Of Undue Demands

One of our senior fathers had asked me for a favor, to do the layout design for one of the books he had edited, and I had gladly accepted to do it for him; it took me quite some time to get the things organized for the book with bi-lingual texts and photos inserted at appropriate places. It was not easy working on the project, because the senior father, with all due respect to him, did not know the difference between a good and a bad photo; he had given me a thumbnail photo and asked me to make it as large as half of a normal book page, which would be an impossible task for any one, because the quality of the photo was good enough to print as a stamp size and not any larger. Making him understand the nuances of photographs and design was not easy, and he had his typical old-age syndrome of asking for all queer kind of design aspects, which I found quite unreasonable. A few days ago, I stayed awake till late in the night to get a print out of the book, and after three days, I get a long list of corrections to be made, and this time not minor corrections, but almost redoing the entire layout, which I found was asking for too much.

>p>I was wondering if this man was taking me for granted, that I had all the time required to do all that he wanted, without caring if I would be able to do them or not. At his age, he does not have any job, and yet he spends quite many hours in front of the computer, but given my responsibilities, I have so many things to look after, plan and execute. I would have spent already at least 40 to 50 hours, making all minute changes, changes in the layout and formatting, and what he asks of me at this juncture would take me at least another 10 hours, and therefore I had written to him if he could find someone else to do all the corrections he had asked for. I was a bit annoyed by his long list of corrections (many of which is sure to disturb the page numbering and spacing), as if he had not foreseen, and some others which were sure to disturb the uniformity of design.

Due to this exchange of emails, I was a bit disturbed during the day. I am aware sometimes people try to take me for granted, and I should make this note that anyone who loves and cares for me would not dare do that, because they would take me seriously, and there is no question of taking me for granted, or for a royal ride. Sometimes it happens these are the very people who may not even have the courtesy to say thanks when a big work is done for them, and the next time, I would hesitate to do anything for them. Just because they are foreigners (and I have my own understanding of being a foreigner, which I shall explore in a different blog), they have the special privileges and concessions given them from all corners. No doubt, they had done wonderful work in their younger days, but when they are old, they should have the courtesy and humility to resume a subdued life, and these are the people who would like to hold on to their forts despite their age and mental conditions.

During the past week, another friend of mine had approached me to design a card for the memorial of the death of his relatives. It had taken me some time to sit with him and do the designing, and he was so happy to get it done (one reason for his happiness being, I do not charge him at all for the designing and I managed to provide him with the kind of pictures and designs which he liked). I did not mind doing this for him, and after two days he called me up to ask if I could do another design for another of his friends, and I spent a couple of hours to do it for him too. I know this friend appreciates my work, and relies on me. I have the freedom to tell him what would be better and artistically elegant, and therefore I do not mind when he suggests me something in the design. I very much like to make use of my talents for others, and I do not much mind if they are grateful to me for the favors or not, but when they start demanding things which are asking for too much, then I find it hard to accept their demands.

I have realized that when a work is done out of love, the quality of the work would be far more superior to the work done out of some kind of compulsion or pressure. And it does not take too long for a work to turn from love to compulsion, if care is not taken. Ordering or demanding from persons who are only doing a favor could only lead to disappointment and qualitatively inferior work done. I felt it would not be good for me to continue the work for him under pressure, especially doing things which I feel (as a layout designer) would only disturb the design’s uniformity, which he may not understand or appreciate, but this is one thing I felt sure that if he wants to have things his way, then I should not allow myself to be controlled by him, and that is what I had communicated to him, and I am yet not sure if he would find another person to continue the work, or try to see my point of view about some of his unreasonable and unartistic demands.

Art of Saying No Gracefully

I know many of us suffer from this weakness: unable to say no someone dear to us! We are pushed to resorting to pleasing others, at the extent of displeasing ourselves, all because we do not have the guts to call cards. One thing which is at the back of our mind, when we force ourselves to oblige is the fear of losing the goodwill that we enjoy with these people. At the other side of the spectrum is the consciousness of our own reputation: what will s/he think if I do not oblige? Ultimately we end up pleasing others, while deep within displeasing ourselves, which may in the long run become a compulsive syndrome difficult to placate.

We need to master the difficult art of saying no gracefully! Here the words art and gracefully are significant. Since it is an art, it needs to be cultivated; we are not born with the rudiments of this art, but we need to learn through the hard way. Saying ‘no’ rudely or indifferently will have its severe consequences, and therefore we should employ the best of our smile, choicest gentle and polite words, and harken the best tonal quality to convey this stern no! It is on how we say this no, which will determine if it will have dire consequences, or happy conclusions to one of the problems which had been pricking our conscience for long.

When it comes to inter personal relationships, we are all too frightened about others; we do not wish to challenge others, because we feel that if we do, others may forsake us, and we will be left without friends. Therefore we would go all the way to compromise! And if our friends can make out that we have begun to compromise, they are sure to make use of it for their own advantage, and we may be left to drown ourselves in misery and fear. But the fact is not all the people who receive a gentle ‘no’ will feel offended; they may even feel happy that we had the courage to say no so gracefully. In this case, instead of the relationship remaining status quo, it may grow into a healthy relationship.

But we cannot over rule the consequences, if for some reason or other our gracefulness does not make the magic! A person or two may be offended and may even burst out in public, and this is part of the deal, in being authentic to ourselves. Which one would we prefer: trying to please others even while going against our wish, or to please ourselves without displeasing others. The dire consequences, if there be any, may not last long, and people may come back to us, when they realize that we were not in a position to entertain their request at the time they required. But that may take some time, and we may have to practice patience till then.

There are very few people who have really mastered this difficult art, and I have come across people who would refuse a favour so sweetly that I would not mind that at all, and again when I need something to be done by them, I would not hesitate to approach them. We all need to practice this art, because it would come to our aid at any time, especially when we are to work under a senior person, who would demand things which we may not be in a position to fulfil. We will be able to find and retain more friends by mastering this art, if only we know how to do it. There is no short cut to learning this art; we may have to start practising smiling sweetly; maybe a mirror may help us to accomplish. The second thing that can help is a set of sweet words. That will do to start mastering this art of saying no gracefully.

Price of Peer Pressure

Some days ago my sister called me to say that she had a bad news for me; she said that she had quit her job and was sitting idle at home. Hers was a temporary job, and she was paid a daily wage, as is the custom with many of the medium sized and small nursing homes, who do not want to get into commitment with their nurses, and this is the third nursing home that my sister was working at. Since there are so many young girls looking for a job, the homes take it as advantage, to reduce their wages as low as possible. So apparently there was a stir among the nurses of this particular nursing home, and they demanded from the administration a higher wage for their duties. When the administration refused to give heed to their appeal, all the nurses resigned en masse.

There was peer-pressure, and it is hard to fight against peer-pressure in such a situation, since all of them help each other during their respective duties and exchange duty hours according to their conveniences. But at the other end of the spectrum is the loss of job. My sister would not demand a higher wage, she is not that courageous, but one or two of the courageous nurses might have coerced the others too to resign, and my sister was helpless, and was forced to tender resignation. Her friends are not going to help her get a better job, with better working hours, and a better wage. That may be none of their business, but ultimately who suffers. Peer-pressure is such a thing, where one is placed like a cat on the wall, standing between devil and deep sea.

Given the situation at home, my sister was badly in need of a job to make both ends meet, and sitting idly at home is not something she would like. There was a tone of sadness even as she narrated to me that she was waiting for a call from some other nursing home where she had applied. It is not easy to sit in the house doing nothing very substantial. One may even feel bored and wasting away, and that was what was happening to my sister, and all that I could encourage was to call up the very nursing home where she had resigned the job and check if they cared to take her back. She was not keen on doing that, because in that case she might lose her credibility and face. However she said she was ready to accept the offer if they called her back.

Going with a group has its advantages, especially if there are persons in the group who really care for me, and would support me come what may; but it also has its gray areas. It is a very delicate issue and there are chances for one to be wrong whatever he/she does. But it would be wrong to go with the group all the times, because one or two members of the group may divert the interests of the group and make use of it for their own benefit. The ultimate question that one must ask is this : does my flowing with the group going to help me now or later? If the answer is in the negative, then probably I should reconsider my following the dictates of the group. My conscience may be the better judge some times, and I should listen to it as and when I feel that way.

It is hard to stand by one’s conviction and resist the pressures of a group, especially if the group pressure could force one to give up personal convictions. But this is not impossible; what one may require is great amount of guts and courage to stand by personal convictions. It might have been alright if my sister had stood against the pressure of the group to resign, and resumed her job as usual. She might have to bear the dire consequences, but that could win the appreciation of the administration for her, not so much because she stayed back to work for them, but also because she had the courage to stand against group pressure. Sometimes it is worthwhile to stand by one’s convictions and resist the temptation of flowing with the group.

Rude Rustics

Sometimes the human ego is capable of blotting beyond all shape and size for no reason, and it would often require a big jolt to bring the ego to get to normal. The ego often looks for a reason, however reasonable it may be, in order to blow its trumpet, even if it is just to tell the world that no one can compete with him or her in the slow walk race. But this is an art which is ingrained in human nature, and it does not take time or effort for us to really blow our trumpets, and then make people clap their hands in high appreciation and esteem for our music! It is annoying to come across relatively young people trying to do this to their seniors.

The young man had been out of the country on a special assignment to teach in a neighboring country for the last two years, and now he already blows an air of superiority, and does not even mind ordering men many years senior to him. This is a kind of liberty and freedom which he feels he deserves, after two years of royal service. It was on Saturday evening that I received an email from this young man, a very brief one, telling me that he requires one of his certificates to be scanned and sent to another person. It was too late for me to do it, since it was evening, so I sent him a quick reply saying that I would do it on Monday, the next working day. But a little later I get another one line email from him telling me that it had to be sent on Sunday.

It was quite annoying for me to get this kind of mail from a young man who is some 15 years younger to me, and I decided not to reply to him. I generally do not take up office work on a Sunday; it is a sacred day, dedicated only for me, and I very seldom would do something related to the office on this day. This is my sacred time, my private space, when I like to do what I love to do. I relax and do what I could not complete during the week. I had quite a few programs planned for the Sunday, and mentally I was not in a mood to comply with the request of the man. I did not want to respond to him and explode him on how he should make a request to a senior person. His words sounded like an order to me, and I felt quite concerned about the way he was demanding.

I felt I need to teach a simple lesson to this man, first, that he cannot keep urgent things for the eleventh hour, and second, even if there is an urgent work to be done, he should learn how to get it done by requesting and cajoling. On Sunday evening, again I get a one line mail, asking if I had sent the document to his friend, and I decided to ignore his mail. I scanned his document and sent it to him and to his friend on Monday morning… and just as I expected, there was not even an acknowledgment to my taking time to scan the document and sending it. I believe he thought it was my duty to do this for him, and at one time I was tempted to give him a piece of my mind, and I had even typed three lines… but something in me told me not to send it, and so I canceled the mail… he may learn a lesson at least later in life, I am sure.

It is difficult not to be affected by this kind of rude and cold behavior of persons; and it is sure to be more painful when we have to rub shoulders with such persons each day. I had the opportunity to live such persons at close quarters, and luckily the persons were on the move most of the days, and my days were saved. Today I would like to pause for a while and think of these persons; there is hardly anything that I can do to make them prevent relating to me and others this way, but I can react to them in a manner different from others. So instead of getting affected by such rude and cold behavior, I would like to take their behavior with a pinch of salt, and even ignore them if required. After all, I should not empower them to spoil my day.

Engineered Expectations

How I wish the world was behaving exactly I wish it to; and how delighted I would be if all the people around me do exactly what I would want them to! There is a hidden “I” in each one of us, who wishes to assert that s/he is the center of the universe, and that everything should go round her/him. When things do not go according to my calculations, then I feel my world crumble before my very eyes, and I am frightened of facing it. It is painful and agonizing to witness my expectations are thrown into pieces and I am nowhere in the picture. When I expect that the world goes round me, and I do not find the world is nowhere close to me, it is a frightening thing to even imagine, leave alone facing it taking place before my naked eyes.

But this is a predicament that everyone has to go through, and no one may be spared from facing the dreams, aspirations and expectations evaporating into thin air. The superior I in me would always assert that s/he is right, whatever be the case, and I can find the truth factor of this statement, if I observe how I argue with a friend or companion. What is the goal of any argument – to win; but it is not merely to win, but to win OVER the other person. If two parties win in a competition, then there is less joy, than when one party wins and the other loses. Psychologically I feel great when I am able to throw down someone either through reason or by muscle power. And when I am defeated by others, my world shrinks, and is even on the verge of disappearing.

We shall have a thousand and one reasons to blame the whole world around me, and in most of the cases we may even be justified, and there may be many others who would think that our remarks are based on facts. We may have just expectations, and common sense might not prevail in many cases, and we may be left in dark. We may have to live with people who take things for granted, and do not even behave as a human person, and we may be wounded on seeing how such persons treat and respond to us. They can become a real pain in the neck, and we may find ways of either getting round the problem and make life miserable for the person, or not permit the person make our life miserable.

It is not always possible for me to make the other person aware of the kind of harm s/he is creating to me, and on many occasions the person may not even be in a position to respond to my allegations. I should understand that I do not have the pill for the ills of the world; I cannot change the way my companion behaves, which annoys and irritates me. Even if I take courage to explain to him/her that his/her actions hurt me, there are little chances that s/he will take it seriously and do the needful to accommodate me. But just because the other person is not going to buy my views or change the color glasses s/he is wearing, I cannot stop living my life!

Today I would like to ask myself, how many times have I dared to doubt my expectations? Not all of my expectations can be easily justified; if I were to scratch most of my expectations, I may find that they put a lot of demands on the people around me. I become the judge, who determines how others should relate and respond to me. If only I become suspicious of most of my expectations from others, then there would be less reasons for me to get annoyed with them. That would also open new windows, which would remind me constantly that just as I have expectations on others, others too could have similar kind of expectations on me, and do I pause to note their expectations?

Calling on Comparisons

Even before we begin our day, we prepare ourselves for a better tomorrow. We are not contended with the present, or things as they are, but would only look for “better” things to come, even if that remains just a dream. Human mind cannot think of persons or things or events, except in comparisons, and may be that is the reason why we are not able to live the actual people we relate with, actual things that are at our disposal and actual events we go through. Human mind is not satisfied with the status quo, but looks always for a change, which would be better than the one we are presently dealing with. Though this might seem a blessing in disguise, it has its own share of curses as well.

Recently I realized the danger of comparing persons, be they friends, coworkers, or superiors, or even siblings. I favor one of my brothers to two others, because the one I favor had been taken care of by me in his childhood days; I had carried him on my shoulders, fed him, and protected him, when my mother was out in the fields. As a result I had developed a special affinity to him, and today care for him more than the other two brothers, one elder and one younger. I often tend to look at my relationship with this brother in comparison with the other two, and feel quite justified in doing so, even when I know I might be unjustly disfavor my two other brothers and favor this brother.

If there are so much of misunderstanding between siblings, friends, coworkers, lovers and husband and wife, it is most often because we begin to compare one with another, and as one of my friends put it recently, it is like a slap on the cheek! In my family, as soon as we had the second sister-in-law my parents began to compare one with other, and soon began quarrels, misunderstandings. One was favored by my parents, while the other was avoided. Just like me, my parents too had forgotten the basic law of nature that no one on earth likes to be compared to another, especially if it is for downsizing or putting down one. That is bound to lead to misunderstanding, and even break in relationships.

It is true we wish to improve our relationship with others, and want our dear ones to come to our expectations; but when a person gives his/her very best to me, would it be justifiable to expect that person to give like the third person I might have known! Though I am aware of the dangers of comparing one with another, and yet unconsciously I do it all the time. I compare one of my superiors with another, often to say one was better than the other, and what I imply by this is : that the former was worse than the latter. It might not much matter if I make these comparisons to persons who are not involved, but if I have to say the same to even either of the persons involved, it is sure to make things bitter.

We thrive on comparisons, and while we do compare one person with another, what we indirectly mean is that this person has to be like that one; that this person has to fulfill my dreams, aspirations and needs like that of the other, even if I know that this is asking for too much. Here I fail to see what these persons are offering to me, instead I look at what they offer to me in response to my own personal needs and demands. I may be able to do greater justice to relations, if I am able to see what other peoples offer to me per se, without looking at them from my perspective, needs and wants. If this were to happen, then I might realize that there are areas where I may need to do some amount of soul-searching exercise to question what I really expect from these persons, and if I can be justified in doing so. That may be the beginning of a new chapter in my life.