Careful Camouflage

I was so sad to hear about the plight of one of my friends, who had been giving herself fully for the mission entrusted to her, for the past 10 years. From a silent spectator, she had grown to be an organizer par excellence, single-handedly putting up two buildings with help from donor agencies, and not taking even a single rupee from her congregation. It was indeed a matter of prestige that she was able to contribute so much for the mission of her congregation. Unfortunately those who are at the helm of this local congregation cannot look at her kindly; bias and prejudice were to be blamed for the way she was treated all along. In fact, it was all because of one person, who wished to decide the fate of all her subjects, which led to silent anarchy in the congregation.

But who cares for the simple voiceless sisters, who only knew how to take orders, and knew not how to put their points across, how to argue convincingly with the people who mattered in the administration of the congregation, or how to refuse the high-handedness of a handful of people who wished to wield control over all the rest. Selfishness of a small group of ‘bourgeoisie’ mattered more than the interest and welfare of the entire congregation and their mission. The person who was supposed to be at the top of the administrative structure was made into a dummy horse, while the previous head continued to wield power over others. But there were too few to disregard the autocratic high-handedness of this person, others were too frightened to confront her.

My friend had been known as a person who would not dare talk anything in return for the orders she was given, but over the years, she had learned to speak, and today when she questions the unilateral decisions of the higher-ups, they cannot think that she could speak so boldly. They are awe-stuck that she was talking so boldly. But she is not the kind who would demand something unreasonable, but she has learned that she cannot let herself be taken for a royal ride by anyone; she knows she has to fight for her own rights and would not let anyone snatch from her hands, something which is due to her, which is her right. I am happy that today she is able to speak her mind loudly and clearly, and is ready to face the consequences.

What was more painful for me was that when my friend had informed her administrative heads that she could not accept the transfer for some serious reasons, the head had reminded her that it was her religious obedience which bound her to accept the decision of her superiors. But my first question is, if the transfer has been decided through the process of serious communal discernment; for all practical purposes, it was one person who had decided about this transfer. Can the whims and fancies of one particular autocratic person be guarded and shielded by religious notions and ideologies? It is wrong to protect one’s decisions in the name of religious obedience, because the Spirit cannot prompt anything which is illogical and irrational.

It is sad that there are still religious men and women who cannot accept the fact that in this fast changing world, they would love to cling to the age-old ideologies. Any discernment process in matters relating to transfers and changes are to take into consideration the wishes and desires of the persons concerned, and this is something very vital to the very process of discernment. If a discernment process does not take into account the aspirations and desires of the persons concerned, then it could be just the wrong way of doing the discernment, and it may be in all probability contrary to the will of God, and contrary to the promptings of the Spirit. I wish the local congregations understand the importance of taking into confidence the aspirations of the persons discussed. Times when one could be blindly ordered to take up an unknown assignment without any preparation whatsoever is gone, and we are living in a world which demands that we approach persons with certain amount of compassion and humanism, as opposed to hard, insensitive religious dogmatism.

Falling for the Frills

One of my close friends had come to pour out something to me, and though I was initially not prepared for it, but then I let him do it. He had been pained at the way his companion who had been staying with him for almost a year, had been dealing and relating to him. He began saying that the small Christian community he tried to strengthen was now divided, and after a pause added that it was divided between him and his companion who had left the place for good. The over-enthusiastic friend had been trying to win the confidence of the people, most often without consulting with my friend who happened to be the in-charge, and that had caused enough confusion among the people. The one obvious motive of the companion was to outdo what my friend was doing, and so he projected himself a better person, priest, pastor and administrator, and he was successful in establishing this among some people.

I had seen for myself that one of the basic wants or needs of this particular companion was to become popular among the people. He made use of his talent to sing folk songs to this advantage, and would even exaggerate facts, as to how so many people are flocking to him, to listen to his singing, his spiritual counsels, and I became wary of this, and would take his words only with a pinch of salt. There is no doubt, he was clever, confident, and even knowledgeable, but there was also the other side, which showed that he was feeling threatened by others, who might be more competent, smart, and even intellectually gifted. The need to assert himself before his other friends and companions led him to take the companion he was living with for granted. It was not an easy thing to digest, my friend confided.

There is an inner craving in most of us to be popular and famous; who does not want to be appreciated? Who does not want to win the applause of hundreds and thousands? Probably there had been something wanting in this companion which made him seek this appreciation of his own accord. He volunteered to organize spiritual talks, and prayer sessions, but each time it was his need to win the hearts of simple people, who could be easily brain-washed in the name of spirituality! And he was able to get a sizable following, who considered him “guru”, and he would like it very much. The small band of people he collected slowly became a band of gossip-mongers, and who indulged in generous snacks from the friends and neighbors. But he should have realized that this trend was going to break the community into two groups.

It would be unfair to judge this companion on the basis of what my friend had poured out to me; but at least in this case, I know that my friend did not exaggerate facts, for I myself had lived with this companion for a year, and had seen how hard it is to live with him. He had his own way of doing thing, and I had my own, and my friend has his own way of organizing things. But in an organizational setup there is always something called subsidiarity, we follow a ladder. The power of decision-making is invested with the leader of the group, and it is important that those under his care respect this responsibility, and if the members begin to decide on the things which are the domain of the leader, then there is bound to be confusion, and that precisely is what happened in this case.

Over the years I have been struggling to find the secret magic mantra of personal happiness, that which can keep me on the high all the time, and I feel that I had come close to it in the recent times: happiness that is imposed on me from outside cannot last long; it will be only momentary, and that would be like taking recourse to alcohol or drugs; the kick does not last long. However the happiness that flows out of what I truly am, can sustain me for long, and its waters cannot dry. It is like a stream which runs quietly and smoothly, and it can run over sand and rocks with equal ease. I wish our companion realized this secret that true lasting happiness should flow out of his own self, of what he is, rather than seeking the appreciation and approval of others. Life can be quite different if only we see the difference between the two sides of the spectrum.

Missing the Bus

Missing the bus in our country, or in any of the Asian countries for that matter, is nothing to be amused at, because when the buses do not ply on time, how can the commuters be blamed for missing the bus. If that is the case with buses, there are things in life where we human beings do miss the bus, even when the buses ply as scheduled. Probably that is the reason why nothing seems to happen in the lives of the ninety nine per cent of the population. It is only the odd one per cent of the people who find life so very amusing, that they are ready to do anything for the humanity, for the universe, for nature, and for themselves. These are the people who see a ray of light, when all the others see only the dark clouds.

This man from Australia is one such man, who for fifteen months had not earned or spent even a penny, I realize that he is one among the one per cent, and I felt happy to read about what made the difference in the life of this fifty plus man. He had a promising career in an organic farm, and he states that a chance viewing of the movie “Gandhi” made him to rethink about his life. He had said that one saying of Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi had pushed him to think twice about the quality of his life : if you want to transform the world, transform yourself. He had realized that it was money which was the center of all evil, and if he would be able to annihilate the getting and spending money, he might be able to enter into happiness.

It was interesting to read his account on how he was slowly realizing his dream of living a life without bound by money, and his life brought him to closer proximity with nature, and he had begun to feel the beauty and bounty of nature. Towards the end of his short presentation about what he was all about, he asserts that what can make us truly happy is not money, but relationships, friends, and he got many after he began his experiment with truth. What gives me joy is to realize that there are so many persons in the world around us who are careful not to miss the bus; even if they miss it, they make sure to catch it before it speeds up. These are not merely trend-setters, who dare to dream for the world, for humanity, for nature, and for the universe.

Each one of us goes through a moment in life, which can be termed as a peak experience; but most often these moments may be shrouded by our own personal problems, bias, prejudices, sorrows and agonies. These moments of “realization” do not last for too long; if one does not take note of them, they may just pass by, and it may never come back. If we are alert and prompt, we may be able to allow ourselves to be recharged by the powerful currents flowing from this experience. Most of the great people of the world down the centuries have all gone through these peak moments and had benefited from them, and thanks to these experiences, we are still sane and safe. Their legacy is the spotlight showing light to our generation.

It is such a wonderful thing to even imagine what would happen if every individual in the world were to be a person who had undergone this peak experience; in that case, everyone would have been a Buddha, the enlightened one. In that case, there may be no evil in the world, no killing, no greed, no avarice, no jealousy. Life would be so very different. Unfortunately those who miss the bus may remain stranded all through their lives, and today I only wish each one of us makes an attempt to be awake when such moments of enlightenment dawn upon us, and be drowned by the magical streams; when we come up to the shore, then we may be different persons, with a new vision and a new mission. Life will be so very colorful then!

Price of Peer Pressure

Some days ago my sister called me to say that she had a bad news for me; she said that she had quit her job and was sitting idle at home. Hers was a temporary job, and she was paid a daily wage, as is the custom with many of the medium sized and small nursing homes, who do not want to get into commitment with their nurses, and this is the third nursing home that my sister was working at. Since there are so many young girls looking for a job, the homes take it as advantage, to reduce their wages as low as possible. So apparently there was a stir among the nurses of this particular nursing home, and they demanded from the administration a higher wage for their duties. When the administration refused to give heed to their appeal, all the nurses resigned en masse.

There was peer-pressure, and it is hard to fight against peer-pressure in such a situation, since all of them help each other during their respective duties and exchange duty hours according to their conveniences. But at the other end of the spectrum is the loss of job. My sister would not demand a higher wage, she is not that courageous, but one or two of the courageous nurses might have coerced the others too to resign, and my sister was helpless, and was forced to tender resignation. Her friends are not going to help her get a better job, with better working hours, and a better wage. That may be none of their business, but ultimately who suffers. Peer-pressure is such a thing, where one is placed like a cat on the wall, standing between devil and deep sea.

Given the situation at home, my sister was badly in need of a job to make both ends meet, and sitting idly at home is not something she would like. There was a tone of sadness even as she narrated to me that she was waiting for a call from some other nursing home where she had applied. It is not easy to sit in the house doing nothing very substantial. One may even feel bored and wasting away, and that was what was happening to my sister, and all that I could encourage was to call up the very nursing home where she had resigned the job and check if they cared to take her back. She was not keen on doing that, because in that case she might lose her credibility and face. However she said she was ready to accept the offer if they called her back.

Going with a group has its advantages, especially if there are persons in the group who really care for me, and would support me come what may; but it also has its gray areas. It is a very delicate issue and there are chances for one to be wrong whatever he/she does. But it would be wrong to go with the group all the times, because one or two members of the group may divert the interests of the group and make use of it for their own benefit. The ultimate question that one must ask is this : does my flowing with the group going to help me now or later? If the answer is in the negative, then probably I should reconsider my following the dictates of the group. My conscience may be the better judge some times, and I should listen to it as and when I feel that way.

It is hard to stand by one’s conviction and resist the pressures of a group, especially if the group pressure could force one to give up personal convictions. But this is not impossible; what one may require is great amount of guts and courage to stand by personal convictions. It might have been alright if my sister had stood against the pressure of the group to resign, and resumed her job as usual. She might have to bear the dire consequences, but that could win the appreciation of the administration for her, not so much because she stayed back to work for them, but also because she had the courage to stand against group pressure. Sometimes it is worthwhile to stand by one’s convictions and resist the temptation of flowing with the group.

Poverty of Paupers

As I joined friends to lift the ‘dead body’ of our friend who had died just two hours ago, to hand “it” over to the caretakers, an eerie feeling crept into me, and it lingered in me for quite some time. At that time, our friend went just with the ‘lungi’ he was wearing, and a bed-sheet below and above. That was all that we had sent him with; and today when he was in the coffin, he was dressed up handsomely, with one of his pants, vests, and a cassock. Already we were handing over his body, I noticed that there were very few things in his room; I had been told that some of his things were in the house he had been staying for quite a few years, and so the bare minimum was in the room. A day after his death, when I was looking for his personal photo album, I realized one of his trunks was there and a suitcase with clothes. A cassette player was the only gadget he had.

For a man of 57, he should have been having several times more things; I have heard about some of our friends, and especially diocesan clergy, when they are transferred they required at least a couple of trucks to transport all their belongings. One might ask what sort of things these people carry from place to place as they are transferred. In simple words, all the things that a family requires, those are the very things these people carry. The things include the following : television, mixie-grinder, cassette-players, VCD/DVD players, books, personal files, clothes, speakers, CDs and DVDs, clothes, blankets, bed-sheets. Some, I have been told, also carried their furniture and almirahs. In other words, they carried all they ‘bought’.

I imagined for a moment what are the things I have accumulated over the years, and what would happen if I were to bid goodbye tonight. Do I really need all the things I have in my room? Each one of us has a habit of accumulating things, for some it is books, for some others cassettes or CDs or DVDs, for some clothes, and for some others electronic gadgets… we have our own special interest and try to get all that is possible, not even thinking if we would ever need them in life. This is a psychological compulsion, and very seldom do we pay enough attention to this kind of tendency. If I were to look at carefully at the kind of things that are piled up in my cupboard, I would realize that at least 70 to 80 per cent of the material could be given up easily, without hurting my future.

Most often we collect things with the hope that one day we might require them, but the fact is if I do not require a thing today, probably I may not need it in the future. For instance, collecting electronic gadgets is a compulsion, and there are people who may not be satisfied with one gadget, but may like to have several things to keep their ego satisfied. These are the people who are always on the lookout for new gadgets, and as soon as they hit the market, they are there negotiating the price with the shopkeepers, not realizing that in a few days time the gadget will fill the market and they can get them for a much cheaper price. The same is true with “collectors” of all kinds. Today I need to ask myself, what is my compulsion? What do I take pleasure in collecting or accumulating?

I am overly concerned about my future and feel the need to keep things ready, not trusting in the providence of God. It is for this reason that Jesus has told us not to worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. We need to learn this lesson from birds of the air and lilies of the field. There is yet one more thing that I am invited to do: go through the things that are piled up and clear all that are not required for me. I do understand that many of the things which I may not need, may be needed gravely for someone else. Much of their efficiency might have been lost because they do not have these things, and if alone I can hand these to them, there might be better atmosphere for fraternal sharing; and it is possible someone else might give me something which I am in urgent need of. And that is when we can feel the need of being part of a wider human family.

Animated by Love

Some of our men have such an enormous amount of energy that I can hardly compete with them. I wonder from where they get so much energy to go on working almost like a machine. During the last few days of organizing a fitting farewell for one of our companions, I realized that many of us had put our shoulders together to make this a memorable day, and I do feel that our friend would be smiling even as I anticipate his reaction to our humble efforts. We have our differences, but when it comes to organizing an event such as this, our men do it wonderfully well. We can get over our differences, and think alike in getting the best of what we have and what we are. That is what I am thankful to God today, for our men who could give their best when needed.

Now coming to the secret of their energy, this is not something so very new and spectacular. I realize when we have love for a person or a group of people, we would go all extent to give our best for them, and that I realize is the secret of their immense energy. The love we had for this of our sick Brother, whose both the kidneys failed and was on dialysis twice a week, was something remarkable. Since I stayed in a house a little far from where this friend stayed, I could not spare much time for him, but those who were members of this community, had gone out of their way to be available to meet his needs, especially accompanying him to the hospital for dialysis and bringing him back… it was not an easy task, and they did this with great love.

Yesterday I had gone to the college to check certain things for today’s funeral, and I realized that three of our men who were involved with the preparations were not there, and I could guess that they might have gone out. And a little later I came to know from the notice board that they had gone to the market. When I had finished my other works and was about to leave, I saw these three men climbing up the stairs with lots of flowers. One of them said smiling “3 Idiots”, and I know he made a reference to the recent film of the same title, which supposedly showcased the achievements of three idiots. What a combination, I wondered for a while, and yet, when it came to preparations for the day, there was good understanding, and I had not seen them fighting over any silly things.

In fact, as we bade farewell to our friend, what I heard from several people who expressed their sentiments for him was so very heart-renting that I felt they had all experienced it. Our friend was known for having a special love for people who approached him for either a service, or favor or work done by him. He did it with great love, and during the lunch today one of the priests of the diocese said that the departed friend was going out of his way to make the Sisters happy and at home; he would take them by the vehicle and drop them at a place from where they could get express buses, and many people appreciated this gentle and lovely gesture of the man. He was not after money, or after name and fame; he was a simple man, who valued people for what they were, and he did not hesitate to make special provisions to accommodate them that they felt handled with great love and care.

If the man had so much of energy to be involved with so many works, and be on his toes to get different things going during his tenure as in-charge of the estate, it was just because he was in love with the place and the people, and that is what made many of the people to shed tears today, as his body was lowered to the tomb. One of the girls, aged some 12, was crying profusely, because she had seen him around as she grew from the age of 3 or 4, and she had known the man he was, and it might have been difficult for her to bid goodbye to him. If we are not able to give our full selves for the work assigned to us, or that we often get into problems completing the works or find it hard to work with co-workers, the first question that we need to ask ourselves is this : am I in love with the place and the people associated with this work, or am I doing it just as a job assigned to me. The aspect of doing anything for the love of the persons associated with, can make a lot of difference.

Searching for Smiles

One of the lessons which I had learned at the death of one of our friends, 13 years senior to me, is that whatever we do, and wherever we are, could we do something to unburden the others who are weighed down by worries of the world, chased by problems which make them hate life, made to believe that life on earth is not worth living! There are many around us who go through this kind of hide-n-seek game with life each day, without realizing that they are slowly pawning their lives with forces which may one day snatch their lives and hand them over to the angel of death! Just a kind act towards these people can change the way they look at life, and once they realize the beauty of the world and its people, then things can take a positive turn.

Ours is a tortured, battered, mutilated world, which yearns for some respite, and it may sound an insurmountable task for us, but if we all put our shoulders together to look at this world which is groaning with pain and agony, probably we may be able to find a way of relieving her pains. It is not an impossible task; it all depends how each one of us is convinced of his/her personal responsibility to extend healing balm to the neighbor behind or in front of him/her. It is easier to curse darkness rather than lighting the candle, and we all may resort to easy solution, instead of doing our little part to ease the situation. Luckily we do not need to do spectacular works, or need really to sacrifice our lives in order to save the dying humanity. We are not saviors of the world, but we can surely become the angels of kindness and mercy to each one around us.

I become more and more convinced that what we on earth need today are not great scientists who would make the impossible into possible, who would find solutions to all the problems the humanity had been facing down the centuries, who would unravel the mysteries of the universe and find greater avenues for harnessing the resources of the greater earth, who would make us believe that faith in God and human touch can be sacrificed at the altar of self-centeredness. Nor do we require persons who would find a way of feeding every person going hungry to bed each day. We are not looking for spiritual gurus who would make every urban dweller happy and peaceful! If we want to save the world, then all that I am convinced we are called to is : to spread a little bit of human touch.

There is one little way I am confident we can do this : I take a little trouble to go out of my own self to reach out to someone in need, in whatever way I can. It is for me to choose how I am going to reach out to the other! If at the end of the day I can make a person smile, then I can consider my work done. It is not an impossible task. Yesterday after hanging around in our college to arrange for the funeral mass today, one of our friends, offered some fruits for our community. There were mangoes (the look alone was so tempting), grapes and another kind of fruit. As I walked home with a polythene bag in hand, near the park I put the bag down, took out a mango and offered to a girl who had made outside the park her home for the past six months. There was plenty for us, and I was not going to lose much by giving one to her, she also would have the joy of tasting a mango even before it fully entered the markets.

I have realized a secret of what really makes us smile: when we are able to make someone smile, that is sure to bring a natural smile in us. Check it for yourself. I have checked it and it works like a charm. It is like an echo, or a reflection on the mirror; and this can create a ripple effect. My smile can create some one smile too, and it can go on unending. Smiles are becoming too costly in our world; even the best of make-up and ornaments sans genuine smile may be meaningless; but a gentle genuine smile even in the absence of ornaments can make a person really glitter, and that is the secret that we all can become partners in. I can only imagine a situation when the whole world is filled with smiles all around, and it would be like a garden with flowers in full bloom and that is really a joy and feast to our eyes.

Letter from Beyond

Dear friend, you might not have expected me to write to you, just three days after my departure from the world, and even before my mortal body is laid to rest! I know my relatives and friends who have heard about my sudden departure could not believe that I had left unannounced. And tomorrow I would be watching with much pleasure and merriment what are you people talk about me; I know much of the words addressed to me or about me would be saturated with honey that it might not be worth eating. But I just want to assure you that I have no more anger on you, or any of our companions; after some years, I am peaceful, and can rest without disturbance. I have no breathing problem, and can drink water as much as I want, without calculating how much I drink. I am in a world so very different, and am happy I have come here.

It is true I loved to live a little longer; all those who would hear that I was just 57 would think that I had a premature death, and could have accomplished quite a lot, were I to live some twenty more years, to say the least. I had a lot of dreams, and only a small portion of them have been fulfilled, and I only wished to bring to fruition some more of them, but when the angels of death stood at my doorstep, how could I say no to them. They told me that my time had come, and I could not give them any excuse. I began to grumble to the Creator that it was unfair to take me at this early age, and that I wanted to spend some more years here on earth. He smiled at me and said that he could not see me suffer, and so decided to take the bitter pill of taking me from the world to his bosom.

Here in this world, I lack nothing, neither the things that were forbidden me there on earth, or the things which I could only imagine, and there is the love of the angels, saints, and some of them have been known to me, and some others had known me for some time. What a pleasant surprise for me to meet the people I least expected to be there, and some other people whom I thought of meeting here, but they were not present. I had decided not to venture into any other place as of now, and slowly may venture into other locations where human beings are placed… I don’t know where the hell is, and where the purgatory is; and what is strange, I don’t know where I am; there is nothing which can make me feel where I am at present.

There are many who are shedding bitter tears for me, and tomorrow many would shed tears for me, and I am not such a noble and saintly person to repeat the words of the Master, Weep not for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. You would remember that the Master addressed the women of Jerusalem and told them this piece of advice; but would that matter to you? My race is run, and now I am waiting for the reward. If many of you have to cover the 800 meters race, I have been given just the 100 meters race to complete. It was so nice of the warden to make people run the race according to their capacities and talents. I am happy that I did what I could, given my own limitation and weaknesses. But now I am in a world of absolute contentment; I am just as I am, and realize the beauty of my creation before God.

What could you do for me? Some think that I need their prayers, their abstinence, sacrifices, so that I can be promoted from purgatory to the heavenly peace. I am also aware that I have to wait for all my sins to be washed away before I can enjoy eternal peace. But I remember that I had spent part of my last couple of years in anticipation of my purgatory, and I had even told the Master that I was completing my purgatory and purificatory days, and so if ever there is going to be any punishment for my past sins, it is not going to be too harsh. Now, you may ask me, what I can do for you! Believe me I am in a place from where I can just read your minds, and know things which are not even thought of by you. But fear not, I am not going to supervise or moderate you; it is your life that you should concentrate on; and there may come a time when you could recall to mind my life in the world, and be thankful to God for creating and letting me taste life on earth. I am twice blessed for entering into the world… I know being human is very much being divine! I will continue to write to you when time permits. Your friend.

Will to Live

The end came too suddenly, and no one was prepared for it. When I received a telephone call from the college, least did I think that the caller would shock me with just a four word sentence : He is no more! For a moment I could not say anything, I could not get anything, as to what to say. I had a personal chat with him just three days earlier, and now I am told he is no more! What could have happened, I wondered, even as I took a few moments to gather myself to handle the situation? I had to go to the college to see the man, who was alive just a few minutes ago, but now lies dead on the bed, and have to wait for our house physician to certify that he is dead. Even as I rushed to the college, my heart and mind said that something had gone wrong somewhere, and we have lost him.

Fifty seven is not the age to say goodbye to this beautiful world, and what is worse this man did not want to leave this world so soon, and he had a great desire to resume normal life again, but we had not given him a chance. There was a blame-game even as he lay dead, just an hour after his departure, that he should have been careful when his liver functioning was becoming strenuous, that he could not blame anyone for the situation he was in. I made a few frantic attempts to tell the senior man that it was not the time to blame the man who now cannot get up to defend himself. I would not say that this young man could fully justify himself for the way he handled his health some years ago, which led to the destruction of both his kidneys, but his past was something that could not be undone… Unfortunately in life very seldom do we have the option of UNDO, as in any Windows based programs.

The tears that I had witnessed welling up from his eyes just three days ago were haunting me to say that our negligence was also responsible for this sudden departure of this man. I feel sad for him because he might not have guessed that he was going to leave the world so soon. There was no sign that he was getting mentally prepared for the end, which was beckoning him. Even as he interacted and complained to all those who mattered about how his situation could be salvaged, one thing was certain, he was slowly giving up the will to live. This was quite obvious from his conversation with me. He had zest for life, and he would do anything to retain life, even if that means walking out of the way of life he had voluntarily chosen some thirty five years ago.

When he told me three days earlier as I went for a meeting with two other friends of mine, that he wanted to have a chat with me, I had told him that I would meet him after our meeting. And when I returned from our meeting, he led me to his room, and opened up his bruised heart to me. The barometer of his will to live was already sinking to the dangerous level, and I could only guess that he holds himself strongly and boost this energy. As I walked out of his room that day, I only told him not to lose hope, and was not sure though if I sounded convincing enough. If his will to live had sunk so low, I feel that we were responsible for it, and there is hardly anyway how we could undo it. We have lost one of ours, who did not deserve to leave so soon.

Even as he struggled with the impending death, and the inevitable, there were some who were trying to support him, giving him the much needed boost to stay alive. Reality did not match with the sweet words of the people who were responsible for taking his case forward, and that was painful for him. At his sudden demise, these people were heart-broken, and did all they could in order to give him a beautiful farewell. People were generous to give their time and energy to take him gently to rest with the embalmers, and prepare the place for a memorable funeral service. I only wish he does not smile and whisper in my ears, I only wished you people paid this much attention when I was struggling with life during the last few months! Fare thee well, my Brother!

Good and bad old habits

During the last two years I had been witnessing what it means by the saying ‘old habits die hard’! Probably it would require one to live with an old person to really understand the truth factor of this saying. Living with an 85 year old person for me has not been as painful and problematic as one would think, because the oldie I am living with is psychologically not that old, though physically he is. He still manages his own life without help from anyone; there is no one to help him with his personal program, and what is more, he washes his own clothes (of course on a washing machine), and goes for his customary evening walk, spends quite an amount of time on internet… he knows how to enjoy life, even at this age.

Of course his skin is made in Belgium, that is why at this age, he walks around as if he is just 60; his memory power is still intact, except he has been mixing up months and years, otherwise he has a sharp memory for names of persons. During his 86th birthday, some of his former students had come to wish him with a cake, and the one question which they kept asking him was, how he could remember the names of all the students of the college, though he was only a vice-principal. It used to be said that he would take the group photo of each class, with their names underneath, and learn the names, and during examinations verify their names once again.

But he has his own set of old habits which I would not easily appreciate. When I think of some of his ideas and notions, what comes to my mind quite spontaneously is this : penny wise and pound foolish. He has his own fixated ideas, which seemingly stand for the poor and the have-nots, while his actual life in the house is just the opposite of what he is worried about. He had refused to have a water heated installed in his bathroom, because he thinks that poor people cannot afford one, but his eating habits are just as Belgian as it used to be some sixty years ago, when he reached this city. He has some of the most expensive stuff for his special items, and which poor could afford them! But he would not tell the person-in-charge of purchasing not to purchase them for him.

During the past two years, I have not seen him taking welfare of the other members of the community seriously; if he had all that he is fond of, eating and drinking, then he does not need to bother about anything else. He would be the last person to challenge any person who does wrong; he loves to continue status quo, and would feel agitated when someone begins to question the way things are. He would tell sometimes, oh, I am not used to these things back at home. I was brought up in a situation, where we were not allowed to enter into the kitchens. But back at home, I had even cooked food when my mother was out in the fields… Then it is difficult for him to consider the situations we have come from… Perhaps till his death he would remain a Belgian, and sad, India had not managed to change much of his old habits.

Even at this age, he is attached to labels and portfolios, and would not easily give things up to be managed by younger persons. He loves to be in-charge of several things, and is delighted when people ask for his opinion. Today as I thank God for this senior person, who is much older than my own father (perhaps the age of my own grandfathers), I also would like to pick up a couple of things which can help me on my journey: ever enthusiastic about people and responsibilities, a care for the body (though he is sometimes over cautious about the body), and at the same time I would like to remind myself not to follow his footsteps in continuing certain amount of bias against the ‘natives’, sense of security for self, irrespective of what happens to others… I am sure he is leaving behind a legacy for the world, and I am grateful to God for him!

Rude Rustics

Sometimes the human ego is capable of blotting beyond all shape and size for no reason, and it would often require a big jolt to bring the ego to get to normal. The ego often looks for a reason, however reasonable it may be, in order to blow its trumpet, even if it is just to tell the world that no one can compete with him or her in the slow walk race. But this is an art which is ingrained in human nature, and it does not take time or effort for us to really blow our trumpets, and then make people clap their hands in high appreciation and esteem for our music! It is annoying to come across relatively young people trying to do this to their seniors.

The young man had been out of the country on a special assignment to teach in a neighboring country for the last two years, and now he already blows an air of superiority, and does not even mind ordering men many years senior to him. This is a kind of liberty and freedom which he feels he deserves, after two years of royal service. It was on Saturday evening that I received an email from this young man, a very brief one, telling me that he requires one of his certificates to be scanned and sent to another person. It was too late for me to do it, since it was evening, so I sent him a quick reply saying that I would do it on Monday, the next working day. But a little later I get another one line email from him telling me that it had to be sent on Sunday.

It was quite annoying for me to get this kind of mail from a young man who is some 15 years younger to me, and I decided not to reply to him. I generally do not take up office work on a Sunday; it is a sacred day, dedicated only for me, and I very seldom would do something related to the office on this day. This is my sacred time, my private space, when I like to do what I love to do. I relax and do what I could not complete during the week. I had quite a few programs planned for the Sunday, and mentally I was not in a mood to comply with the request of the man. I did not want to respond to him and explode him on how he should make a request to a senior person. His words sounded like an order to me, and I felt quite concerned about the way he was demanding.

I felt I need to teach a simple lesson to this man, first, that he cannot keep urgent things for the eleventh hour, and second, even if there is an urgent work to be done, he should learn how to get it done by requesting and cajoling. On Sunday evening, again I get a one line mail, asking if I had sent the document to his friend, and I decided to ignore his mail. I scanned his document and sent it to him and to his friend on Monday morning… and just as I expected, there was not even an acknowledgment to my taking time to scan the document and sending it. I believe he thought it was my duty to do this for him, and at one time I was tempted to give him a piece of my mind, and I had even typed three lines… but something in me told me not to send it, and so I canceled the mail… he may learn a lesson at least later in life, I am sure.

It is difficult not to be affected by this kind of rude and cold behavior of persons; and it is sure to be more painful when we have to rub shoulders with such persons each day. I had the opportunity to live such persons at close quarters, and luckily the persons were on the move most of the days, and my days were saved. Today I would like to pause for a while and think of these persons; there is hardly anything that I can do to make them prevent relating to me and others this way, but I can react to them in a manner different from others. So instead of getting affected by such rude and cold behavior, I would like to take their behavior with a pinch of salt, and even ignore them if required. After all, I should not empower them to spoil my day.

The short-sighted

It is so painful to come across people who are myopic, short-sighted, who cannot look beyond their nose, as it were. All that they can see is the tip of their noses, and their shoulder blades. The problem is aggravated if this kind of people are placed in charge of some other simple, gullible people, who may not have a voice. Sometimes the life of a person may be at risk if the person who sits on top were to think something other than what common sense may demand. In order to assert one’s superiority, authority, or even dubious spiritual power, this person may do something which may cost a life or more, and still they may remain what they were, and may not reconsider the futility of their arrogance or myopia.

As I sat sitting the emotionally-charged words of one of our friends, who felt how the person who was in-charge of him turned a blind eye to him, leaving him to semi-existence. Tears were welling up in his eyes, as he narrated to me how he felt, and what he was contemplating of. I cannot just disregard the sentiments of this companion, who is no small child to shed tears, because he did not get what he wanted; he was senior to me, and in age at least six or seven years older to me. That is to say, he should be nearing 50, and it is not easy to bear a man of that age shed tears, and I could see that he was not faking, it was genuine. He could not resist the tears, and had to go to the sink once to wash his face. I was helpless as to how to console him.

Though I would not agree to all that he had told me, I could understand that there was a point in what he was feeling, and how he was treated. I could understand that he did not receive a fair deal from his boss, who could decide on his fate (thanks to the religious vow of obedience that the inferior had professed). I knew only too well that this boss had too little time to think about the men he is to look after; his eyes were fixed on something higher and noble, and he would not stoop to be bothered about the dispensable men. He had made decisions, which involved this sick friend, without even properly informing him, and this sick companion asked me, ‘what will happen if I refused to accept his proposal?’ and there are more chances that he may not agree to it.

Those who wish to succeed in life are invited to focus their attention on what they wish to achieve, and exclude from their perspective and attention everything else which may distance them from the goal they wish to achieve. Our boss was doing exactly the same, and there are so many victims, who could have been retained in our company, were they given proper guidance and directions. One person’s determination to achieve what he was craving for was going to let another person lose in the battle with life, and I felt sad for this friend, but I had no strong words of consolation. Sometimes I felt I was as powerless and hapless as other people who needed the strong hands of some powerful people to save them.

Living a life of dedication for some 30 years and contemplating leaving this kind of life, in order to explore avenues to save one’s life is something I find it hard to accept. There was so much of sorrow in his heart, and maybe this is the first time that he had dared to pour out his heart to someone. I was asking myself, have we become so very indifferent to human feelings and sentiments that we could continue to hold on to our own guts, even at the expense of letting others who are under our care to perish silently. Have we closed our ears to listen to their silent sobs and screams of agony and pain? Why is it that we cannot just question the personal evils of a select few spewing venom on a group of well-meaning dedicated people?

In the Beginning...

Perhaps the most painful step for a child, who is aspiring to walk, is the very first step, and yet it cannot be frightened of the risk and stop trying, and I cannot think of a child who began to walk at the very first trial. There is bound to be falls, though the parents and siblings would be ever ready to support and hold the child, and yet it has to fall to the ground and rise up again… and after a few trials, it get the confidence without anyone telling that it can now stand by itself. Such is exactly the kind of experience every one of us go through in life, especially when we embark on something significant and noteworthy in life: if the very first step is put forward with confidence and assurance that life will not let us down, then the rest is history.

But one of the greatest impediments in the very first step is fright, fear of the unknown; fear of the failure, and fear of redicule. And luckily a child does not need to worry about any of these, because everything is part of its learning experience; the innocence of the child knows no fear, and redicule. I have seen in children that when they try to walk and fall to the ground, they do not mind getting up and proceeding further. But if there are some others to express sympathy to it, then it begins to cry, and refuses to move forward. There are many of us adults who are afraid of letting a child walk by itself, and even if that means falling a couple of times.

Any big enterprise or project or collaborative venture has to begin with a humble beginning, and some of the richest and most noteworthy Fortune 500 companies have all had beginnings which are not even worth mentioning, but that is how the world treats each of us. How and where we put our first step forward is going to determine our future steps. If I am bold and determined already at my first step, then I am sure to move ahead with greater courage and strength. But unfortunately we adults cannot run away from fear of failure, of redicule and of uncertainty. These are part and parcel of any first step, and those who are too frightened of these cannot proceed further in life.

Every great enterprise did not take full shape within a day; all that is required to build a sky-kissing multi-storey building is a single brick placed in position at the foundation. Now where and how this first brick is placed is going to determine the direction of the building. I need not be the best mason in the world to determine where and how I am to place the first stone; there are people all around me, and all that I would required to do is to identity the best person to help me in this enterprise, and rope him/her into my enterprise; thus every great or small project can take full shape only when it is the fruit of a collaborative enterprise.

I have realized that many of the fairly big works of mine have always begun as a silly attempt from my part, and as I continued to keep the momentum and interest, the silly attempt had taken wings and begin to have an existence of its own irrespective of me. I had not been trusting in my own capacity to carry it forward, but slowly as I tried to toy with the idea, I realize that once the seed has sprouted, all that the plant requires is sunlight and water. The soil would have all the other nutrients which are required for the plant to let it grow to yield flowers and fruits. The very first step has the potentiality to bear manifold flowers and fruits, and therefore I need to make sure that the seed is well-formed and is mature to undergo the harsh process of dying and being reborn. Just as every beginning is the end of one process, every end is also the beginning of another greater process. I am part and parcel of this ennobling, enriching process!

One in a Million

He is a type by himself, and Carl Jung would have been happy to meet him, so that he could have added yet another archetype based on him; however it would be wrong to say that he represented a sizable majority among the human persons. One should bear in mind, while describing this person, I would naturally add up things from my own bias and prejudice, which is no less in this case. But one thing is sure, he is but one in a million, and I was un/fortunate to live with him for about two years to really know his true color, which is quite different from how he is known and how he project himself to be in public. No wonder he is talented, intelligent, man of morale to a certain extent, but the list might end there.

It may be difficult to find a person who is as calculative and scheming as he is; everything he does or says is colored by a well thought out strategy, which for the most part is colored by his own bias and prejudice. He should have been an ace chess player, because he could calculate rather accurately, but the pity is that a good majority of the people around could make out his moves and can say with certain amount of accuracy what he is up to. There is often an obsession to one’s own benefit, and that of his own kinsmen, which would border on his cultural, linguistic group. He would have also made an excellent military commander, in the way he positions his men to face any onslaught on him or his dear ones, whom he would go any length to favor.

One suspects if he has a heart at all, because all that he is obsessed for the most part of his days is an overly intellectual exercise, whereby he rationalizes even the simplest of things and realities, to give an intellectual approach to reality. But most often human reality cannot be grasped sufficiently by the intellect or the mind; we may have to take recourse to the human heart, and that would be impossible for him. He would easily brand anyone who is easily moved by the heart rather than the intellect, and would not hesitate to even condemn the persons with a predominant heart approach, and appreciate those who are heady. This naturally had caused a lot of damage to the people he had been the boss of. But that is one reality no one had any control over.

The common good can be easily given up at the expense of his own welfare, his individual good, and most often he would expect everyone to adjust their programs and works in order to suit to his demands and desires. His personal and individual good is the primary criteria for all that he would be involved with, and to put it graphically, he would expect everyone around him to dance to his tune, and would be furious if someone were to disagree with him or try to play a tune different from his own. This attitude had promoted a slavish attitude in many of the men working under his direction. He does not consider the needs and wants of others as equally valid and important. This is surely one of the greatest weaknesses of this great man.

Now why do I go to this extent to present a picture of this person? What do I get out of pouring out my allegations (some of which are based on my own prejudice, as I had already cautioned!) here? There is very little that I would benefit by pouring out here, except the fact that my heart would feel light. When we begin to relate to people, we often come across certain persons who leave a positive imprint in our hearts, and some others negative. Those who leave an indelible mark in our hearts are often enshrined in the niche of our hearts, and those who have left a negative imprint in our hearts are often looked down upon, and that is sure to cause something to the world we live in. The negative force that this person spews can affect the positive vibrations of the universe. But perhaps that may be neutralized by the persons with noble and holy virtues.

Running for Recognition

This senior friend of ours is a notorious do-gooder! Anyone can ask him for a favor at any time, and he would be prepared to leave everything behind to help the person! I should be happy to find such a good soul, but that is not the whole truth; that is only a small portion of his personality. But that glorious side of the friend is so well expressed and exhibited that most people take for granted that he is gem of a character! He had been an infirmarian in one of our large houses for some years, and he would take care of the sick who are on the verge of bidding goodbye to the world in such a manner that very few can do that, and we know that in such situations, our friend is fully himself, and gives himself fully too.

One of his other virtues worth mentioning is that he would do anything to the persons he likes, and has to get some favor through him/her. He would go out of his way to help a person, knowing well that he has to get a greater favor, and a bigger one in the not so distant future. We may call him calculative, and he knows how to move his soldiers. The interests of the people who matter to him most often become his own interests. So if he is doing something wonderful for some people, one can be sure that he has got to receive something out of them. And the formula works fine for him, and over the years he has only fine-tuned his tastes and procedures.

I would not be exaggerating if I were to say that he is one of the busiest persons in our circles, and call him on his mobile phone at any hour, you will hear him say that he is in such and such place! He loves to move around, and drive people or accompany them, and he really enjoys it. He may not mind driving people crazy too, and we have had several instances when people had been annoyed with him for not paying attention to them, when they needed his help. That is where the other side of the personality unfolds. He would be found seldom doing what he is supposed to do, what he is expected to do, but busy with everything else, and that could be quite annoying for the people who are to receive directions from him about how to proceed.

He loves good food, and the ever bulging stomach for him is no problem at all, and he does not believe in doing exercises to tone down the body. He loves gossiping, and grumbling about anything under the sky; he would spend hours and hours yapping with persons who get along well with him. Now why am I pouring out so much about him here and now? How does this person affect me? Some days ago I had asked for his assistance on an official work, which he readily agreed. But even after three days I did not get any response to him, and so I had to do it by myself. And the next time when I met him, I told him that since he did not have time, I had to do the work by myself.

More than anything else, I have felt that this friend of ours was looking for ‘recognition’, and in order to win the appreciation and applause of others, he would do anything for them. Doing a routine job which has been assigned to him, surely is not going to get him the appreciation of the people around. While he would do all the odd jobs outside, he would not do even the least expected jobs in his house. I realize the danger of trying to please all the people, and in turn wanting others to please him. It is only when we go beyond the need and want for recognition that we can reach out to the truly needy persons. I only wish at least some times when he is wanted by the people he is expected to take care of, he is their at their side.

Ode to Stephen Court

There is still life in the burnt out three floors of Stephen Court, which underwent a test by blazing fire that went on for over 12 hours. There were hundreds of men and women standing a few yards from the building were as helpless as many of the government officials, who seemed to have been maimed by the raging flames. Even as several men and women were charred to death inside the building, the modern generation watching the fire pulled out their cellular phones to catch the moment. There were no room for the bravehearts to venture into the building to salvage the few people who were caught inside. I was one such mute witness to the loss of over 50 persons in the fire.

The remnants of the fire are still to be cleared from the burnt floors, and every day as I pass by the building during my evening walk, I can recollect the fateful day. Whatever be the social status, religion or cultural group of the residents of this old building, one thing was sure: human greed knows no bounds. If only the administrators had paid a little more attention to proper and timely maintenance of the facilities, so many persons would not have been charred to death. The building still stands as a mute witness to human wickedness and greed; is this the way how nature tries to teach the human beings a lesson for life?

I was also able to witness the number of people of the city pouring in to the building and its neighborhood to console and comfort the survivors of the fire. There were many groups who organized prayer meetings and candlelight procession in honor of the people who had lost their lives and their dear ones. There were many posters posted on the entrance to the fateful building, many of which portrayed the sentiments of a cross section of city-zens! We are sorry, we could not save you! I felt this was the pathetic helpless cry of the hundreds of men and women who watched the whole floor burning but could not do anything! There was no lack for empathy for the victims and survivors from the part of the people of the city.

Though the building stood just a few meters from our residence, I never dared to venture into the building, and needless to say, I had no business in that building. But now I feel a close affinity with the building, and I look at it with a lot of sympathy and empathy! Much have been lost, and yet there is life, and life has to go on! For many families, life had come to a standstill, and the stories that I had read in the dailies about the people who were searching for their dear ones day after day, hoping one day they might get them back, they were heart-renting. This was indeed a test for not only for the corporation, but also the human heart! How do we respond to this kind of calamity?

Everyone knows for sure that this is not the end of the era when several persons lost their lives in fire; this will be repeated after a few months, and many more will continue to be charred to death! Stephen Court will get back its lifeline and resume life anew, and the lessons learnt may also be forgotten too soon. I wish Stephen Court had known our language, the human language, so that it could pour out its own pain and agony, of carrying and nurturing so many hundreds of men and women day after day. I wish to pitch my ears to the walls of Stephen Court to listen to the unheard stories of this building, the cry and pathos of its walls, for if only we begin to listen to what our buildings say, what our lifestyle say, we cannot afford to neglect the essentials of life.

Liberative Leanings

‘No one can live as an island’ has become almost like a cliché, but what this meant remains a lesson for all generations; everyone on earth is in need of others to make the best out of life. It would be quite frightening to think of a world without anyone else around, no other human person to relate to, no plants and animals to eat. Even the worst of anthropophobic cannot wish to live all by him/herself, because life will be devoid of all color and dynamism if there is no one around to relate to. If ever there is any person who is averse to relating to others, and wishing to be by himself/herself, then such a person is fit only for solitary confinement in a dark cell.

There is a need for each of the human person to lean on another; of course here I am referring to sociological and psychological leaning. Every other person in the society I live in can rightly complement what I lack, and add brighter colors to life. This happens in a wonderful way in families; by nature husband and wife complement each other, and if there is fear of separation among couples, then one can be sure that this complementarity is threatened. Life gives a two-way enrichment : to lean on another person for the fulfillment of one’s social, cultural, religious and psychological needs; to bear another and provide the much needed nourishment in all the areas I myself receive.

Refusing to lean on another, and refusing to bear another can become social evils which can make our life quite miserable. Pride can stop me from leaning on another person, especially if the other person is in anyway constrained or limited, and I may overlook the need to “depend” on the other. On the other side of the spectrum maybe a person who does not wish to make space for another to take shelter under his/her wings! Why should I? It is none of my business to provide space for the other – maybe the comments that we may hear from this kind of person! In either case ultimately it is this person who is going to suffer, and not the other!

What a blessing people can turn out to one another, if there is the freedom to lean on the other, and the generosity to bear the other! At the heart of this mutual enrichment is the psycho-spiritual disposition which calls for humility, to recognize the need for me to lean on another, that I am not complete by myself, but require another or other persons to make me full. So long this disposition is not achieved, life would continue to become a hell, where others may be looked on as threats, or trespassers, or people who are there to curtail my freedom. Such people are sure to suffer from insomnia and perpetual stomach ache and head ache.

Every day when I wake up from bed, I need to pause for a minute to recall to mind the different persons who complete my web of relationships. I cannot make a web with a single strand, but every person who extend an arm of cooperation is sure to make this web possible. Let me bring to my mind every person on whom I could freely and cozily lean on, hoping that they would shield me with their strong arms; let me also remember all the persons whom I bear in my heart with the warmth that I have received from others; as I remember and recall these faces and names, let the vibrations of peace and joy spread all around. Let me see all the arms locked with fraternal chains, and what better world can we ever think of then?

Sting of Death

It is painful to see someone very dear to us depart us and this beautiful world; the pain is several times more, when the person who is dying is very close to us, either through family relationship or through psychological relationship. It is the same whether one is related to the dying person physically or psychologically, and it might be hard to believe that the person we have been relating to so deeply and intimately is suddenly no more. That is the kind of feeling one goes through when death knocks at our door suddenly, unannounced.We find it hard to accept that fate had been so cruel with regard to our dear one.

It is hard to say no when death knocks at our door; we may believe in miraculous cures, and we may trust that hope against hope cannot go in vain, but ultimately when the last hour comes, we cannot run away from it. Death may have the last laughter, as it were, and we may be left to be silent spectators, watching the departure of our dear one, sinking into the everlasting silence, where all our cries may find no place. This pain and agony, and in some cases psychological trauma, is real and actual.

I found it hard to accept this reality when this happened to my family, when my only sister was left alone with her daughter at the sudden and unannounced departure of her husband! She was not ever fortunate to see him alive some time earlier. He died in a foreign land, some nine months after he had bidden goodbye... Who would have thought that he was going to bid goodbye to them forever! It is true the agony I had gone through was far less in comparison to that of my sister and niece. The pain may lurk at the depth of their hearts for sometime.

Sometimes I wonder why we feel so lost when a dear person dies; it is true that we feel helpless when we have to take charge of things at the sudden departure of the person who was managing our families. We may have to start learning our lessons from the very beginning, and it may not be altogether easy. In a web of relationships, even when a thin line is severed, it is sure to affect the strength of the web, and that is what happens at the death of a dear one. But at the same time, we cannot exercise our power or authority over death.

That every human person is ultimately powerless before death is something consoling to the so-called powerless in the world. Even the greatest of kings and persons will ultimately be laid to rest on earth is the truth that all of us have to understand and accept. That we are all powerless and helpless is another truth, which can help us to accept this reality with resignation! This is not the kind of passive resignation, but the one where we bid farewell to our dear one with a smile, thanking them for what they had been to us and to the human family! It is then that they become part of the human and universal heritage... part of every human person on earth!

Sanitising Sacrifice

Good Friday, perhaps ,is a wonderful occasion to think seriously about what it means to sacrifice! Broadly speaking the innocuous word ‘sacrifice’ simply means an openness to give up something one considers as beautiful and significant personally and yet would go further to give it up for a greater need and good for the people around. Therefore sacrifice is something voluntary, and there is an element of foregoing what one considers beautiful, noble and even necessary to life. If this is what sacrifice is, then we may find only a few odd per centage of people who take joy and pride in indulging in sacrifice.

It would be easier for me to talk about sacrifice as I look at it, than what it means to other people. If I have to address this issue squarely, then I should reflect if I allow myself to sacrifice – to deprive me of some of the big and small pleasures of life, without grumbling or blaming anyone else! To be honest, there is a growing need in me to give in to my wants and desires, even if they are unlegitimate, and therefore I realize very few occasions when I can think I had given up something precious happily and joyfully.

But then what stops me from going beyond my own personal needs and wants, especially when I know for sure that my foregoing this particular want or need could benefit someone else immensely in the society. I do not do anything unconsciously and automatically. There is a deliberate intent issued by my inner self which is for the most part oriented towards ‘self-preservation’. This is another way of responding to Charles Darwin’s theory of ‘survival of the fittest’. I want not only to survive, but I also wish to be the fittest, and therefore the attempt at self-preservation!

Then how much do I think about others, their needs and wants vis-à-vis my own? If there are so many people who are ready to give up something very precious and personal to them, so that I too may have a share in their joy and happiness, why is it I am not able to do that? It is not easy to consider how much others give up for my sake, and make my day, but looking objectively each of my joyful moment had been made possible thanks to some persons who were ready to let me have the better share of the cake, even without expecting me to do the same.

I know I am yet to begin my first lesson in salvaging my sense of sacrifice, and it may take quite a while for me to give up something precious to my personal life, without unduly holding on to it in the name of self-preservation. I recall to mind the golden words of the Savior who said, anyone who saves his life (of sacrifice) will lose it, and anyone who loses it for my sake, will save it! This paradox of faith and belief can fit into the notion of sacrifice, as it stares at me squarely into my eyes!

Addressing Authenticity

There is an uneasy feeling lurking within me for quite sometime, and it is not easy for me to articulate what this feeling is, and how it is affecting me deeply and significantly. It is like a shroud blocking my vision of self, the world around and God. One thing is sure, it is to do with authenticity! How am I true to myself, the image I frantically try to project before the world? As I struggle to unmask myself from the multi-layered masks, I am frightened to encounter more masks than I imagined.

I cannot think of living in an unauthentic life, and I detest duplicity. While I can swear by my so-called authenticity, more than the people I live with, I know more fully how miserably I fail in my attempts to live an authentic life. It is not that living an authentic life is altogether alien to me; I was fortunate to taste what it means to live an authentic and sincere life at least a few times in the past, though even before I began to taste the serenity of it, my mind was clouded by inauthentic thoughts.

I am quite quick in noticing inauthenticity in others, especially in the very people I am to rub shoulder with each day, but I dare not raise this issue with them, lest they unrobe me, and expose the ugly self I frantically try to hide beneath my pseudo-authenticity. It is only a thief who can identify another thief, says an old adage in my tongue, and I do realize the adage is not wrong or untrue. Again it would be wrong for me to claim that I had been living in a fool’s paradise all these years, holding tightly to an holier-than-thou-art attitude!

But what has triggered this sense of insecurity and inadequacy in the recent days? I had been hearing, reading about so many holy men and women, whose sanctity was so well-known to the world, even when they spoke not a world. There was always a spiritual aura around them, and simple people could vibrate with their spiritual self and physical reality effortlessly. I wish to ask myself why is it I do not radiate such a kind of spiritual aura? I know the diamond is there deep within me, but its radiance is clouded by my insecurity and duplicity.

It is not impossible for me to get rid of all the masks which hide my true identity – even if it is so horrifying to some people; but if I try to do that, it is sure to cost me a good deal. I may have to get out of my self-centeredness and the indomitable desire to build a kingdom of my own. There is a joy in building my dream-place brick by brick, and ultimately it may not make me happy. If I am not prepared to abandon this dream project, then there is no way how I can free myself from the masks which I had covered my true self with. But I know I have to start this process today or tomorrow, and cannot wait for the beginning endlessly.