Art of Saying No Gracefully

I know many of us suffer from this weakness: unable to say no someone dear to us! We are pushed to resorting to pleasing others, at the extent of displeasing ourselves, all because we do not have the guts to call cards. One thing which is at the back of our mind, when we force ourselves to oblige is the fear of losing the goodwill that we enjoy with these people. At the other side of the spectrum is the consciousness of our own reputation: what will s/he think if I do not oblige? Ultimately we end up pleasing others, while deep within displeasing ourselves, which may in the long run become a compulsive syndrome difficult to placate.

We need to master the difficult art of saying no gracefully! Here the words art and gracefully are significant. Since it is an art, it needs to be cultivated; we are not born with the rudiments of this art, but we need to learn through the hard way. Saying ‘no’ rudely or indifferently will have its severe consequences, and therefore we should employ the best of our smile, choicest gentle and polite words, and harken the best tonal quality to convey this stern no! It is on how we say this no, which will determine if it will have dire consequences, or happy conclusions to one of the problems which had been pricking our conscience for long.

When it comes to inter personal relationships, we are all too frightened about others; we do not wish to challenge others, because we feel that if we do, others may forsake us, and we will be left without friends. Therefore we would go all the way to compromise! And if our friends can make out that we have begun to compromise, they are sure to make use of it for their own advantage, and we may be left to drown ourselves in misery and fear. But the fact is not all the people who receive a gentle ‘no’ will feel offended; they may even feel happy that we had the courage to say no so gracefully. In this case, instead of the relationship remaining status quo, it may grow into a healthy relationship.

But we cannot over rule the consequences, if for some reason or other our gracefulness does not make the magic! A person or two may be offended and may even burst out in public, and this is part of the deal, in being authentic to ourselves. Which one would we prefer: trying to please others even while going against our wish, or to please ourselves without displeasing others. The dire consequences, if there be any, may not last long, and people may come back to us, when they realize that we were not in a position to entertain their request at the time they required. But that may take some time, and we may have to practice patience till then.

There are very few people who have really mastered this difficult art, and I have come across people who would refuse a favour so sweetly that I would not mind that at all, and again when I need something to be done by them, I would not hesitate to approach them. We all need to practice this art, because it would come to our aid at any time, especially when we are to work under a senior person, who would demand things which we may not be in a position to fulfil. We will be able to find and retain more friends by mastering this art, if only we know how to do it. There is no short cut to learning this art; we may have to start practising smiling sweetly; maybe a mirror may help us to accomplish. The second thing that can help is a set of sweet words. That will do to start mastering this art of saying no gracefully.

The Art of Flying Kites

Makar Sankranti (which generally falls on either 14 or 15 of January according to Lunar calendar) is considered an auspicious moment for the religious Hindus; on the one side we have the Ganga Sagar mela in West Bengal, and on the other the Kumbh mela in Haryana, where devotees dip themselves into the cleansing (?) waters of the Ganges, and get themselves purified. For good many Santal tribals, the occasion is celebrated as Sakrat, the festival of 'eating and drinking', marking the end of the harvest season. For reasons unknown, Sankranti is also a season of flying kites, and across the country one comes across special kites competitions organized during these days.

Flying kites is not as simple as it looks; it is an art, just like singing, music, and dance are; or just as not every one can write great poems, or sing in accurate pitch, so also not every one can fly a kite. Some years ago, I didn't believe that flying kites can be a challenge; when I found a few kites perched on the terrace of our building, I tried to fly it, and what a disastrous attempt it was. The kite refused to soar; I tried to imitate little children so wonderfully maneuvering in order to keep the kites soaring higher and higher, but all in vain. It was a great moment of enlightenment for me: one, not all can fly kites, and two, it is easier for smaller children to learn flying kites than for adults!

But what does the art of flying kites refer to, and what is it all about? Put simply, it is all about the art of maneuvering; it is very similar to the maneuvers that a fighter pilot would make, in order to escape the target of the enemies. Sadly a killer instinct is also made to thrive while flying kites; it is no longer a game to let the kite kiss the blue sky, and wander freely amidst the clouds, but it is also targeted to knock down other kites, and the thread is given a coating with glass paste, which is capable of severing other vulnerable thread. But this is human ingenuity going beyond reason and good sense.

To maneuver a kite in the midst of strong winds is not an easy task; just as a boat which is supported by a mast is left to the whims and fancies of the winds and the tides, so also is the kite is left to the winds; but it is only a master kite-flyer who can turn the kite to face the winds and bring it back home. But there is yet another easy option left to him/her, to let the kite follow the winds, but then one s/he has to make sure there is enough stock of the thread, if one still wants to have an hold on the kite. There is the third option, to let the kite go free by leaving the thread, and just enjoy gazing at the kite freely and gently glide through the winds and going beyond the sight. There is a pleasure in watching your dreams, fantasies take wings of poesy!

It is only the small children who would have the inner freedom and generosity to let the kites go free in the sky, and not make a hue and cry if the thread is snapped and the kite takes freedom to go where it wills. The freedom to let things go free from our hands demands we have the generosity to let things go out of our control, out of our hands. We cannot have the threads of the kite held tightly in our hands, and at the same time let it go free; we cannot keep the cake and eat it. But there is no greater joy and satisfaction than to let the kite glide through the winds in the blue sky, and gazing at it with the contentment that it is in the good hands of the sky and the winds! For like all arts, flying kites can bring us joy, and letting it go free can bring greater joy!

Art of Understanding

I really wonder how we human beings understand one another so well. I don’t know if there is any other creature on earth, who understand and communicate with one another as well as the humans. We depend largely on language to communicate, but language is not all. There are people who are able to communicate with others through non-verbal signs and gestures. The speech-impaired do communicate themselves, though their communication is very different from what most of the people would do.

But behind this seemingly simple process of understanding one another, there is a whole lot of things happening in and out of us. In order to understand a person, the receiver should be in a proper frame of mind, to receive the code which comes encoded in the form of a gesture or language, and it is the duty of the receiver to decode the message, and respond appropriately to show the receiver that the message has been properly received. Levi Strauss has extensively studied the way we communicate with one another… but that is all theory.

Why do we often experience a break in communication? Why do we face misunderstanding even with familiar people? In a communicative process, any disturbing factor is technically called a noise; this noise is not merely auditory, consisting of audio signals, but it has several layers, one important layer being the psychological. This simply means that in order to achieve a good level of communication, the speaker’s heart should be in sync (short for synchronization) with that of the receiver’s heart. When there is a mismatch, then the communication is bound to fail.

Thus it is within our power to direct the way communication takes place with me and within me; it is not too difficult to create artificial noise around me so that I do not hear the other person, and then can go to any extent to find excuses. No communication is hundred percent faultless. The perfect communication that can ever be possible is beyond the reach of human beings. Even an attempt to communicate to my own inner self is inadequate, and leaves a lot of gap, that I find it hard to reach a perfect equilibrium with one’s own self.

But how does God communicate to human beings, and what are the noises that we can identify? Even when God communicates himself/herself through the best medium possible, yet human mind may plant an artificial barrier between them and the message… No wonder, our communication with God, or the reverse, God’s communication with humanity is never a finished task, but a process that will go on till the end of time. Maybe at the end of time, we may sigh and say, Ah, now we understand what God was communicating to us!