Swing of the Pendulum

In less than 24 hours, the pendulum had swung from one end to the other; it was quite surprising for me to listen to the very people who had found more than half a dozen unholy tendencies, today ventured to assure me with more than that many virtues. Were they consciously trying to undo the damage they had collectively done to my personality? The swift was too sudden, and I struggled to understand how these men, all of them so mature and aged, could do this? When all is said and done, they were helpless to find people whom they could rely on; they might find me so weak and vulnerable, but they did not seem to find a better person around, and I would think they themselves might not fit into the bill.

I would not have liked to stage a drama, trying to hold on to my guns, as it were, and trying to lash them for the heap of personal feedback they had levied on me. I could have very easily told them how they could not see these many virtues yesterday in me, and today all of a sudden all of them were unanimous to undertake a job which was vital and there was not a single soul who fitted into their expectations. Maybe they felt it quite humiliating to accept their own fault, and therefore had to send me out to discuss among themselves how they would push the pendulum to the other side and make me accept their proposal. When I had come, they did repeat all that they had faithfully prepared. This time they depended on me.

It was possible for me to refuse their offer, and make them regret for what they had done to me barely 24 hours ago; but still then I am not sure if that would have made them realize it. They were in a situation which was more than pathetic. They needed someone to salvage the situation, and suddenly it dawned to them after discussing for more than two hours that I would just fit in, and the boss who used the most sugar coated words did not stop to observe that he felt a kind of peace within when he considered my name to hold this important assignment. It is not going to be easy, but they said that I was credible and a role-model to hold this post. Was I carried away by their sweet words? I was careful not to swallow their words, but was available for whatever was the need of the hour.

I did not expect this to happen; this was something I could not believe would happen to me; it is not that it was something impossible for me to handle, but I always considered myself as a misfit for this assignment. But the four men considered me an ideal person to fit into the assignment, and each of them ventured to justify their proposal. I could understand that they all had a point to make, but they also were in a situation which demanded me to step in. They could not think of another person, more suitable than I. They were more than pleased when I agreed to their proposal and accepted to embrace this tough task.

It is impossible for me to assess if they were rethinking about their comments about me on the previous day, but surely they would have been happy about my availability, which I considered was one of my strong assets. Though they had strong reservations about the way how I presented myself, yet today they thought that I had an exemplary demeanor which could challenge young men. I had a feeling that during the two days battle, I had won over, though at the end of the day yesterday, I had a lump of sadness lurking in my stomach, and the loving and tender words of my dear friend soothed much of the pain, and today here I am to narrate the other side of the narration at the battlefront. But I know for sure I am to be prepared for more battlefields to face and embrace.

Running for Recognition

This senior friend of ours is a notorious do-gooder! Anyone can ask him for a favor at any time, and he would be prepared to leave everything behind to help the person! I should be happy to find such a good soul, but that is not the whole truth; that is only a small portion of his personality. But that glorious side of the friend is so well expressed and exhibited that most people take for granted that he is gem of a character! He had been an infirmarian in one of our large houses for some years, and he would take care of the sick who are on the verge of bidding goodbye to the world in such a manner that very few can do that, and we know that in such situations, our friend is fully himself, and gives himself fully too.

One of his other virtues worth mentioning is that he would do anything to the persons he likes, and has to get some favor through him/her. He would go out of his way to help a person, knowing well that he has to get a greater favor, and a bigger one in the not so distant future. We may call him calculative, and he knows how to move his soldiers. The interests of the people who matter to him most often become his own interests. So if he is doing something wonderful for some people, one can be sure that he has got to receive something out of them. And the formula works fine for him, and over the years he has only fine-tuned his tastes and procedures.

I would not be exaggerating if I were to say that he is one of the busiest persons in our circles, and call him on his mobile phone at any hour, you will hear him say that he is in such and such place! He loves to move around, and drive people or accompany them, and he really enjoys it. He may not mind driving people crazy too, and we have had several instances when people had been annoyed with him for not paying attention to them, when they needed his help. That is where the other side of the personality unfolds. He would be found seldom doing what he is supposed to do, what he is expected to do, but busy with everything else, and that could be quite annoying for the people who are to receive directions from him about how to proceed.

He loves good food, and the ever bulging stomach for him is no problem at all, and he does not believe in doing exercises to tone down the body. He loves gossiping, and grumbling about anything under the sky; he would spend hours and hours yapping with persons who get along well with him. Now why am I pouring out so much about him here and now? How does this person affect me? Some days ago I had asked for his assistance on an official work, which he readily agreed. But even after three days I did not get any response to him, and so I had to do it by myself. And the next time when I met him, I told him that since he did not have time, I had to do the work by myself.

More than anything else, I have felt that this friend of ours was looking for ‘recognition’, and in order to win the appreciation and applause of others, he would do anything for them. Doing a routine job which has been assigned to him, surely is not going to get him the appreciation of the people around. While he would do all the odd jobs outside, he would not do even the least expected jobs in his house. I realize the danger of trying to please all the people, and in turn wanting others to please him. It is only when we go beyond the need and want for recognition that we can reach out to the truly needy persons. I only wish at least some times when he is wanted by the people he is expected to take care of, he is their at their side.

Objectionable Obsessions

We all of us have our own obsessions, some good and some bad. There is no one on earth who can claim that he or she is a free from any kind of obsessions. There are certain objections which are considered socially objectionable, and when the person goes against the set norms of the society that person is often referred to as a rebel. But it would be wrong to imagine or think that all rebels are against the society, or its set patterns. It is next to impossible to define where we draw the line. There are certain rebels, who with all their good intentions, desire the good of all. The Marxists and the Maoists in West Bengal can be considered as belonging to such a group.

Each one of us has our own obsessions and preoccupations. There are some of us, who are voracious readers, and they love to read night and day; and there are others who like sitting in front of the idiot box round-the-clock; and there are some others who love to loiter around aimlessly. But our obsessions are limited not only to our external behaviors, they are also seen in our thinking patterns. I too have my own obsessions and preoccupations, some known to me and others, and some known only to me, and I try to guard them as a secretly guarded treasure, and they may die with me, without anyone knowing about it.

Some years ago, while visiting one of our schools, I had to stay with our Jesuit community, and I was given a guest room to stay the night. That was the first time I was going to stay in that community. Next to the room I was given to stay, was a room with painting boards, canvass, incomplete paintings; the place looked like a professional studio of an artist, and I was wondering who might be doing the paintings. It came as a surprise that one of the Fathers was doing the paintings in his leisure hours, and he had a lot of time to spend on it, but I had known him for over twenty years, and yet I had not known him as a painter or artist. Later I heard that painting was one of his passions.

But what is dangerous about obsessions is to cultivate a secret set of them, which may separate me from the rest of the society. When obsessions go overboard, then we may be called eccentric or pervert. It is not that they are bad elements, but the problem with them is that they had not known where to draw the line between what is personal interest and what is societal. But each one of us has an obsession, which may complement in a social setting. Most of us are incorrigible in some way or the other: some in their behavior, some in their thinking, and some in relating to others. We love to live in our own worlds, which may give us an identity and sense of being.

I am incapable of overcoming some of the obsessions, which may be in my blood, and some became part of myself during the upbringing, and over which I may not have much control. Most of my obsessions may come in conflict with those of others, and there might be times when I might feel left out in a social setting because of my eccentrics. It is possible I may not be able to overcome them, but it might be necessary for me to be conscious of my grey areas, so that when I am confronted, I am not taken aback. If there is a possibility for bringing my obsessions under control, it would enhance my personality and life in general. But that is a life-long mission, and I may be no before I realize a different ‘me’.

Touching Lives

Today the city of Kolkata bade final farewell to one of the citizens, who had become part of the history of this state for the past sixty years or so. Jyoti Basu, a man who is as short in stature as his name, and who had such a command over reaching out to the masses, and holding the reins of governing the state for 23 years, that today about half the city had gathered on roads to bid him farewell. Basu had always been a controversial man, and he had equal number of foes as friends. He had political rivals, who could not help but take their hats off for his political acumen. But the problem with us is that we often love to label people, and if we label Jyoti Basu only as a representative of the Communist Party of India (Marxist), then we may be doing injustice to his personality.

We all of us have several sides to our personalities; one is personal, another social, and there are cultural, familial, political and economic, and academic; the list is rather endless. We may not excel in all the fields, but we cannot ignore any of these fields, because they are all interconnected. If the professional side occupies much of our time, then our personal and familial ties may weaken, and that may have further unpleasant consequences. At the same time, it is not possible to allot equal amount of time for all the different fields of one’s personality. We need to prioritise our areas of interest and importance and have to divide the time accordingly. I believe Jyoti Basu would have done this exercise several times in his long life.

Our lives are very short in comparison to the age of the universe; Jyoti Basu had lived 95 years, and out of which about ten to fifteen years would have gone out of his control; the past five years, he was at the mercy of his family and friends, to decide what he wanted. But out of the eighty years, we take quite some time to establish ourselves in the society; we begin to build up a family, which takes some more years; this way our lives are spent so soon, often in a disoriented way. If we focus on what we have gained in life, we may be quite disappointed. Instead if we begin to ask ourselves what have I given to the world, out of the little I came into the world and out of the little I made for myself, then probably we may be able to smile as our spirits take leave of our mortal bodies.

I feel there is one simple yardstick to measure the success of our lives; surely this is not on the basis of the amount of money, wealth and riches we have accumulated, through fair and unfair means; but this yardstick is based on how many lives we have touched over the years. Most of us are simple people, with acquaintances who are too few to number; we may be able to reach out to only a few hundreds or thousands in a year. But I would feel happy and contended if I am able to touch the life of at least one or two in a year. If I am able to make at least one or two persons to smile in life, then I should be proud to be a human person.

It would be hard to determine how many people Jyoti Basu had touched in his long life; but slowly we shall be hearing the stories of men and women who had felt the warmth of this person, and such sweet memories are the greatest tribute that can be paid to the departed souls. These stories are the ones which can give life to the earth, and make us feel life is worth living. As we express our “Lal Salaam” to Jyoti Basu, I would like to ask myself, when I am on the verge of bidding final farewell to this wonderful world, will I have at least a handful of men and women, whose hearts will throb for me, with love, admiration and wonderment?

Designing Desires

Is it possible to desire something in a controlled manner? Or to put it in other words, how can I control what I desire, especially if it is socially forbidden or culturally taboo? Often one feels that desires are beyond one’s control, and once they go out of one’s hand, they can be the cause of one’s downfall. But it is not impossible to put a brake to the desires which may cost one a lot, and that may demand certain amount of discipline on one’s part. But let us be clear from the start that desires by themselves are neutral, and their effect will depend largely on how we approach them.

There are two ways of approaching our desires, be they gentle, generally acceptable, sign of decency and decorum or the forbidden one’s. One may shy away from the forbidden one’s, because desiring it point blank will only win the frown of those in society; so it is better to forego them, though the heart may desire it a lot. In some cases, such persons may seek to fulfill such desires alone, in a personal way, without the knowledge of others. Desires that are entertained in private may often become problem areas to individuals, and may corrupt his/her mind.

It is not always easy to overcome certain desires which are deeply ingrained into our selves; however an awareness of these desires and their effect on oneself will be not only helpful, but also save one from dangerous situations. But the socially forbidden desires and the taboo areas are sensitive areas one has to deal with greater care, lest the elders and seniors in society are not scandalized.

It is important if we really entertain the desires, which are beyond our reach. There was a young brother who went to a priest for counseling, and told the priest that he was having bad thoughts. The priest asked him if the thoughts were entertaining him, and the brother told him that the thoughts were in fact entertaining him, and he was enjoying it. It is possible that often we may be carried away by the thoughts which may transport us to a different world, even if it is only momentarily.

The desires determine what sort of persons we become; we become often what we desire, and it is not very difficult to find out what one might desire from what sort of person s/he is. In other words, our personality betrays our desires. Those who desire values of higher and nobler nature become men of that sort, and those who desire baser elements and aspects of life, become wo/men of that sort. But it is impossible to escape the world of desires, even if Buddha had warned us that they are the root cause of all evil in the world. It is only divine help which can help us safeguard us from unhealthy and unproductive desires.