Will to Live

The end came too suddenly, and no one was prepared for it. When I received a telephone call from the college, least did I think that the caller would shock me with just a four word sentence : He is no more! For a moment I could not say anything, I could not get anything, as to what to say. I had a personal chat with him just three days earlier, and now I am told he is no more! What could have happened, I wondered, even as I took a few moments to gather myself to handle the situation? I had to go to the college to see the man, who was alive just a few minutes ago, but now lies dead on the bed, and have to wait for our house physician to certify that he is dead. Even as I rushed to the college, my heart and mind said that something had gone wrong somewhere, and we have lost him.

Fifty seven is not the age to say goodbye to this beautiful world, and what is worse this man did not want to leave this world so soon, and he had a great desire to resume normal life again, but we had not given him a chance. There was a blame-game even as he lay dead, just an hour after his departure, that he should have been careful when his liver functioning was becoming strenuous, that he could not blame anyone for the situation he was in. I made a few frantic attempts to tell the senior man that it was not the time to blame the man who now cannot get up to defend himself. I would not say that this young man could fully justify himself for the way he handled his health some years ago, which led to the destruction of both his kidneys, but his past was something that could not be undone… Unfortunately in life very seldom do we have the option of UNDO, as in any Windows based programs.

The tears that I had witnessed welling up from his eyes just three days ago were haunting me to say that our negligence was also responsible for this sudden departure of this man. I feel sad for him because he might not have guessed that he was going to leave the world so soon. There was no sign that he was getting mentally prepared for the end, which was beckoning him. Even as he interacted and complained to all those who mattered about how his situation could be salvaged, one thing was certain, he was slowly giving up the will to live. This was quite obvious from his conversation with me. He had zest for life, and he would do anything to retain life, even if that means walking out of the way of life he had voluntarily chosen some thirty five years ago.

When he told me three days earlier as I went for a meeting with two other friends of mine, that he wanted to have a chat with me, I had told him that I would meet him after our meeting. And when I returned from our meeting, he led me to his room, and opened up his bruised heart to me. The barometer of his will to live was already sinking to the dangerous level, and I could only guess that he holds himself strongly and boost this energy. As I walked out of his room that day, I only told him not to lose hope, and was not sure though if I sounded convincing enough. If his will to live had sunk so low, I feel that we were responsible for it, and there is hardly anyway how we could undo it. We have lost one of ours, who did not deserve to leave so soon.

Even as he struggled with the impending death, and the inevitable, there were some who were trying to support him, giving him the much needed boost to stay alive. Reality did not match with the sweet words of the people who were responsible for taking his case forward, and that was painful for him. At his sudden demise, these people were heart-broken, and did all they could in order to give him a beautiful farewell. People were generous to give their time and energy to take him gently to rest with the embalmers, and prepare the place for a memorable funeral service. I only wish he does not smile and whisper in my ears, I only wished you people paid this much attention when I was struggling with life during the last few months! Fare thee well, my Brother!

Falsifying Falls (SS 03)

I cannot afford to fall in life, and if I do, then that would be the end of my honor, fame, the good name which I had been treasuring all these years, and here I see the Son of God falling to the ground with his Cross, and I take courage to look at his bruised face, he does not regret for falling, to face the shame and humiliation of falling on the ground. Has he become so immune or inhuman not to feel the pain and agony, not only physical, but more so the mental and psychological? Who wants to fall on life’s journey, and who does not blame the whole world for falling? But here is a very different scene, the Savior falling to the ground and yet there is not a word of complaint or blame-game or accusation of those who had condemned him to this situation.

Even as he carries the heavy burden of the Cross, pressing him down to the very earth he had sanctified over the past three years, and his frail body giving way, his spirit is still strong (I remember his golden words even as he walked to the Garden of Gethsemane : the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!); it is the strong will power which propels him to fix his eyes on the Calvary, as he staggers step by step. But then he probably knew about the impending fall, and he does not take any extraordinary precaution not to fall; the weak body has very little strength and energy left, and he cannot hold himself anymore, and therefore allows himself to fall, and as he falls, I can see the Mother Earth spreading her palms to hold her child, he does not protest, he kisses the ground and rises again to walk further.

Is it not ironic to not only imagining but also witnessing the Son of God so weak and fragile that he falls to the ground because of the weight of the Cross? The world cannot accept fall, under whatever circumstance it be; to fall is to give into one’s follies and vices. One cannot afford to fall, leave alone lie down on the earth, unable to rise up. I frown upon anyone who has fallen, and they cannot be considered worthy citizens of this earth; they are lesser human beings, because of their fall due to yielding to their vices and sins. I have very little regard for those who have fallen “from grace”, and are trying to get back to their toes.

But the problem with me is that I cannot think of falling, and cannot accept even myself falling to the ground, either due to my own vices and sins, or because of the faults of others. If that be the case, then am I saner and more sacred than the man from Nazareth? If Jesus could allow himself to fall, what prevents me from accepting my own falls, even if that means due to the faults of others; after all, the fall is not everything; there is life after fall, and that is what the Savior reminds me of. When a friend of mine applies for the admission of his son or daughter, he approaches me to recommend his case to the concerned principal, so that his son or daughter is not deprived of a seat, “just in case” the child fails to fare well in the interview! I cannot afford to fail.

I have an incorrigible tendency to look down upon everyone who had fallen in life, I consider them not fit for life, while I conceal every time I fall, lest others think that I am too fragile and weak, which I am. I think of the numerous moments when I had fallen without knowing, and was not even aware that I had fallen, and there were helping hands coming from all corners to raise me up, and put me on the track. How wonderful it is to have people who do not show an accusing finger at me when I fall, but provide me with the much needed push to stand up and continue my walk! My greatest consolation is that these are people who would not run away the moment I fall to the ground, but stand by me to raise me when I fall. They are truly God-sent!

It is so easy for me to find fault with all those who had fallen in life, and are struggling to rise up and move forward, though the weight of the cross may be pressing upon them. I have all the resources to rise up, but the Savior had none to give that much needed helping hand; he had to look up to the Father, to gain the strength to rise up with the Cross. As I gaze into the eyes of the Lord, I remember my own falls, and the falls of all the people I am associated with; how many times have I been the cause of the fall of others, how often have I pushed people to fall to the ground, and was rejoicing at their fall? I feel sad for such moments!

You do not regret for falling to the ground, even as your already bruised body gives into more fresh blood oozing all over your frail body! You have no words of accusation or blame! I am no better than the bystanders who never stopped accusing you of what you were innocent of! Though I keep falling on life’s journey, I cannot bear people falling, even without their fault. Falls are part of life, and they may open up the floodgates of grace from your Spirit, because it is when I am weak that I can experience the power of your death and resurrection. I would like to extend my hand to raise up the many of my neighbors, because these are the very people who had been my strength and energy, when I fall to the ground. I kiss the ground sanctified by your fall, for this is the starting point of my little journey to my own Calvary!