Harvesting on Hurts

In the recent days, I have realized how easy it is to hurt someone I love and care for, and often I do it without even realizing what I am doing. These are not just passing moments in the daily chores of a person, but moments which make a deep wound in the hearts of the people concerned, wounds which may take days and months to heal, and in some cases they may be carried on for years. One question which faces me squarely today is this : why can’t I stop hurting the very people I love so much? What is the need for me to keep hurting the very people time and again, and what pleasure do I get by hurting others, especially my dear ones?

It is hard for me to recognize the pain which many of my close friends go through when I hurt them deeply, and luckily very few bounce back to charge me for spoiling their peace of mind. Many of them let the hurt take its own time to heal, and wait patiently till then, in order to relate to me as they used to before I hurt them. I also realize that I don’t hurt anyone deliberately with the intention of wounding them, but probably there is somewhere in a corner of my heart, there is an unresolved hurt feeling, caused by whomever it may be, and I only try to give vent to this quite unconsciously, and without realizing the consequences it may create.

If I look at each day, there are very few days when I had not hurt anyone, and it would be quite revealing to me if I were to keep a notebook to jot down the different persons I had hurt each day, and look at it at the end of each week. This can help me to see the picture in toto. I may also need to do its counterpart: enlist all the persons who had hurt me each day, and to take a good look at the list at the end of the week. If I were to put both these lists side by side, there might be something very revealing to me; often I hurt the very people who unconsciously had hurt me, in the spirit of tit for tat. If this spirit continues, it is sure to create uneasy feelings among friends.

Just like every sound that has been produced and let out in the ‘air’ is never lost, but hovers in the universe, and if our technology improves, we may be able to retrieve the sound back, even after several years, so also every hurt feeling that we exchange is never lost, but is in the two or more persons concerned, and it may revive the old wounds even after several years. Proper conducive atmosphere where these wounds can heal, and a proper attitude in the hearts of all concerned, can make a difference in the lives of the people, in order to reap the maximum harvest out of these growth promoting experiences. But there are many who are just frightened of facing any such situation, and they would only love to avoid them, if they can. In such people, there might be very little chance for facing the challenges of life.

I know it is impossible for me to undo the effects of hurting others by saying ‘sorry’, even if it comes from the heart of the person who hurt me, and the same is also true with me when I hurt another person. I feel sad to realize that sometimes I begin to poke into the past wounds again and again making my friends and dear ones go through untold pain and suffering. Though I would like to say sorry to them all, deep down I know that my asking pardon is useless, unless I resolve not to indulge in such cruel and harsh treatments. As a human person I can only try my best in order to take up the challenge, but I would be quite powerless before an inner demon which is activating me to do such things which I do not wish for myself. If only I can identify this demon and do something about it, I would be a better person relating to people with genuine human concern all of us are endowed with.

Seeds of Sensitivity

Insensitivity to the needs of our dear ones is ingrained into the human psyche; we are not talking about insensitivity to the animal and plant kingdoms, but to the clan of our own. Perhaps this is the one and only quality that is needed of the present generation to make life on earth more joyful and happy, and perhaps this is one of the toughest of all challenges this generation has to face. If only we are more sensitive to things and persons around us, then there would be better peace and harmony in our families; if we have sensitivity between the members of the family, each family can boast of an ideal family. But reality is far from this kind of situation, and that is what is ailing our age.

Like everyone else around me, I am no exception to exhibiting insensitivity towards others, especially those who are in any way less fortunate or less qualified or lower than me in social-religious status, and it does not hurt me at all to be cold and indifferent towards them. I often feel justified in being insensitive towards them, and feel they all deserve it from me. Often my relationship with them determines how sensitive or insensitive I am to them. To the people I am bonded, I tend to be alert and extremely sensitive to their needs and necessities, but to those who do not much matter to me, I am indifferent and insensitive.

I have seen that sensitivity towards other persons and to animals and plants is a matter of attitude, not merely conditioned by my personal rapport with them. For instance, if I know that certain group of people are noble and worthy of honor in my sight, then I would tend to go out of my way to make them comfortable and provide them all their needs. Let me illustrate this with an example. Often priests and religious go to attend celebrations which most often end with a festive dinner. While the priests and religious enjoy a hearty meal, their vehicle drivers may be left to starve outside the dining halls. How many of the priests and religious would remember to call them inside and provide them the same meal they take part in? I have noticed that fortunately this part of the world the priests and religious do remember to do this, partly because the drivers are part of their household, their family.

There is one little way how this sense of sensitivity towards others could be cultivated by all, and it is not so difficult to do. If only I look at every person around me as an extension of my own self, then much of the problem of insensitivity would be nibbed already at the bud. This would mean that I should dissociate the persons from all the categories the world had imposed on them, such as social, economic and religious class this person belongs to, the nationality, color, caste and influence he/she enjoys, and this would require certain mental exercise. Once this is done, then it is not difficult to look at the person with new eyes, and I would not need to be excessively alert to be sensitive to his or her needs. I would be automatically impelled to be sensitive to his/her needs.

I have been so appreciative of certain friends of mine, who are so sensitive to the needs of others that they would not bother about their own personal needs and necessities. There is another important virtue they hold, presence of mind. They are often trouble-shooters, and their sensitivity to persons and situations make them so adept to hand tough situations boldly and courageously that they are often in great demand. I feel sensitivity is a divine virtue, and while it is fifty per cent God given, the other fifty per cent needs to be cultivated and nurtured. The people who are sensitive in a society make a lot of difference, and thanks to them we can boast most of our demands are easily met.

Mowed by Machines

There are many people around us, who are used to taking others for granted. The situation may be worse if these people are holding some leadership roles. One of my friends had been taken for such royal ride by one of her superiors that there was very little that my friend could do; when the friend had gathered some courage to talk to the superior about how she felt being taken for a royal ride, the superior tried to pour out a bag full of reasons why she had to do that. Justifications, rationalizations and explanations, these are the tools of the trade with the people who wish to take people for granted, in order to impose their own authority felt among the subordinates.

There is a limit for everything, and the hoi poloi would not mind being taken for granted to a certain extent, but if they are to be considered the non-existent, then there is bound to be a revolt and unhappiness. Such a situation is sure to create uneasy feelings among friends, among superiors and their subordinates, between family members. Generally it is observed that it is only the people who feel they enjoy certain special privileges, that make sure they have to show off their powers which flow from the privileges. In a group, if there is one who exercises leadership role and does not take into consideration the sentiments and opinion of other members and makes a decision for others, it is sure to backfire at sometime or other.

A friend complained about a certain Principal of a school who had been notorious for autocracy. Very seldom had he consulted the other members of his team before he arrived at a vital decision affecting the interests of the students, staff, and the guardians of students. The decisions were most often unilateral, though luckily many of his decisions were based on sound judgment, and so there was no major disaster or confrontation. However, the other members of the staff and his own friends and companions began to avoid him, and treat him as an outcast because of his tendency to take people for granted.

Now behind this simple attitude of taking people for granted, or taking people for a ride, there is an unsaid declaration these people make for themselves: it is only these people who have the brains at right proportions so that they could decide for others, and even help people find answers to all the problems they face. There is also an implicit paternalistic attitude in them, which makes them treat all others as children. This is exactly what Transactional Analysis points to us as an unhealthy syndrome in some which can really create havoc to personal relationships. Many are the victims of such paternalistic attitude, and invariably everyone goes through such experiences.

It is a good thing to assert one’s due rights and privileges, and not allow others treat us as if we are the door-mat; but that demands a good amount of guts and courage. I know some big bosses, who cannot tolerate anyone question their decisions, and if the subordinates ever open their lips against their unilateral decisions, the bosses would make sure to ruin the future of these hapless victims. But I have seen some of my good friends dare to do exactly that and face the consequences, even if they are very harsh and unreasonable. This, I feel, is a wonderful thing to do, to be on the guard so that people are treated with due honor and dignity they are born, and not be treated as a paperweight!

Storms and Silence

There would be too few people who do not know how a storm-stricken village or city appears; the uprooted trees, displaced roof-tops, utensils and beddings of the pavement dwellers strewn all over, the over turned umbrellas, and the pale yellow leaves of trees. But the silence that prevails after a storm could be frightening; except for occasional thunder and lightning, it is not something which people are too happy to welcome. However the hour of storm is no good tidings either. After every stormy situation in life, to get back to normal life is not so easy, and that is all the more painful to return to the pre-storm situation with the wounds and trauma of the stormy nights.

Having gone through several scores of stormy nights, I have realized that each stormy night leaves behind certain scars in me, some of which are indelible, and etched into my memory. I would be wrong to conclude that all the stormy nights had drowned me with melancholy and sadness; I had drawn meaningful and significant lessons out of them, which had helped me to see the path during dark nights of my soul. Thanks to these stormy nights, I have been shaken out of the mediocre, status quo, self-complacency, and am able to wrap up my belt around and get ready to face life as it comes to me in bits and pieces.

Every storm is a reminder to me that there is silence not too far away, and every silence is a reminder to me that the next storm is not too far off! That is how life goes on, and these are the indications for me to be prepared to face the situation in whatever form they may come to me. I long for a storm, in the same way I long for silence after it, because it is impossible for silence to dawn on the land without a storm. Besides it is impossible for me to realize the beauty and splendor of the silence, if I do not know the ruthlessness and ransacking quality of the storm. That is why the English poet William Blake had dared to say, “without contraries is no progression”. We can appreciate light only in the backdrop of darkness.

I need to thank God for all the stormy nights, which had shaken me out of my roots, and had made me shiver to the core, had made me take shelter under the inner resources he had endowed me with; if not for the inner strength which flows from him, it is impossible for me to survive these nights. There had been moments when I had felt it was time for me to be swept away by the currents of the waters, and be lost forever; but soon I had also realized I had no right to run away from life in such a cowardly manner; that would be disgrace not only to this beautiful earth, but also to the entire human race. Storms are part of life, and anyone who fears storms cannot taste the sweetness of silence.

It is because I had gone through several stormy nights, that I am able to give shelter to others who are looking for certain amount of security at the time of their trouble and challenge. I am able to teach them the wisdom of facing the storms boldly and courageously, so that they might taste the sweetness of the silence thereafter. Every storm is a gift of God; we had been longing for the Nor’wester during the past few weeks, as the mercury level keeps soaring beyond all imagination, and we know only storm is enough to cool the earth, and permit the people to sleep in peace, even when the electricity fails. The storms may come when we least expect them, and what is strange, even the weathermen are not able to predict them, and that is the beauty of these angels of destruction, who also usher in the angels of peace and tranquility.

Lessons from Crows

Just outside the window of my room is a tall tree (how sad that I had not known the tree by its name!), and crow couple has been struggling to build a nest for the past two years. And what is beautiful in this couple is that one of them is physically challenged! I don’t know if it is a male or a female, but I assume it is a male, because he had been hunting for food and was feeding his partner often. Crows are not good nest builders, and yet the two had been making all efforts to bring in twigs, wires, grass, and even strings to put up a nest. After spending a few months on a nest, the couple suddenly gave up the nest, and one fine morning I saw them dismantling it! I really don’t know if the couple had a fight over the location of the nest, but it did not seem so.

Just about a month ago, I noticed the female crow recceeing for a different location for the nest, very close to the place they had built their former nest; maybe about a foot distance from the former, and on the same tree. The female crow checked the suitability of the location, and after two days I saw both of them collecting twigs and plastic wires from all possible places. And this time the nest was ready within a week, and the female crow began to sit on it, probably even laying eggs. She sat the whole day, and when it railed one evening, I could see the crow still sitting there quietly. I wondered why she was not moving to another place where she would not get wet! Probably there were eggs, and she wanted to protect them from the rain.

It was study time for me, while looking at the way this couple related to each other, how they moved from one nest to another without grumbling or accusing each other. When I see the so-called physically challenged people begging in the trains and at market squares, I realize that these are the people who are lazy to the core, and instead of following the good example of the male crow, they shamelessly seek to make a living out of begging; and to make things worse, there are many who are moved by the plight of the physically challenged (a good per cent of these men and women only feign to be physically challenged, while in fact they are not!), and dole out money every time they see someone asking for money.

While the animals and plants can live through handicap, even physical, why is it that only the human beings make too much fuss about the handicap? If a crow without a toe can live a normal life, and without ever complaining about it, why is it that men and women make such a hue and cry about their minor handicaps? I found it so moving, when the male crow brought food for his partner every day morning and fed her; it was a wonderful sight. I know among people, misunderstanding is the greatest enemy of relationships; if the channels of communications are destroyed, then everything come to a standstill. But in the case of these crows, life goes on. I guess there could be misunderstanding among them too, but life does not stop there, they continue with life as joyfully as ever.

Each one of us build our own nests of relationships and after sometime we might realize that the nest we had been building does not suit our purpose, and that would be the time to dismantle it and start a different one, all over again. If we realize after sometime that we had been nurturing an unhealthy relationship with a person, it might be necessary to terminate it, and start relating to another person with better vibrations, so that there is enough moral and psychological backup given to us through other persons. We cannot afford to freeze life, it has to go on. I envy these birds who seem to be having a happy and joyful time together, though I have not seen them together too often. Who knows if they have another more permanent abode in the vicinity!

Beyond ‘Reasonable Risks’

There is certain amount of thrill in facing impossible tasks and challenges, things which might appear to be impossible, but when one puts one’s heart and mind to it, it might become easy, and the joy of breaking the so-called barriers can last for decades and even a life time. When a person with normal intelligence and acumen might prefer to limit him/herself with reasonable risks, the dare devils might go beyond the reasonable risks, and thanks to these kind of men and women, we can boast of finding solution to many of the mysteries of the universe and life on earth. If Tenzing Norgay thought scaling the highest mountain on earth was going to be an impossible task, and beyond reasonable risk, then we would not have hundreds of men and women who had ever since reached the top of the Himalayan range.

I love taking risks, not only reasonable risks, but also the risks which would put myself to test. There is no greater test to assess the guts one has, than to push him/her beyond the prescribed limits. Ultimately what it takes to scale the impossible is not merely the brain or the intelligence, but self-determination and confidence. One may have intelligence, but if one does not have the determination and confidence, then the work would suffer failure. Those who had pushed themselves beyond the reasonable risks had reaped a rich harvest, and history is proof to this. It is possible sometimes people had to suffer failure, but that not because the task had been impossible to achieve, but some other elements might have brought down the determination and confidence, thus leading to failure.

But for the daring, even failures are not end of everything; it is only part of the process, and further attempts could help the person to go even beyond the limits of success and achievement. One need not be an IAS (Indian Administrative Services), in order to go beyond reasonable risks; every person is capable of experimenting with this, in whatever situation we are in. Even a simple experiment as sitting at the study table with a serious work can prove that it is not impossible to achieve what has been branded as impossible. We have enough psychological power to even destroy the world in an instant, and if only this power is put to use, life can be very different.

I had the fortune of experimenting with the so-called impossible task in a limited way, and I found it an enjoyable experiment, and since then I have been looking for scaling the impossible heights, and not be complacent with the reasonable risks. For a person who had been used to life in a city with all the comforts it offers, it would be quite impossible to live in a village, where even the basic necessities of life were scarce. Comforts apart, life was quite daring and challenging, and the institution was in a mess after the director had to be removed on medical grounds all of a sudden, and there was no one who had been prepared to replace him. Then out of the blue, I called up my superiors and informed them that I was ready to volunteer to go to that place. From the time I landed up there, I enjoyed every moment of my two year stay.

I have realized that one of the most important dispositions to go really beyond the reasonable risks is to consider the task as a test to one’s self and not so much a task which had been imposed. Failures may occur when one takes it as a task assigned, and not the one which concerned him/her. The second requisite is related to the first : happy to be part of the process, not merely the end. Some are over obsessed with the goal, which they may forget to enjoy every moment of the process of scaling the impossible, and that could be a futile exercise. What happens if for some reason or other one fails in the challenge; it under normal circumstances, should not upset the person, because one has to savor the joy and happiness of the process and not merely the final moment of victory or success. If this is the attitude with which one embraces an impossible, then success is just inches away.

Kissing all the way

It is after quite some time that I am back to my blog, to recapture some of the significant moments of the day, to reflect about them, and savor what life has to offer to me, through me to my friends, and through my friend to me. I felt sad when one of the friends shared about her friends who had been demanding something more than what she could legitimately give by herself. It was about relationship she had been nurturing for the past one year with this young man, who of late had been demanding something more than mere cordial and open conversation with her. He had been, she said, asking her to visit him when he is alone, so that they could “exchange” what is due to both. This had been disturbing this friend, and she could not think of any “exchange” between them, but had been finding it hard to tell him directly about what she felt about this.

She was frank to admit that this young man was not the first person she really “fell” in love with; she had been “going steady” with another young man for quite many years, and she had not been allowing that young man to take undue advantage of her. She desired to keep a safe distance which befitted her special calling, and the many attempts of her first thick friend could not move her from the resolve she had made, and had been quite happy about. But she has felt that she was at a cross-road, and the new man she had been feeling for dearly, had communicated to her in more than clear terms that he would love to exchange certain niceties, which included hugging and kissing. This of course, could only be done in private, when they were alone.

There is reasonable amount of fear in her, that if she were to give in to the demands of this new friend, it could lead her to further submissions, and ultimately could even ruin her peace and happiness she had been enjoying for the past years. But things are not that easy for her, because she had felt over the months that this young man had been coming so close to her, that she felt it was divine providence that they came together, and she would hate to part ways with him. The mutual appreciation that these two experienced had strengthened their bond, and she dare not sever ties, and that had been disturbing her for the past few days. On the one side is her conviction that she cannot let anyone take her for a royal ride, making her do something which her conscience does not allow her to, and on the other is her liking for this person.

I realize that her situation is not so easy to work through; in either way it is sure to pain her, and all that I could suggest her was that she should be faithful to her conscience. If she begins to submit her conscience to the whims and fancies of this young man, and let him take her for a ride, she is sure to experience a guilty conscience at sometime or other. If she has to stick to her convictions, then there are all the chances that the relationship cannot continue, not only because she would not allow him to have his ways with her, but also because this “lakshman-rekha” is sure to put the man at a distance, not allowing him to come anymore close to this woman.

According to me, the lady should choose ultimately what is going to bring her inner peace and happiness, and not necessarily the momentary peace which the friendship and relationship this young man had been fostering with her. It is, no doubt, going to be tough for her, but it is sure to keep her faithful to her calling, her convictions and the kind of value system she had been convinced of for many years. She also shared with me how she had to shun several young man during her past years, when they tried to come too close to her, demanding all too fast “hugs and kisses”. It is possible that the joy of forsaking this unhealthy relationship will be far greater than the joy that the company of this man might give to her; but in that case, she should be prepared to bear the consequences, and stand firmly by her convictions, instead of forsaking them to save the relationship which could possibly bury all her values and convictions. But it is she who has to make a choice!