How to name it?

Often I hear a complaint that I don’t know how to talk, but very seldom does anyone tell me how I should talk; I have taken for granted that I know how to respond to people, especially when their temper runs high, or when their spirits are low, or when they find it hard to contain themselves, but of late I have heard the complaint that I really don’t know how to talk. Unfortunately often in life we depend on words to express our innermost feelings and sentiments, and this is all the more true if we are to use external media to convey our feelings. Often when talking over telephone, I become so insensitive to the feelings of others that I leave them more pained and hurt than before.

It is possible I have learned the art of meaningful responding, or that I have learnt it all wrong, and it may be hard for me to learn everything from the scratch. I don’t know if this old horse can learn new tricks, but I am ready to give it a try. The problem now is, who will bell the cat. My friends all these years have taken for granted not to hurt me by telling me how I should respond to people when they are in pain, and how my words at those moments were hurting them. It is not that I am entirely blind to the pain my friends go through, but I find helpless to find a way of consoling them. Anything I tell them sound as if I am indifferent to their pain.

When I am hurt by the words of my friends, I do not hesitate to tell them to think twice before they tell something to me, and I may have to take the same advice for myself and put it into practice. At a couple of times, I have tried to practice it, and realized that if I think seriously before speaking, I do not get proper words, and recently one of my friends suggested that if I do not get proper words, it would be better to keep mum, instead of saying something which may only add fuel to the fire. I realize that one of the most dangerous words that I have been using rather casually, not only with my friends, but with all, is “OK”; the irony of my usage is that I use the word OK, even when things are not OK.

Sadly it had taken several years for me to come to this realization, that a so-called innocent word can infuse so much of pain and suffering in others. The expression in itself is harmless and innocuous, but when I began to use it out of context, it had become a dangerous one. It would take me quite a while to find a less dangerous expression to replace OK. If I were to watch carefully how others respond to my pouring out, my sharing and exchange, I would find more meaningful and helpful words and expressions. This brings me to yet another broader area of my interaction with people around. Do I listen sufficiently to others? Especially if they are pouring out their pain and agony to me?

There is yet another important area I need to spend time on; I am so preoccupied with my own feelings and sentiments that I do not pay attention to what others wish to convey to me, or what they want me to take note of. Due to this lack of listening to others, I fail to respond to them positively; though I hear their words, they do not enter into my inner self, and remains only at the level of my head. If only I begin to listen with my heart, then probably I would be in a better position to respond to them meaningfully, without uttering the meaningless OK for each and every sentence of theirs and thus annoy them more and more. But there is something I have to do, in order to listen meaningfully to what others communicate to me.

Harvesting on Hurts

In the recent days, I have realized how easy it is to hurt someone I love and care for, and often I do it without even realizing what I am doing. These are not just passing moments in the daily chores of a person, but moments which make a deep wound in the hearts of the people concerned, wounds which may take days and months to heal, and in some cases they may be carried on for years. One question which faces me squarely today is this : why can’t I stop hurting the very people I love so much? What is the need for me to keep hurting the very people time and again, and what pleasure do I get by hurting others, especially my dear ones?

It is hard for me to recognize the pain which many of my close friends go through when I hurt them deeply, and luckily very few bounce back to charge me for spoiling their peace of mind. Many of them let the hurt take its own time to heal, and wait patiently till then, in order to relate to me as they used to before I hurt them. I also realize that I don’t hurt anyone deliberately with the intention of wounding them, but probably there is somewhere in a corner of my heart, there is an unresolved hurt feeling, caused by whomever it may be, and I only try to give vent to this quite unconsciously, and without realizing the consequences it may create.

If I look at each day, there are very few days when I had not hurt anyone, and it would be quite revealing to me if I were to keep a notebook to jot down the different persons I had hurt each day, and look at it at the end of each week. This can help me to see the picture in toto. I may also need to do its counterpart: enlist all the persons who had hurt me each day, and to take a good look at the list at the end of the week. If I were to put both these lists side by side, there might be something very revealing to me; often I hurt the very people who unconsciously had hurt me, in the spirit of tit for tat. If this spirit continues, it is sure to create uneasy feelings among friends.

Just like every sound that has been produced and let out in the ‘air’ is never lost, but hovers in the universe, and if our technology improves, we may be able to retrieve the sound back, even after several years, so also every hurt feeling that we exchange is never lost, but is in the two or more persons concerned, and it may revive the old wounds even after several years. Proper conducive atmosphere where these wounds can heal, and a proper attitude in the hearts of all concerned, can make a difference in the lives of the people, in order to reap the maximum harvest out of these growth promoting experiences. But there are many who are just frightened of facing any such situation, and they would only love to avoid them, if they can. In such people, there might be very little chance for facing the challenges of life.

I know it is impossible for me to undo the effects of hurting others by saying ‘sorry’, even if it comes from the heart of the person who hurt me, and the same is also true with me when I hurt another person. I feel sad to realize that sometimes I begin to poke into the past wounds again and again making my friends and dear ones go through untold pain and suffering. Though I would like to say sorry to them all, deep down I know that my asking pardon is useless, unless I resolve not to indulge in such cruel and harsh treatments. As a human person I can only try my best in order to take up the challenge, but I would be quite powerless before an inner demon which is activating me to do such things which I do not wish for myself. If only I can identify this demon and do something about it, I would be a better person relating to people with genuine human concern all of us are endowed with.

On Hurting Others

Is it ever possible that a person deliberately and voluntarily hurts another person? Those who have read the previous blog "On being hurt" would naturally say that it is not possible, because whether one is hurt or not, largely depends on how one responds to the external forces. But is there any other right answer to this question? Probably there is certain amount of truth, though we may have to rephrase the question. Is it possible that a person deliberately causes pain to another? Naturally hurting and causing pain are not one and the same thing. Hurt is something related to the mind, but pain is something related to the body, naturally provoked by the mind.

It would be wrong to equate every pain to hurt feelings, and every hurt feelings to pain. There is no other creature on earth which is as sadistic as the human beings. It is unfortunately only the human beings who love to see others suffer. Imagine the number of persons who love boxing, men and women being tossed in the ring (though we are told that all is not real, but feigned); the number of people who love violent scenes of killing and cannibalistic movies. We take pleasure in not only causing pain in others, but also in seeing others suffer. This is a fact which no one can really deny.

For the sake of clarity, we shall not consider those people who deliberately and consciously cause pain in others, by their words and actions. We know that this is objectively bad, and no decent person will every tolerate such a behavior. But we shall now consider those persons who unconsciously cause pain in others, and feel bad themselves when they come to know that they had been the cause of others' pain and suffering. All may not accept the excuses of these persons. I had gone for a dinner and was talking to a long-time friend of mine, and so did not bother to take note of other guests. The next day I get a phone call from another close friend of mine who also had been to the dinner, and she tells me that she is hurt because I did not bother about her! How do I respond to her complaint?

All my explanations to this friend of mine might sound unreasonable, and would think that I had been deliberately avoiding her, and that she feels deeply hurt by my behavior. What could I do in such a situation? There is hardly a way how I can repair the so-called damage done to her. She would not be pleased with any kind of reparation from my part. But I have found a way to handle such a situation, and is quite simple. I would not try to explain to her anything more than the objective fact. She would not accept my reasons, and I would not insist on it either. She might leave me the next time I meet with bitter tears, or may sob over the phone.

But the remedy starts after a day or two. I give a call to her under some excuse or other, and this time she would be surprised, or I might suddenly drop in at her house and tell her that on my way to some place I felt like dropping in. That is enough to break the ice. The hurt feeling is sure to melt at that very gesture, when she realizes that after all, I am not all that bad! This however does not give me freedom to be insensitive to the feelings of others. I need to keep my eyes and ears open, so that I don't cause pain in others, even involuntarily, because when I cause pain in others, I too am indirectly affected by it. When I am the cause of joy in another, that contagious joy affects me too, though positively!

On Being Hurt

There are some who often complain that they are hurt by the behavior of others, including by the persons they consider dearest to their heart. Hurt then leads to reservation and certain amount of self-imposed isolation, and that leads to self-pity, which may in turn lead to other vices, depending on the disposition of the person who feels the ravages of being hurt. But looking at this phenomenon of being hurt, it is not an exaggeration that there are very few persons who can hurt those who are conscious of themselves and in touch with what goes on within them.

Let me put it figuratively, taking an image from the Bible. If a building is strongly built on a rock, any amount of rain and shine cannot destroy it; but if the building is built on a heap of sand or soft mud, then there is no force on earth which can really protect it from torrential rain. Psychologically speaking, criticism, especially when it is targeted at character-assassination, can possibly lead one to get agitated, because here it is not the mind which takes control of the person, but the senses. There is a way to handle criticism and feelings of 'hurt'.

A criticism can really affect us only when we give it undue importance; when we take them too seriously. When my friend or spouse does not behave the way I would expect him/her to do, then I feel annoyed and in some cases even feel hurt. When I am not given the importance I expect from the people I love and appreciate and esteem, then I feel hurt. But very seldom would I pause for a moment and think if they meant to hurt me at all! Maybe I can take the case a little seriously if the person had deliberately wished to hurt me, to pull me down morally. Then there is a different way of tackling that too.

If I ever feel hurt, then there are more chances which point to the fact that the problem is not out there, in that person or these people, but is deep within me. What the other person said or did might have triggered off the hurt feeling that had been remaining dormant in my heart. So if I sincerely want to find a solution, I cannot find it out there, but have to take a peek deep within me. I might come face to face with some of the skeletons I had not bothered to discard. Once I begin to clear my cupboard, then I may find there is no reason for me to feel hurt! I can look at what people say and do at their face value, without giving them a meaning which they don't contain.

Hurt feelings basically point to the position when I feel I deserved a better treatment than given to me; better attention than what I was accorded with. But this better treatment and attention could also be provided from within, instead of looking for it from outside. There are more chances I will not get them from outside all the time, which only points to the fact that I need to make use of the inner resources often lying unutilised. All that I need to do is, take time off for a while and go deep into myself and feel the power that animates me... feel my whole body pulsating with this power and energy, and then I can feel that I am a building that is built on a rock, and no one can really pull me down!