brother, who has been having tough time with his wife for the past many years, the main problem being suspicion of his wife. He is now so frightened of his wife that he does not even dare to speak to his siblings freely and candidly. My sister reported to me that his wife does not even allow him to speak to my sister, who had lost her husband a year ago, and is now staying at our house. With a child studying in class 3, and my brother now nearing almost 45, his wife still claims that he is not a clean man. But then why did she choose to marry him? She is plain – she did not know that he was of that type.

I have come to know what suspicion can do to families; if my brother’s family is in deep trouble, it is all because of the suspicion of my sister-in-law, so much so that she feels obliged to guard her husband all the time. Formerly my brother used to play leadership roles in the Church and community service, but my sister-in-law had forced him to stop all these, because she suspected him speaking to ladies, some of them too young, and she could not tolerate it. She had not verified any of her allegations, and everyone knows for sure most of her allegations are baseless, but that is how suspicions grow and thrive. If only she had trusted my brother and believed in him, the family would be a happy and peaceful family.

Any relationship is based on trust and confidence; I feel frightened of relating to persons who are suspicious of my relationship with others, and sometimes I even dare to tell them that I cannot relate to persons who have innate capacity to suspect. If these people suspect my faithfulness, fidelity and commitment to them, and try to check for themselves if I am failing in fulfilling my part, then they may be spared; but if they begin to suspect how I am relating to others, if I am closer and more intimate with others than this particular person, then I consider it unwarranted, and is breaking the basic trust I had in her, and she in me.

Any relationship is sure to crack the very moment one of the partners raises the question of faithfulness and fidelity; even in marriage, the mutual relationship is strengthened and revitalised by trust and confidence. A wife cannot follow her husband wherever he goes, and similarly a husband cannot follow his wife wherever she goes. There are indeed possibilities of mistakes and slips, especially if the gentleman or the lady is smart and good-looking, and therefore attracts many persons to him/her. But that should not be construed as betrayal of the one s/he is committed to. We cannot live as an island, and need the support of all in society, and restricting any kind of relationship is sure to slowly break the social fabric.

Common sense says that if I begin to suspect my partner in a relationship, what is the guarantee that my companion cannot suspect me of the same, and how can I prove to the other that I am beyond all suspicion? I have begun to trust my friends unconditionally, and do not feel the need to know anything about with whom they are relating to, what their relationship is like, and how many times they speak to each other, what they write to each other on email, etc. I find it quite unnecessary and immaterial, because that is not my concern. I can be concerned about my relationship with her, but not her relationship with someone else. She has to manage it, irrespective of me, and I respect her freedom to do so! She may even have my blessings for it.

Unique Gift of Life

Maybe I will never be able to realize what D&R have gone through in life, and if only I know how each of their days pass by, I might be more empathetic towards them. Now what is this D&R? Dinesh and Reshma or Dravid and Rani, or David and Reena! Maybe these are some of the commonplace names, but behind these names are individuals who are "made for each other", but are left to grope in darkness with no child they can call their own. The number of childless couples is growing, and medical science is helpless to make them not only rear, but also bear a child! Pro-creation has always been one of the primary goals of Christian marriage, as we hear it from our catechism classes!

When the couple finds out that one of them is incapable of cooperating in the bearing of a child a few years after their marriage, all troubles start. The husband may blame the wife and the wife the husband; and the couple may blame the parents, and every other person they can think of! Unfortunately their problem of bearing a child does not end there. They try to undergo any kind of medical treatment, even the witches and the ojhas, with the hope that one day they would be the proud parents of a child. What happens when all of these costly attempts fail is what I dare not imagine.

I have seen so many couples who belong to this category; how nice it would be if the angel Gabriel visits all the houses of these couples and announce the birth of a child through unusual means, through divine intervention. Even angel Gabriel does not seem to like visiting our planet. But when their attempts fail, the bond of union that had kept them together all these days, begin to be brittle; men may indulge (if they are still young enough) in extra-marital affairs, alcoholism, smoking, bad company, and anything which can make them forget the harsh fact that he has no child of his own!

If men are able to give vent to their feelings and frustrations externally, women may do just the opposite. They may keep everything within their hearts, and may one day explode. Often such feelings may find expression in obesity, all sorts of diseases, gossipping, backbiting, suspicion and finding fault with the husband, jealous of their friends having cute little babes. The unhappiness of men and women often find some concrete expression, and it may be dangerous if these people are not able to find some sort of outlet for their emotions. Ideally the husband and wife should be able to find an outlet in their spouses, but when it fails, they should find adequate means.

We live in a world, where moneyed men and women are discovering newer formulae to manage life; some years ago, I have come across people who felt having a child was a nuisance, and so would love to be by themselves. The care of a third person, for whom they may have to give up all their comforts and pleasures, might appear too much for these kind of couples, and many of them decide not to have any children, even if they are physically fit to bear and rear a child. The gift of a child is a great gift; nothing on earth can equal this gift; but if someone is deliberately refusing to have this gift, then we can only assume that these persons do not know the value and worth of the gifts. Maybe they would realize what it means to have a child, when they feel old age fast catching up with them!

Friend in Need

Science and technology have developed all sorts of sophisticated machinery to make our lives cozy and comfortable; we were able to even intrude into the complicated biodiversity, and change the very nature of plants and animals. The more we make our lives comfortable and cozy, the more lonely does humanity feels. In the ratrace to acquire more money and wealth, the rich have forgotten to rest, and the middleclass do not want to give chance to fate; and the poor keep pushing themselves beyond their capacity in an effort to come to terms with what life has in store for them. But ultimately the plight of the poor is far more manageable than that of the wealthy.

What the modern world cannot create is friends, the proverbial people who can change our lives drastically. To have found a faithful friend is equivalent to have found a priceless treasure, and it is not easy to find one with whom our hearts would jel. Unfortunately there are no set rules and criteria to find if the so-called friend is truly a friend or just a selfish, self-centered opportunist. There is no better criteria to test and examine a friend than life itself, and it would be sad if there are people in the world who do not find time to discover a friend for themselves. The world will never lack true friends, just as it would never lack the sun, moon and stars to keep us going.

I have realized that in human relationships, and especially in a lasting friendship, we want our friends to dance according to our tunes; we become defensive as soon as something critical is voiced. We know the popular adadge, a friend is the one who knows our weaknesses and yet accepts us as we are! The role of true friendship does not stop with reflecting my true image, but also goes to reflect my other half, the undisclosed part. We can find life becoming more enjoyable, when we permit our friends to play the role of devil's advocate!

I have learned so much in life about being friends that for the sake of a true friend, I would be prepared to give up all that I possess! But there are more misconceptions about friends and friendship than there are in actuality. If there is someone who claims to have more than a hundred friends, I would not swollow his/her words too easily. They cannot be friends, but mere acquintances; all those I am in touch with and relate to cannot become my friends. Here is one simple way to test who my true friend is/are: when I am in a crisis situation, the first person/s I think of in order to seek asylum or counsel or help, s/he or they are my true friends.

I like the expression, that the true friend is the one in front of whom I would not hesitate whatsoever to strip myself naked, and present myself as I truly am. Of course this means I cannot have the audacity or the guts to strip myself naked before everyone I am relating to; if I do that, then I am not a friend, but merely an exhibitionist. When husband and wife become friends, the friendship that exist between them is raised to a higher level, and the love that exist between them reaches yet another landmark location in life. Today is a day to toast for all our friends, all who have come our way since birth, and for all those who are waiting to enter into our lives!

Time to Celebrate

It didn’t occur to me until yesterday that I have crossed the 100th blog a few days ago; and hitting a century is no mean achievement for the one who cannot hold the pen for too long. With a gap of about four months in between, the blogs went seamlessly, some days more than one hitting the screen. I feel that I had managed to make it till now, and don’t really know how many I will be able to hit in the next months and years…

I deserve to celebrate this achievement, though it is nothing one can be proud of, given the voluminous writings and blogs that fill the web. There are people who make business writing blogs, and for the people who consider the blogs as a viable escapist route to self-disclosure, and a serious examination of one’s consciousness. This needs a celebration, but who will join me? Those who look forward to an extra peg of whiskey or brandy, any time is time for celebration. They need no season and reason to open a bottle of whiskey and celebrate. What am I here to open and let the froth overflow?

Often in life I find people working hard throughout the year, forgetting to take time off to enjoy life. There are husbands who would sacrifice the company of wife and children in order to eke an extra amount of money, forgetting the fact that money really cannot purchase the pleasant company of being with wife and children, taking them for an ice-cream, accompanying them to a mall, or going on a picnic to the beach… A life which is dry and drab is not worthwhile. Those who know how to celebrate for any or no reason, are often the people who are happy, and know how to find happiness even if it is a cold tea offered to them by a friend. Celebrations give the much needed kick in life.

So, am I ready for a celebration today? Oh yes, the celebration is already on; this extra dose of blog is just to celebrate; spending an extra half hour, to pour out the thought that had been hanging on to my mind for the past two days, is truly a celebration which I enjoy indulging in. Yes, any celebration which does not give enjoyment to the participants cannot be counted as a celebration in the strict sense of the word. In fact, to enjoy and be rejuvenated, one does not need liquor bottles each time. What really energizes a person during celebration is the perspective, the point of view – what I am looking for!

Everyday can be a suitable day for celebration; if you want to add a little spice to your life, then double the dose of celebrations; find any excuse to have celebrations – say weekly celebrations, monthly celebrations, locality celebrations and clique celebrations… I can guarantee, the more the number of celebrations, happier will be your life. But mind you, I don’t recommend that each of your celebrations should be extravagant and expensive. Make a weekly celebration with just fruit juice; another occasion with just peanuts. Then you will realize that there are others who wish to invite you for their celebrations. If every day is a celebration, then one would think one life is not enough!