Angel of Darkness

At the side of our main gate, I noticed a group of people crowding and watching something. Next to them stood a Matador vehicle, and it did not take me long to understand that someone had died in the family – the Muslim family which had made the footpath just at the side of our gate for the past 25 years or more. Death, the familiar guest at all families, does not spare any one, high or low, rich or poor, men or women. But this is perhaps the most uninvited guest we have ever known on earth; there is hardly anyone we have known, who willingly and joyfully welcomes Death. This is the season of Lent, and so it is appropriate to think about death, not only as Jesus triumphing over death, but how we carry our death in our bodies and minds. In fact, a serious contemplation on our deaths can serve to energise us to live more fully and joyfully.

Tony D’Mello in his famous book, Sadhana, a way to God, presents to us a meditation on our own death bodies. See and smell it, as it decays, infested with worms, and becomes earth. This is what we all are; perishable… we carry on our bodies the label “Perishable”, but unfortunately very few behave as if we are perishable; we are happy to think that we will live forever, and there will be no end to our life on earth. If only we consider our life on earth with a limited time and space continuum, then we will spend most of our energy to make the best use of the time to be happy and leave joyful memories. In such cases, death cannot come as a threat, but as a welcome guest, who comes to take us to give wage for our labor; is that not something that we should be happy and proud about?

We are drowned in sorrow and agony when someone dear to us depart this earth, and sometimes it is hard to accept this reality; such was the case with my sister, when her husband died all too suddenly, unannounced, and at a moment when she wanted him more. Her life was devastated when she knew that she has to fight with life (with the additional burden of carrying cancer in her body) all alone, helping her daughter find fulfillment in life. My brother in law was not the only breadwinner, because my sister was able to earn a living as a teacher, but what was more important for my sister was that her husband had turned a new leaf and was going to care for her. Death came one fine morning and took him all too soon, and neither she nor her daughter, nor any of our family members were ever prepared for it.

It may be easy to preach about death, and how we should welcome it with outstretched arms; but it is a different kind of reality when it does approach us. When we hear about the brutal killing of several men and women, or the accidents and mishaps which kills hundreds of people each day, we are not so much moved; but when it happens to one of our familiar persons, we are shaken, and find it hard to accept. Unfortunately no one teaches us the secret of embracing death with open arms, and except for a few brave sages and saintly persons, all of us find it a challenge to think about death, especially as it approaches us gingerly. This is one reality that perhaps the human race will never be able to undo, just as we have very little control over births. We are just pawns in the hands of creation and nature.

We are told that in death we enter into a different kind of reality, which cannot be compared with the earthly reality. The Bhagavad Gita talks about the nature of the soul in Chapter 2, when it leaves the perishable body, because it is something that knows no end. No one who has experienced it has ever returned to tell us how it is to face death; but one thing is for sure, whether we fear or not, whether we are happy or not, death will come to us at its own time and lead us home. We may say a thousand things in philosophical terms to explain how wonderful it is to welcome death, but it is a different reality in concrete, especially when the human bondage is thicker than blood. We look at the death of Jesus as a different kind of reality, where he subdues death and reigns victorious, and when we die, we too share in his glory, which is a new kind of identity and home address that we all can be truly proud of.

Why me, Lord?

One of my favorite songs of the yesteryears, was Why me, Lord! I remember listening to this song some 25 years ago, and the lyrics of the song still stir my heart. This song presents the popular sentiments of all people of all times, namely why should people suffer for no fault of their own. Yesterday as I was talking to a senior Sister, who had a fall and had to be transferred to another place, partially terminating her new assignment just half way through. I had been nursing positive hopes about what I could do, and all of a sudden my fall had changed all my hopes. What have I done to deserve this punishment, she asked me. I did not find adequate words to console her, and I remember three years ago, when I received the sudden heart attack of my brother in law and the immediate death, I did not know how to console my sister.

On many occasions we look up to God and raise the same question – why me? Of all the people on the face of the earth, why should I be subjected to such a harsh punishment? Could the Lord not have averted this thing happening to me? The Shack tried to delve deep into the mystery of this question, as did Job in the Old Testament. I know one thing for sure, this is a question that no human mind can adequately answer, and that is why human suffering and death are the riddles which cannot be conceived by the human mind. These are the realities that seal us with the imprint of humanness, and yet we yearn for an answer; we all want to know why bad things happen to good people. Human mind which has unraveled so many mysteries of the universe is unable to find an answer to this simple question, and it continues to baffle generations.

We are used to thinking only about ourselves, our own worries and troubles, and cannot think of anything beyond them. We think that only we carry insurmountable burden, while all others are enjoying their lives. This is because we do not easily disclose to others the mental pain and agony that we go through in life; we keep them locked up within our closets, or like to push them under the carpet. We all like to suffer silently, and that is the reason why each one thinks he or she is the only sufferer in the whole world; if only look carefully how each one is laden with heavy burdens, then we might think that ours is a much easier load than others. In fact every other person on earth is carrying much more burden than we do, and this could be a matter of consolation that we have been spared from such an insurmountable load.

It is impossible for us to imagine the greater plan that God may have for us, within which these painful moments, agonizing turn of events and unexpected change of our life expectations fall. Who can discern God’s way; it would be impossible for us to decipher the reason why things happen to us the way they do; if only we are able to find answer to all our questions, then the world would be quite different, and this time not necessarily for better. Thank God we are not able to understand why certain things happen to us; in most cases, we might thank God for making certain painful moments come our way, because these moments might have done more good to us than pain. However we could say this only on hind sight and it is impossible for us to recognize what the Lord has in store for us, when they do take place.

I cannot think of anyone who is spared of bad things in life; even the most virtuous and pious of men and women also had their own share of pain and suffering, sometimes these had more than their due share. This is because they had the mental stamina and spiritual vitality to bear all pain and suffering. In many cases, these men and women were subjected to more painful mental agony and torture, which tried to drain them out of the spiritual energy they had been relying on. All of us have our share of pain and suffering, and once we begin to see that it is only through the path of these painful moments that we could really enter into a state of sheer bliss. There is no shortcut to happiness and unending joy; we need to go through the path of pain and suffering in order to enjoy and relish what is in store for us. The wait might be worth it all.

Painful Parting

It was hard for me to leave home this time; I had been going home for brief stay over the past 25 years, each time spending just a few days to one full month, but have not felt so emotional and sentimental while leaving as during this time. I know there were more reasons for me to feel emotional this time. My sister had not been keeping too well two days before I left the place, and I felt sad about her situation; aging parents and her too young daughter. When she is sick, it is painful to see her, helplessness writ large on her face; this is a reality she has to get used to, and that has been affecting me.

It is of late that I have come close to my family, especially my sister, niece and my parents; the others - three families of brothers, all of them well settled, and earning fat salaries - had not been my concern. After the sudden death of my brother-in-law, I felt it part of my responsibility to stand by my sister and niece, and help her cope with life. What I could do to her is mighty little, however that had been bringing cheer in her and her daughter. I was happy to see that she is able to face life now fearlessly, and support parents in their old age too.

Over the past 25 years, ever since I left home, I have realized that the poor and the needy do not expect money or riches from us sannyasis, what they do look up to us is, our compassion, our love and time. On more than one occasion, my sister had made the same appeal to me, that I stand by her side, and she would be able to face life boldly. I may not be able to realize how hard it is to face life in real life situation; we live in artificial surroundings, where everything is taken care of; it is not so easy to battle with the odds of life and still retain one's sanity.

Though she knows for sure she has to put up with so much of inconvenience in order to bring up her daughter, and to support the aging parents, and adjusting to their idiosyncrasies, one thing is sure, she is not the one who would easily give up hope. The strong determination to keep striving has brought her up to this point, and I feel happy and proud for her. First it was the deadly cancer which bounced on her, some 10 years ago, and when she came out of it victorious, life could not bear her victory, and thus came a bigger shock, the loss of her husband. Now she has shown that she is a victor in every way.

My way of life does not permit me to keep close contact with her, or in that case with anyone else. However I know the little I do to support and stand by her side will not go in vain. I felt sad while leaving the house, because my presence at home could bring smile in her face, and she could rely on me for any kind of emergency. As an elder brother, this is my responsibility and privilege, and I feel I am not able to fulfill this, and that was bothering me. But deep within I know for sure that my invisible presence will help her to lean on me when needed, and gain that encouragement and support, which can keep her going.

Poverty of Paupers

As I joined friends to lift the ‘dead body’ of our friend who had died just two hours ago, to hand “it” over to the caretakers, an eerie feeling crept into me, and it lingered in me for quite some time. At that time, our friend went just with the ‘lungi’ he was wearing, and a bed-sheet below and above. That was all that we had sent him with; and today when he was in the coffin, he was dressed up handsomely, with one of his pants, vests, and a cassock. Already we were handing over his body, I noticed that there were very few things in his room; I had been told that some of his things were in the house he had been staying for quite a few years, and so the bare minimum was in the room. A day after his death, when I was looking for his personal photo album, I realized one of his trunks was there and a suitcase with clothes. A cassette player was the only gadget he had.

For a man of 57, he should have been having several times more things; I have heard about some of our friends, and especially diocesan clergy, when they are transferred they required at least a couple of trucks to transport all their belongings. One might ask what sort of things these people carry from place to place as they are transferred. In simple words, all the things that a family requires, those are the very things these people carry. The things include the following : television, mixie-grinder, cassette-players, VCD/DVD players, books, personal files, clothes, speakers, CDs and DVDs, clothes, blankets, bed-sheets. Some, I have been told, also carried their furniture and almirahs. In other words, they carried all they ‘bought’.

I imagined for a moment what are the things I have accumulated over the years, and what would happen if I were to bid goodbye tonight. Do I really need all the things I have in my room? Each one of us has a habit of accumulating things, for some it is books, for some others cassettes or CDs or DVDs, for some clothes, and for some others electronic gadgets… we have our own special interest and try to get all that is possible, not even thinking if we would ever need them in life. This is a psychological compulsion, and very seldom do we pay enough attention to this kind of tendency. If I were to look at carefully at the kind of things that are piled up in my cupboard, I would realize that at least 70 to 80 per cent of the material could be given up easily, without hurting my future.

Most often we collect things with the hope that one day we might require them, but the fact is if I do not require a thing today, probably I may not need it in the future. For instance, collecting electronic gadgets is a compulsion, and there are people who may not be satisfied with one gadget, but may like to have several things to keep their ego satisfied. These are the people who are always on the lookout for new gadgets, and as soon as they hit the market, they are there negotiating the price with the shopkeepers, not realizing that in a few days time the gadget will fill the market and they can get them for a much cheaper price. The same is true with “collectors” of all kinds. Today I need to ask myself, what is my compulsion? What do I take pleasure in collecting or accumulating?

I am overly concerned about my future and feel the need to keep things ready, not trusting in the providence of God. It is for this reason that Jesus has told us not to worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. We need to learn this lesson from birds of the air and lilies of the field. There is yet one more thing that I am invited to do: go through the things that are piled up and clear all that are not required for me. I do understand that many of the things which I may not need, may be needed gravely for someone else. Much of their efficiency might have been lost because they do not have these things, and if alone I can hand these to them, there might be better atmosphere for fraternal sharing; and it is possible someone else might give me something which I am in urgent need of. And that is when we can feel the need of being part of a wider human family.

Animated by Love

Some of our men have such an enormous amount of energy that I can hardly compete with them. I wonder from where they get so much energy to go on working almost like a machine. During the last few days of organizing a fitting farewell for one of our companions, I realized that many of us had put our shoulders together to make this a memorable day, and I do feel that our friend would be smiling even as I anticipate his reaction to our humble efforts. We have our differences, but when it comes to organizing an event such as this, our men do it wonderfully well. We can get over our differences, and think alike in getting the best of what we have and what we are. That is what I am thankful to God today, for our men who could give their best when needed.

Now coming to the secret of their energy, this is not something so very new and spectacular. I realize when we have love for a person or a group of people, we would go all extent to give our best for them, and that I realize is the secret of their immense energy. The love we had for this of our sick Brother, whose both the kidneys failed and was on dialysis twice a week, was something remarkable. Since I stayed in a house a little far from where this friend stayed, I could not spare much time for him, but those who were members of this community, had gone out of their way to be available to meet his needs, especially accompanying him to the hospital for dialysis and bringing him back… it was not an easy task, and they did this with great love.

Yesterday I had gone to the college to check certain things for today’s funeral, and I realized that three of our men who were involved with the preparations were not there, and I could guess that they might have gone out. And a little later I came to know from the notice board that they had gone to the market. When I had finished my other works and was about to leave, I saw these three men climbing up the stairs with lots of flowers. One of them said smiling “3 Idiots”, and I know he made a reference to the recent film of the same title, which supposedly showcased the achievements of three idiots. What a combination, I wondered for a while, and yet, when it came to preparations for the day, there was good understanding, and I had not seen them fighting over any silly things.

In fact, as we bade farewell to our friend, what I heard from several people who expressed their sentiments for him was so very heart-renting that I felt they had all experienced it. Our friend was known for having a special love for people who approached him for either a service, or favor or work done by him. He did it with great love, and during the lunch today one of the priests of the diocese said that the departed friend was going out of his way to make the Sisters happy and at home; he would take them by the vehicle and drop them at a place from where they could get express buses, and many people appreciated this gentle and lovely gesture of the man. He was not after money, or after name and fame; he was a simple man, who valued people for what they were, and he did not hesitate to make special provisions to accommodate them that they felt handled with great love and care.

If the man had so much of energy to be involved with so many works, and be on his toes to get different things going during his tenure as in-charge of the estate, it was just because he was in love with the place and the people, and that is what made many of the people to shed tears today, as his body was lowered to the tomb. One of the girls, aged some 12, was crying profusely, because she had seen him around as she grew from the age of 3 or 4, and she had known the man he was, and it might have been difficult for her to bid goodbye to him. If we are not able to give our full selves for the work assigned to us, or that we often get into problems completing the works or find it hard to work with co-workers, the first question that we need to ask ourselves is this : am I in love with the place and the people associated with this work, or am I doing it just as a job assigned to me. The aspect of doing anything for the love of the persons associated with, can make a lot of difference.

Letter from Beyond

Dear friend, you might not have expected me to write to you, just three days after my departure from the world, and even before my mortal body is laid to rest! I know my relatives and friends who have heard about my sudden departure could not believe that I had left unannounced. And tomorrow I would be watching with much pleasure and merriment what are you people talk about me; I know much of the words addressed to me or about me would be saturated with honey that it might not be worth eating. But I just want to assure you that I have no more anger on you, or any of our companions; after some years, I am peaceful, and can rest without disturbance. I have no breathing problem, and can drink water as much as I want, without calculating how much I drink. I am in a world so very different, and am happy I have come here.

It is true I loved to live a little longer; all those who would hear that I was just 57 would think that I had a premature death, and could have accomplished quite a lot, were I to live some twenty more years, to say the least. I had a lot of dreams, and only a small portion of them have been fulfilled, and I only wished to bring to fruition some more of them, but when the angels of death stood at my doorstep, how could I say no to them. They told me that my time had come, and I could not give them any excuse. I began to grumble to the Creator that it was unfair to take me at this early age, and that I wanted to spend some more years here on earth. He smiled at me and said that he could not see me suffer, and so decided to take the bitter pill of taking me from the world to his bosom.

Here in this world, I lack nothing, neither the things that were forbidden me there on earth, or the things which I could only imagine, and there is the love of the angels, saints, and some of them have been known to me, and some others had known me for some time. What a pleasant surprise for me to meet the people I least expected to be there, and some other people whom I thought of meeting here, but they were not present. I had decided not to venture into any other place as of now, and slowly may venture into other locations where human beings are placed… I don’t know where the hell is, and where the purgatory is; and what is strange, I don’t know where I am; there is nothing which can make me feel where I am at present.

There are many who are shedding bitter tears for me, and tomorrow many would shed tears for me, and I am not such a noble and saintly person to repeat the words of the Master, Weep not for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. You would remember that the Master addressed the women of Jerusalem and told them this piece of advice; but would that matter to you? My race is run, and now I am waiting for the reward. If many of you have to cover the 800 meters race, I have been given just the 100 meters race to complete. It was so nice of the warden to make people run the race according to their capacities and talents. I am happy that I did what I could, given my own limitation and weaknesses. But now I am in a world of absolute contentment; I am just as I am, and realize the beauty of my creation before God.

What could you do for me? Some think that I need their prayers, their abstinence, sacrifices, so that I can be promoted from purgatory to the heavenly peace. I am also aware that I have to wait for all my sins to be washed away before I can enjoy eternal peace. But I remember that I had spent part of my last couple of years in anticipation of my purgatory, and I had even told the Master that I was completing my purgatory and purificatory days, and so if ever there is going to be any punishment for my past sins, it is not going to be too harsh. Now, you may ask me, what I can do for you! Believe me I am in a place from where I can just read your minds, and know things which are not even thought of by you. But fear not, I am not going to supervise or moderate you; it is your life that you should concentrate on; and there may come a time when you could recall to mind my life in the world, and be thankful to God for creating and letting me taste life on earth. I am twice blessed for entering into the world… I know being human is very much being divine! I will continue to write to you when time permits. Your friend.

Will to Live

The end came too suddenly, and no one was prepared for it. When I received a telephone call from the college, least did I think that the caller would shock me with just a four word sentence : He is no more! For a moment I could not say anything, I could not get anything, as to what to say. I had a personal chat with him just three days earlier, and now I am told he is no more! What could have happened, I wondered, even as I took a few moments to gather myself to handle the situation? I had to go to the college to see the man, who was alive just a few minutes ago, but now lies dead on the bed, and have to wait for our house physician to certify that he is dead. Even as I rushed to the college, my heart and mind said that something had gone wrong somewhere, and we have lost him.

Fifty seven is not the age to say goodbye to this beautiful world, and what is worse this man did not want to leave this world so soon, and he had a great desire to resume normal life again, but we had not given him a chance. There was a blame-game even as he lay dead, just an hour after his departure, that he should have been careful when his liver functioning was becoming strenuous, that he could not blame anyone for the situation he was in. I made a few frantic attempts to tell the senior man that it was not the time to blame the man who now cannot get up to defend himself. I would not say that this young man could fully justify himself for the way he handled his health some years ago, which led to the destruction of both his kidneys, but his past was something that could not be undone… Unfortunately in life very seldom do we have the option of UNDO, as in any Windows based programs.

The tears that I had witnessed welling up from his eyes just three days ago were haunting me to say that our negligence was also responsible for this sudden departure of this man. I feel sad for him because he might not have guessed that he was going to leave the world so soon. There was no sign that he was getting mentally prepared for the end, which was beckoning him. Even as he interacted and complained to all those who mattered about how his situation could be salvaged, one thing was certain, he was slowly giving up the will to live. This was quite obvious from his conversation with me. He had zest for life, and he would do anything to retain life, even if that means walking out of the way of life he had voluntarily chosen some thirty five years ago.

When he told me three days earlier as I went for a meeting with two other friends of mine, that he wanted to have a chat with me, I had told him that I would meet him after our meeting. And when I returned from our meeting, he led me to his room, and opened up his bruised heart to me. The barometer of his will to live was already sinking to the dangerous level, and I could only guess that he holds himself strongly and boost this energy. As I walked out of his room that day, I only told him not to lose hope, and was not sure though if I sounded convincing enough. If his will to live had sunk so low, I feel that we were responsible for it, and there is hardly anyway how we could undo it. We have lost one of ours, who did not deserve to leave so soon.

Even as he struggled with the impending death, and the inevitable, there were some who were trying to support him, giving him the much needed boost to stay alive. Reality did not match with the sweet words of the people who were responsible for taking his case forward, and that was painful for him. At his sudden demise, these people were heart-broken, and did all they could in order to give him a beautiful farewell. People were generous to give their time and energy to take him gently to rest with the embalmers, and prepare the place for a memorable funeral service. I only wish he does not smile and whisper in my ears, I only wished you people paid this much attention when I was struggling with life during the last few months! Fare thee well, my Brother!

Ode to Stephen Court

There is still life in the burnt out three floors of Stephen Court, which underwent a test by blazing fire that went on for over 12 hours. There were hundreds of men and women standing a few yards from the building were as helpless as many of the government officials, who seemed to have been maimed by the raging flames. Even as several men and women were charred to death inside the building, the modern generation watching the fire pulled out their cellular phones to catch the moment. There were no room for the bravehearts to venture into the building to salvage the few people who were caught inside. I was one such mute witness to the loss of over 50 persons in the fire.

The remnants of the fire are still to be cleared from the burnt floors, and every day as I pass by the building during my evening walk, I can recollect the fateful day. Whatever be the social status, religion or cultural group of the residents of this old building, one thing was sure: human greed knows no bounds. If only the administrators had paid a little more attention to proper and timely maintenance of the facilities, so many persons would not have been charred to death. The building still stands as a mute witness to human wickedness and greed; is this the way how nature tries to teach the human beings a lesson for life?

I was also able to witness the number of people of the city pouring in to the building and its neighborhood to console and comfort the survivors of the fire. There were many groups who organized prayer meetings and candlelight procession in honor of the people who had lost their lives and their dear ones. There were many posters posted on the entrance to the fateful building, many of which portrayed the sentiments of a cross section of city-zens! We are sorry, we could not save you! I felt this was the pathetic helpless cry of the hundreds of men and women who watched the whole floor burning but could not do anything! There was no lack for empathy for the victims and survivors from the part of the people of the city.

Though the building stood just a few meters from our residence, I never dared to venture into the building, and needless to say, I had no business in that building. But now I feel a close affinity with the building, and I look at it with a lot of sympathy and empathy! Much have been lost, and yet there is life, and life has to go on! For many families, life had come to a standstill, and the stories that I had read in the dailies about the people who were searching for their dear ones day after day, hoping one day they might get them back, they were heart-renting. This was indeed a test for not only for the corporation, but also the human heart! How do we respond to this kind of calamity?

Everyone knows for sure that this is not the end of the era when several persons lost their lives in fire; this will be repeated after a few months, and many more will continue to be charred to death! Stephen Court will get back its lifeline and resume life anew, and the lessons learnt may also be forgotten too soon. I wish Stephen Court had known our language, the human language, so that it could pour out its own pain and agony, of carrying and nurturing so many hundreds of men and women day after day. I wish to pitch my ears to the walls of Stephen Court to listen to the unheard stories of this building, the cry and pathos of its walls, for if only we begin to listen to what our buildings say, what our lifestyle say, we cannot afford to neglect the essentials of life.

Sting of Death

It is painful to see someone very dear to us depart us and this beautiful world; the pain is several times more, when the person who is dying is very close to us, either through family relationship or through psychological relationship. It is the same whether one is related to the dying person physically or psychologically, and it might be hard to believe that the person we have been relating to so deeply and intimately is suddenly no more. That is the kind of feeling one goes through when death knocks at our door suddenly, unannounced.We find it hard to accept that fate had been so cruel with regard to our dear one.

It is hard to say no when death knocks at our door; we may believe in miraculous cures, and we may trust that hope against hope cannot go in vain, but ultimately when the last hour comes, we cannot run away from it. Death may have the last laughter, as it were, and we may be left to be silent spectators, watching the departure of our dear one, sinking into the everlasting silence, where all our cries may find no place. This pain and agony, and in some cases psychological trauma, is real and actual.

I found it hard to accept this reality when this happened to my family, when my only sister was left alone with her daughter at the sudden and unannounced departure of her husband! She was not ever fortunate to see him alive some time earlier. He died in a foreign land, some nine months after he had bidden goodbye... Who would have thought that he was going to bid goodbye to them forever! It is true the agony I had gone through was far less in comparison to that of my sister and niece. The pain may lurk at the depth of their hearts for sometime.

Sometimes I wonder why we feel so lost when a dear person dies; it is true that we feel helpless when we have to take charge of things at the sudden departure of the person who was managing our families. We may have to start learning our lessons from the very beginning, and it may not be altogether easy. In a web of relationships, even when a thin line is severed, it is sure to affect the strength of the web, and that is what happens at the death of a dear one. But at the same time, we cannot exercise our power or authority over death.

That every human person is ultimately powerless before death is something consoling to the so-called powerless in the world. Even the greatest of kings and persons will ultimately be laid to rest on earth is the truth that all of us have to understand and accept. That we are all powerless and helpless is another truth, which can help us to accept this reality with resignation! This is not the kind of passive resignation, but the one where we bid farewell to our dear one with a smile, thanking them for what they had been to us and to the human family! It is then that they become part of the human and universal heritage... part of every human person on earth!

Date with Fate

One of the very senior sisters asked for my prayers for her younger brother who is fighting a fierce battle with cancer; the doctors have given him three months, and then he would be no more. There is no medicine which can really give him relief, and so he is counting his days. Just imagine a man counting the 90 days the doctors have given him. Given that he had remained single whole of his life, now entering into 75th year, what would be the kind of feelings he might be going through. I feel frightened to imagine such a situation; what can you do with the 90 days left on earth, and what is it that you would carry with you when the clock strikes at your last breath parts?

I was told that this gentleman told his 12 years senior sister that he was not afraid of facing death; he would be happy to be united with Jesus, his Lord! I shudder even as I imagine the man uttering these words rather joyously and courageously. Sometimes we have no other explanation in life than to resort to spiritualization of the fate we are pushed to. If we are pawns in the hands of gods, what is it that we can really do, than to resign to what they would wish for us? The situation might be quite different if he had had a family to care for; he would not have been left alone in the hospital ward, with friends occasionally dropping by, but this is a different kind of end than the one we are used to.

Science and technology have improved to such an extent that physicians are able to diagnose most of the ailments, though they may have to get a dozen blood tests to be done, and provide appropriate remedy, so that the doors to death are kept locked for many more years to come. But still there are certain doors which humanity is unable to keep locked for too long; they do not have much control over death, coming through the back door. Cancer and heart attacks are the two modern agents of death, and if cancer kills a person slowly and steadily, heart attack kills the person soon, if not diagnosed immediately. We lost our brother-in-law on the spot; we could never think the end would come so soon.

Sometimes I do this exercise : imagine that when I get up the next morning, I am no more; in such a situation, how should I handle myself. Sometimes while doing this exercise, I automatically arrange my table neatly, keep my room a little neat and tidy, and put a little order in the room, so that if I die, I do not leave a mess behind. But I need to do this exercise more often in order to complete the unfinished works soon, constantly make effort to put an order in my room, especially in keeping the things in their respective places, completing the unfinished tasks, so that the person who may look for things may not curse me then!

But deep within I feel so terrible for this man! How can life be so cruel to him? 90 days may pass by so fast, and one fine morning the physicians may tell him his final hour has come. I secretly hope that the word of the doctors does not come true; if only this man has got desire to live and not die, then probably no ailments and cancer can really take away his life. I have seen a few religious Sisters fighting with cancer joyously, even after the doctors had given them the number of years and months they may live; but they have disproved medical science, because their zest for life is so strong that death cannot approach them. The beauty of these people is that they have managed to defeat death, and that is the reason why these people are so very joyous and enthusiastic.

In the world of the Dead

Every time I go to visit the departed friends at the cemetery, myriad thoughts cloud my mind; I know most of the persons resting in peace here at Dhyan Ashram, some of them had been my teachers, some 'father-figures', some guides; some of their words still ring in my ears. I remember great Leeming; whenever I would ask him how he was, he would tell me that he felt better when he saw me! He was obviously naughty at that age. There is Timmermans, who had a soft-heart for me, during the first year in Calcutta! (In 1984, only in Bangla, it was called Kolkata), much to the embarrassment of many of my companions. And Ernst, who liked telling me stories of missionary activities! And printer, builder Rosnar, who had told me so many times the same old stories of his hunting!

Some I know, get frightened when they visit the graveyard, as if by visiting they invite death to themselves! Far from it, it is a reality that everyone has to be prepared for! But for me it is always a pleasant experience to stand for a while before many of the familiar men, and even whisper something dear to me. It is an invitation for me to enter into their lives, a life that age could not stop. Many of these men, who have offered their lives for God and people, have become immortal in the hearts of the hundreds of men and women whose lives they had touched. They are truly immortal.

I can see the earth, which is so very kind and generous to accept them back to her bosom; she would not like anyone, bird or beast to destroy their bodies, which she had gifted to the world, until they become part of herself! The mute witness to all that these men had done on earth, is again mute when it comes to vindicating some of them for the wrongs they might have committed. The world may take several years to really forgive, but for Mother Earth, she might ask us, forgive what! After all, she is the mother, who will never refuse home to her child!

I wish I have the luxury of time to sit in the cemetery and spend a whole day, speaking to all the persons whom I had known during their lifetime. I dont know if they would be delighted to do that with me, but I will surely be delighted to remind them of my sweet time in their company. And to have someone from the other side of the world is, always a matter of great blessing, because for one thing, I know their invisible presence will protect me from all danger and harm!

Today as I stood before them, there was one little prayer, though that happens to be sign of my selfishness. I want to imitate some of their noble qualities, which surely I lack to a great extent. Many of the men lying here were great stalwarts, and had done some thing marvellous for God and Bengal. When I turn to myself in their presence, I find myself quite small, but while beholding the tradition of which they were part of, I know all their collective strength and integrity will be my food for the way.

I know some of these men were saintly people. I would like to look up to Cukale, who had a peculiar way of pronouncing my name, and had a paternalistic approach to me; this great pastor was a saint, who loved to pain and write poems. When he used to pain the walls of this very same cemetery in 1997, I used to spend sometime with him there, appreciating his art work, which was not a great thing, but he liked doing it! Today I would like to place myself in his presence, looking at him and appreciating the simple works of art he created. I know this way, I will inherit at lease a certain amount of his saintliness.

In Support of Wars

You might be surprised to see the title saying that I stand in support of war, and you may wonder what had prompted me to say that. It is true no sensible human person can ever advocate war. I am reminded of the 84 year old Benjamin from Xavier University in Cincinnati, who holds an anti-war theory, inviting the people around to fight against the war system. Paradoxically here is a man who is warring against war system, and I cannot help but take my hats off for this man, who is fired with so much zeal that he talks about it at every time he gets an opportunity. But what sort of wars do I recommend: is it the kind between the nations we hear on newspapers each day morning? Of course not. I am in support of war against all that dehumanizes human persons, robs them of their basic human dignity!

I wish nations will take into account their needs and how their needs deprive someone outside. There is no limit to the greed of people in the Western nations, and they would go all the way to fill their stomachs, even when they know that there are millions of hungry stomachs, crouching in their beds night after night. I wish the developing nations will war against the multi-national companies, who enter sheepishly into the poorer nations, to rob their wealth by introducing consumables not needed for them, thus creating an artificial need in them, through their surreptitious ad campaigns. There are very few wealthy nations who have avowed to eradicate poverty in the other half of the globe.!

It is time that the world rises to understand the importance of war, but not with weapons, artillery, guns and rockets. Here is a call for a bloodless war, where the aim is not to destroy but to build (yes, to destroy human greed and avarice, self-centredness and jealousy). Here is a call to put together what centuries of neglect, hatred and vengeance has caused to humanity beyond shores. Time is running short, and it is time that we put together all our strength to wage war against nations and state which believe in survival of the fittest and the fastest. Every one of us has the responsibility in rebuilding the world through war against the enemies of human family.!

Often I am shocked to see the evil, whose tentacles spread far and wide each day, drawing to its vicious circles all those who are weak and wish for soft solutions for hard problems. Corruption at different levels of governance and social living has made honest men and women aliens in this world, and have even branded them as misfits in this beautiful world. Is the world not losing fast the breed of honest and sincere men and women? Is there anyone to war against this kind of epidemic spreading to all corners of the world? This is one lesson I have to learn today : if I am not part of the solution, then I am surely part of the problem. If I don't raise my voice against injustice today, I am part of the perpetrators of injustice in this world.!

I am fully conscious of my own limitations and capacities; what I can and what I cannot, even if I desire so much. But there are things which do not require much from me, but my mind and heart. If only we war against our minds and hearts which are becoming narrower each year, then there is a hope that some day we may find peace returning to the earth. Today I would like to pause for a while, and go through the day slowly and reflectively, and pick up one or two moments, where I needed to war against. It is possible that I was quiet when I should have raised my voice, or I raised my voice, when I should have been quiet. It is often within my power and control to reverse many of the evils that plague our society. If only I want. Is it not necessary that we continue to war till the world is transformed into a garden of Eden, and regain her pristine glory she enjoyed millennia ago.