On Hurting Others

Is it ever possible that a person deliberately and voluntarily hurts another person? Those who have read the previous blog "On being hurt" would naturally say that it is not possible, because whether one is hurt or not, largely depends on how one responds to the external forces. But is there any other right answer to this question? Probably there is certain amount of truth, though we may have to rephrase the question. Is it possible that a person deliberately causes pain to another? Naturally hurting and causing pain are not one and the same thing. Hurt is something related to the mind, but pain is something related to the body, naturally provoked by the mind.

It would be wrong to equate every pain to hurt feelings, and every hurt feelings to pain. There is no other creature on earth which is as sadistic as the human beings. It is unfortunately only the human beings who love to see others suffer. Imagine the number of persons who love boxing, men and women being tossed in the ring (though we are told that all is not real, but feigned); the number of people who love violent scenes of killing and cannibalistic movies. We take pleasure in not only causing pain in others, but also in seeing others suffer. This is a fact which no one can really deny.

For the sake of clarity, we shall not consider those people who deliberately and consciously cause pain in others, by their words and actions. We know that this is objectively bad, and no decent person will every tolerate such a behavior. But we shall now consider those persons who unconsciously cause pain in others, and feel bad themselves when they come to know that they had been the cause of others' pain and suffering. All may not accept the excuses of these persons. I had gone for a dinner and was talking to a long-time friend of mine, and so did not bother to take note of other guests. The next day I get a phone call from another close friend of mine who also had been to the dinner, and she tells me that she is hurt because I did not bother about her! How do I respond to her complaint?

All my explanations to this friend of mine might sound unreasonable, and would think that I had been deliberately avoiding her, and that she feels deeply hurt by my behavior. What could I do in such a situation? There is hardly a way how I can repair the so-called damage done to her. She would not be pleased with any kind of reparation from my part. But I have found a way to handle such a situation, and is quite simple. I would not try to explain to her anything more than the objective fact. She would not accept my reasons, and I would not insist on it either. She might leave me the next time I meet with bitter tears, or may sob over the phone.

But the remedy starts after a day or two. I give a call to her under some excuse or other, and this time she would be surprised, or I might suddenly drop in at her house and tell her that on my way to some place I felt like dropping in. That is enough to break the ice. The hurt feeling is sure to melt at that very gesture, when she realizes that after all, I am not all that bad! This however does not give me freedom to be insensitive to the feelings of others. I need to keep my eyes and ears open, so that I don't cause pain in others, even involuntarily, because when I cause pain in others, I too am indirectly affected by it. When I am the cause of joy in another, that contagious joy affects me too, though positively!