Art of Saying No Gracefully

I know many of us suffer from this weakness: unable to say no someone dear to us! We are pushed to resorting to pleasing others, at the extent of displeasing ourselves, all because we do not have the guts to call cards. One thing which is at the back of our mind, when we force ourselves to oblige is the fear of losing the goodwill that we enjoy with these people. At the other side of the spectrum is the consciousness of our own reputation: what will s/he think if I do not oblige? Ultimately we end up pleasing others, while deep within displeasing ourselves, which may in the long run become a compulsive syndrome difficult to placate.

We need to master the difficult art of saying no gracefully! Here the words art and gracefully are significant. Since it is an art, it needs to be cultivated; we are not born with the rudiments of this art, but we need to learn through the hard way. Saying ‘no’ rudely or indifferently will have its severe consequences, and therefore we should employ the best of our smile, choicest gentle and polite words, and harken the best tonal quality to convey this stern no! It is on how we say this no, which will determine if it will have dire consequences, or happy conclusions to one of the problems which had been pricking our conscience for long.

When it comes to inter personal relationships, we are all too frightened about others; we do not wish to challenge others, because we feel that if we do, others may forsake us, and we will be left without friends. Therefore we would go all the way to compromise! And if our friends can make out that we have begun to compromise, they are sure to make use of it for their own advantage, and we may be left to drown ourselves in misery and fear. But the fact is not all the people who receive a gentle ‘no’ will feel offended; they may even feel happy that we had the courage to say no so gracefully. In this case, instead of the relationship remaining status quo, it may grow into a healthy relationship.

But we cannot over rule the consequences, if for some reason or other our gracefulness does not make the magic! A person or two may be offended and may even burst out in public, and this is part of the deal, in being authentic to ourselves. Which one would we prefer: trying to please others even while going against our wish, or to please ourselves without displeasing others. The dire consequences, if there be any, may not last long, and people may come back to us, when they realize that we were not in a position to entertain their request at the time they required. But that may take some time, and we may have to practice patience till then.

There are very few people who have really mastered this difficult art, and I have come across people who would refuse a favour so sweetly that I would not mind that at all, and again when I need something to be done by them, I would not hesitate to approach them. We all need to practice this art, because it would come to our aid at any time, especially when we are to work under a senior person, who would demand things which we may not be in a position to fulfil. We will be able to find and retain more friends by mastering this art, if only we know how to do it. There is no short cut to learning this art; we may have to start practising smiling sweetly; maybe a mirror may help us to accomplish. The second thing that can help is a set of sweet words. That will do to start mastering this art of saying no gracefully.

Dust thou art! (1.a)

I am going to contemplate on the miracle of my body today, the gateway, as it were, to my encounter with the Lord of my soul. The body, which we are told, was created by God out of mud, and to earth we all shall return! How true it is! Let me begin to realize that whatever be my name and fame, social status, educational qualifications, the great and important offices I hold, the kind of influence I can exert in my community, the number of person who love to follow my words literally, without ever questioning them, the amount of riches and wealth that I have made out of sheer hard work and labor, what am I at the end of it all! A few kilograms of soil, that is what I am, and that is what all of us will ever be!

I would like to spend an hour sitting at the garden, or at a quiet place where I am alone with the earth! Let my feet rest on the ground, the hard earth, and let me walk on the earth consciously telling myself that I am treading on the lives of so many of human persons, who might have died hundreds and thousands of years ago. Let me close my eyes for a while and imagine a pile of human bodies strewn on my path, and I am walking over them! Let me continue my walk imagining that the soil on earth is nothing but the composite of human bodies. Let me also remind myself that one day I would be trodden upon by the future generations. That is what I am!

Now let me sit quietly in a corner of the garden, take a handful of mud and hold it tenderly, look at it lovingly, because that is what I am, and that is what I would be after some years. This is what the people I love the most on earth are and would be after some years. The best and the worst that the world can offer me is nothing but a handful of mud! The greatest possessions I can claim power and authority over are but a few hands full of mud. Let me continue to gaze at the mud, the color, shape, smell and the kind of feeling they create on my fingers; the coarse feeling! Let me smell it and consume the smell of it and fill my lungs with it. This is what I am, this is what I will be!

As I look at the handful of mud in my hand, let me see the mud being shaped by a master craftsman into my image and likeness, let me take a good look at the image of myself before my eyes; the image is lifeless, it is as good as a dead body; there is no life in it! Let me pay attention to the continuous fine tuning of this image by the craftsman, who keeps on improving it; the painstaking task of providing the much needed contours to the image makes the craftsman sweat his blood out, but there is joy on his face. When it is done, I witness him breathing into the lifeless image, and I am created! Once I am in full shape, I see the craftsman no more. I see the marvel of my body, though it is made of mud, it is but an exquisite work of art!

Now it is time for me to move to my room, carrying in my mind the body that had been created out of mud, and remove all the clothes, and stand in the middle of the room. Today is the time for me to take a good look at my body, the wonder machine far superior than any that human beings were able to make. I make take about an hour to really see every part of my body, starting either from the top or the bottom, moving gently from one part to another! I might use a looking mirror to have a look at my face… let me take note of the many things which are in my body, about which I had not been conscious of… the moles, scars, veins, … Let me look at my body as if I am watching at the best art work in a museum! Let me explore the wonder of my body, slowly and respectfully!

Nurturing the Neighbor (Lent 3)

Lent is a beautiful occasion for us to ask ourselves, who is my neighbor! Actually the question that is often on the tip of our lips is nothing new; there are thousands of seekers ahead of us, who have asked the same question, and some 2000 years ago, Jesus had already answered this question with a story, the parable of the Good Samaritan! Here in this story we shall find the elements of the previous two notions, of listening to one’s inner spirit, expressing unconditional empathy, and it leads to yet another level of making the other person as an extension of oneself. The good Samaritan does not see a stranger on the road, but a reflection of himself, part of his own Being. He could not help but reach out to him with spontaneous willingness to suffer.

If there is so much of division, conflict, violence and bloodshed in the world, the most important reason why these things happen is because we have not known who is the other! We are used to looking at the other as someone outside of me! Martin Buber made popular the notion of ‘we’ and ‘they’ and we have cleverly managed to look at ourselves as different from the others. Linguistic groups, religious sects, ethnic communities, thrive because they convince the masses that “we” are different from “they”, and that they cannot sacrifice their group identity at the expense of the other, and that would only lead to their suicide, so they are brainwashed, and the result is conflict, violence and bloodshed.

The Vedas had taught us to look at us as ‘aham brahmasmi’ (I am Brahman), and if I am Brahman, then what about the other? Of course everyone is Brahman; the Greeks had proposed the theory of ‘demigods’, that everyone is an extension of God, or part of Godhead. If I see God in the other person, would I dare to cheat him, look at her with lustful eyes, attempt to rob the little he has, shed his blood in order to rob the house? The very moment I look at myself as God, and so are others, then the entire outlook changes, and I cannot do most of the things that I often take it for granted. And that is where the final judgment scene of Matthew 25 makes sense.

What do I think about my neighbor, especially those with whom I do not feel at ease, people who do not entertain my views and ideas, people who think very different from mine, people who often outshine me in several fields? Until I get out of my own self, I would not be entering into the spirit of Lent, which necessarily invites me to get out of my self, in order to enter into another self, the Self of the other. The world unfortunately, has taught us to love our own self, shower the greatest encomium to our own self and its image, forgetting the other persons are but extensions of my own image and likeness, which again is the image and likeness of God himself.

But is it possible for me to look at the other person, especially my rivals and enemies as extension of my own self? It is, and the season of lent may be a good occasion for us to practice this : all that I should do is to look at the other person as a looking mirror; that is all I need to do! Now when I look at another person (and if he is a looking mirror), what would I see? Of course, the image of my own self, and if that is the case, would I dare to harm him or her? Would I dare to rob his/her possessions? Here I would go beyond all narrow categories the world has created for me, the linguistic, regional, religious, cultural, ethnic, everything will come to a naught as soon as I place a looking mirror. Let us carry this mirror wherever we go, and we can be sure, we are safe, and others are also safe with us!