Nursing Parents’ Wounds

It is quite disheartening to even imagine that parents after about twenty years of blissful marital life could think of separation; whatever be the cause of family discord, it is hard to think of a situation where the couple feel quite incompatible, even after the two girl children, both of them quite grown up. At a time when the elder daughter is old enough to become a mother herself, it is next to impossible for her to think that her parents were contemplating seriously about separation, and she herself would do anything to stop that happening, but then she feels that she is helpless, at least in this situation.

Which child would think of his or her parents being separated; the modern world has seen many such cases, where the children are asked by the court to choose with which parent he/she would like to live, but as everyone is aware it is not possible to make a decision, that a child would live with the father or the mother. A child’s heart is too tender and soft to be torn apart by two parties. Granted that the two girls are grown up, that is not the reason for the parents to think of separation, and it is doubtful if the couple had exhausted all the possibilities of keeping the light of their marital bliss alive and blazing.

Parents are expected to nurse the wounds of their growing children, to stand by their side when the storms of life shake them from the root, but here is a situation where the children are called in to nurse the wounds of the parents, and the children just beginning to see the true color of the world are forced to witness yet another harsh reality of life, and they could hardly accept which looms before them. But would the parents who had been having stormy sessions on regular intervals down the years, think of giving another chance to the spouse to amend and get the family ties going? If the personal peace and happiness is what matters most to the couple, then it would have been better if they had not married at all!

For the elder daughter, who had offered her life to the Lord, it is more than her share of suffering the Lord had given to her, and every time she remembered the situation back at home, her eyes are filled with tears, but is it possible to leave behind the family, parents and the relationships and concentrate on her own personal call! As an individual who had grown nourishing the love and care of the parents, she feels she cannot afford to let this thing happen to her parents, but she is also aware of the crude reality, which reminds her, what if they do not care to listen to her plea! She would not have any one to appeal to!

It is not that my parents have peaceful life after about 45 years of their marriage; they have their own share of misunderstanding, quarrels, but I know one thing for sure, they could never think of separation, and even if they fight, we know for sure they would be back to talking terms after a couple of days. But times are changing, and if married persons were to think only of their personal freedom, happiness and peace of mind, then the family is bound to go to pieces and it would be impossible for anyone to save the situation. It is only God who can intervene to stop the couple breaking away, because their breaking is sure to affect the lives of the children too, and that is the reason why the daughters have begun to storm the heaven with their prayers.

Preaching through Life

It is one thing to know and another thing to really feel it in our bones. Facts do not touch us, except when they come to give us the much needed jolt or shock. It is like everyone knows that smoking is injurious to health, but one does not care for the statutory warning by the government until the physician tells the person after a mild attack that if he does not give up smoking, he would have just a few more months to live. The person had known the facts, but it was only the shock that would refrain him from resorting to the next cigarette. So many things in life are based on this simple notion that we are not touched by facts, but wait for a jolt which would wake us out of the slumber.

It is so easy to talk about something, but when it comes to cross checking what we talk with what we do, it might make us ashamed. Today as I walked back home after the Mass at the Cloistered Carmel Convent, the regular couple I see often during the Mass were returning home. I slowed down my walk to say hello to them, and after the greetings, the lady asked me if the new practices of liturgical rubrics are in vogue or not, and I told her quite confidently that they were. Then she asked me, Why are the people not following them still, and I was trying to evade her question saying that the people have not been adequately informed about the changes.

In my enthusiasm, I told her that it is the duty of the pastors to educate the people and invite them to follow the new rubrics. She was sharp enough to ask me immediately, in that case, why didn’t you tell the people today, and I did not know what to say. I did not realize that she would put that embarrassing question to me. Then she pleaded, please inform them during the Mass! It came as an eye-opener for me to realize that quite often I do not realize what I preach to others, and needless to say, I do not care to practice much of what I preach, and it is a sad thing, and I hope to do something about this at least in the days to come.

There is a little hole in my authenticity, that is to say there is an incongruity between what I preach to others and what I practice in my person life. It is true that when I preach, I do it as a servant of God, while when I practice, I do it as an individual. There is a difference in the two roles I constantly play, however it is the same person. I am sure there would be more people who would be moved to practice not what I preach, but what I practice in my own life. The greatest scripture I can preach to others is my personal life, how God is acting in me and through me, and how I find him in others, in nature and in the universe. I can preach so well with my life, and not necessarily by my words.

Maybe it is time that I reduce my preaching in words and begin to preach through my life; I know it is not that easy to do, because I need to learn some of the basics all over again. I need to look at what I had been advocating to others, so that I myself my inculcate some of the values. For instance, I have been quite good in giving advice to those in trouble and difficulty, while I have not realized that I myself had been in such a situation many a times, and had not felt the need to seek help and assistance. I need to get down from the pulpit and stand in the midst of people who are struggling to make meaning out of my words, and I shall find some meaning in them for myself, so that they may inspire others too!

Liberative Leanings

‘No one can live as an island’ has become almost like a cliché, but what this meant remains a lesson for all generations; everyone on earth is in need of others to make the best out of life. It would be quite frightening to think of a world without anyone else around, no other human person to relate to, no plants and animals to eat. Even the worst of anthropophobic cannot wish to live all by him/herself, because life will be devoid of all color and dynamism if there is no one around to relate to. If ever there is any person who is averse to relating to others, and wishing to be by himself/herself, then such a person is fit only for solitary confinement in a dark cell.

There is a need for each of the human person to lean on another; of course here I am referring to sociological and psychological leaning. Every other person in the society I live in can rightly complement what I lack, and add brighter colors to life. This happens in a wonderful way in families; by nature husband and wife complement each other, and if there is fear of separation among couples, then one can be sure that this complementarity is threatened. Life gives a two-way enrichment : to lean on another person for the fulfillment of one’s social, cultural, religious and psychological needs; to bear another and provide the much needed nourishment in all the areas I myself receive.

Refusing to lean on another, and refusing to bear another can become social evils which can make our life quite miserable. Pride can stop me from leaning on another person, especially if the other person is in anyway constrained or limited, and I may overlook the need to “depend” on the other. On the other side of the spectrum maybe a person who does not wish to make space for another to take shelter under his/her wings! Why should I? It is none of my business to provide space for the other – maybe the comments that we may hear from this kind of person! In either case ultimately it is this person who is going to suffer, and not the other!

What a blessing people can turn out to one another, if there is the freedom to lean on the other, and the generosity to bear the other! At the heart of this mutual enrichment is the psycho-spiritual disposition which calls for humility, to recognize the need for me to lean on another, that I am not complete by myself, but require another or other persons to make me full. So long this disposition is not achieved, life would continue to become a hell, where others may be looked on as threats, or trespassers, or people who are there to curtail my freedom. Such people are sure to suffer from insomnia and perpetual stomach ache and head ache.

Every day when I wake up from bed, I need to pause for a minute to recall to mind the different persons who complete my web of relationships. I cannot make a web with a single strand, but every person who extend an arm of cooperation is sure to make this web possible. Let me bring to my mind every person on whom I could freely and cozily lean on, hoping that they would shield me with their strong arms; let me also remember all the persons whom I bear in my heart with the warmth that I have received from others; as I remember and recall these faces and names, let the vibrations of peace and joy spread all around. Let me see all the arms locked with fraternal chains, and what better world can we ever think of then?

Unique Gift of Life

Maybe I will never be able to realize what D&R have gone through in life, and if only I know how each of their days pass by, I might be more empathetic towards them. Now what is this D&R? Dinesh and Reshma or Dravid and Rani, or David and Reena! Maybe these are some of the commonplace names, but behind these names are individuals who are "made for each other", but are left to grope in darkness with no child they can call their own. The number of childless couples is growing, and medical science is helpless to make them not only rear, but also bear a child! Pro-creation has always been one of the primary goals of Christian marriage, as we hear it from our catechism classes!

When the couple finds out that one of them is incapable of cooperating in the bearing of a child a few years after their marriage, all troubles start. The husband may blame the wife and the wife the husband; and the couple may blame the parents, and every other person they can think of! Unfortunately their problem of bearing a child does not end there. They try to undergo any kind of medical treatment, even the witches and the ojhas, with the hope that one day they would be the proud parents of a child. What happens when all of these costly attempts fail is what I dare not imagine.

I have seen so many couples who belong to this category; how nice it would be if the angel Gabriel visits all the houses of these couples and announce the birth of a child through unusual means, through divine intervention. Even angel Gabriel does not seem to like visiting our planet. But when their attempts fail, the bond of union that had kept them together all these days, begin to be brittle; men may indulge (if they are still young enough) in extra-marital affairs, alcoholism, smoking, bad company, and anything which can make them forget the harsh fact that he has no child of his own!

If men are able to give vent to their feelings and frustrations externally, women may do just the opposite. They may keep everything within their hearts, and may one day explode. Often such feelings may find expression in obesity, all sorts of diseases, gossipping, backbiting, suspicion and finding fault with the husband, jealous of their friends having cute little babes. The unhappiness of men and women often find some concrete expression, and it may be dangerous if these people are not able to find some sort of outlet for their emotions. Ideally the husband and wife should be able to find an outlet in their spouses, but when it fails, they should find adequate means.

We live in a world, where moneyed men and women are discovering newer formulae to manage life; some years ago, I have come across people who felt having a child was a nuisance, and so would love to be by themselves. The care of a third person, for whom they may have to give up all their comforts and pleasures, might appear too much for these kind of couples, and many of them decide not to have any children, even if they are physically fit to bear and rear a child. The gift of a child is a great gift; nothing on earth can equal this gift; but if someone is deliberately refusing to have this gift, then we can only assume that these persons do not know the value and worth of the gifts. Maybe they would realize what it means to have a child, when they feel old age fast catching up with them!