Harvesting on Hurts

In the recent days, I have realized how easy it is to hurt someone I love and care for, and often I do it without even realizing what I am doing. These are not just passing moments in the daily chores of a person, but moments which make a deep wound in the hearts of the people concerned, wounds which may take days and months to heal, and in some cases they may be carried on for years. One question which faces me squarely today is this : why can’t I stop hurting the very people I love so much? What is the need for me to keep hurting the very people time and again, and what pleasure do I get by hurting others, especially my dear ones?

It is hard for me to recognize the pain which many of my close friends go through when I hurt them deeply, and luckily very few bounce back to charge me for spoiling their peace of mind. Many of them let the hurt take its own time to heal, and wait patiently till then, in order to relate to me as they used to before I hurt them. I also realize that I don’t hurt anyone deliberately with the intention of wounding them, but probably there is somewhere in a corner of my heart, there is an unresolved hurt feeling, caused by whomever it may be, and I only try to give vent to this quite unconsciously, and without realizing the consequences it may create.

If I look at each day, there are very few days when I had not hurt anyone, and it would be quite revealing to me if I were to keep a notebook to jot down the different persons I had hurt each day, and look at it at the end of each week. This can help me to see the picture in toto. I may also need to do its counterpart: enlist all the persons who had hurt me each day, and to take a good look at the list at the end of the week. If I were to put both these lists side by side, there might be something very revealing to me; often I hurt the very people who unconsciously had hurt me, in the spirit of tit for tat. If this spirit continues, it is sure to create uneasy feelings among friends.

Just like every sound that has been produced and let out in the ‘air’ is never lost, but hovers in the universe, and if our technology improves, we may be able to retrieve the sound back, even after several years, so also every hurt feeling that we exchange is never lost, but is in the two or more persons concerned, and it may revive the old wounds even after several years. Proper conducive atmosphere where these wounds can heal, and a proper attitude in the hearts of all concerned, can make a difference in the lives of the people, in order to reap the maximum harvest out of these growth promoting experiences. But there are many who are just frightened of facing any such situation, and they would only love to avoid them, if they can. In such people, there might be very little chance for facing the challenges of life.

I know it is impossible for me to undo the effects of hurting others by saying ‘sorry’, even if it comes from the heart of the person who hurt me, and the same is also true with me when I hurt another person. I feel sad to realize that sometimes I begin to poke into the past wounds again and again making my friends and dear ones go through untold pain and suffering. Though I would like to say sorry to them all, deep down I know that my asking pardon is useless, unless I resolve not to indulge in such cruel and harsh treatments. As a human person I can only try my best in order to take up the challenge, but I would be quite powerless before an inner demon which is activating me to do such things which I do not wish for myself. If only I can identify this demon and do something about it, I would be a better person relating to people with genuine human concern all of us are endowed with.

Beyond the Horizons

There is something common between Ivan and I: both of us were reporters for a Catholic news agency for a while, and both of us had tried our hands in writing, though Ivan thought it was his "special calling", and I considered it as my "first love". Not that we liked factual reporting, but liked creative writing, where we could synthesize the knowledge we have garnered and reprocess them on the basis of our experiences, and re-present them in a palatable way to the masses. I was struggling more than Ivan, given the background from which I climbed up the ladder, and I was not envious of the youngster too!

Today meeting Ivan after some years, was a pleasure; we had spent several hours discussing about our lives in a religious congregation, which bade farewell to Ivan about ten years ago, and he continued to pursue his career with a news agency in Bangkok. As he poured out his pains and agonies in working with people of different nationalities, the way how they treated him because of his 'not-so-fair complexion' paying him just one third of the salary they paid for the house rent of an office companion, I felt sad for him, but I had not much words of comfort and consolation. It is his life and he has chosen it voluntarily, and would find a way to get through!

But what was more important for me to recall was the way how he got back to settle his personal scores with life; he had gone through unexpected alleys and valleys before he could find the plains, and as he stood at the endless vast canvass of life, he found an unseen Power leading him through. Life had taught him great lessons, and he would be ever grateful for whatever that had moulded and shaped him, and he would not regret for what he had to go through, though much of those moments were mingled with sweat and tears. The past sweet and sour experiences had paved way for his present, and today he is grateful for his past!

There are two ways of approaching our bitter past : either to curse the experiences of the past, and refusing to acknowledge their role in shaping our present, or to accept and acknowledge them as part of our life journey, and move towards the sign posts the past had placed our way. The people who opt the first option often end up bitter and defensive; they would find all the reasons to blame the world, and even themselves. The people who approach life in the second way are often wiser and happier; they would not have regrets but only gratefulness to the experiences and the people who had contributed towards those shaping moments.

Those who stand by life's stepping stones, and keep looking back at the thorns and thistles they had passed through and forget to look yonder towards the future in store for them, are bound to end up stuck up on the way; is this what Christ meant when he said, those who have put their hands on the plough and look back are not fit for the kingdom of heaven? I very much think so. Every past moments have shaped our present, and pave way for the future; but those who are not able to look towards the horizon beckoning them to reach the North Star, so that they can at least reach the end of the horizon, opening the gates to yet another horizon! I am happy my friend Ivan have stood at the end of one horizon, and is able to see the other horizon beckoning him tenderly and lovingly!

The Art of Flying Kites

Makar Sankranti (which generally falls on either 14 or 15 of January according to Lunar calendar) is considered an auspicious moment for the religious Hindus; on the one side we have the Ganga Sagar mela in West Bengal, and on the other the Kumbh mela in Haryana, where devotees dip themselves into the cleansing (?) waters of the Ganges, and get themselves purified. For good many Santal tribals, the occasion is celebrated as Sakrat, the festival of 'eating and drinking', marking the end of the harvest season. For reasons unknown, Sankranti is also a season of flying kites, and across the country one comes across special kites competitions organized during these days.

Flying kites is not as simple as it looks; it is an art, just like singing, music, and dance are; or just as not every one can write great poems, or sing in accurate pitch, so also not every one can fly a kite. Some years ago, I didn't believe that flying kites can be a challenge; when I found a few kites perched on the terrace of our building, I tried to fly it, and what a disastrous attempt it was. The kite refused to soar; I tried to imitate little children so wonderfully maneuvering in order to keep the kites soaring higher and higher, but all in vain. It was a great moment of enlightenment for me: one, not all can fly kites, and two, it is easier for smaller children to learn flying kites than for adults!

But what does the art of flying kites refer to, and what is it all about? Put simply, it is all about the art of maneuvering; it is very similar to the maneuvers that a fighter pilot would make, in order to escape the target of the enemies. Sadly a killer instinct is also made to thrive while flying kites; it is no longer a game to let the kite kiss the blue sky, and wander freely amidst the clouds, but it is also targeted to knock down other kites, and the thread is given a coating with glass paste, which is capable of severing other vulnerable thread. But this is human ingenuity going beyond reason and good sense.

To maneuver a kite in the midst of strong winds is not an easy task; just as a boat which is supported by a mast is left to the whims and fancies of the winds and the tides, so also is the kite is left to the winds; but it is only a master kite-flyer who can turn the kite to face the winds and bring it back home. But there is yet another easy option left to him/her, to let the kite follow the winds, but then one s/he has to make sure there is enough stock of the thread, if one still wants to have an hold on the kite. There is the third option, to let the kite go free by leaving the thread, and just enjoy gazing at the kite freely and gently glide through the winds and going beyond the sight. There is a pleasure in watching your dreams, fantasies take wings of poesy!

It is only the small children who would have the inner freedom and generosity to let the kites go free in the sky, and not make a hue and cry if the thread is snapped and the kite takes freedom to go where it wills. The freedom to let things go free from our hands demands we have the generosity to let things go out of our control, out of our hands. We cannot have the threads of the kite held tightly in our hands, and at the same time let it go free; we cannot keep the cake and eat it. But there is no greater joy and satisfaction than to let the kite glide through the winds in the blue sky, and gazing at it with the contentment that it is in the good hands of the sky and the winds! For like all arts, flying kites can bring us joy, and letting it go free can bring greater joy!

Pleasure from Pain

It is hard to describe how much of inconveniences the mother and brother of a companion of mine go through in order to keep the father under control. The father in his late seventies, had been suffering from some kind of psychotic disorder, which the doctors are not able to diagnose and attend to it. Sleepless nights and days have become their daily routine, as the father begins to wander in his past glory, and imagines that he is in a different location and a different time. Anger and violent protests have become quite common, and to keep him under control is not an easy task, but this is something that they cannot help but accept. Often I hear the whisper of the mother that she is worn out and she would not live long under this kind of stressful situations.

Two things come to my mind. First, the care and concern the family has in attending to the old father, who is just not aware of what he says and what he does. Diabetes and swinging blood pressure have made his situation worse; when he was taking medicine to keep his head and mind cool, it had repercussions on the diabetes and blood pressure. Now that the hospital he was staying in has discharged him, my companion is blank as to what the family would do next. He keeps muttering that they are facing a dead-end, all the possibilities having run dry. I could see that he too has not slept well ever since the family brought his father to the city; he has been running helter skelter, trying to meet doctors, getting medicine, and at the same time attending to his office works.

Everyone in the family seem to be fully aware that they cannot blame or shout at the old man, who does things without fully being conscious of; they do not put the blame on him. Sometimes they are hurt by what he tells them, but they know that he is not aware of the words which spill from his lips. They try to be as gentle and nice to him as they can, and that makes the old man a bit soft in his dealings with them, but that is not the end. It would not take too long for him to get into his usual tantrums and put all of them into uneasy situation. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I were in the place of my companion; it is psychologically not too healthy to live in such hyper tension day after day. It is sure to affect one mentally and psychologically.

Second, everyone in the family is a silent sufferer; we all suffer for the ones we love and care, and that seems to be part of the bundle! It would be quite unrealistic to imagine that we always have good time with the people we love. There are times when we may not have any other option than to silently suffer, while the other party may not even be aware that we are shedding silent tears. The other possibility is also there, when one party is indifferent and cold, the other party may go through untold suffering, and it may be hard to accept if the pain and suffering is inflicted on the other deliberately and willingly! This is yet another riddle of life, for which we may not have an answer.

Even as we suffer for our dear ones and those we care, there is an amount of joy and happiness we may experience deep within; this may be a passive pleasure, but it is real! But this pleasure may turn to self-defeating when it begins to submit oneself voluntarily to be persecuted and tortured by another. A pleasure which comes out of self-pity and self-surrender before sadistic and masochistic persons cannot be deemed real and authentic. Pain and suffering come to us unasked, and if we go seeking them, that may be the sign that we are going crazy, and may need some psychiatric counseling, but when it comes to us unasked, we can either accept it or reject it, depending on what we really want to do with it.

On Hurting Others

Is it ever possible that a person deliberately and voluntarily hurts another person? Those who have read the previous blog "On being hurt" would naturally say that it is not possible, because whether one is hurt or not, largely depends on how one responds to the external forces. But is there any other right answer to this question? Probably there is certain amount of truth, though we may have to rephrase the question. Is it possible that a person deliberately causes pain to another? Naturally hurting and causing pain are not one and the same thing. Hurt is something related to the mind, but pain is something related to the body, naturally provoked by the mind.

It would be wrong to equate every pain to hurt feelings, and every hurt feelings to pain. There is no other creature on earth which is as sadistic as the human beings. It is unfortunately only the human beings who love to see others suffer. Imagine the number of persons who love boxing, men and women being tossed in the ring (though we are told that all is not real, but feigned); the number of people who love violent scenes of killing and cannibalistic movies. We take pleasure in not only causing pain in others, but also in seeing others suffer. This is a fact which no one can really deny.

For the sake of clarity, we shall not consider those people who deliberately and consciously cause pain in others, by their words and actions. We know that this is objectively bad, and no decent person will every tolerate such a behavior. But we shall now consider those persons who unconsciously cause pain in others, and feel bad themselves when they come to know that they had been the cause of others' pain and suffering. All may not accept the excuses of these persons. I had gone for a dinner and was talking to a long-time friend of mine, and so did not bother to take note of other guests. The next day I get a phone call from another close friend of mine who also had been to the dinner, and she tells me that she is hurt because I did not bother about her! How do I respond to her complaint?

All my explanations to this friend of mine might sound unreasonable, and would think that I had been deliberately avoiding her, and that she feels deeply hurt by my behavior. What could I do in such a situation? There is hardly a way how I can repair the so-called damage done to her. She would not be pleased with any kind of reparation from my part. But I have found a way to handle such a situation, and is quite simple. I would not try to explain to her anything more than the objective fact. She would not accept my reasons, and I would not insist on it either. She might leave me the next time I meet with bitter tears, or may sob over the phone.

But the remedy starts after a day or two. I give a call to her under some excuse or other, and this time she would be surprised, or I might suddenly drop in at her house and tell her that on my way to some place I felt like dropping in. That is enough to break the ice. The hurt feeling is sure to melt at that very gesture, when she realizes that after all, I am not all that bad! This however does not give me freedom to be insensitive to the feelings of others. I need to keep my eyes and ears open, so that I don't cause pain in others, even involuntarily, because when I cause pain in others, I too am indirectly affected by it. When I am the cause of joy in another, that contagious joy affects me too, though positively!

Work out for Workaholics

Some of my friends often tell me that they have no time to think about their near and dear ones, no time to say hello to a dear friend, or no time to scribble a few lines to the one who is deprived of the pleasure of email... No time. I am busy! I get annoyed when people say they are too busy, that they cannot spare a few minutes. We have conveniently given such people a honourific title, 'workaholics', and many are happy to be branded so. The logical conclusion of these people is they end up burn outs. They get absorbed so much with what they do, that they forget their true identity; they think they are what they do! This identification is dangerous and in fact if one starts to identify oneself with what one does, that is the starting point of burnt out...

Maybe it is only the human beings who are endowed with that fifth sense (rationality) or the sixth sense (intuition) to dissociate ourselves from what we do. Being and doing are two completely two different states of existence. The workaholics live the existence of "doing" and they hardly ever "be". Can there be a unsurmountable work which will block a person completely from being what he/she truly is? In reality it cannot be; but then where is the problem? It is in the human mind which wishes to project itself as the busiest person in the world, a thing that he/she can be proud of. People may think that the person was really enterprising, and hardworking... faking is so easy for them.

But there is another way of being while doing the job I am involved with... If I begin to enjoy the job I am busy with, then I am truly being to myself; my whole person is involved with the work; it is pleasure for me to be involved in that job, and no more a burden. But take the case of workaholics, they seldom enjoy their jobs, and that is evident from the fact that they may spend more time complaining how difficult their job is, rather than doing something about it. That is what makes me to think that most of the people who say they are busy are basically faking. In order to hide their idleness, they have to pose as if they are busy with some work or other.

Am I then telling that there cannot be situations where a person has so much of work than he/she can digest? Such a situations are always possible. One can either be or do in the way one approaches the work. You may look at the job as something that needs to be done, and you may do it passively without allowing yourself enter into the work, and you count the hours passed, and look at the clock at every five minutes. On the other hand one may like the job so much that he/she has not realised how the time has passed, and there is no grudge on their part. The latter are not workaholics, they are normal, healthy human persons.

There are times when my work takes precedence over people, and I may become so inhuman to the very people who care for me; such are dangerous symptoms of becoming addicts to the job. What happens when their job comes to an end, and where do they turn to? We need to do our work to the best of our ability, but our work cannot come in the way of our being... however important that work be, it is only next to our being. Today I will pause for a few times during my work, and ask myself, am I a passive workaholic, or do I draw immense pleasure in doing the work I am assigned to. Maybe when I begin to enjoy the job, I may begin to see the world with different eyes, different vision... I may see there is beauty in the work too, and such a realization is sure to take me to the beauty that is within me; that maybe the beginning of my encounter with the Antaryamin, the Lord of my heart!