End of the Beginning

We are taken by surprise to note that the year is almost over, and yet another year is about to begin. Even before we could really become aware of this fact, out feet are on the new year, and many of the promises that we had made the previous new year day are yet to be realised; true enough, we have even forgotten what promises we had made. Time waits for no one, and it surely does not pause; it is not like a DVD film I am watching, that I can pause for a while to savor the beauty of the scene, nor can I "rewind" the scene to take note of the details I had failed to pay attention to the previous time. If only we had that privilege to do with time what we do either in memory or in a recorded film, then things might be very different. But for the most part we should be happy that time does not wait for any one, or else we may have too many thing to complain about, and may even curse our fate for asking for the time that does not move at its own pace.

The beauty with time is that you don't need to exert to flow with the current of time; it takes you by force, whether you like it or not. But today I would like to remember those people for whom time is a fierce enemy. I would like to recall to mind what a few fractions of a second could be for a rocket launcher; a few minutes for the one who is one the verge of death, a few hours for the one who is at the guillotene; a few days to a cancer patient. Time is not a pleasant thing that these people can savor, but is what they would like to forget. It is too frightening to think that time sometimes runs short. Christopher Marlowe in his beautiful play 'Doctor Faustus' talks about what time means to Faustus who had sold his soul to Satan in order to gain all worldly wisdom; when it is time, he is on his knees pleading for a few hours, a few minutes or at least a few seconds...

Concerning the differences in perspectives between the east and the west, it is said that the western philosophy looks at reality in a linear fashion, while the east looks at it as a cyclic, and that makes a lot of difference. We have even depicted this idea pictorially, showing a snake eating its tail. The idiom may not be very appetising, but the idea is there for us to understand. Life continues without any beginning or an end; we enter into the cyclic process at one particular moment, and may disappear at another, but the process continues. Therefore the popular adage, what seems to be end is in fact the beginning, makes a lot of meaning. Every end is actually a beginning, and every beginning may also be an end. It is too hard to make a distinction as to which is the beginning and which is the end. In the cyclic process, there is no beginning and no end. It is so very beautiful to flow with the current, which is never ending.

The greatest healer, it is said, is the time, and if only we allow ourselves to be moulded and shaped by time, there would be hardly any scars. We may not need to carry psychological baggage year after year. Let the waters that flow constantly in the never-ending ocean of time wash away all the fatigue and tiredness we had been carrying upto this very day. Let us not carry anything further to the new year that is dawning. Let the worries and troubles, hatred and vengeance disappear in the waters of time. We are here to start the new year as a tabula rasa, a clean slate to start all thing anew. There is a thrill in starting things anew, because new hopes and new expectations can boost our confidence, and we may be in a better position to handle ourselves and the world around us.

As I stand at the threshold of yet another year, I place all that I had achieved and all that I had failed; let time be the best judge, who can tell me frankly and truly how my days had been spent. I have nothing to regret or complain, because I know if not any one else, at least time will take care of all my sincere efforts. I am here to present myself in the powerful yet gentle hands of time, for her to heal the wounds, strengthen the soft options, soften the hardness of heart, break the stubbornness, join the broken dreams, speak the unspeakable, kill the hatred and vengeance, and to be born as a new being as the sun begins to shine on me tomorrow. Every day brings in new hope, just as every new year brings in new hope that we have still some more time to hold ourselves accountable for the world that we live in, and maybe this day next year, we will be able to stand before time with a little more confidence that we are a little better than the last year!

A Weighty Matter

Observing the different kinds of people who frequent airports and who hang around the domestic and international terminals is quite an interesting phenomenon. It is quite amazing to notice that most of the people who frequent air trips are generally large in size, both men and women, and if I were to make an approximate proportion of oversized men and women who emerge out of the glass gates, it would be about 50 per cent. From among the rest of the 50 per cent, about 25 per cent could be categorised as the undersized, and only about 25 could be termed optimum size according to their height. Naturally we have devised a formula of optimum body mass in proportionate to the height, and that is how many of us could be fooled by these calculations, while we ourselves may feel that we are not enjoying the comfortable weight, and that we have to either shed weight or gain some, and that takes much of our time and energy.

I leave it to psychologist and dieticians to tell us how we gather more body mass than we should have; and slimming and trimming industry is the next boom that our metros witness, and there is suddenly a mad rush to keep ourselves trim and fit. There are all sorts of gadgets and machines available to bring us to the natural body mass that we should have otherwise, and we need to empty our coffers, besides shedding the extra fat, and the extra inches that we may have been walking with. Some of us even become so very comfortable being obese and extra large in size that they don’t consider it a problem, and they may even feel good about it.

I know my mind is quick in arriving at some mad conclusions, and I am sure there may be some who may vehemently oppose such conclusions. Nevertheless let me state just a couple of them, in order to wet the appetite of a few who might want a taste of my conclusions. After being born and brought up in a village for about 20 years, I realise that very few, if not none, are over-sized; out of one hundred you may be lucky to find one or two persons who could be called obese. In fact such a concept did not exist then, and there the matters of comparison was often between the moderately sized and the undersized. People by and large were and enjoy good health, and there are very little chances for one to indulge in overeating and let the fat spread all around the weistline, and present a different look. In the city, the situation is quite different; the ratio that I had mentioned above could be close to truth. One might whisper that it all depends on the life-style of the families. Even the children who go to school gain excessive body weight already at an early age. But beyond the life-style theorem, there is a fact that one person’s gaining excessive weight implies another person’s losing that much weight.

I don’t plead that someone should buy my conclusion, especially the above one, namely one person’s excessive body weight implies another person’s under weight. My conclusion, if we may call it so, is based on the notion that the universe we live maintains certain amount of balance, equinomity, and often it is disturbed by one of the most notorious of species, the homo sapiens sapiens. And we are the cause of so much of imbalance all around us. In fact, the imbalance in our universe that is brought about by human beings is just an indication of the imbalance and degradation that had befallen us, and now it is too late for us to escape from it. What can I do to maintain my body fit, so that I don’t become a prey to the modern ailments! One can notice that many of the diseases that we bother about so much were non-existent some years ago. So, where do I stand, and how do I keep myself fit for the world?

Today I will take a few minutes for myself and think about my body weight; do I feel I am over-weight or under-weight, or just the optimum weight. However here I would make a little correction to what the physician or therapist or even a dietician may say about the weight. What is most important is that one feels comfortable about it, and feels at ease to carryout one’s works. Do I feel at ease with my body mass? If I feel so, then I don’t need to worry too much about what the therapists may say. It is the law of the universe that some trees grow a little taller and bigger than others, and one cannot complain about the other. I also today realise that I don’t need to exert myself very much in order to maintain a healthy body, and mind. Let me return to my sources, and just be what a villager would normally be, and I will start noticing something beautiful happening in my body and in my society at large.

Breaking the Benign

If we term a group of animals as ferocious, often we see that there is no greater ferocious animal than the human beings; it is only men and women who can be very ruthless, and heartless. Some are so hard hearted that nothing can move them. And that is a tragedy that is responsible for so much of terror and bloodshed in our world. We blame the circumstances, and even point an accusing finger at the up-bringing, but more than all, we cannot but blame the new-age value system, which still believes in survival of the fittest and the fastest (imagine the notion of speed that is at the helm of all present day advancements!). Anything can be dispensed with in order to soar high in the business ladder or to achieve the targeted goals. That includes even the life of innocent men and women, the voiceless, deaf-dumb-mute human beings, who cannot be given the dignity that befits them.

Three days ago, we got the news that one of our companions was going through a minor depression, and felt lonely. Some of the past events and incidents had aggravated a sense of loss and insecurity in him, that led him to think that he was not worthy of being what he had been for the past thirty years. He was in tears when he narrated to me how some of our friends had humiliated him in public, without even the least qualms of conscience. That this friend of mine could go to such a situation was something that I could not imagine. So some of our friends began to call him up to boost his morale and bring him back to a feeling that he was wanted and his past efforts to contribute to the institution he was attached to was worth its while. One of his regrets was that no one acknowledged how much he had given himself to build the institution where he had been for the past fourteen years. Instead of some good words, there were brickbats and accusations that chased him to take recourse in brooding and finally to minor depression.

It was quite surprising for me to hear from a close associate of mine, who said that one friend had told him, that the man undergoing depression was in fact feigning. Another important friend warned me not to give undue importance to him. I found it extremely difficult to understand how crude and hard we could be in the judgment of our companions. Many of us at sometime or other go through such moments when we feel that all our efforts were in vain, and it would be better to move out to some other place where we may at least be noticed. If I cannot be sympathetic towards my neighbor, how much of sympathy can I expect from others when I am in trouble? We all of us wish to be treated fairly, and is it not just that we too treat others in the same measure?

I am quite convinced that there are times in the life of persons, when we need to go across the boundaries of familiarity, friendship, relationship and legalities. When the very life of a person is at stake, we cannot afford to bargain with mean and silly issues and things. If we think that the life of a person can be sacrificed in order to prove a point right or wrong, then the time may not be far off for us to bear the consequences of such a notion. The modern society has taught us to be tough with ourselves and with the outside world, even encouraging us to be strict with our feelings and emotions. No wonder many of us turn out to be more of machines than lively human persons. That is where the danger lies; if we cannot look at others as an extension of myself, all my philosophies and world wisdom will be of no value. I am called primarily to be human, fully human, fully alive.

Today I take a few moments from my busy life, to quieten myself and enter into my inner self to look at the corners where I still carry certain amount of stones that can break a soul and shed blood. Let me look at them, and see them slowly transformed into soft, gentle wool. Let me also look in my mind all the people whom I had treated with ruthlessness and made them realize that they were not wanted, and deep down feel sorry for such moments. I also will think about the moments when I could have reacted differently to people and incidents, instead of going by the letters of the law. Let me see that the brother and sister whom I ill-treat or mis-treat is my extension, and they too demand the dignity that I claim for myself. It may not be possible that I am transformed into a different being in a day or two, but if I am aware that I have a heart that is capable of turning men and women into beasts, then there are chances that one day I may truly be able to enter into the shoes of others, and truly empathise with them. And that is the moment of self-victory for me!

Embracing my Shadows (M5)

Father Joe Kunnumpuram of Atmadarshan in Patna, India, has proposed a new way of getting rid of past painful memories, which he calls it as Awareness Meditative Relaxation (AMR) therapy, using which one can try to get out of the memories. After going through the therapy I felt that it may not be entirely scientific and psychological and there are a lot of loopholes in the design of the therapy, but what is important here is that a person with painful memories is led to re-live that experience, and feel the pain, humiliation and shame to the maximum level possible, and feel the bodily reaction to such zenith of pain and shame; then they are led to relax their bodies, until they experience a different kind of bodily sensation, and that may make a lot of difference in the way the memories may appear to them. The method that is proposed here is the one of embracing one’s shadows, instead of running away from them. This is based on the common notion that we give power to the people or things we are frightened of. Let us delve a little deep into this mystery, that may help us take control over ourselves.

It is not enough to recognize a shadow in me, or an enemy wandering in the woods of my heart and often frightening me, putting me to shame and humiliation that I feel often annoyed and irritated with my colleagues for no reason. Our journey to freedom surely begins with recognition, but we cannot stop there; that is just the beginning of the journey, we need to move ahead. The second and more important stage is embracing the shadows, until a moment when I cannot see them as something or someone there outside of me, but something that is part of me. I can control that which is in me or within me, but may not be able to do the same when it is out of me. It is important that we embrace the shadows, instead of settling scores with them. The very word embrace carries with it sentiments of empathy, compassion and a lot of understanding. I am not to blame myself or any one else for the painful memories that I am still carrying; not even myself is fully responsible for what had happened. That is how things had taken place, and I or others had no control over it.

Therefore my concern here and now is how I am going to get out of them peacefully and amicably, without picking quarrels with any one for what had happened. No blame game can bring peace and tranquility in my heart and cure me fully of the memories. This part of the exercise concerns me and only me, here I do not need to seek any kind of help or assistance from others. In simple terms, here I am to recognize the memories and tell myself that I or others had no control over what had happened, but now I would like to get out of these of my own accord. This incident has caused a lot of pain and shame in my life, and has become my second self or nature, so I wholeheartedly accept it as myself and incorporate it into my life.

Much of the time we are not able to get out of these memories, because we often see others as responsible for what had happened, and therefore we cannot forgive them. We carry a lot of hatred and vengeance for them, whether they are dead or alive, whether they are living nearby or far away, whether they are in friendly terms or not in talking terms. Embracing our shadows necessarily means that for the sake of my peace, I need to let the other persons go free; but I am not giving them a clean chit, telling they are not responsible for what had happened, but I only let them go, because I want my peace again. This is more difficult in the case of people who had gone through a horrifying incident many many years ago. It may take quite some time for these people to heal all those years slowly and steadily. But if the process begins, we can take it for granted that the journey is half done.

How do I begin to embrace my shadows? Every shadows have their brighter side too. Let me not start with the shadows from their darker side, rather let me begin from the brigher side. If you look at a candle, you will see that there is darkness just below the candle, but just above the shadow, there is light. Let me find at least one good point about the person involved in my painful memory; if I am able to see more than one good point which I would generally admire, then I stay with that quality for a while, when I feel somewhat happy about the person. Let me be clear that I am not justifying whatever he/she had done, nor am I letting that person go scot free; I am only readying to free myself from his/her clutches. Let me dwell on the good quality of the person/s as long as I can, and see how much body feels about the person; sometimes it is possible that the very thought of the person repels me, in which case I will have to let my mind get hold of something that may positively bring my mind to think about his/her good qualities. Let me look at his/her face, speak to him/her, and listen too. Now, let me not immediately jump into looking at the darker side of the event / incident. I finish the exercise there, and you may think that I have not completed the exercise. But that has been done purposely, so that my mind may linger on what I had been thinking about, and it may have an invisible effect on me.

Painful Publicity Plan (M4)

Believe it or not, one of the best things that painful memories are terribly frightened of is publicity, in the best sense of the word. The more a memory is shared, the less effective it becomes, and slowly it may even have a natural death. You may find it hard to believe, but I have seen that the more I began to safeguard certain secret painful memories, they only began to exert more power and control over me, until one day when I had to surrender myself to their dominion. But the very moment, when I started to share these memories with certain people, the memories slowly faded away, until one day when I was fully freed from their control. However, the process of getting out of the seeming insecurity by releasing the painful memories for public consumption may make us nervous and ever uneasy, but the joy of care-fronting them can make a lot of difference in the way we handle such memories.

Anyone who has gone through some bitter memories in the past is sure to agree with me that we all wish to treasure these memories, and would seldom like to indulge in sharing about them with a close friend or associate. According to the seriousness and severity of the memories, our efforts to safeguard them from public knowledge will differ. We may not like to share with even the best of friends and associates those events in the past that involved tremendous amount of shame and humiliation. We cannot disclose certain aspects of our lives to anyone on earth. In fact these memories add a lot of burden to our already heavily-laden psychological luggage. We also feel that we cannot throw some of this baggage, even when we know we can live a peaceful, joyful life without carrying this unnecessary baggage. Some of us are happy to carry these needless burdens until we reach our graves, and a few of us even carry them to the coffins. Maybe today we can make a little effort to get rid of these painful memories, because we cannot be happy without being divorced from them.

Three things happen when we disclose a highly guarded secret painful memory to a trustworthy friend or senior person: one, the memory loses its hold on us, two, we give just the worth the memories deserve, and are in a sense begin to free ourselves from their control, and three, we realize that we can jolly well be happy without carrying them on our hearts. But you may wonder, to whom could I go and confide about these memories, the very thought of which brings a shiver in me, and I dread thinking, leave alone sharing, about them. If I am frightened of talking about it to someone, then at least let me give hints to the other / others that I had an event in the past that had shaken up my life. And if I find a suitable moment has come for me to “throw” out the bitter memories, then it would do me good, if I am able to do that.

Here the focus is not the other person; in fact the other person has no serious role to play, but to act as the sound board; he/she may or may not say anything to me after I narrate the event in great detail. But the focus here is myself; even if the other person is partly deaf and blind, it does not matter, so long he/she is able to respond to me adequately well. At the end of narrating the memories, I may find myself sweating… (depending on the gravity of the memory), and that is one of the natural ways how the earth ejects the unwanted elements, not merely the sweat, but also the memories. The other person need not give you a long lecture on what you should have done or what others should have done; that is not the intention of this chitchat. They may something or not; what is important is I am able to pour myself out to the other person, and that may lighten up my heart.

So, here is my assignment for the day: first let me bring before my eyes the one or two most painful memories that keep haunting me night and day, and think of one or two persons, who truly love and care for me, and with whom I can stand stark naked, without a bit of shame or fear. These people are the kind who would accept me as I am, unconditionally. Whether it is a male or female, young or old, I need not worry; ultimately what they will say in return to my open-heart sharing is not as important as how I am able to clear the bin. The stench may be unbearable for me, but I know that the other person who is listening to me is entering into my memory to clean my heart and make me whole again. Once I have shared my painful memories for the first time, let me experience the burden light and an ease in my heart, which I had not experienced in the past few years, ever since the event took place. But let me also remind myself that this is not the end of my disclosure of the events; I may come across a few more people with whom I may be able to open up myself, and openly and frankly pour out myself. After a few times of sharing about them, I am sure to realize that it is within my power and authority to live with them or to bid adieu forever.

On the Lap of Universe

I realise how hard it is for us to flow with time and space, when we have our pre-planned schedules, and wish they go as we imagined it to be. When something contrary takes place, we feel nature has betrayed or circumstances have robbed us of the pleasure of our wishes taking wings. It is harder to accept when we have stacked programs one after another, and if there is one little program which falls off the stack, then the entire program falls flat, and we feel it a betrayal by nature. But if only we can let our next hour and next day be taken care of by the infinite time and space, then we feel secure! I had felt it in my bones that it is better to keep my heart open to alternative plans, when I get things organized for a program. Let me illustrate how I had learnt this lesson through the hard way, but I don't regret for it.

All my plans were set, and I had informed well ahead of time about my plans for the next three months; I had even planned days much before time, and as the days approached, I saw all my plans crumble one by one. Initially I was a bit taken aback, and even annoyed with the people who let my schedule crumble, but after a little while realised I cannot be the master of the situation. I should have the agility and ability to flow with the situations, whatever be its nature. But once I had re-programmed my mind to be prepared for any eventuality, I realised that I did not collapse when further fall took place. I could take them with a smile.

There is an inborn tendency in me to expect my plans to work out well, come what may. I would not care even if there is a loss to some one, because my plans worked out to the last letter; there is selfishness in all my plans, and I wish the whole world revolved round my little world. I want to be the centre of the universe, and want all of them to encircle me, protect me, shield me from all that is destructive. But I also imagine what would happen if all the human beings thought the same way. There could only be chaos. If there is no chaos, it is because there is a vast majority of people, who would bear all consequences, in order to keep a few millions happy. They would let their worlds crumble, so that the well-planned schedules of the mighty may stand. But unfortunately nature does not look if one is a mighty or a mean; all of them have to bear the consequences of humanity's biggest crime, self-centredness.

I realise there is a joy in floating with time and space; the whole world is at my disposal, and the whole blue sky is my home, and there are no boundaries, no divisions, no no-man's land, and no wire-fence. I am free as I was born, as I should be. The whole world is my home; night and day merge in the eternal time, as I float leisurely. I am the master of my universe in this space-time continuum. The joy that originates in such a continuum cannot be compared to the worldly happiness. I would like to imagine as if I am an eagle, which would venture into the thickest cloudsest on a stormy day, without fear. The frightening thunder and lightening may forebade me, but I am my own master. If I have to enter into such a world of sheer pleasure, then I need to give up my space and time notions and concepts. I cannot fly in the sky as the clock strikes twelve! The heart has a clock that is quite different from the temporal and spatial notions. And entering in there is heaven for sure.

Today I would like to pause for a while and think of the plans and schedules I had made for the next one week. I would like to see how adamant I am to hold fast to my schedules; Let me close my fist tightly, holding tight my schedules, plans, preparations for tests, examinations, interviews, and release the fist slowly, breathing out slowly. Let the universe take hold of me, instead of I trying to control the universe. Because the law of the universe are quite contrary to our earthly values. When I am under the control of the universe, I am my own master, for it is a joy for a mother to let her child explore the world around, and when I am on the lap of the mother universe, I have nothing to worry. She cannot afford to let me lose my face!

Sacred Salaam!

Sometimes I do feel it would have been better if I had a choice to voluntarily choose Christ. It is not that I have less respect for the gods of other religions; I have great respect for every spiritual being, because I am convinced that the fundamental principle that unites them is the same, and that goes beyond any religious coloring. For a person who is in search for the deeper principles which govern the universe, all religions are alike, however there are certain facets of a religious tradition which may attract one to it rather than to another. It is like a buffet meal, where you are presented with several dishes, and you may like only one particular dish, and after eating a little of it, you might feel your heart (and also your stomach) is full. But you have not said that other dishes are not as good as this one, and it is not possible for you to taste them all either. But you are happy to have what you like.

If someone were to ask me, what has Christ done to me - I am sure I will have something to say, something from the very personal angle, which one may accept or not! I am not much interested in the controversy between the Jesus of history and the Christ of faith, but would like to limit myself to what has Christ done to me, in my little life! Strangely Jesus has helped me to get out of the boundaries of the religious circle that had surrounded me all these years. The religion of Christ is a universal religion where all men and women of goodwill can find fulfilment. Christianity is an institution, which has the basic tenets of the teachings of Christ, but has over the years solidified the principles, and have become sacro sanct to them. But Christ goes beyond all religions, and in a sense he was the first humanist, who truly promoted humanism, based on fraternal charity and love!

Jesus has helped me to look at my neighbor in whom lies my salvation, fulfilment and the attainment of my aspirations. It is a call to community living, and he had taught it by example, living with people of different temperaments, different walks of life. I would like to imagine what three years of life with a terrorist (Simon the zealot), public servant (Matthew the tax-collector), agnostic (Thomas), man of temper (Peter), greedy and money-minded (Judas), innocent and too young (John), simple fishermen would have been, but at the end they were transformed men, who could think beyond their narrow peripheries! It appears that at the end, all these men were one in mind, and one in heart. That was the magic of living with Christ has done, and that reckons me to take side with him to transform me as he had done with his apostles!

Jesus was a medicine-man par excellence, for he treated people not based on symptoms, but based on the root causes, which prompted the illness. I tend to believe that those who were cured by Jesus might not have been sick again, because he went to the roots, and once the roots are healed, there is very little for the sickness to surface. He had medicine for all illnesses, most often to psychological and spiritual diseases too. In fact he understood that most of the sicknesses are related to the spheres of psychology or spirituality, and not so much to the body. Today we need to spend thousands of ruppes to diagnose the illnesses that huant us, but being an ace medicine-man, Jesus know what troubled people, just by looking at their faces. If only our doctors today have that ability, many lives of the poor and unaffordables could be saved.

But more than all, Jesus was the revolutionary, who reversed the age-old traditions which kept the human person bound with chains. He freed them from the clutches of tradition and conventions, and breathed in fresh air. He could be called truly a liberator, who placed realistic demands on his disciples, and demands which may even cost them their lives, but with the hope that it is all worth. He is a task-master who likes to push the student to the maximum limits of his/her capacity, but with love and compassion. He was the strange mixture of a demanding and a loving person, who valued people based not on what they had, but what they were, and that is the reason why all people were equal before him. Today I pay my humble tribute to this great person, who has made ripples in my life, and I continue to feel its vibrations as I continue to cherish what he is to me!

Protesting the Penury

Two incidents of two different sorts, and I was involved, at least remotely with them. I was reminded of the fact that I could be so easily taken for a ride, taken as a gullible! Morning one of the police officers came to our house for the verification for passport, and took home rupees one thousand from two of my friends; he was sure shameless, and more than him we were shameless too to part with such an amount of money, in order to avoid dire consequences, of the passport receipt delay indefinitely, and getting into unnecessary trouble. We wanted to avoid getting into trouble by paying an hefty bribe to the government servant. We had no voice to say no to him, leave alone protest his illegal and illegitimate behavior. I wondered if we are not the ones who create thieves, bandits, criminals and terrorists? We give them asylum in order to save our own skin, and are happy that nothing untoward can happen to us. We build castles in the air, and wish to remain there up in the sky, without any link to the situations we live in.

Through out the day, I was disturbed by the shouting of a group of men and women just outside our office, and I was quite annoyed about it. So after dinner, I had taken a stroll to find out who they were and what they were shouting for. I thought there would be about 10 to 15 men standing around the microphone and shouting slogans, but when I reached the spot, I was surprised to see about 200 men and a few women in front of a government office. Needless to say it was a protest meeting, and the whole day they had been trying to protest something which the management might have imposed on them. It was 8.30 pm, and the men were there to fight for their cause. There were some politically oriented leaders raising their voice each time the audience started to clap. Protest! Often we are frightened of protesting, lest even the little privileges we get should be stopped. And that is what gives the other party courage to continue the exploitation.

I remember someone saying, if you are not with the victim, then you are with the victimizer; if you are not with the exploited, then you are in the company of the exploiters. Unfortunately there is no in-between; you need to take your sides. We would very much like to sit on the fense, so that we are not accused or targeted by either of the groups, but fortunately we have to make a choice. In either way, we are challenged and questioned, if not by the people around, but at least by our conscience. In everything we do, we wish to be secure; we will not desire that the peace and security that we enjoy be ever disturbed. We would not mind even the silence of the cemetery, rather than the vibrant noise of protest marches. As soon as when a little trouble crops up, we wish to hush things up, and live in relative peace. But today we may ask ourselves what is real peace.

Protest basically invites us to take a side, often challenging us to take the side of the victims. It is in fact, the acid test for our conscience and impartiality. If we truly love justice and peace, then we cannot take the side of the people who are determined to give a decent burial to peace initiatives. Protest also demands something more than what I can normally offer. The consequences of protests are frightening, especially for the people who wish to live a peaceful life. If you are going to protest against injustice caused not only to you, but to others as well, then you are in for trouble. I remember a time many years ago, when walking along fruit stalls in Chennai, I passed by a foreigner buying fruits, and the shopkeeper demanding about rupees one hundred and fifty instead of rupees thirty five. Since the foreigner did not know the local language, he was about to give the amount. I happened to see the scene, and told the foreigner in English that he needed to give only rupees thirty five. The shopkeeper was furious; he began to curse me, telling me what it mattered to me! I walked away quickly from the spot.

I look at the different incidents that had taken place today, and the many people I had come in contact with; surely there will be several instances when I had kept quiet not to disturb the peace around, either in the family or in the office. Let me recall to mind, just one moment when I needed to have protested, but had kept quiet. Maybe I was too frightened of the consequences; but today let me become aware of such moments, so that even if I have to keep myself quiet when blatant violation to justice is done, I may be aware that that is not what I have to do; not merely for the sake of my own welfare, but more for the welfare of humanity. All great men and women of yesteryears had raised their voice against injustice and had paid a huge price. Am I prepared at least to become conscious of my inability to protest?

Harken the Physician (M3)

Often in life we are aware of the ailments that drown us, and we may even be aware of the remedies that can bring our health to perfection once again, but the problem is invariably taking recourse to the treatment, which involves medicines. There are a large section of people, especially those who live in far-flung villages of a nation, where people believe in the miraculous power of medicine that they will not be healed until they are administered medicines. So the local physicians have devised a method of helping them heal themselves. There were people who gave them vitamin tablets for most of their psychosomatic illnesses, and sure enough they got well soon. Those who believed that they cannot get well without an injection, were given an injection containing nothing but sterilized water. So, we may ask ourselves what caused healing of these people, the medicine given them or they themselves? Sure it was they themselves who have cured themselves. The second question that we may ask is : were they sick at all?

Carrying an unwanted bitter memory is an illness that can be equated to cancer; just like cancerous cells keep spreading gradually, so also a painful memory can slowly eat up one’s life spirit and energy, and ultimately can even throw him/her to the throws of death. We have seen that often in life, we carry with us memories that cannot be easily gotten rid of; they are like our shadows which walk with us until we breathe our last. But if we are frightened of shadows, there is a way – to hide in darkness, so that we do not allow shadows to stand before or after us. The second alternative is to avoid the source of light and remain in a bigger shade, like the shade of a tree or a building. In the latter case, our mighty little shadow may be absorbed by the mighty shadow.

Let us consider the second solution to avoid con/care-frontation with our shadows – remember that I am using the shadows to refer to our painful memories! There is so much similar between our shadows and painful memories; both can be frightening and intimidating, and they can throw us into nightmares and sleepless nights. We could pause for a while and just close our eyes and briefly recollect the painful memory that we have gone through. The greater shadow that can possibly give us some consolation is what could have taken place, beyond what had actually happened. In other words, we have been spared from the worst; worse things could have happened! Just think of it and see in the mind, what worse thing could have happened to me; I have lost something substantial, but all is not lost! I still have myself to put back the things that I have lost.

Another great shadow that can make my shadow negligible is to think of persons who have gone through similar painful experiences in life, or even worse situations; if they were able to get back to life, can I not overcome this comparatively smaller mess? Often the memories appear mighty big, because we look at them in isolation, and not in comparison with those of others. Most of the time we would realize that our experience had been far simpler and less painful than others; in many cases we have been spared from the most horrendous experiences, and should I not be grateful to God for this kindness?

So let me close my eyes for a while and recollect in my mind the persons who have suffered for more loss and pain than I have gone through; what is my suffering and pain in comparison with these people who have lost something that can never be repaired! If I have lost one leg in an accident, let me think of a person who has lost both the legs; should I not be grateful to my stars for sparing me one leg at least, so that I can still walk on the face of the earth? If I keep doing this exercise, it will not take me too long to realize that I cannot complain about my little pain or suffering, while there are people who had suffered more loss and pain, and have been able to revert back to life, like a spring that shoots back to its natural stage, after being left. Let me see my painful memory and the corresponding incidents that had caused in relation to and comparisons with more painful memories of other people, whom I know. There I can see a silver line shining brightly!

Silent Stormed Night

Just a couple of days ago, one of my friends sent me a computer-painted picture of a star shining brightly and a lone lilly plant with its blooming buds looking faintly at the star. And the caption read, "Silent Night, holy Night, / All is calm, all is bright... The present is just the opposite. Still... we hope for a better 2009". Naturally the sender is a young poet-artist, and she captured the spirit of Christmas as we are about to enter into festivities. There seems to be a lot of festivities, celebrations and fun, but deep down there seems to be a sense of foreboding, a fake smile worn on our lips, cakes to fill our mouths, so we don't mouth curse on the world we are in, and carols to turn our minds to yester years, however bad they had been...

We are on the threshold of yet another Christmas, and peace is something that is hard to find, and the birth of Jesus is primarily associated with the birth of peace in the world. Remember the song of the angels at the birth of the divine child, 'peace on earth to all people of goodwill'! But I wonder if the angels would sing the same song, if the divine savior were born today! Times have changed, and humanity is no more the same. It may be hard to find people of goodwill in our cities and towns. Peace has become the biggest casualty of our times, and it comes with a big price, which we cannot afford to. In fact, we are too frightened of peace, because it often heralds the beginning of yet another onslaught on innocent men and women! Peace has become the most dreaded thing that we can ever think of!

Silence? It is hard to find. We cannot keep quiet even for a while, and so have to switch on our Ipods and mobile phones to drown ourselves in a world of noise, so that even by mistake we do not hear the yearnings of our human heart. Silence is frightening, and we dare not enter into silence, leave alone experience it in our bones! The carol that we had been singing joyously all these years, Silent night, holy night..., has become a song full of paradoxes! But see how the origin of this song too is riddled with paradoxes : The origin of the Christmas carol we know as Silent Night was a poem that was written in 1816 by an Austrian priest called Joseph Mohr. On Christmas Eve in 1818 in the small alpine village called Oberndorf it is reputed that the organ at St. Nicholas Church had broken. Joseph Mohr gave the poem of Silent Night (Stille Nacht) to his friend Franz Xavier Gruber and the melody for Silent Night was composed with this in mind. The music to Silent Night was therefore intended for a guitar and the simple score was finished in time for Midnight Mass. Silent Night is the most famous Christmas carol of all time! (from http://www.carols.org.uk/silent_night.htm). I wish to invite Joseph Mohr today to rewrite this poem, applying it to our situation! How would he do that?

In fact, the world is no more the same as the one that our parents and grand parents had seen and experienced. The blame for killing silence, brightness and calmness goes to us, each one of the present generation. No one can be excused from this responsibility. And yet we wish to sing aloud in unison this great carol! Why? We grope in darkness, and search for that silver lining. We might have lost the golden silence, and the brightness of the shining star, and the calmness of the heart, and yet each Christmas brings tidings of hope, and that is what keeps us going, and that is what keeps us singing aloud Silent night, holy night...

Today I would like to think of the people in Nandigram, who have not heard of a silent night in the recent past... the exchange of gun firing had dotted the silence that they long for. I re-member the little children, branded as adult labourers, languishing in dark alleys and factories, looking for a silver lining, so that they can seen that the world is not as dark as they experienced, or imagined it ot be, those men and women in Orissa who look forward to a day when there will not be violence and bloodshed in the name of religion and caste. Today I would like to light a little candle thinking of all these people, and as I light the candle, I would like to break the silence with words of hope for the people around me! Maybe my storming the silence of the Christmas night may bring warmth in the hearts of at least a handful of people. And the celebration of Christmas is worth, even if I am able to light that little candle of hope....

On being called an X!

I have been quite intrigued for quite some years now, how and why Christmas is called Xmas! My mathematics teacher in the school days had said that x refers to the unknown number that is yet to be known. I was quite curious to explore the reasons how this so-called abbreviation came to be. After googling my way for a while, I realise that it is a mystery, just as the birth of Jesus was a mystery. One of the Internet sites http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xmas has some explanations on the origin of the abbreviation, but that is not much convincing. The authors suggest that the word/abbreviation xmas is in vogue for the past 1000 years, whether you believe it or not. But that is immaterial whether it has been in use for long years or for a short while now, what is more important is that we have come to replace Christ with the single letter x, and if we look at this seemingly innocuous abbreviation with a magnifying glass, we may find amazing and bright images, which say about the nature of this divine person, who had come into the world and pitched his tent.

I had already begun one aspect, which although intriguing, is also interesting. Jesus was and is still today a mystery, the so called x, we use in algebra. We cannot find the value of x, without the help of other components, which make the whole. Without the value of x, the sum total remains incomplete and inaccessible! The unknown and the yet-to-be-known keeps us on our toes to unravel the mystery number. There is a lot of hope in us, even the students who cannot make out, hope to find the number out. There is a certain amount of thrill in the discovery too! Now, to a person who is a seeker of truth, the x (implying here Christ) makes all the meaning. We also know that the x cannot remain all the time the unknown, it has to be revealed, and that responsibility is with us. It may be interesting if the x were to jump out of our hats and give a self-manifestation, but the joy in discovering the unknown is far more than the former.

The letter x is also used widely and universally to denote the wrong and the unusable. When I show my sum to the teacher and if she puts a x (significantly we call it a cross), i know I was not right. Unfortunately we have not devised anything that is between a tick mark and the cross. Therefore when we see the sign x, we know that we are in the wrong track. In fact the mystery of the incarnation of Christ is the height of stupidity; God unnecessarily volunteers to dirty his hands. S/he is in the wrong place; maybe a different planet with different kind of creatues might have responded differently. Whose mistake is it anyway? Ours or God's? Of course, it is God's. Why did he leave the heavens and come to be born in a manger? Is it not foolishness?

We use the same x to denote not fit or unsuited. When we see the cross mark on the letter P, we know that no parking is permitted. If we continue with the allegory, we realise that x takes possession of the p, and does not permit anyone else to trespass. When we mark a bottle of medicine with an x, it implies that it is not for use; the medicine consumes as it were, its own content, so that others may not have to bear the consequences. Does it not happen in the same way in the birth of Jesus? At the gateway to earth, Jesus places an x to ward off the other forces that may try to enter in to cause conflict and division. But when men go out to meet and befriend the enemy, the x permits them. Now tell me, is the x given to Christ an abomination? In fact, the single letter x summarises the nature and mission of Christ so succinctly than any other letter of the alphabet can. Even the greek first and last letters alpha and omega cannot compete with the benign x!

There is a bit of x in all of us, irrespective of our religious affiliations, caste, creed, nationality and langugage. There are two areas that keep shifting to and fro : the known part of myself and the unknown area. Johari window has been opening up new vistas for us to recognise and improve on. There is an area in each of our lives, which is a mystery to ourselves and others, and until we discover these hidden treasures, we may be submerged in our own misery. I would like to sit quietly for two minutes, and delve deep into my inner recesses, to find the areas still kept hidden from the view of myself and the world outside. It may not be possible that I unravel these areas in a day, but I can make an effort to slowly open the sheaths and find out who I truly am; if I realise that I am a child of God, worthy of love and care, that can make a lot of difference in the world. Is it not time, therefore that I too affix the letter x before my name?

Rightfully Resilient (M2)

If there was one word that the private television channels kept harping on during the 72 hours of siege of the Hotel Taj and the other landmarks of Mumbai, it was resilience. Every time when terror and horror stuck many of the Indian cities, they forgot the terrifying moments and soon after returned to their humdrum reality. They could not afford to be bogged down by these stray incidents to dampen their spirit. It was said that the people of Mumbai were fed up of the word and did not want to think about it; at least that was how many of the firebrand tele-reporters harked from in front of the hotel that only millionaires could frequent. It is not for us to decide if the Mumbaikars should have been resilient like the people of other cities, like the daily commuters of Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, which also bore the brunt of the terrorist attacks. While the daily wage earners could recoil back, the high society brooded over, if they should return to their daily routines. But that was resilience from a different angle.

If we look at nature we cannot but marvel at the magic and miracle encircling this enchanting planet and the universe at large. If you have had the fortune of lying down on a lawn in a remote village on a fullmoon day, and gazing at the movement of the moon, and the whole court of the stars twinkling in the sky. It is a treat for the eyes. Scientists often frighten the people saying how the earth is on the verge of a collision with another star or planet, and that would be the end of the earth, and of humanity. But very often such comments are proved to be far from truth; it does not require great wisdom and knowledge to assume that such things cannot easily take place in the universe, because the earth has its own system of reverting back to its normal existence; in other words, resilience is another name for the magic of the world we live in.

Having drowned by my painful memories, today I would like to turn my attention to this vast universe, in which the earth is but a tiny dot. If I sit quietly and concentrate on the millions of things that have been automated by a powerful force, so that the earth knows its orbit and would move accordingly. The sun would do its revolution, and so are the stars. The sun does not fail to move, nor does the earth. I would like to think of a day when I get up in the morning and don’t find the sun to greet me; and an evening when I don’t see the moon taking her rounds, to guard her children sleeping in the open, showing them the way. See the way a tree keeps growing, never getting tired of her growth, nor refusing the bear fruits because she is too old to yield. Or look at the birds of the air and the animals of the jungle, each one is a miracle, and no one gives up after a great tragedy strikes. They all revert back to their earlier existence. Turning a new leaf is nothing new to them.

But unfortunately that is something new for us all. We cannot forget things, events, and persons who have caused great damage to us. Forgiving and forgetting are the impossibilities that is written in the diaries of most of us. But sincerely speaking, is it because we are incapable of returning back to our earlier life, after a great tragedy strikes us? Is there something blocking us from returning to our lives as it was before. I might sound rather pessimistic and negative if I were to say that often we have a passive pleasure in holding on to these painful memories. We would not like to give them up, because there is an aspect of self-pity and a sense of loss, from which we think we can gain a lot of psychological satisfaction.

Today while walking along the road, I came across a dog, which had a leg, which had been partly hanging from its knee. Probably about two inches of the bone had been broken and now healed; it walked joyfully without complaining, or moaning over the great act of cruelty that a human person would have caused. I would like to go out of my four walls to open field or ground, to look around, not so much the lifeless walls made of cement and mortar and bricks, but look at trees, birds, insects, the clouds, the sun and the moon… and the people around me! Let me not think anything, but just observe them, and slowly I may hear a voice deep within talking to me. Let me listen to that thin voice; it may have a beautiful message for me! It is specially sent for me. It may come from anyone or anything; even a blade of grass may be able to give me a lesson in resilience. Who knows I may see a small window opening for me to come out of the prison I had put myself into!

Road to be Taken

[Initially conceived as a response to a mail, it is posted hoping it might help someone else too]. I feel you should not much worry about salary or about leave; ultimately what matters is you are able to do what is most required by your province, through your sister. But be open to what your Provincial may decide; in a sense you should be positively indifferent to both the options : to rejoin the school or to continue looking after prenovices. To worry about the leave or salary maybe missing the mark. After all, you have not joined to congregation to earn salary for the congregation.

It will be nice if you just leave the matter to your superiors; it is said that God speaks to us through our superiors (though I suspect it does not happen all the time!), and even if some of them have a bias towards one option rather than the other, leaving the decision to them makes us less anxious. What is most important is that I am not tilted towards one of the two options. If you are in favor of one of the options, and if that does not come through, then you are bound to be drowned in regret, angry with the superiors who made the decision, and ultimately half-hearted carrying out of the decision.

Ultimately I feel you can serve God through both the means, and you can be sure that both are valid means to that end for which you have been created, and joined the congregation. In the Spiritual Exercises, Ignatius of Loyola invites the exercitant to enter into the spirit of indifference to 'inordinate attachments' and he lists three illustrations : neither riches nor poverty, neither sickness nor health, neither short life nor long life, and tells that I am to choose the one which will better suit the end for which I am created. But that is not the end. He continues to exert the exercitant slowly though, to choose the tougher option of the two... to deliberately choose poverty, not only the spiritual poverty (indifferent to riches), but also to voluntarily choose privation.

It may be hard to find which is the tougher option in your case. But if you pause for a while and reflect for a while, you may be able to see for yourself which is the comparatively difficult thing for you to do of the two options. Your heart may be drawn towards one of the options, and there maybe a temptation to move towards it, and find more reasons to support your leaning towards it, even if it may not be the better option in the light of the need of your province or the greater common good. So, if you are able to find which of the two is the softer option, you can consciously and willingly distance yourself from it, and that may make you in a better mental and spiritual disposition to be open to what may better serve common good. About resigning the job, if you can better serve your congregation and people, why not? You should be happy to do it.

Today I pause for a while to spend a few minutes on the softer options that I am drawn to, and wish to become conscious of them. There is nothing wrong in liking one kind of job than another; I may like teaching in a school rather than looking after young girls and shaping their minds for a life-long journey. But it is important that I become aware of it, so that if I am asked to do the other job, which I may not like so much, I may give myself to do it whole heartedly. My happiness is not so much in doing what I very much like to do, but in carrying out the job that others may joyfully entrust to my care. And ultimately if I can give myself fully and unconditionally to the job I am assigned, I am sure to find God in it!

Physician, heal thyself! (M1)

The present-day physicians will pounce on Jesus, if they were told this apparent naïve statement, because it is a known fact in medical circles that self-medication is dangerous, even if it is meant for the physicians themselves. But let us not blame Jesus for this naïve statement, because Jesus is merely quoting the Jewish sacred scriptures. You may blame me, for here I am going to propose a psycho-spiritual method of healing one’s past painful memories. There are no dearths for the different ways and means to get rid of one’s painful memories and start life anew; there are psychological procedures which help a person to heal the wounds gradually through a process of recognizing and embracing the shadows. We shall however start a process of psycho-spiritual healing of these wounds, which might be causing us dearly. But before we embark on that journey, let us realize that the resources for healing of our wounds are there in us all the time. We only need to know how to harness these resources for our inner healing.

There is so much of power and energy all around us that we seldom take note of this fact; there is energy in different forms and shapes, often without form and shape. But there is greater amount of energy that is flowing through our veins, through our mental rays, if I may coin a phrase to mean the invisible rays that flow from one mind to another, through a non-verbal communication; call it telepathy or bi-location, it is possible for human beings to transcend the physical body using the powers that lie dormant in our bodies and make use of them to enter deeper into the psyche of the universe. You may not have much to disagree with me regarding this point, because there are instances when we see for ourselves how the body organizes its cells, its resistance power to heal itself of ailments that normally attack us. There are virus attacks, and complications in the organization of our body parts, and slowly the body adjusts itself and brings into healing. Is it not a wonderful thing that we can be fully healed of stomach aches, headaches, and even some major kind of sicknesses without taking recourse to medicine?

Unfortunately there are no do-it-yourself guides or tutorials as to how we can make use of the powers and energy zones that are available in our bodies, in order to overcome our painful memories. There is no super computer on earth which is as flexible and supple as the worst of human bodies; for while the body is able to carry out mechanical jobs, it also adjusts its mechanism in order to make the best out of the body. Today is the time for me to recognize the energy zones in my body, so that at will I may be able to take recourse to it. But the bad news is no one can tell me for sure where my energy zone is; is it the brain or the heart? Or is it the hands or the feet? And another thing to remember is what is the energy zone for one may not be the same for another. It is for me to realize where it exists in me. The bestseller The Secret has shown us that our body is able to cure itself of cancer, and that too within a short period. It may sound miraculous, but it is a miracle that we too can experience.

The energy zones that reside in me is something very unique to me; I can neither qualify it nor quantify it, because it is beyond my grasp. According to Kundalini yoga, there are energy zones in each of us, and that particular part is supposed to be somewhere near the forehead. We would not enter into a debate as to whether it is scientifically true or not; nor can we deny the ancient wisdom altogether. It would be a futile effort to spend our time and energy on the common energy zone in all of us. We may start with the assumption that this zone may vary from person to person, according to one’s own psyche, formation and upbringing. If it corresponds to each of our nature and behavioral pattern is another area we will look into at the end of the exercise.

Today I would like to take a few minutes to spend in silence. I will find a quiet place anywhere within my reach, in order to enter into inner silence. Surely exterior silence will help me to enter into interior stillness too. After sitting comfortably with my back straight, I will become conscious of my breathing… cool air entering into my nostrils, filling my diaphragm, and warm air coming out. Let me breathe in till my lungs are full, and breathe out slowly and steadily. Let me experience the chest heaving and falling back in place as I breathe in and out. Let it go on for a few minutes. Then let me go to each part of my body, starting from the head down to the toes, relaxing each of the tensed up part. I may tighten up that part and loosen it and experience the part relaxed. When I have covered all the parts, I will realize that my whole body is relaxed. Let me feel life energy flowing through each part of my body; if it helps, I may think of the energy flowing as if it were lightning rays… as it flows it also revitalizes each of the part. Let me remain in that state for a few minutes. This experience is sure to open the floodgates of energy within me, and make it accessible to me, whenever I am in need of it.

Waiting is Wanting

Believe it or not, there is a lot of thrill in waiting, mingled with certain amount of anticipation, colored with a dose of anxiety. Waiting for something new is all the more exciting; for instance waiting to meet a friend about whom I had heard a lot but had never met him/her is something that cannot be adequately expressed by words. We imagine things – long hair or short hair, fair or darkish in complexion, introvert or extravert, jovial or serious, and the list is quite endless. But at the time of meeting, all our expectations and imagination of the person fade into oblivion, and we never recollect what we had imagined. Every waiting has the potential to either put us in sheer joy, or drown us in perpetual sorrow. The longing that we anticipate in waiting for a person, can only be experienced, and it might be hard to verbalise the feelings that accompany the waiting.

Those who had the privilege of being introduced to modern English literature would have come across a play Waiting for Godot, which is included in the category of Absurd Theatre. In fact it would be quite hard to say even a few words about this play, which had brought Beckett to fame in literary circles, because it portrayed reality as we encounter each day; Beckett need not tell us that our lives are full of absurdities, whose meaning and significance we can never fathom. Waiting for Godot is basically about waiting for no one, because Godot does not turn up, and was Godot a real person or just a concept we take it for granted? Those however are questions that literary students can crack their minds with, and we on our part can only say that it was a different kind of waiting, quite contrary to the kind of waiting that we have just mentioned in the first paragraph. You may ask me, but can there be two kinds of waiting in reality? Isn’t reality one and undivided? Every sage worth his/her name in India has said something or other about this undivided non-dualistic (a-dvaita) nature of reality. But let us quickly say that reality is one, however our perceptions can be deceptive, and we may take a rope for snake, and we may blame ignorance (avidya) as the root cause of it all.

Waiting… can be excruciating; there is a sizable amount of anxiety that this waiting arouses in us; what if… is the phrase that keeps flickering in our mind. What if the person does not turn up? What if the train is cancelled? What if something were to happen to my friend who is to come to my home for lunch on the way? It is not easy to put up with these questions, often unrealistic, but the mind does not leave any possibility outside its domain; it is true that it often projects only the worst and we have to fight a fierce battle to complement the mind’s projections. It is often said that it would be better not to expect anything in such moments; expectations are bad, we are told at every important juncture of our life. Don’t expect too big things, because when such things do not happen, you are thrown into pits from where you might find it hard to climb out. But sadly waiting and expectations are wedded to each other, they cannot be separated.

When conducting short sessions or seminars or workshops, sometimes we ask the participants, what do you expect from this session; a good many of them would frankly say their fears, anxieties and apprehensions. But a small group would often say that they don’t have any expectations, and unfortunately such a situation cannot arise. All of us have some expectations or other, positive or negative. In order to hide the negative or destructive expectations, we would cover them up with no expectations. On the other level, we can also realize that we are sometimes not aware of the movements of our heart, the direction of our minds; what it thinks, where it goes, when it returns and who accompanies it.

Today I am going to freeze two minutes from my daily schedule, in order to capture my mind as to what it is thinking about a certain waiting… expectation, that is to take place either today or tomorrow. We often wish to by-pass such waiting or expectations, and try to divert our attention to things which will make us forget about the things that zoom into our selves. But today I am not going to run away, but wish to stand and watch these waiting and expectations cast a magic spell on me. That is reality and I am here to embrace it, without any attempt to run away from it, even if it drowns me into swing of moods. Because I am here to know and understand that behind every waiting and expectations is there a good tiding, a fulfillment, completion of a task assigned. When I begin to stand erect and face reality as it approaches me, I am proving to the world that I am in control over reality, whether it is positive or negative. After all, I cannot forsake my own shadows!

When Work is Worship…

Someone had said, work is worship, and I would add another word at the end of this much used-abused adage : sometimes. That is, work is worship sometimes; but it would be quite erroneous to think that all the time, work can be considered something holy and sacred. After going through three marathon sessions of meetings, each time lasting for about three and half hours, I feel such “work” if I may say so, is far from worship. To put it in other words, what is reasonable and normal, may become something sacred, provided it is carried out with a proper framework of mind. In fact, no work can automatically become holy and sacred unless the “worker” makes a conscious and conscientious effort to make it so. Maybe someone may think that if he/she is a non-believer, how the work can become something holy, since he/she does not believe in the very concept of the sacred. Here we have to expand the meaning of holiness or sacredness that we are used to, in order to include certain amount of authenticity and genuineness to the work being accomplished.

But there are works which are killing and sucking the life energy of people. Generally it is understood that the manual labor is very tiring, slowly draining all the energy of the workers, but we should also realize that sometimes mental works can also be equally killing. We also often hear about the dignity of labor and May first is celebrated all over the world with aplomb, especially by the Marxists, in order to uphold the philosophy that the world belongs to the laborers. Work in order to earn a living is not sufficient in order to make it holy and sacred; we need to go beyond the mere subsistence providing labor. Work can become noble and sacred only when we begin to enjoy the labor, irrespective of the fruits it may produce. It is in other words an art, which comes so very naturally to us.

I would be a laughing stock if I were to suggest this to a villager, who has to work all the daylong in order to earn his daily bread. If he does not work on a particular day, he may starve, or may go to bed with half-stomach. Is it ever possible that this person one day begins to enjoy the work he does, just like an artist is immersed in the painting he/she does, or the singer lost in the world of music? Unfortunately we are involved in so many kinds of works, where drawing enjoyment is a remote possibility. A man exposed to the hot sun throughout the day, cannot enjoy his work; all that he might enjoy is the shade of a tree and a mug of rice soaked in water.

While a good majority of the population may never begin to enjoy their work, a small per centage of the people would take great pleasure in the work they are involved with, even if it is manual labor, and involving a lot of painstaking physical work. For such people, the fruits of the work or the consequence is only secondary; what they are interested in is the sheer joy of getting immersed in the work. Even if the manager were to say that there was not enough money to give his wages, he would still offer his services, because there is a pleasure he might draw from the work, which he cannot get from anything else, not even a peg of beer, or a mug of country liquor.

I would not hesitate to equate the real joy that we may be able to draw from the work we may be involved in, with ananda, the sheer bliss; the formless, nameless joy. It is very much possible for us to enter into such a state of bliss, even if it is for a moment. In fact, it would be hard to sustain such joy and bliss for a long stretch of time; however the joy that we may gain out of the job or work may be able to sustain us for a long time, even after we have shifted gears to some other work, or chores. Therefore today I pause for a moment, in the middle of the work I am busy with… and ask myself how do I feel as I mechanically do this job! Am I cursing my fate for doing such a job, or am I happy to do this? I am happy to do this job, is it because I have to do it, or because I enjoy doing it? Those who enjoy doing their job may not look at their watches five times in fifteen minutes, and they often would realize that the time has passed away too soon. That is the true mark of making our work holy and sacred. If I have a tendency to check the clock too often, to see how soon I would get out of this place, then I need to realize that my work is far from being holy and sacred. And the more I feel the work as a burden, it will keep increasing, until I become too tired of it, and look for alternatives. If I enjoy the work, then there is nothing I should want!

Performance Paranoia

If there is one buzz word that makes its rounds in corporate houses and business centers and management schools, it is achievement. Everything in these centers is geared towards what is better known as 'performance'; naturally a better performance leads to a better achievement. Everyone today is judged on the basis of performance or achievement. While those who perform badly are given a walk-out call, while those who perform well are encouraged to do even better. It is true that in business or in academic circles one does not wish to see the performance graph turn towards the bottom; it has to keep shooting upwards, until it touches the roof. But the magic of the so-called ceiling of these performance will never take place, because of the simple reason that we live in a world where the ceiling is illusive, or to use a computer word, it is virtual. That is why the present day world has created so many burnt-out cases; and each of us wish that we don't land up in that category!

It is pity that there is very little consideration to those who cannot perform well, or cannot produce a brilliant achievement record; they are the losers in the rat-race of the market forces. Often people are reduced to mere machines that can perform without ever getting tired. In fact one of the tragedies of our times is, we are called to perform like machines, without a heart and conscience. If there is corporate gain at the expense of personal loss, that can be considered a viable option. Unfortunately if there are more unhappy people today, it is thanks to the kind of yardstick we have made for ourselves on the basis of performance, achievement.

Everyone in our society is after those who can do well, who can excel; if there are one hundred schools and institutions promoting the causes of the intelligent, brilliant wizards, there may be one or two schools for the losers in the battle. The best brains of the nation are those who would get through the National Eligibility Test or those who get easily through the numerous competitive examinations, and those who will walk through the portals of the Indian Institute of Technology (IIT) and the Indian Institute of Management (IIM). This is the creamy layer, as they are labeled these days. There are all sorts of scholarships awarded to these to excel and strengthen the nation's economy.

Some days ago, I had attended a meeting where the state minister for Minority affairs came to speak about the numerous schemes and scholarships available to the Christians. The basic requirement to avail most of the scholarship is to secure at least 50 per cent marks in the preceding class. But having lived for 4 years in the rural Bengal in the recent past, I know that for most of the rural students without any chance for tuition, securing 50 per cent marks in the school is an impossible situation. In such a situation, I can hardly think of any one in the rural Bengal availing these scholarship. When I raised this issue, the representatives of the ministry said that they cannot do anything about it!

Can anything be done to remedy this situation - when those who perform well are given a boost to climb high in the ladder, while the losers are left for ever to languish in misery. There is a way out: if we can consider not only performance, but also the competence of the students and evaluate them accordingly. If a child is capable of securing 50 per cent marks and secures 45 per cent, that is much better than another child capable of securing 80 per cent but gets only 60 per cent. That means we need to devise means of measuring the capability, competence of the students; and the same thing can also be applied to companies, though that may bring down the quality of production, but we can be sure that we do justice to humanity. I am aware there may not be many takers for this proposal, but even if some people are inspired to look at young hearts not as participants in performance rat-race, but as participants in race to save their sanity and humanity!

Confession of a Comrade

She should be in her seventies, and at first I felt a bit embarassed when she pulled both my hands and kissed them. She had been emotionally moved, I could see in her words, and she struggled to express herself. Despite the frail health she suffered each day, there was an inundation of joy that was so very obvious in her face. At one moment she just said, 'You are my father!', and I wittily replied, 'No, I am your son, nay your grandson!' She laughed. It was a great joy to see this senior lady laugh heartily. This is the day, she said, she would remember for many days to come. It is as if she had found a treasure in me... she told me she was going to write letter to me, and so asked for my name; when I told her my first name, she said she knew it, but wanted the address. She said she would write her-story for me to read.

There is always a certain spiritual glow in Sister H (I am deliberately concealing the identity of this person), and I would even call it a charm. At one time of our 'spiritual conversation' she had told that in her younger days, there were many suitors who wished to marry her, and I had told her, 'You should have been beautiful', and she would not refute it. I would not go with the worldly notion that beauty is skin-deep; rather it is the beauty that is deep within, which expresses itself in the face. She walks slowly, age has weakened her nerves and she feels the tension, however she kept saying to me, she would not let them take hold on her. It is alright, she smiles.

One thing was sure that in me she had found a "spiritual son" if such a thing may be permissible among to religious persons, committed to God's service. She kept pouring out her love for me. During my recollection talk, I had recommended that each of us could write our own stories of Christmas, and she told me, 'Since you have told me, I am going to write my story, and I hope you will read it!' There was so much of life, enthusiasm in her that I found it quite amusing. There are times, when her needs are not met, there are people who do not bother about her wants, but that does not disturb her. I had been so, and that is not a big problem for me.

It was the time for confession, and there were some sisters waiting outside the parlor, and Sr H was with me for about half an hour, and I could make out the sisters sitting outside were wondering what was conspiring between us; there were occasional peals of laughter (I had been known in my familiar circles as a big-laughing-mouth), and for a good part she spoke, sometimes even repeating snippets of her life, which she had been sharing with me during the previous months. It was truly a 'confession' of her life, her joys and struggles as she moved from one horrendous stage to another. A few times I could notice a drop of tear or two in her eyes, but she was only too happy that she she had a smooth sail after dedicating her life for the Lord and his serivce.

Wanting and feeling the warmth of someone very dear to us is not only the law of nature, but is also a call to a meaningful existence in the world. Today I would like to take time out to recall to mind the persons whose warmth, love and affection have filled me with gratitude; my life is what it is, thanks to their loving concern. I would like to think of one person in life, who has entered into my life, and changed the very course of my life's direction. We are not 'momentary guests' in the lives of those who we come in contact with, but they are our co-travellers, or better still co-pilgrims. They make our lives meaningful. I am grateful to Sr H for opening to me yet another facet of my life, for helping me open the doors of my heart ajar, so that any needy soul may find shelter in it!

Memories sans Morality

We are back to our memories - one of the most powerful tools that nature has either to revitalise a drooping spirit, or maim an energetic soul. It is a reality that often we have very little control, and memories can be the most precious treasure or the worst enemy of my life, depending on what past has stored for me. We have acknowledged that often in life we are imprisoned by our memories, and feel quite helpless unable to get out of them, however hard we may try. Memories are the last resort one may in order to keep alive something that is lost for ever, and even such memories may slowly fade into oblivion as time passes. In fact, according to psychology, memory is an organism's mental ability to store, retain and recall information, and they would often divide memory into short term and long term memories.

Short-term memory allows one to recall something from several seconds to as long as a minute without rehearsal. Its capacity is also very limited and may even be faulty. By contrast, long-term memory can store much larger quantities of information for potentially unlimited duration (sometimes a whole life span). Here we deal with long-term memories, which last a whole life, and have greater impact on us. We shall not enter into a theoretical analysis of how information or data is transferred from short-term to long-term memory, and how they are slowly solidified and stores, so that we could have access to them at will. But we understand that it is a process that takes place each day, without out being conscious of it, and thank God it is automated, much of our energy is saved for other things.

But let us face it! We cherish every moment of pleasant memories, and wish to run away from the painful memories; we are all too frightened of the painful memories, especially those of the loss of the dear one or that which has caused something very grave in life. Think of a moment when a person was on the jaws of death; or a moment when a young lady has been assaulted physically by a group of strange people; or an instance when one witnessed the gruesome killing of the closest family member by some one known. The very moment we think of the incident or memory, we begin to sweat, and our body immediately reacts naturally and automatically. Our heart beats faster. Sometimes people who have gone through such moments are provided psychological help, basically through counselling to break open the prison walls of the memory.

It is a joy to spend hours together recollecting the joyful moments of the past, but not so with the painful memories. One may gain a lot of strength from re-living the past joyful moments, while one may feel agitated and shaken by the painful memories; one may even be impelled to do something socially unacceptable due to these memories. The consequences at times could be quite tragic and destructive. It is like a room that is full of these moments stacked up deep within me, and at particular moments I hear some strange noise from this room and am frightened. And this may happen over a long stretch of time, and I may be frightened each time to open the room and confront what that noise mean to me.

Memories in themselves are neutral and indifferent, it is I who attribute a certain quality to these memories, as joyful and painful ones. Today I look at the most important memories that strike my mind more often, and look at them objectively without attributing any quality to them. It is only when we attribute qualities as joyful or painful memory that they will have a corresponding reaction on the body. But that is not what we desire for now. Let us look at them as objective reality that I was subjected to. No judgement or no moralization. Just the memory sans morality. Stay with it for as long as I can, even if I have the urge to get out of them and find back my escape routes to find my comfort zones. Let me also realise the unseen, invisible presence of the entire humanity standing by my side to hold me, support me. That is where I may find my way back home!

Maimed by Memories

One of the most treasured privileges given to humanity is the faculty of memory; it is said certain animals are also endowed with the capacity to re-member, but none can compete with the human beings. Memory is the faculty that relates the past with the present, and similarly relating future too with the present. It is the live wire that passes through every event or incident that one goes through. Once memory fails, a person becomes almost a vegetable. But think of an instance, when memory becomes the most painful reality one has to face in life; memories of the past, to be precise. In other words, when a person is imprisoned by the most painful, most excruciating memories of the past, there is very little that can be done to release the person and let him/her live in the present.

Every moment of the past is encapsulated in the memory, and strangely our memory is able to re-play the past in life-like fashion, transporting a person in time and space to the past events and incidents - to see, hear and feel the presence of the individuals involved. Unfortunately our science has not advanced sufficiently to provide access to the memory of persons other than the one possessing it. When we have such an access to the memory capsules, then probably we will device mind-right, something similar to copyright and patents. I also foresee technology that can go back in time to see, hear and sense a particular moment in the life of a person, all using mind-mapping technology. But let us leave such scientific advancements to scientists and get down to what the memory does to us in real life situations.

It will not be wrong if I were to say that memory can enliven the life of a person who has lost his closest family people; it can also leave something indelible in the heart of a person who wishes to 'forget' the most painful event of one's life. But today I am confronted with a basic question : can I ever be able to get out of the prisons of memory, so that I am able to relate to the present as it is presented to me, without being colored by the past, or being anticipated by the future. We know that every moment of the present is the outcome of the past, and is the preparation for the future, because we live in a time-continuum, which swiftly flows from one moment to another. It is actually the human mind that slices time for our convenience. It is possible to break free from the prisons of memory.

But a more important reality that I need to accept and acknowledge today is that I am a prisoner of my memories, whether good or bad, and it bewitches me whether I like or not. In other words, I have very little control over how each moment of the present is translated, or to use the computer vocabulary, encoded into the memory; it happens all by itself, without my being aware of it. But that is not bad in itself. So, let me realise that I cannot run away from the memories, but there are ways that may help one cope with them. While memories often try to imprison and control me, I may also try to control how it affects me.

Today I pause for a while and think of some of the most important memories which haunts me day in day out. In other words, can I think of a memory or two which constantly flash on my mind and disturb me - it has to be one of the most important moments of my life, which has in a sense shaped my destiny. Let me become aware of such memories, and be conscious of them. If it helps, I may also put it in a notebook, for me to look into at a later time. No, don't do anything with it for now, just become aware of it. It may be the moment when you lost your dear one, due to your negligence, or a guilt feeling that you allowed your dear one to die; one of the phrases that may come to my mind during this moment is this : If only I... Once this is done, then I am sure I am on my way to free myself from the clutches or the prison of my memories!

Fall for Freebies

It has become customary these days for popular commercial brands to offer freebies in order to attract and woe customers. Buy two get one free is often the slogan that goes round the commercial houses, and that is what makes people to rush for them, irrespective of the price tag that these products carry. In fact, our human mentality is such that we would be attracted to the freebies more than the quality of the product or the price tag, which for the most part would be far more than the normal price. And sure enough, manufacturing houses and industries have been making use of the gullible human sensibilities in order to reap a rich harvest of profit and benefit. It is beyond the understanding of common people to think that by going for freebies they are in fact paying much more than their normal price.

Bonus is another such concept which employees often look forward to with keen interest, because this is something that they receive as extra. It is this little bit of extra that can boost their morale and strengthen their commitment to an institution. To come back to freebies, often in the advertisements for products, it is the freebies that take more space, and they are advertised as if as a customer you would receive far more than what you are paying for, and the freebies are given indeed freely. But it does not take us more time to realise that we are most of the time duped by these people. No firm will go all out to give things freely, in incur a great loss in their profit. This is one thing that we need to realise when we are attracted to freebies.

In fact we need to take seriously anything that comes to us as "extra"; unfortunately in many of the countries bribe is an accepted phenomenon, so much so no work will proceed unless you pay that extra under the table! Needless to say in many cases, people think that they are entitled to these extra, which is far more than their official salary or remuneration, because they are either under-paid or they cannot make both ends meet with their salary. We may not even know that any attempt to look for avenues to make a little extra income is the gateway to greed. Even if the chances of being caught are very thin, still one may have to carry the burden of using unlawful means to make a living, will prick one's conscience all through one's life.

Anything free comes with a huge concealed price-tag, though it may not be so very conspicuous at the first sight. But the discerning minds would not fail to notice that 'free' means it has a hidden agenda beneath it, or a hook to trick you. So I am not to be excessively attracted to anything that comes free. After all, why should any one do something for me free of cost, or give something just for nothing! Rarely do we come across persons, who do something good for us or give us something precious out of sheer good will. But in that case, it may not be too hard to find out their hidden motives. Some might do it habitually in order to curry favor in future, and some others may let the small fish be eaten, in order to catch a bigger fish.

Today I pause for a while and see for myself who are the persons whom I make use of for my personal benefit or welfare; or what are the situations and events when I look for 'freebies' to satisfy my own needs, or give away freebies in order to hook someone. Sometimes I am thrown in a situation when it is too hard for me to get anything done through the normal course of action, and it is only giving something under the table which would free me from all unnecessary tension; what am I to do in such situations? To bear the consequences, or just give away something in order to buy peace of mind? It is a hard and bitter choice that we are called to make often in life. But the conflict in the heart is worth going through, so that when it is my turn to give, I don't demand from others what I myself hate to give as a 'gift'!

Jamming Judgements

I have been told umpteen times that I am a man of strong characters, strong temperament, likes and dislikes. It would be quite hard for me to accept or reject this major complaint about me. I would not make an attempt to address this issue of strong sentiments. Honestly speaking over the years I had been spending considerable amount of time delving deep into the inner recesses of my heart; the greatest discovery that I can possibly achieve during this life on earth is unravelling some of the baffling secrets, which are even now shrouded in mystery. No Sherlock Homes will ever be able to do it; nor can any Feluda of Satyajit Ray can ever enter into the guarded Red Forts!

A man of strong characters! Is it a virtue or a vice? You might smile and say, it all depends on whom I ask. But is there an objective truth in our judgements? How much of our judgements and evaluation of persons in our society are based on objective facts? In fact, even the very term objective facts may be understood by one hundred persons in one hundred and one ways. Each of us look at an external reality on the basis of our own perceptions, or to borrow an image from psychology, on the basis of the color glasses we wear. Perhaps there is not a single day in our lives when we had even unwittingly failed to judge a person or an event. It has become our second nature. Often I feel judging is itself a necessary evil that we have come to accept and acknowledge - judge others, often erroneously and allowing ourselves to be judged.

One of the greatest tragedies that often shake the world is caused by people who take the judgement of others too seriously. For many, what others say is the gospel truth; even if they know the information to be completely false, yet they will give undue weightage to it, and undergo untold suffering and pain deep within. It doesn't cost us any money to judge a person - either positively or negatively. For quite many of us in socieyt it is one of the most favorite passtimes. We know the very moment we take the words of these people seriously, our world may begin to crumble slowly. All our dreams will be fragmented into a million pieces all within a minute! But the moot question is : Am I free to take this judgement or not! Do I have the power to reject it? Of course I have the power deep within me!

This brings us to yet another crisis moment in life: can I ever live a peaceful life without paying heed to what others say about me? Is it not too rude and impolite to reject the opinions of others? It is not! In fact it is only when I begin to ask myself if I should take or reject the judgements of others, do I truly begin to show that I am a mature person, and am serious about my relationship with others, and that I control the direction of my destiny. Often we wish others to control our lives and find it frightening to reject what a good majority in society may say, or wish us to accept as blatant truth.

At this juncture, what am I to do? the one and perhaps the only question that I may have to ask myself is this : how far is this evaluation of myself by others or the judgements going to shape my future. If we give power to these judgements, however sound they may seem, then I am sure to ruin my life; but unfortunately more than 60 per cent of the people in society may take the criticism of others literally. Today I pause for a while and think of the one or two persons who had judged me positively or negatively, or reacted to me on the basis of his/her prejudgement or prejudice. Can I overcome the consequences of these judgements? Let me over come the excessive pain or pleasure that they may cause. Let me learn to take them for what they are truly worth! That may also be the beginning of accepting myself as I truly am, and there is the way to true enlightenment!

Defreezing Depression

When on e of my closest friends sent an SMS to me saying she had been feeling lonely and was undergoing certain kind of depression, I shuddered and shivered. This are two words that I would not like to hear from my friends (not that there are no other word making my blood to clot – cancer, my sister had gone through the pain of it, and heart-attack, my sister losing her husband due to it, are quite foreboding even today)! If only we realize the causes of depression and loneliness, and what they could lead one to, we cannot take such feelings lightly. At some time or other, even the most joyous of people experience such fleeting moments and depending on how they handle such feelings, they may get out of them, or move from bad to worse.

Believe it or not, loneliness is the patrimony of the modern generation. Time has become the most expensive commodity in the business world, and human relations the biggest casualty. There are more and more objects of pleasure entering our malls and supermarkets to keep us on our toes 24x7. Keep our toes, did I say? Precisely! We find it hard to sleep for a few hours continuously – cat’s nap is what keep many business people and high-class people going, though their life-span is shortened considerably due to negligence of their health. Each one in the world is slowly turned into a microcosm of himself, herself, with no one to give company. What we are left with are a few electronic and digital gadgets, who have replaced our grandmas and grandpas, even papas and mamas. Relating to machines is quite different from persons. Feeling lonely is the by-product of market economy: and this is a problem that needs to be nibbed already at the bud.

If we have to do a survey of the number of persons going through acute to chronic depression these days, we would be shocked to know that the number is alarmingly high, and is always on the rise. There are more and more cases of suicides among the affluent and the so-called high-classes in society. What makes them resort to such cowardly acts of ending their lives? For one thing, they often feel they are left alone to face the endless row of problems and complex situations beyond their capacity. They lose all hope in their friends and neighbors, and the world becomes a bitter reality they can hardly bear. They feel they would be happier to end their lives – by whatever means! But are there alternative ways by which they can help themselves and look at life with a different vision?

Of course there are ways and means of overcoming the feelings of loneliness and depression. No one on earth is so unfortunate not to have even a single person in the universe with whom he/she does not have a very close relationship. It is not necessarily that husbands will always have their wives as their closest confidantes, and the opposite may also be true. As soon as a fleeting feeling of loneliness and depression surfaces, we need to call such people and pour ourselves out. Keeping such feelings within may be dangerous and it may even lead to undesirable consequences. Secondly to keep oneself busy with the kind of things one is fond of; the idea is not give any scope to be idle, for it is an idle mind which plots against life. Thirdly, watch comics and humorous films on the television or video, and laugh with the characters, and this will ease things out a little. Make sure to stack a few top humorous comedies of Charlie Chaplain and Laurel & Hardy in your cupboard.

If you don’t have people with whom you could confide, don’t worry; just walk into a nearby garden and speak to the trees and grass, flowers and leaves. Pour yourself to them, and you may listen to their thin voice, and you will realize that they are indeed good friends. Or look at a bird sitting on a branch of a tree and strike a conversation with it, and it may have a sweet message of friendship for you. Or speak to the clouds, or the Sun, the moon… every created reality around you. Probably it will not take you too long to realize that you are no longer alone in this vast universe, all are there with you, by your side. If you realize this, then you will also feel that you have the wellsprings of life running from your heart, and you had not paid your attention to it so far! Now is the wake up call to fall back on these wellsprings of life!