Freedom to be

For the last few days, I had been asking myself : What do I seek in a relationship, and value the most? No, it is not the cozy feeling that I am safe and secure in the loving embrace of a friend, who would stand by me in thick and thin, nor the comfortable feeling that when I am down my friend will cheer me up and boost my morale, nor give himself or herself completely in order to reach the goal I had set for myself. All these things are there in a relationship, but I feel deep down what I seek in a relationship is the freedom to be myself, knowing absolutely sure that I would not be intimidated, I would not be rejected for being what I am, or even pooh-poohed because I do not come up to the expectations of the person I am relating to.

It is not that I have been experiencing a smooth sail in all instances of initiating, establishing and going through relationships with different persons down the years; some relationships caught me unawares, because they grew out naturally and spontaneously; there were no exertions, or unnecessary coaxing from either party to make it work. Such were the relationships I knew were going to last longer than the initial euphoria that many of the relationships pose. Sometimes even deeper relationships became bitter, when the sugar-coating was gone, and when we began to step into raw selves, and it was hard for both to come to terms with each other, and make a sincere effort to accept the other as s/he was.

There is a hidden fear in me to be what I am in the company of people who may not wish me to be what I truly am. Often I am expected to dress myself according to the moral code set by the society, according to the high expectations that many in my company have on me, and so ultimately I end up being something or someone other than what I am, and that is a painful experience. I am aware that there are grey areas in me, which the people living around me, and sometimes the people who love and care for me, do not wish to see. The social and cultural taboos cannot be exhibited in public, and there is the child in me who cries out to see the light of day; it may be quite different from what my friends may wish, but that is me, my true self.

I remember occasions when a close friend of mine was shocked to get a glimpse of my true self; oh no! she exclaimed, and at that moment I know this is not what my friend was looking for from me. Just like a turtle which pulls in its head under its hard shell, I have to keep my head under the shell, so that no one can harm me; or if I keep popping up my head outside, I may not know when one or other person would deliberately or inadvertently stamp on me. There were times I had scandalized my friends, because I was trying to be my true self; sometimes my friends advised me to “behave” myself, because I carried an identity which did not permit me to indulge in certain kinds of behavior.

I am getting used to in shocking and scandalizing people by presenting myself as authentically as I am, and sometimes it is too much for my friends to accept, and they may decide to bid goodbye forever, and I may not deliberately wish to hold them back. I do not say that my true friends should accept all the stupid and idiotic things I do, but they are not shocked when I behave in that manner, and make an effort to slowly make me understand the other layers of my actions, which may pain and agonize them. That is the responsibility I look forward to from my friends, to grant me the freedom to be myself, and slowly open the gates of the hidden self and help me embrace it willingly and joyfully!

Failures as stepping stones

I know one thing for sure, I do not determine the success or failure of the things I am engaged in. Though I would desire success in all that I do, I do not succeed in achieving it; I am not able to say if there is something basically lacking in me, or if I am expecting far too much from life. I do have a good share of success in life, and for that I would ever be grateful to God; there were times when my companions and friends had envied me, and I had floated in vain glory. I even thought that I was smarter than what I had been imagining myself to be, or what others had thought me to be. But at the end of the day, I cannot help but admit that I am a mixture of success and failures in life, and I cannot hold on only to successes, for the real stepping stones in life are failures.

The world around me insists that success in life is the yardstick to measure the worth of life, but if that be the case a good majority of the human population would be condemned to failure in life, because what they had managed to achieve in life in terms of success are too negligible to mention. I know that success alone cannot be the indicator of how I have fared in life; I need to look for some other objective criteria, which will help me to assess my own self and that of others. Unfortunately the whole world may shout in unison that I was a utter failure in life and had not scored well in the examination of life, even if I had done my best. But I know with God there is a different kind of yardstick, and here he would look at my efforts and not so much the fruits of my labor.

Everyone around me looks at the fruits of my labor, if they are sweet or sour. There is not a single soul who would appreciate sour, but everyone would go in unison for the sweet. But the sour moments alone help a person to appreciate the beauty and wonder of the sweet. I had been overly conscious of achieving success in life, and in the meantime had failed to live life as it came to me with all its innumerable hues and colors. I had failed miserably to taste what life offered me, and even if I had succeeded in life from the point of view of the world, I have failed miserably before the Lord and before my own inner self. I had resisted the moments of my failure and cursed everyone who had made me fail in life, because it came as a bitter moment for me; it would take a life time for me to understand the secret behind every failure I had walked through.

If every single person were to succeed in life, and does not experience failure, then life would be quite different. It is only because there are failures that we could strive towards success, but there are moments when we find it hard to rise up from the fall and continue further in life. There are the moments we long for a helping hand, and who else but God stretches out his hand on the Cross and helps us to hold on to the wooden frame which is the ultimate symbol of failure. If the Son of God had gone through the ultimate symbol of failure, what is there for me to accept miniscule minute failures, which may not even leave behind their traces in my life. It is the crucified Lord who accepted joyfully the shame of utter failure, which could give me the sight to see the wonder of embracing failures when they come my way!

There is nothing more shocking and embarrassing for me than the moment of failures; this is the most unwanted reality in my life, and in fact there is not a single soul on earth, who would willingly and joyfully welcome failure. This is the unwelcome friend who alone can help us understand and appreciate the hard way to face reality. Today I stand to welcome every failure which may come knocking at my door, because it is only when I embrace it joyfully that I can enter into the very mystery of the Cross, and then I may find my way to the mystery of the resurrection, a success which may far surpass anything I could ever think of. This perhaps is the way of the kenosis, the self-emptying love of the Lord for his people. If I want to partake of the paschal mystery, then there is no other way than the path of failures, shame, scandal and humiliation which the crucified Lord walked through. Today this could be my way too to find fulfillment and true joy in life.

I am weak!

Ever since I heard the song some 27 years ago, I have been moved by the depth of the lyrics. Even today when I try to join my voice with the singer, I could feel my voice tremble. This song has become partly the theme song of my life. I am presenting the song which has become the favorite of several persons, and has moved them to tears. “I'm only human, I'm just a woman / Help me believe in what I could be / And all that I am / Show me the stairway, I have to climb / Lord for my sake, teach me to take / One day at a time.// cho: One day at a time sweet Jesus / That's all I'm asking from you / Just give me the strength / To do every day what I have to do / Yesterdays gone sweet Jesus / And tomorrow may never be mine / Lord help me today, show me the way / One day at a time. // Do you remember, when you walked among men / Well Jesus you know if you're looking below / It's worse now, than then / Cheating and stealing, violence and crime / So for my sake, teach me to take / One day at a time.”

Sometimes I wonder if something had gone wrong when God was creating me; if he had forgotten to add the proper proportion of head and heart. The weaknesses that I carry with me become the thorn in the flesh that St Paul talks about in his Second Letter to Corinthians 12:7-10. Why should my weaknesses control and direct my steps and why don’t I have the strength to withstand these temptations? I do not think that God takes pleasure in my weaknesses and falls; he cannot be such a cruel God. The more I become conscious of the ingrained weaknesses in my flesh, I could only utter the glorious words of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane: the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak! There is no dearth of goodness and willingness, but the flesh falters me each time.

Ignorance is bliss; it is all the more true in the case of my weaknesses. So long I was not aware of my weaknesses and limitations, I was in bliss, and there was nothing which disturbed my peace. Though a lot of people made so much of hue and cry, I was not moved; but things have changed drastically now. I am painfully aware of my dark spots and they make me sleepless. The fear of yielding to my weaknesses is yet another demon which is chasing me night and day. Even when I am so conscious of my weaknesses, I can’t even make out when I am yielding to it. It happens so suddenly that I may not be present to those moments. I feel sad that I had not been able to resist the temptation of yielding to the temptations. I have become a loser, again, and do not see much of hope in restoring back my life.

Even in my weak moments, there is one consolation: I am not the only weak person in the world; there are millions who are just as weak as I am, and some of them are even weaker than me, and still they go through life joyfully without complaining or arguing with the creator. It is possible that I am not satisfied with what I am, and always wish to be better than what God had made me to be. I comparison to my weaknesses, the strengths that God had showered on me are too numerous, and yet I only magnify my weaknesses and fail to thank God for the many strengths. It is because of my strengths that I am able to continue with life, without taking recourse to any short cuts. There are brighter spots which are my guiding light, and how easily I ignore them!

St Paul had experienced the strength that came from God during his weak moments, and it would have been a wonderful experience for him. To surrender my weaknesses to him, and seeking him to strengthen me – this is my moment of grace. This implies that I need to take recourse to him, seek his ever abiding help, so that I am not stranded on the life’s path. For God, my weaknesses may not appear as weaknesses, and he could turn them into my strengths; nothing is impossible for him, and that is where I place so much of confidence in him, and live with hope. Even if everything were to fail and part from me, I know God will not leave me, for he would be there every time I fall and seek his help.

Strength of the Weak

There is not a single soul on earth who can claim before God to be strong enough to face all the trials and tribulations of the world; there is no one who can claim innocent before the throne of God. There is a patch of weakness and sinfulness ingrained in each one of us, and no one is spared from this. But this is no matter to worry about, because when we acknowledge our weaknesses, we can experience the strength that comes from God. In fact, those who see their sinfulness and weaknesses before God and acknowledge them are no longer weak and fragile, but are strong persons, because it is the Lord who grants them his own strength to fight against all evils which enslave them. Therefore if I want to experience the strength and power of God, the only thing that I need to do is to acknowledge my weaknesses before him, and trust in his providence to strengthen me in his own time, in his own way.

There are people who cannot see their weaknesses, and would go all length to justify each and every action of theirs, and may pass the blame on to their neighbors, and even to God. These people often look for alibi, scapegoats to pass the bug on to some others. They cannot face their own nakedness, and the blot of sinfulness stare at them and it could become unbearable for them. But who can deny the human nature which is there in me, which makes me think that I am the most perfect person that is possible on earth! I would go no justifying my actions, heaping lie upon lie, until the whole mound crashes and I am made a laughing stock before all. I might then see the Lord standing at a distance and smiling at me. He might be just as helpless as I had been, but the only consolation I could have now is his very presence.

The psalms reiterate in unequivocal terms how God comes to the aid of the weak and the feeble; he gives them the power to stand against all the powers of the world, and they would be able to stand before kings and emperors and speak their mind, and still no one would lay their hands on them. Or take the case of Moses, the man who stammered, and had no gift of speech. ‘But, how can I? I do not know how to speak’ Moses complains to the Lord, and the Lord gives him Aaron to be his mouthpiece. What is the situation of Isaiah and Jeremiah? The weak persons become the champions of God’s justice and retribution. There are several examples for the weak people, who had been strengthened by the Lord, and they found their lives taking a U-turn thereafter. It can happen in my life too; the same Lord can make me stand erect by the strength he would shower upon me.

I cry to the Lord and tell him that I am utterly powerless to withstand the storms that threaten my life, and he looks at me lovingly and asks me to put my trust in him. Paul was such a man, who was conscious of his weaknesses, and the riddle of life – he could not do the good that he wanted to do, and was doing just the evil that he did not want to. This is a great irony of life, and Paul could not be freed from this predicament. He felt helpless and the Lord stood by his side and provided him with the strength to accept life with all the light and shadows. We have no authority to question the Lord’s ways; they may be quite contrary to human thinking, but all generations would prove that there can never be better justice than in the Lord. If I do not surrender myself to him, and acknowledge my weaknesses before his presence, I might be slowly sinking in my own sinfulness.

The Lord looks at our hearts and not our physique. We have the beautiful story of the anointing of David by prophet Samuel, who looking at the brothers of David thinks one of them should have been chosen by God; but God warns the prophet and tells him not to look at the physique because the Lord looks not at the body, but the heart. A heart that is broken and is supple before the Lord can win the favor of the Lord and he would shower his strength on his chosen and help restore life. Life cannot drown us, so long the Lord is at our side; but if we decide to take full control over life, and do not allow the Lord to take control over our lives, then we might have to regret. Today my only prayer before the Lord is that I might see my nakedness before my eyes and acknowledge my weaknesses before the Lord, who alone can strengthen me and make me his very own!

God who protects the virtuous

The Holy Bible shows in umpteen ways how God walks the extra mile to protect the virtuous, because their lives are in his hands. He cannot let their lives be swept away together with the wicked. There are stories after stories in the Bible which show God’s special care for the virtuous, who follow his directives. He separates them from the evil-doers at the time of retribution and gifts them with life. Such is the case with Abraham’s brother Lot, who is taken out of Sodom and Gomorrah, before God rained fire and brimstone on the twin cities and destroyed it beyond all recognition, but he remembered to save Lot. In his old age, God promises that he would not destroy the city where he would take shelter as he ran away from the cities of destruction. That was a wonderful way how God had a special plan for Lot.

Whenever we cry to the Lord, he listens to our prayer. All that we need to do is stretch out our hands to him, and he is sure to hold us. Think of the situation of Peter, who was known for his impetuosity, and while seeing Jesus walking on the sea, he too wishes to walk on the water. Jesus loves people who dare to dream big, and therefore he invites him to step out of the boat and walk. Doubt and uncertainty grip him hard and he begins to sink, and the very next moment he seeks the help of his Master, who stretches out his hand to him and holds him tight. Jesus would not even require the request of Peter to save him from the danger of sinking, for he would not let his beloved disciple die in the sea. Such is the case with all those who seek the help and assistance of God, he would be there to protect and save them.

I may wonder if I am truly virtuous to win the favor of the Lord, and seek his protection; one thing is clear that very seldom would a mother desert her son or daughter. The children are her own blood and there is a bond which is thicker than blood; if such is the case with our human mothers, how much more would be the bond that God had bound us with himself, our creator and Lord. There is not a single person who can feel that he or she is unworthy of God’s mercy and compassion; even the most hardcore criminal and sinner could find a safe haven under the protective wings of God, because the breath that we breathe does belong to God, and he cannot forget us, even if we go far away from his loving protection. The only condition that we need to fulfill is that we seek his help and assistance, that would do, and he would do the rest.

Jesus presents himself as the good shepherd who goes after seeking the lost; as is normally the case, often times the sheep might go its own way and may lose tract of its flock, and yet the shepherd does not complain and say, let it go to hell, it was after all not my mistake! He would leave behind all the others and go after seeking the lost. There is a wonderful message in this scene of the good shepherd that Jesus presents in the gospel according to John. He is the one who leads us to fresher waters and greener pastures, for he knows better than all, what is best for me and he would do accordingly. My judgments could err, but his judgments are impeccable and they would truly lead me to life in its fullness. Today I seek the protection of God, who alone can give life in its fullness to humanity.

We have no merit to call ourselves virtuous, and if there is any trace of virtuosity in me, it is thanks to the free gift of God, which he lavished upon me gratuitously. And yet before God, we all of us can find peace and security, irrespective of how we had been relating to him. Those who refuse life are the people who refuse his free gift, and still he is not the one who would reprimand and throw us away, he would still take us close to his bosom, because life was an extension of his divine self, which he showers upon the human persons. If Jesus is the one who goes after the lost sheep, then every sinner can find a place in his heart. This is truly consoling for all of us who are trying to tie up the loose ends, so that we can find true happiness and joy all by ourselves.

Walking the Path

God may only show the way, and it is for us to walk the path; after all, God cannot force us to walk the entire journey. As the famous Indian proverb goes, we may only take the horse to the waterside, but we cannot force it to drink water. The drinking part has to be done by the horse. When we are confronted by problems and challenges, God may help us, but he may not force us to be freed from the tricky situation. We need to cooperate with God in order to help ourselves. If God were to force us to live in safety and security, then it would not be we who live, but it would be God, who would be living our lives, and that would be quite contrary to the plan of God. He may provide us with the finest food, but we need to undertake the eating part; he cannot eat for us.

God invites us to help ourselves, though he does his part in clearing the hurdles which block our way to freedom and happiness. There are numerous miracles that Jesus performs, where he invites the sick to do their part to be completely healed. Look at the story of the ten lepers coming to Jesus and asking him to heal them; Jesus who respected the role of the high priests, tells the lepers to show themselves to the high priest… that is the little bit that they could do without much difficulty. The second part of the story only shows how wicked and cunning we could be, forgetting the goodness of God, and even failing to be grateful to him for the healing we have received. The Gospel says that as they were going to the high priest, they all were healed, and only a Samaritan returns to thank God.

Or let us take the story of Namaan from the Old Testament… the prophet had invited him to go and dip seven times in the Jordon river, so that he might be cleansed of leprosy. He was indignant, the Bible says, because he claimed there were cleaner rivers such as the Euphrates, and why he should have come all the way… But strangely what God asks of those who seeking healing is something so negligible and insignificant that we might think it silly and too trivial. If Namaan was too upset for being asked to take a dip in Jordon river, he might not have experienced healing. Perhaps we might be prepared to do something more demanding and challenging, but to do what is silly and trivial is too hard for us; if God does the 80 per cent of the job of healing, he wishes us to do the 20 per cent, to bring home the point that we have our role to play in the process of healing, for part of the healing comes from within our own selves.

We could take the story of Moses leading the people of Israel out of Egypt, and now they have come to bank of the Red Sea, and find it difficult to decide what they would do. Was it impossible for God to separate the waters so that his people could walk through it? Then why should he instruct Moses to tap his rod on the water, so that the water might divide? Similarly, when the people of Israel were asking for water, the Lord asks Moses to strike the rock with his rod, and water gushes forth. What is the point in these stories that God seeks the instrumentality of human persons? God is all powerful and nothing is impossible for him, and yet he depends on the human persons to bring to fruition his own divine plan, and therefore we become the collaborators in God’s salvific plan. For God, the little that we might offer to him is sweeter and tastier than all the rest.

Let me conclude with the famous story of the widow’s mite; what she had offered to the temple treasury is insignificant, and not worth mentioning, but Jesus takes note of this gesture of the widow, and appreciates her for the generosity with which she had offered to the temple. What is more important here is not how much she had contributed, but with what disposition she had done this act of contributing to the temple. One thing is sure, God cannot demand from us something which we cannot afford to give him, and he would ask us only what we can happily give to him, and he could multiply manifold what we offer him. Let us remember the wonderful story that Rabindranath Tagore narrates in his Song-Offerings about the Greedy (Kripon) man, who offers one gain of rice to the king who begged of him, and finds on reaching home that the grain he had gifted to the king had returned to him as golden grain, and he cries bitterly, ‘Why did I not give all that I had?’

Life in Abundance of Losers

Life is quite charming and enticing for the people who like to see the brighter side of things; these are the people who would look at the darkest clouds with a magnifying glass to trace thin silver lining, and that is all that is required for them to get back the zest and zeal that they require to fight back in life. There is no failure or challenge which is insurmountable to these people, because they have the inner strength to withstand all adversaries. These are not the brightest, cleverest and the smartest of people, but they know the art of living, and have learned it through the hard way, by submitting themselves to innumerable trials and errors. They have no pride to claim that they are beyond all vices; they know how vulnerable and fragile they are and yet they depend on a power which can put them at a level too difficult for the brightest, cleverest and the smartest to scale.

Let me again fall back on the wonderful miracle stories found in the New Testament. Every miracle that Jesus performs presents to us people who are weak, vulnerable, incapacitated, voiceless, unable to fight the odds by their own strength. The first step towards recovery for them comes from the fact that they do not shy away from acknowledging the situation they are in. Jesus helps them to acknowledge their vulnerability; it could be deemed as a testing on the part of the master healer, who plunges to purge their inner self, before healing them physically. What do you want? or what can I do for you? Or look at the mighty Centurion, I am not worthy to receive you, but you say only a word and my servant will be healed!

Why should the Centurion acknowledge what he is incapable of, and what was the need for him to strip himself naked in front of the wonder worker? But it is only when he stands naked could he expect the Master cover his nakedness with his own cloak. It is only the empty pitcher, which can be filled. If I do not acknowledge that I am empty, no one can fill it. I shall present one lovely poem by Rabindranath Tagore from his Song Offerings (Gitanjali, 77) : “The day is no more, the shadow is upon the earth. It is time that I go to the stream to fill my pitcher. The evening air is eager with the sad music of the water. Ah, it calls me out into the dusk. In the lonely lane there is no passer-by, the wind is up, the ripples are rampant in the river. I know not if I shall come back home. I know not whom I shall chance to meet. There at the fording in the little boat the unknown man plays upon his lute.”

Those who cannot accept what comes in life knocking at their doors, do not want to accept their vulnerabilities, their weaknesses. It requires far more guts and courage to acknowledge one’s weaknesses than to accept the strengths. That is why Jesus strengthens every person why present their vulnerability in front of him. The first lesson towards freedom, and its subsequent peace and happiness comes from accepting my own frailties. No one on earth is perfect; even the most perfect person would be quite impure in the sight of God. Thus to acknowledge one’s weaknesses is not a heroic act, but one which requires quite a deal of humility and submission. True healing can come only when I have the disposition to surrender myself fully before the all-powerful God, and prepare to follow his counsel.

Any loser who accepts and acknowledges his or her own defeat or loss immediately springs to hero or heroine. The healing that Jesus bestows is as an acknowledgement for the heroic act that they have displayed by accepting their weaker selves. Consider the story of Barthemeus, who is fully aware that he lacked sight and longed to see. ‘That I may see’, he cries out to the Lord, and he restores sight to him. The woman who had been suffering from haemorrhage for twelve years knows that only Jesus could restore her health, because she is aware that that was her real self, which had been haunting her for all these years. If I want to taste life and be enveloped by the aroma it emanates, all that I need to do is place myself before the Lord and accept my vulnerabilities, so that he could touch and heal me; why a word from his mouth may be enough to bring wholeness to me!